Jeff: Hey.
Adam: Oh, hey Jeff.
Jeff: I just wanted to return this. We, uh, borrowed it from your lovely fiance.
Adam: Aw, The Notebook.
Jeff: Yeah, The Notebook. Audrey made me watch it. If you don't mind, I'm going to get a beer and pour it in my eyes.
Jennifer: Hey, Jeff.
Jeff: Hey, Jennifer. Just returning your movie.
Jennifer: Aw. Didn't it make you want to cry?
Jeff: Constantly.
Jennifer: Oh, and tell Audrey we're saving the date for your birthday party.
Jeff: Great. It should be fun. That party is going to suck.
Adam: Why?
Jeff: Because I have to pay for it. Plus, I have to spend the whole night worrying about people spilling things, stealing my stuff.
Adam: Your friends sound really cool. Why don't you just tell Audrey you don't want a party?
Jeff: No. See, she loves throwing parties, it makes her happy. And if she's happy, it's good for my birthday deal.
Adam: Oh yeah. Your birthday deal.
Jeff: One year I complained too much. She got mad. Not good for the birthday deal.
Adam: Come on, man! You can't keep talking about the birthday deal without telling me what it is. What does Audrey do for you every year?
Jeff: I wish I could tell you. Can't. If Audrey found out I told someone, the deal would be off.
Adam: I won't tell her! Come on, now that we're neighbors, this is the kind of guy stuff we should be talking about.
Jeff: Instead of worrying about my birthday deal, why don't you get one of your own?
Adam: Oh, well, because I don't need one. With Jennifer, every day is my birthday.
Jeff: Every day used to be my birthday too. I have been as stupid as you are.
Adam: Look, if I needed a birthday deal, I could get one.
Jeff: Don't try to run with the big boy! I've been married for twelve years. You basically threw a ring at a stranger.
Adam: She's not a stranger! All right? We've been together for seven months. Plus, I didn't even get her a ring yet.
Jeff: Why not?
Adam: I don't know what she likes! We've only known each other for seven months.
Jeff: Wow. You clearly know what you're doing.
Adam: Hey, hey. Not only could I get a deal, I could get one that's better than yours. What's yours?
Jeff: Nice try.
Adam: I'm getting a deal! And then every year when I'm doing it, I'm going to think of you. I, I didn't say that.
Jeff: I didn't hear it.

Russell and Adam are hanging out at the Island Diner.

Russell: A birthday deal.
Adam: Yeah. Jeff's got one with Audrey.
Russell: Yeah. I like it. It's like a dirty prenup.
Adam: First I'm going to just float the idea. You know. See if she's receptive.
Russell: Good. Then we've got to figure out what to ask for.
Adam: WE?
Russell: Yes. I'm in. You're welcome. Now, people's sex lives don't seem to get wilder when they get married.
Adam: Well, my sex life with Jennifer is fine. Just ask our neighbors.
Russell: Oh. You bring them over to watch?
Adam: No. No, they just heard. Through pre-war concrete walls, man, I'm talking four solid inches.
Russell: All right. We all agree your fiancee is a horn dog. Which is why I think we should ask for the Manitoba Snow Cone.
Adam: Stop saying we. OK? And I'm not asking for anything off your list of humorously named sex acts.
Russell: Why not? It took me ten years to fill this thing out. Ten beautiful years. See if she's up for the Peppermint Bobsled.
Adam: No! I can't do that. I love this person. This would ruin Christmas forever.
Russell: It doesn't have to be a candy cane. Listen, it would help if we knew what Jeff's deal with Audrey was. What does that giant gorilla get?
Adam: Why, I asked him. But he wouldn't tell me.
Russell: Whatsa?
Adam: He wouldn't tell me.
Russell: I'm sorry. I thought we were living in America. Has Jeff heard of something called the Freedom of Information Act?
Adam: You know, he told me that if Audrey finds out that he told anyone, the deal would be off.
Russell: Fine. I'll find out without anybody knowing. Far be it for me to find out what he does to his wife annually.
Adam: Uh, Russell, you don't know that's what it is.
Russell: An-nu-al-ly.
Adam: Oh.

Jennifer and Audrey come back from shopping and go to Jennifer and Adam's apartment.

Jennifer: Oh, Audrey. I forgot to tell you. Russell overheard me talking about Jeff's party, and I didn't know if you were planning on inviting him.
Audrey: Yeah, he's coming. Not my idea.
Jennifer: So. What are you planning for the party?
Audrey: Uh, the usual Jeff-fest. Beer, shots, chips, hot wings, Stadium Rock on the stereo, basically the home version of Hooters. Not the party I'd throw, but whatever.
Jennifer: Why don't you throw the party you want to?
Audrey: Oh, it's Jeff's birthday. You know, he doesn't even care what kind of party it is. He doesn't care what kind of party it is. Why don't I throw the kind of party I want to?
Jennifer: Exactly! It doesn't have to be Jeff-fest. Why not Audrey Gras?
Audrey: Cause that means "Fat Audrey."

Adam comes home from the Island Diner.

Adam: Hey. You know what I just realized? My birthday's coming up.
Jennifer: You know, in the seven months we've been together, we haven't had a birthday yet. Two big, fun days to look forward to.
Adam: I'm glad you feel that way. What do you think about doing something really special for me?
Jennifer: Sure. What did you have in mind?
Adam: Well, something in the bedroom department. Something I'd get annually. Once a year.
Jennifer: Why? Is there something you want to do, that we're not doing?
Adam: No, no. I have no complaints. Well, I mean, that one time you bit my shoulder and you drew blood. But, hey, you know? That's just the cost of doing business. I just thought it'd be fun to have a special birthday deal?
Jennifer: That does sound fun. I want one.
Adam: You do?
Jennifer: Mm-hmm.
Adam: Well, that's great! That's, I love you!
Jennifer: Oh! And let's say nothing is off limits.
Adam: Definitely, let's say that.
Jennifer: OK. I am going to think about mine while I'm showering.
Adam: OK. Well, I'm going to think about you showering while I'm thinking about mine. Two birthday deals. Suck on that, Jeff.

Jeff is sitting on a couch reading a magazine in the store while Audrey shops for his party.

Jeff: If you're serious about buying, I'll get up. But, it's not very comfortable.
Adam: Hey. Where are the girls?
Jeff: They're shopping for mojito glasses. They're doing a whole Cuban theme for my party.
Adam: Doesn't sound like your style.
Jeff: Oh, what do I care? As long as Audrey's in a great mood at the end of the party.
Adam: Which brings me to my news. I am now the proud owner of not one, but two birthday deals.
Jeff: Two. No way.
Adam: That's right. What's the matter? Is my two a little hard for you to swallow? Anyway, um, I'm getting one. And Jennifer wants one too, and get this, nothing is off limits. Yeah.
Jeff: You're playing with fire.
Adam: How so?
Jeff: I didn't get a birthday deal until I'd been married for six years, and our relationship was stable. You've known Jennifer for what? Twenty minutes? You really think you're ready to hear Jennifer's wildest, craziest fantasy?
Adam: Yeah! The crazier, the better!
Jeff: Really? Aren't you worried she'll want something so disturbing you won't be able to look at her when you're having brunch with your parents?
Adam: Come on. How weird can it be?
Jeff: Well, apparently, nothing is off limits. By the way, whose idea was that?
Adam: Hers.
Jeff: I said you're swimming with sharks.
Adam: You said I was playing with fire.
Jeff: You are. The sharks don't like it.
Adam: You're right. I mean, if Jennifer asks for something really disturbing for her birthday deal, I don't know how I'll handle it.
Jeff: My guess is not well.
Adam: Maybe I'm worried about nothing. You know? What's the worst she could ask for?
Jeff: Props. You in a cheerleader outfit, a third party involved, not necessarily a lady.
Adam: It's not that I'm scared of something kinky or different. I've done plenty of that. What's bothering me is that you know, Jennifer's going to be my wife. The mother of my children. We're going to grow old together.
Jeff: What kind of kinky stuff?
Jennifer: Hi honey!
Adam: Hey sweetie.
Jennifer: Come with me for a second. I want to show you this French press I want to buy.
Adam: French press? What's that? What are we going to do with that?
Jeff: What's that?
Audrey: Oh, it's stuff for your party.
Jeff: Both carts!
Audrey: Yeah. Yeah, we got this really cool pitcher for the mojitos, and some funky little glasses, and glass swizzle sticks, and these little bowls with palm trees on them.
Jeff: Whoa, why do we need all this stuff, and hey, what's this costing me?
Audrey: I don't care. For once, I would like to throw a party that does not end with you imprisoned behind a wall of empty beer cans.
Jeff: Yeah. Alcietraz.
Audrey: This year we're doing it my way.
Jeff: Come on. It's bad enough we have to have all these people over, but now all of a sudden-
Audrey: Jeff! Please. Do you see how excited I am about doing this? Please don't ruin it for me.
Jeff: Ruin it. I'm not ruining anything. You stay excited because I am totally on board. I mean, I love these things! Is that per bowl?

Jeff's birthday party is under way.

Audrey: Hey you! I think everyone's really liking the Cuban theme. Maybe we should throw parties like this more often.
Jeff: Perhaps we should.
Audrey: Yeah? You really having fun?
Jeff: Fun. If I was having any more fun, I'd explode! Killing everyone here.
Adam: Hey Russell. I got to talk to you.
Russell: By the way, I was snooping around looking for birthday deal clues. Look what I found. Excellent. Audrey probably spanks him with it, scratches his monkey chest, slaps him around-
Adam: Russell. Come on. Come on, look, this whole birthday deal thing is driving me crazy. Jeff thinks I'm in over my head.
Russell: Oh, don't listen to Early Man, all right? This is a good thing.
Adam: Yeah, yeah. But what if Jennifer wants is disgusting?
Russell: Then you win.
Adam: No. No. I don't! Look, man, you're single. OK? You can do anything you want with a girl because by the next morning, you're gone.
Russell: Next morning?
Adam: Later that night? Whatever! You never have to see her again. I'm with Jennifer forever.
Russell: Right. Therein, my friend, lies your problem.
Adam: By the way, that thing, is the scoop for the litter box.
Russell: Is it now? Take care.
Jennifer: Hey!
Adam: Hey... hi, hey.
Jennifer: So, I think I know what I want for my birthday deal!
Adam: You do?
Jennifer: I'm just worried that mine might be a little messy.
Adam: Messy. How?
Jennifer: It involves oil and some other sticky liquids. It could ruin the sheets.
Adam: OK. Oil, and sticky liquids, oil and sticky liquids. The Santa Fe Funnel Cake.
Russell: Hey Audrey.
Audrey: Hello, Russell.
Russell: Anyway. Big night for Jeff, wouldn't you say?
Audrey: Yes. It's his birthday.
Russell: Yes it is. So, are you going to get him a special present?
Audrey: Uh, this party.
Russell: And?
Audrey: I think we're done here.
Jeff: Come on!
Russell: Hey! Birthday Boy! How's it going?
Jeff: Better now.
Russell: So uh. I got you a present. How would you like some details of a little chickie I was with last week?
Jeff: That would be a very thoughtful gift.
Russell: All right. OK. I'll tell you what. I'll give you some juicy deets if you tell me what your birthday deal is.
Jeff: No.
Russell: Eh, maybe I'll just ask Audrey.
Jeff: That would be a very poor and unhealthy decision.
Russell: Think so?
Jeff: Imagine the Wilkinson's surprise when I pound you through the floor and into their living room.
Russell: Somebody get a Solo-Flex?
Guest: I'm sorry. Would you like some champagne?
Jeff: Champagne! A real glass. Great! It's fantastic. What are you doing? This is really good champagne! Why are we giving this to our friends?
Audrey: Because it's your birthday.
Jeff: Look at all these bottles! I mean, I tried to bite my tongue, but I'm sorry, this is way too much. This night must have cost a fortune.
Audrey: Why do you always have to put a price tag on things?
Jeff: Because things cost money! I'm just saying, we could have done this party for a lot less.
Audrey: Fine. I give up. You know what's ironic? That champagne was actually for a toast I was going to give to tell all our friends what a sweet, special, generous man you are. Guess I can't do that now, can I?
Jeff: Uh, excuse me, everyone! I'd like to make a toast! I'd like to thank you all for coming to my party, but more importantly, uh, I would like to take a moment to thank Audrey for all of her hard work in putting it together. It's much nicer and classier than I deserve, but then again, so is she. Audrey? Will you come here for a moment? To Audrey.
Guests: To Audrey!
Jeff: Finish every drop. Seriously, it's very expensive.

Jennifer and Adam come home after Jeff's party.

Jennifer: That was a great party!
Adam: Yes, it was.
Jennifer: OK. I have decided what I want for my birthday deal. Have you? Should I go first?
Adam: Yeah. Let's do this.
Jennifer: OK. On my birthday, every year. I want a foot massage as soon as I wake up, then breakfast in bed. Fresh homemade blueberry pancakes with expensive champagne and fresh squeezed orange juice. Then, a back massage. Then, I go back to sleep and you clean the apartment. Then, when you're finished, you come back to bed, you get under the covers, and we watch The Notebook.
Adam: That's it? No crazy sex fantasy?
Jennifer: Nope.
Adam: Why not?
Jennifer: Because sex-wise, I can get anything I want from you any day of the year. I mean, I'm a girl, and you're a guy.
Adam: That's true.
Jennifer: So, for my birthday, I should get something I can't get any other day of the year. So that's it.
Adam: That's the girl I'm going to marry. I love you.
Jennifer: So what's yours?
Adam: Oh. I wrote it down.
Jennifer: The Velvet Hat Trick?
Adam: Yup. Uh, the description's on the back.
Jennifer: Oh, that's not how I do it.

Jeff is getting his birthday deal.

Audrey: I wish you'd let me tell people that your birthday deal involves coming here to recreate our first date. People should know how sweet you are.
Jeff: It's best if only you know. Even that's pushing it.
Audrey: I'm going to the ladies room.