Russell: Hey.
Adam: Hey, Russell.
Russell: Hey, I'm sorry I'm late. I had a thing.
Adam: Yeah. I figured. I ordered you a burger.
Russell: Oh, you ordered for me. Oh, great. Why don't we just make out?
Adam: Uh, because I don't know where you've been. But I've got some news. I moved in with Jennifer.
Russell: Why? When you lost your sublet, I said you could stay on my couch. Might want to flip the cushions first, hehe.
Adam: Yeah, yeah, well this thing with Jennifer isn't temporary because last night I proposed to her!
Russell: It gets worse!! What are you, the dumbest idiot in the world?!
Adam: Thanks for sharing my happiness.
Russell: You've only known her seven months. You know what? Make sure the baby's yours. Make her take a paternity test.
Adam: She, she's not pregnant.
Russell: Oh, are you shooting blanks?
Adam: No! No, I proposed because I love her.
Russell: Aw, that's so gay.
Adam: Being in love with a woman is gay.
Russell: No, but saying it out loud to another guy is.
Adam: Look. Look, there's no wedding date, no plans, no pressure! I didn't even get her a ring yet, man, I've got the best of all worlds!
Russell: No. There's only one world, and I have the best of it. I do what I want, I date who I want, and I sleep with whoever will let me.
Adam: Look. I've had all that. And now I'm done. Jennifer's the one.
Russell: I think you're making a huge mistake. Locking it down with one chick is a horrible, horrible, hey, there's Little Miss Sunshine!
Jennifer: Hey guys! So, did he tell you he proposed?
Russell: Yeah, he did. Oh, uh, hooray!! That's great news!

OPENING CREDITS

Jeff is balancing the checkbook when Audrey comes in.

Audrey: Hey, Jeff.
Jeff: Audrey, did you write a check?
Audrey: Yeah, I did.
Jeff: Well, you didn't put it in the thing. Now it's all...whatever.
Audrey: It was for the exterminator. Uh, that was here last week. It was like 60-ish dollars.
Jeff: 60-ish. That's great. I will just put that in here. There, now the checkbook is totally balanced-ish.
Audrey: You and that checkbook. Hey, we got invited to a really cool art opening on Saturday night.
Jeff: Yay!! Art.
Audrey: They'll have an open bar.
Jeff: I won't go there for that reason.
Audrey: Let's go invite Adam and Jennifer to go with us.
Jeff: Hey, when is Adam moving in?
Audrey: Honey, he moved in a couple days ago, I told you...you don't listen to anything I say, do you?
Jeff: I listen. I can't remember everything. I got a lot on my mind.
Audrey: Ah. What did Derek Jeter bat last season?
Jeff: 309. That's important.
Audrey: We don't have any couple friends. Jennifer's like a little sister, and you like Adam, right?
Jeff: He's a good hang.
Audrey: So right there. There's a couple in our building that we don't hate.
Jeff: Yet.
Audrey: Honey. Come on. They're just starting out. We need to set a good example. OK? Big guy?
Jeff: Fine.
Audrey: Thank you.
Jeff: Oh, hey, is this right? $85 for skin cream?
Audrey: Oh! This stuff is amazing! This is it.
Jeff: $85 for that tiny jar! What's in it? $80?
Audrey: Look. You spent $109 on a robot dog.
Jeff: There's no need to bring Gizmo into this. It's programmed for love.

Adam and Jennifer come back to their apartment after hanging out at the Island Diner.

Jennifer: You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to set up Russell with my friend Karen.
Adam: Why? What did she do to you?
Jennifer: I know he has commitment issues, but he's not a bad guy. He just needs the right woman to fix him.
Adam: Well, I think he needs the right veterinarian to fix him, but hey, go ahead. Take a shot. What's this?
Jennifer: What?
Adam: Is this a wedding gift registry? We just got engaged, there's no wedding plans, and you're already picking out gifts?
Jennifer: I did it just for fun. I'm excited. Aren't you?
Adam: Of course, just not asparagus steamer excited.
Jennifer: Look. We're in no rush to get married. Let's not worry about it now, OK?
Adam: OK.

There is a knock on the door and Jennifer goes to get it.

Adam: Oh! A cake plate. Cake is fun!
Jennifer: Hey!
Audrey: How are you? Oh, Adam, we are so excited! You're engaged! You're living together.
Jeff: So are you guys going Dutch on the rent or what?
Audrey: Anyway, we wanted to know if you guys want to go with us to an art opening on Saturday night.
Jeff: Open bar.
Adam: Sweet.
Jennifer: Sounds fun. Is it dressy? What are you going to wear?
Audrey: Oh, I'll probably buy something new.
Jeff: Of course.
Jennifer: I want you to take a look at the new shoes I just bought. I'm wondering if they're too slutty.
Audrey: Are they clear?
Jennifer: No.
Audrey: Then they're not too slutty.
Adam: Oh, you've got a stain right there.
Jeff: Oh, come on again? It's from Audrey's stupid bicycle. She never uses it, but it's been hanging in our hallway for two years, whoa! Cool Met stuff.
Adam: Thanks, I want to hang it in here, but Jennifer wants me to put it in my office. I guess we'll figure out a compromise, right?
Jeff: Ah, Audrey and I compromise all the time. Like when we got our first apartment she wanted to get a cat. And I didn't want to get a cat, so we compromised and got a cat.
Adam: That's too bad, fella. That's not going to happen to me. Jennifer's allergic to cats.
Jeff: So am I.
Adam: Well, then why did you let Audrey get her way?
Jeff: You have a biology textbook around here?
Adam: Look. Look, we're going to find a place for all my stuff, and I'll get settled in. You know, I just, I think marriage is going to be really great.
Jeff: Based on what?
Adam: Look. Look at this. Jennifer wants a cake plate for our wedding. There is going to be cake.
Jeff: Yeah, sorry to disappoint you, but there's not going to be any cake.
Adam: What do you mean?
Jeff: Well, I mean, there's not going to be any cake.
Adam: No. No, uh, look, she signed up for a cake plate, so there's got to be cake.
Jeff: We have a cake plate. Twelve years. No cake.
Adam: How can that be?
Jeff: I don't know. We've also got a juicer. No juice. A waffle maker, no waffles. Quesadilla maker.
Adam: Ah, yeah, I like.
Jeff: No, senor.
Adam: Well, that, that doesn't make any sense!
Jeff: I know. Welcome aboard.
Adam: No, no, no! Look, I don't want to be trapped in a cake-less marriage!
Jeff: Again. Welcome aboard.
Adam: There has to be cake! There will be cake!

Jeff has taken Audrey's bicycle off the wall.

Audrey: Hey, hon. What are you doing now?
Jeff: Well, the place is too cluttered, so I want to get rid of some stuff, and probably sell this for money. Buy yourself a thimble full of that face cream.
Audrey: My bicycle? No. Absolutely not. Put it back.
Jeff: Well, you haven't used it in two years.
Audrey: I'm going to use it.
Jeff: You always say that, but you never do.
Audrey: Jeff, if you sell my bicycle, you will never see me naked ever again. Oh, and the birthday deal? That would be off.
Jeff: With or without you, the deal will proceed forward.
Audrey: OK, what brought this on, huh?
Jeff: Well, Adam was telling me how Jennifer won't let him hang his Mets thing up, and then we started talking about dumb wedding gifts that we never use-
Audrey: Jeff! Jeff! I told you not to be a bad example!
Jeff: Your bike's in the way. I bump into it all the time.
Audrey: Well, maybe if you hadn't sold your bike two years ago, we'd still be riding together, you'd be skinnier, and you wouldn't be bumping into it.
Jeff: I get plenty of exercise. Last Saturday I went nine for seventeen in softball. That's a lot of running.
Audrey: Yeah, and how many beers did you have after the game, huh? Nine or seventeen?
Jeff: I had maybe four! And then three light ones. So five. What does any of this have to do with your bicycle?
Audrey: Figure it out, Jeff.
Jeff: Give me a clue.

Audrey leaves and goes into the kitchen.

Jeff: Was that the clue?

Adam comes into the apartment with a grocery bag.

Adam: Hey. Grocery delivery boy's here.
Jennifer: Who am I? The lonely housewife with no money to pay you?
Adam: Mmm. I like that game. But no, I actually bought groceries. I got flour, sugar, eggs, butter, vanilla, and this frosting was on sale. I'm just going to put it all right by this mixing bowl.
Jennifer: Are you going to make a cake?
Adam: No. No. I thought you'd like to make it. You know, get a head start on married life? I'm watching the game, I'm drinking a beer. You're baking the cake, the dog brings me my slippers.
Jennifer: In your version of marriage, am I allowed to vote?
Adam: Yeah, honey. You can vote, while the cake is baking.
Jennifer: Adam, I don't really bake, and I haven't planned on starting.
Adam: Uh. Well, then why you sign up for a cake plate on the wedding gift thing?
Jennifer: I don't know, I just... What's going on?
Adam: Well, honey, things are happening pretty quickly here, and I thought that I'd have my same nice life, you know? Except you'd be in it, which would make it better, but now, I can't put my Mets thing up, I don't know where all my stuff is going to go, and I don't want a cat.
Jennifer: I'm allergic to cats.
Adam: Yeah. So is Jeff!
Jennifer: Adam, I don't know what's happening here, but shouldn't you have thought about all of this before you proposed?
Adam: What? I wasn't thinking when I proposed, I just did it!
Jennifer: Is that right? Well, you're obviously thinking now. Are you sure you want to get married?
Adam: Yes, I'm sure.

Jennifer goes into the bedroom and slams the door.

Adam: Should, should I follow you, or?

Russell is chatting up a cute waitress at the art opening.

Russell: So wait, you moved to New York from Ohio to become an actress?
Candy: Uh-huh.
Russell: Wow. That is a great plan. I'm surprised more girls don't do that. You know, you smell nice. And this shirt, what is it? Cotton or rayon? It's so soft. Oh wait, that's your skin.
Candy: I should get back to work. Let's talk later.
Russell: Oh we will, I want to hear all about...
Adam: You always have to touch them.
Russell: I'd be stupid not to. A touch says if you didn't think I wanted to have sex with you, I do.
Adam: You're here to meet Jennifer's friend Karen, so why did you touch the ditzy waitress?
Russell: Look, you're just jealous, cause your hitting on ditzy waitress days are over.
Adam: Well, they might not be. Jennifer's really mad. She thinks I'm unsure about getting married.
Russell: Oh, are you sure?
Adam: Yeah, I am.
Russell: Ooh, you paused.
Adam: I know. I keep doing that.

Jeff wanders over to one of the paintings and touches it.

Russell: Mongo like art. Oh, here he comes. I like Jeff. He's huge.
Jeff: Hey, Russell, I saw you talking to that waitress. If anything happens there, I'd appreciate some details.
Russell: No problem. If you want, I'll set up a camera and make you a tape.
Adam: That would be funny if he was kidding. You, you don't need Russell's stories, I bet the love life with Audrey's still good.
Jeff: Actually, we sort of wrapped up the sex portion of the marriage. It's been replaced by Letterman.
Russell: Ouch.
Adam: Oh, how many times a week? Four, five?
Jeff: Five.
Adam: Ah.
Jeff: You were talking about Letterman, right?

Audrey and Jennifer are talking about their problems with their men.

Jennifer: So, does Jeff at least get why you're so upset about him wanting to sell your bike yet?
Audrey: No. No, he doesn't get that it's something we used to do together. I'm not going to explain it to him. He's going to have to figure it out himself.
Jennifer: That may take a while.

The guys are still talking.

Jeff: Look Adam. Getting engaged was the right decision. How long can you prowl around bars slinging pickup lines having emotionless sex?
Russell: I'll let you know.
Jeff: I'm just saying, you wrestle with bears, eventually you're going to get bitten.
Adam: Yeah, I wrestled a few bears in my day.
Russell: Yeah. Wait, what are bears? Fat chicks?
Adam: Well, the thing is, you know, I had a lot of fun being single. I guess my question is how do you know when you're done?
Jeff: Well, look, when you find the right bear.
Russell: What is it with bears? Were you raised by bears or something?
Adam: You know, you guys, as helpful as this is, I'm going to the bar.
Jeff: Good. Good. You keep drinking until you're happy.
Russell: Actually that's good advice. I'll take it.

Audrey wanders over to Jeff.

Audrey: So. Have you figured out why I'm so upset?
Jeff: I have some theories. How about this art, huh? It's blowing me away.

Jennifer brings her friend Karen over to Russell.

Jennifer: Hey Russell, this is my friend Karen. Karen, Russell.
Russell: Hey. Nice to meet you.
Karen: Nice to meet you.
Russell: May I take your coat?
Karen: Are you going to give it back?
Russell: Ah-heh. If it doesn't fit.

Adam is at the bar when a girl comes over and starts hitting on him.

Sarah: Hi.
Adam: Hi.
Sarah: I'm Sarah.
Adam: I'm Adam.
Sarah: That's a really nice jacket, Adam.
Adam: Thanks. Oh.

Jennifer goes over to talk to Jeff.

Jennifer: Hey.
Jeff: Oh, hey. I saw you talking to Audrey. She's still pretty mad about that bicycle thing, so um, maybe you could help me out?
Jennifer: Audrey kind of wants you to figure it out by yourself.
Jeff: Not going to happen.

Russell is still hanging out with Karen.

Russell: That's hot, I didn't know nurses had business cards.
Karen: I uh, started med school, but took a break. My dream was to become a pediatric surgeon.
Russell: You dream of operating on people's feet?
Karen: No. That's a podiatrist. A pediatric surgeon would-
Russell: Uh.
Karen: You're joking. Are you ever serious?
Russell: Tried it once, wasn't funny.
Karen: Too bad. I think serious can be very sexy.
Russell: Seriously?

Sarah is still talking to Adam.

Sarah: And all my friends were always telling me, Sarah, the most interesting things always happen to you. You should write a book. So, long story short, ta-da! I'm writing it. It's fiction. I've just changed the names to protect the guilty.
Adam: Good idea.
Sarah: It's sort of Catcher in the Rye meets Sex in the City. I mean, I watch that show, and I think, I am so Carrie! It's like her life is my life...

Adam sees Jennifer behind Sarah, looking at a painting, and realizes he really loves her.

Sarah: It's like there are eight million people, but it's so hard to meet the perfect person.
Adam: Yeah. It is. Excuse me.

Adam goes over to Jennifer.

Adam: This looks like it symbolizes inner turmoil, a sense of loss and confusion. What do you think?
Jennifer: I think a monkey got into the paint.
Adam: Look. I'm sorry I got so crazy. I guess I'm just a little scared.
Jennifer: Yeah, well, I'm scared too.
Adam: Why are you scared?
Jennifer: Because, we did this pretty quickly and we don't seem to be seeing things the same way.
Adam: Oh, we will. We will. We just need time.
Jennifer: Are you sure?
Adam: Excuse me. What do you see in this picture?
Old Lady: I see a boat. On the Hudson River. On a summer day.
Henry: Yes, a boat on the Hudson.
Adam: Thanks. Yeah. We'll be fine.
Old Lady: All you do is repeat what I say. Have you had an original thought in the last 40 years?
Henry: And the hearing aid goes off.
Old Lady: Don't you walk away from me, you son of a bitch!

Back at Jeff and Audrey's, they are sitting in bed, and Jeff is on the computer.

Jeff: Hey, take a look.
Audrey: A bicycle website? Jeff, I told you. You're not selling my bike.
Jeff: I know. I'm not. I'm getting one for myself so that we can ride through Central Park together, like we used to.
Audrey: Really?
Jeff: Yeah. Ah, after softball. And not on Sunday during football season.

Russell has taken a lady home with him.

Russell:Ah, that was nice. You know, I'm glad I went.
Candy: I'm glad you did too. Hey, is it all right if I sleep over?
Russell: Here? Uh, sure.
Candy: Great, because my apartment is really tiny, and my roommate's kind of a jerk. It's like, she puts all her food on one shelf of the fridge and tells me not to touch it, and I'm like, I'm going to go get some water. And I'm like fine because I bring home really great food from some of my catering jobs and I don't let her have any. It's not like I want any of her food anyway, I mean, she eats all this organic stuff, like tofu and soy milk, and lots of ridiculous bacon, and I don't even know what that is because I grew up and we ate hot dogs, but I think she eats some of my food anyway because last week I brought all these giant shrimp home, and I counted them before I put them in the fridge, and the next day, two were gone.
Russell: Wait, did you just drink water and never stop talking?
Candy: Oh, yeah, I guess I did. You want to do it again?
Russell: Yes, I do.

Meanwhile at Jeff and Audrey's...

Audrey: Whew. I just kept going, didn't I?
Jeff: Thank you, open bar!
Audrey: Hey. You want to do it again?
Jeff: Again. Remember that?

At Adam and Jennifer's...