Doug: Carrie?
Carrie: Yeah, what's up?
Doug: Just checking my email. What is this?
Carrie: Oh yeah. Someone sent that to me, so I forwarded it to you.
Doug: Bumper stickers we'd like to see.
Carrie: Yeah. They're funny.
Doug: Really?
Carrie: Yeah. Look. Honk if you love peace and quiet. OK, I love this one. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Doug: Who are you?
Carrie: What? What's your problem?
Doug: My problem is you think they're funny and I'm married to you!
Carrie: All right. So our sense of humors are different.
Doug: No, they're not different, OK? This is disturbing.
Carrie: Oh really? Like your sense of humor is so great? How about that singing bass you had on the wall you thought was so funny?
Doug: OK. It's a fish. You walk by it, it comes to life and sings "Take Me to the River."
Carrie: Yeah. Not funny.
Doug: OK. Billy Bass is not funny. No, no.
Carrie: Where are you going?
Doug: I don't know! I'll call you!

OPENING CREDITS

Doug is watching TV. Carrie comes downstairs.

Carrie: All right, Doug. I'm on my way to Lowe's.
Doug: What for?
Carrie: Remember we had a forty-five minute conversation about me redoing my office?
Doug: No, but why would you lie?
Carrie: Anyway, if you want any input on how it looks, you have to come with me.
Doug: Yeah, come on. It's a home office. It's where bills are paid, and our financial future is planned. It doesn't concern me. Besides, I'm meeting Deacon at this new place for lunch. It could be like an all day thing.
Carrie: Oh, wait a minute. Am I going to be able to fit all that stuff in the Jeep?
Doug: I doubt it. Especially since I got a pallet of cinder blocks in there already.
Carrie: Why?
Doug: Uh, building my own meat smoker? Childhood dream? Learn me!

Holly comes in the kitchen door with Arthur.

Holly: Hey guys! We're back!
Carrie: Ooh, wait a minute. Holly has a van.
Doug: Why don't you ask her to help you out?
Carrie: I don't know. It's a pretty big favor to ask and I haven't really been 'can I borrow your van' nice to her. I've barely been 'can I borrow your pen' nice.
Doug: Un-muting.
Carrie: Hey!
Holly: Hey!
Carrie: So Dad. What's on the tap for today?
Arthur: Nothing special, so turn off the interrogation light, Inspector.
Carrie: What about you, Hol?
Holly: Why?
Carrie: Oh, it's nothing. I was just on my way to Lowe's and I thought you could come along.
Holly: Me?
Carrie: Yeah.
Holly: Oh, actually I'm just going to go see my great grandmother at the nursing home.
Carrie: Your great grandmother? Just tell her you went, she won't remember. I mean, sometimes when I don't want to cook, I tell my dad he already ate.
Holly: Yeah, I don't know.
Carrie: The thing is, Hol, is um, I'd love for you to come with me because I uh, I really love your taste.
Holly: Really?
Carrie: Yeah! And the thing is, I really need you to save me from myself because if I shop alone, I am a sucker for ugly. I mean, look at this. I mean.
Holly: I was going to say. I didn't want to.
Carrie: Yeah.
Holly: Great. Great. OK, well, you know what? We can take my van.
Carrie: Oh! That's right, you have a van! OK. Yeah, I mean, your car, my car, as long as I got you with me.
Holly: OK.

Arthur is hanging out with his friend, George, at home.

George: So how long do we have the place to ourselves?
Arthur: Kids will be back at 6:00, but I have to say, I'm having second thoughts about this whole casino party.
George: Well, how else can we make some money?
Arthur: Well, maybe we can get those jobs we applied for at the Skecher store.
George: Hey, it ain't going to be enough to pay for the senior cruise we want to go on.
Arthur: That's right. The brochure said seven widows to every able bodied man.
George: Just like shooting fish in a barrel. Come on, what do you say?
Arthur: I'll go put the Ensure on ice.

Deacon and Doug are hanging out at the new restaurant.

Deacon: I mean, you know, Kelly and I still love each other, but when you got kids, your whole life becomes about them and their needs. You know, I'm not a selfish guy, but I got to tell you, there are some nights I just want to drive away and never come home. I'm not saying I'm not happy, but, but what is happy? You know what I'm saying? Like Snoop Dogg's happy, why can't I be that kind of happy? In like a gangster, pimp kind of way or something. I don't know. It's just, sometimes I think I deserve more out of life.
Doug: Yeah, it's tough all over out there. Hey, where's our waitress? My, my uh, wings are up.
Deacon: Relax. She'll get them.
Doug: Yeah, that's easy for you to say, you already got your salad. And by the way, when did you start ordering dressing on the side? What's next for you? Getting a purse? Oh, there she is. A-ta-ta-ta! Excuse me, miss?
Joanne: I'll be right with you, sir.
Doug: She's getting coffee for them. They just sat down. She's taking out her pen. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. So close.

Doug goes up to the counter and tries to take his plate of wings.

Doug: It's OK, these are mine.
Joanne: Excuse me. I thought I said I'd be with you in just a second, sir.
Doug: Yeah, I was just uh, trying to save some time here for you. I'll tell you what, uh, you can get the bleu cheese though, when you're ready. OK? Thanks.
Joanne: There you go. You want to order something else, tell me. I'll get it for you. OK, sir?
Doug: Right. What a biotch.
Joanne: Did you say something?
Doug: Hm?
Joanne: What did you call me?
Doug: I didn't call you anything.
Joanne: Oh, you didn't call me anything? Cause I thought I heard biotch.
Doug: No, I was telling my friend he had a bee on his watch. It's gone now.
Deacon: I'm very allergic.
Joanne: So now you guys are messing with me?
Doug: We're, we're not doing anything.
Joanne: I mean, you want to go? I'll go right now.
Doug: You saying, you want to fight me?
Joanne: Any time.
Doug: I'm not going to fight you, OK?
Joanne: Yeah. I didn't think so.
Deacon: That uh, that was bone chilling.

Carrie is with Holly at Lowe's.

Carrie: OK. I got the wallpaper. Now on to rugs. Come on, sweetie.
Holly: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that choice of wallpaper um, I'm not feeling it.
Carrie: You're not? Well, I'm feeling it pretty good, now come on! Let's go. Quick, quick, quick like a bunny. Come on! Stop pulling on it.
Holly: No, no, no. I'm just, I mean, Carr, the wallpaper's nice and everything, but I mean, you have to remember, that office is pretty small.
Carrie: So?
Holly: I'm thinking mirrors all around.
Carrie: And that would be really great if I was remodeling, let's say a dance studio, but uh...
Holly: Carrie, Carrie, you brought me here to help.
Carrie: Yes. And you are helping, I mean, you are pushing that cart. That's huge.
Holly: Mm-hmm. Carrie. But you wanted me to help save you from yourself, which is I think what you said, so let's scoot that back in there. Go ahead. Scoot it back in. There you go. Good, good, good. Sweetie? Consider yourself saved. OK? Let's get some wood paneling.

Arthur's casino party is under way.

Arthur: Double goose eggs again, sorry folks! Try again.
George: How's it going so far?
Arthur: We already have enough for the cruise, plus a little leftover for matching bolo ties.
George: Let's wrap it up.
Arthur: If we go another half hour, we can have separate cabins. That way, if one of us is locking dentures with a lovely, the other one doesn't have to sleep in the hall.
George: Look at Josephine. She's eating her weight in cheeses, and hasn't played a nickel.
Arthur: Oh. She's loaded. Got hit by a bus five years ago.
George: That's city money. Talk to her. I'll come.
Arthur: Ah, Josephine. Hope you're enjoying our complementary buffet.
Josephine: Mm, yes! And this cocktail is delicious.
Arthur: It's a Pink Lady. Rum and Pepto. Oh, I've noticed you haven't been using any of your chips!
Josephine: I'm not really very much of a gambler.
Arthur: Ridiculous. Let's get you to a nice spot near the wheel.
Josephine: Hello!
Flora: Hello, Josephine.
Arthur: There we go. What number would you like to play?
Josephine: Oh, how about seventeen?
Arthur: Seventeen it is. No more bets.
Josephine: You know, I've always been very lucky.
Arthur: I'm sure you have.
George: Seventeen.
Josephine: Oh, oh, oh! Seventeen!

Doug is slurping his soda because his glass is almost empty.

Deacon: Dude, that is so annoying! Why don't you just ask for another soda?
Doug: I like ice.
Deacon: You're scared of her, aren't you?
Doug: Scared of her? No. Look, I only backed down because she's a woman, OK? Believe me, if I wanted another soda, I'd get it. I'd get it right now. Amigo! Can I get another root beer?
Manager: Is uh, is everything OK here, gentlemen?
Doug: Yeah, everything is fine, I just uh, I just wanted to get a little more root beer.
Manager: More root beer? Didn't uh, didn't your waitress offer you a refill? Cause at Slappy's, your glasses are never empty. That's a Slappy's guarantee.
Doug: You know what? I don't think she even saw me. It's fine, cause she was on the phone-
Manager: What? She was making a personal phone call while your glass was empty?
Doug: I don't know about the fact that it was personal or not, it's not really a problem, it's just-
Manager: Oh, sir, it's a problem. Here at Slappy's, it's a big problem.
Joanne: I just wanted you guys to know that your root beer is on the way, and because of the inconvenience, your meal today is on Slappy's.
Doug: Well, thank you.
Joanne: Oh, and one other thing. I'm off right now, so I'll be waiting outside in the parking lot, where I'm going to gut you like a deer.

Carrie doesn't like anything that Holly is picking out for her.

Carrie: Holly, I really don't want to get the uh, blue light bulbs.
Holly: Well, just think about how peaceful it's going to be when you're paying your bills.
Carrie: Uh, yeah, it's just that my checks are blue, so basically, they'll just disappear.
Holly: OK, let's pick out some paint. All right, get ready, cause we're about to start taking some chances.
Jonathon: Excuse me. I'm redoing my kitchen, and I can't seem to decide on dune grass or taffy.
Carrie: Oh sorry, man. I'm really not in the mood.
Jonathon: Sorry. I just got divorced, I'm trying to get set in my new apartment. I'm lost.
Carrie: Uh, hey! If you really want some professional decorating tips, that's your girl!
Holly: Please!
Jonathon: I would really appreciate your opinion.
Holly: Gosh, I'd love to help you, but I've got my hands pretty full with this one.
Jonathon: No problem.
Carrie: What are you doing? Go with that guy!
Holly: Well, I'm not done helping you.
Carrie: Hey. Help yourself to that hunk of man over there. He was totally hitting on you.
Holly: Really?
Carrie: Are you kidding me? I would really appreciate your opinion? He practically asked you to be his baby's mama.
Holly: I mean, he is pretty cute. Are you sure you'd be OK?
Carrie: Please. I'll meet you at the van in an hour.
Holly: OK.
Carrie: OK. Excuse me?
Lowe's Employee: Yes, ma'am? Can I help you find something?
Carrie: Um, no. It's just that somebody left all this stuff here, you might want to put it back.

Arthur and George are losing money at their casino party.

Milty: OK, what's the magic number this time, Josephine?
Josephine: You know, I think I'm going to put my chips on twenty-four. That's the number of the bus that hit me!
Arthur: OK, OK, OK! No more bets, no more bets.
George: How's the bar?
Arthur: They put a tower on twenty-four. If it doesn't come up, we're OK. Oh boy.
Seniors: Twenty-four!!
Flora: Oh, I need to get home for my insulin shot. Can I cash these in right now, please?
Arthur: Certainly. One moment. They want to cash out. What do we got money wise?
George: Approximately nothing.
Arthur: What are we supposed to do? We must owe a thousand dollars.
George: I've got a little cash in the car. I'll go get it.
Arthur: OK, hurry.

Arthur hears George squeal his tires and drive away.
Doug is eating slowly so he doesn't have to face Joanne, who is waiting in the parking lot, pacing outside Slappy's.

Deacon: Come on! I got to pick my kids up!
Doug: I am still working on this, OK?
Deacon: You got to make a move here!
Doug: What, what do you think I should do?
Deacon: Why don't you just go out there, get in her face, and say, 'Let's do this.' I'll bet she backs right down.
Doug: Yeah, but what if she doesn't back down?
Deacon: Well, then it's on.
Doug: How do you think that would play out?
Deacon: Well, you got her in weight.
Doug: That's true.
Deacon: Yeah, and she is a waitress.
Doug: Yeah, I could use her apron against her.
Deacon: Yeah, yeah, like a hockey fight.
Doug: Yeah, just pull it over her head. Look, whatever I do, I got to do it fast, cause I can only go full board for about a minute. Then I got to finish the fight from a chair. All right. See, I guess I'm going to do this. You think I can take her?
Deacon: Now listen. I love you, and I believe in you. If you can dream it, you can do it. But when I look in her eyes, I see you dead.

Carrie is done shopping and goes to find Holly so they can go home.

Carrie: Hey, Hol!
Holly: Hey, Carrie! Oh my gosh, you were right. Jonathon is really awesome. And a great kisser. Found that out in lawn care.
Carrie: Way to go. All right, well uh, you go get his phone number, and pull the van around, and I will load my stuff up in the back.
Holly: Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that.
Carrie: What's up?
Holly: Well, Jon and I, we sort of looked at some floor plans, got some materials, we're going to build a futon.
Carrie: Huh, way to go!
Holly: Yeah, yeah, so, we're going to take his stuff to his house in my van.
Carrie: What about my stuff?
Holly: Well, I just don't think there's going to be room for it now, but you know, you can um, call for another ride, or maybe have it delivered?
Carrie: You're going to ditch your friend, Hol? For some guy you just rolled around with in a bag of mulch?
Holly: You're right, you're right. I'm being rude. I'm sorry, Carrie. I'll take you.
Carrie: All right.
Holly: Is this your stuff over here?
Carrie: Yeah, you know? Don't worry about it. Just pull the van around, and it'll be fine.
Holly: What's all this? Where's, where's all the stuff that I picked out for you?
Carrie: Oh, well I just replaced a few items, but this is still basically your vision.
Holly: Mm, no, no. Nothing of mine is in here.
Carrie: Huh!
Holly: Wait. You didn't want me for my taste, you just wanted my van!
Carrie: It's a big van, Hol.
Holly: Fine. Take the precious van. I'll have Jon take me. Hey Jon.
Jonathon: Hey. What's going on?
Holly: Let's just get out of here. We can use your car.
Jonathon: What? You don't have your van? Cause there's no way I'm fitting all this in my Geo!
Holly: What are you saying?
Jonathon: Hey. You be good.
Holly: Oh my God.
Carrie: Listen. I know you're hurting right now, so I'm just going to go ahead and pull the van around front. Thanks.
Holly: Thank you.

Doug is about to go out into the parking lot.

Deacon: You ready to do this?
Doug: Yeah.
Deacon: Stay strong.
Doug: Oh, it's on.

Doug goes outside and exchanges words with the waitress. Suddenly a horn honks, and Deacon pulls Doug's Jeep around. Doug starts running towards his Jeep.

Joanne: Get back here! Now you're making me mad!
Doug: Oh, what's the matter? Your short legs can't move so fast, huh? That's right, I said it! Pull up!

Arthur is giving away Doug and Carrie's things since he has no money for the people cashing in chips.

Arthur: Two hundred ten dollars worth of chips, you get this bottle of pills. Don't take them with alcohol unless you really want to have some fun. All right, who's next?
Old Lady: Do you have more of those pills?
Arthur: All out.
Old Lady: Oh. Then I'll take this hooker pipe.
Old Man: Here you go. Have any more pills?
Arthur: I'm out of pills, but I do have this authentic IPS uniform.
Old Man: It's huge!
Arthur: Well, let your wife have it. Next! Ah, the lucky lady. Well, for your chips, you have a choice between a collection of prima records, or a ten minute shopping spree in my daughter's closet.
Josephine: I have six hundred dollars worth of chips here.
Arthur: Well, there must be something here that catches your fancy.

Carrie comes home and sets the box she has down on where the table normally is, but ends up dropping the box on the floor because the table is gone.