Doug is pushing his big screen TV into the living room.

Doug: Yeah.
TV: Welcome to the Final Four.

Arthur comes in the front door.

Arthur: Final Four. Just in time.

Carrie comes in with a bag of groceries.

Carrie: Hey hon.
Doug: Hey. I thought you guys were going to be out all day celebrating his birthday.
Carrie: Change of plans.
Arthur: I heard you were at home watching basketball, so I told her Six Flags could wait for another day.
Doug: Excuse me. I got to get something.

Doug goes into the kitchen. Carrie is unpacking the groceries.

Doug: Why did you tell him I was home watching the games?
Carrie: He asked where you were. What was I supposed to say?
Doug: I told you what to say.
Carrie: Oh yeah. That you were reading to blind children. I forgot.
Doug: You forgot? Now I'm stuck with the Aqua Velva man.
Carrie: Doug, would you just let him watch with you, please? Think of it as your birthday gift to him.
Doug: No, my birthday gift to him is that he's not living in the VA Hospital.
Carrie: Doug.
Doug: Look, Carrie. Look, I'm serious. I want to watch these games by myself. All right? It's very important. My whole office pool rides on this.
Carrie: What office pool?
Doug: What office pool? Do you listen to anything I say?
Carrie: I'm selective, I'll admit.
Doug: The March Madness pool. OK? If both my teams win, I get two tickets to St. Louis for the championship game, all expenses paid.
Arthur: Douglas! Hurry! You're missing the Maalox pre-game round up!
Carrie: Just let him watch with you? For me.
Doug: OK, fine.
Carrie: Thank you. Now I just got to run some more errands, but I just want you to know that I really appreciate this. This is very sweet of you.
Doug: Well, I hate your guts.

Doug goes back into the living room.

Arthur: They're throwing a pitch on one of the players. The Shandon Hawkins. Raised by his grandmother. Did you ever?
Doug: Never.
Arthur: This is some fun, huh? Just the boys. Watching some round ball.
Doug: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yup.

Doug starts dialing his cell phone behind the arm of the couch.

Arthur: Did I ever tell you I used to play for the Orniota Red Dragons?
Doug: Last night, and this morning.
Arthur: You know, the other players named me Crazy Legs Spooner. Prior to that, I was known simply as Legs Spooner.

The phone rings.

Doug: Oh, I will get it. Hello? What? I can't. I just sat down. I'm watching the game with my father-in-law. All right. All right. I'll be right there. Geez. Bad news, Arthur. One of our other drivers got real sick. I got to go fill in for him.
Arthur: Oh my God. Which one?
Doug: Oh, uh. It was Tom. McJagger.

Doug goes into the garage with some beer and a tiny TV. He goes and sits in the Jeep.

TV: Here we go with the opening tip.

Arthur is in the living room. Carrie comes back from running errands.

TV: And we're down to two minutes left!
Carrie: Hey, Dad. Where's Doug?
Arthur: Oh, he left. He had to fill in for McJagger.

Carrie goes into the garage.

Carrie: What are you doing?!
Doug: What?
Carrie: You're supposed to be watching the game with my father!
Doug: Yeah, I tried. It was too painful. So I just called myself from my cell phone, and uh, pretended it was work.
Carrie: The fake phone call thing again? You know he's going to figure that out eventually.
Doug: When he figures out Velcro, I'll start worrying.
Carrie: All right, well, come inside, so we can do his cake.
Doug: No, Carrie. I got a real shot at winning this thing.
Carrie: Inside! Now!
Doug: OK!!
TV: And the final free throw is good! And that ties the score at sixty-one. We'll be back with the final fifty-five seconds after these words.

Doug goes into the kitchen. Carrie is lighting candles.

Doug: OK! I'm home from work! Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Carrie: OK! Dad, could you come in here a sec?!
Doug & Carrie: Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday.
Doug: Oh.
Carrie: Dear Daddy.
Doug: Hello? What? You're kidding. OK, I'll be right there. Work again. Unbelievable.
Arthur: I hate the way those bastards take advantage of his good nature! Problem is, he's just too nice.
Carrie: Yes. That's his curse. Anyway, why don't you just go ahead and blow out the candles, and make a wish.

Arthur blows out the candles.

Carrie: OK, that was a wet one. Anyway, what did you wish for? Tiger cub?
Arthur: Not this year. Was a twenty-two on that one.
Carrie: What then?
Arthur: To be honest, I wished I could spend more time with Douglas.
Carrie: Really?
Arthur: Yeah. He's such a wonderful young man. But it seems every time I'm about to enjoy the pleasure of his company, he's whisked away to his job, or one of his charities, or he's locked in his room stricken with fever. Oh well, let's enjoy this wonderful cake.

Doug comes in the kitchen door.

Doug: I won! I won!
Arthur: Douglas, I thought you were called back to work.
Doug: No, that was a wrong number. I'm going to St. Louis, for the big game!
Carrie: Oh, well that's great!
Arthur: Sounds like a marvelous adventure.
Carrie: Um, have you decided who you're going to take with you?
Doug: Yeah. Deacon.

Doug is upstairs packing for his trip. Carrie comes in the bedroom.

Carrie: Did you not see me bulge my eyes and point with my head?
Doug: Yeah. I assumed you were having some sort of seizure so I left.
Carrie: Doug, why can't you just take-
Doug: No, Carrie. I am not taking him to St. Louis. And you know what? It's insane for you to even ask.
Carrie: But I'm only asking because it's his birthday.
Doug: No, no. You got his birthday gift when you made me watch TV with him.
Carrie: But you didn't watch TV with him!
Doug: He rubbed ear stuff on me!
Carrie: OK, look Doug. I know that he's not a picnic to be around, but the fact is that he adores you! Do you know what he wished for tonight when he was blowing out his candles? To spend more time with you.
Doug: Now how do you know that?
Carrie: Because he told me.
Doug: Oh well, if he told you his wish, it can't come true. It's not allowed.
Carrie: Doug.
Doug: No, I don't make the rules, baby.
Carrie: All right, you know. Let me bottom line this for you, OK? You do this for him, and I will never ask you to do anything with him ever, ever again.
Doug: Yeah, OK. Yeah. Right.
Carrie: No, I am serious about this, Doug! You take him to St. Louis, and you are done! You don't have to drive him to the senior center, no more playing Monopoly, Chinese checkers, thumb wrestling, and my hand to God, you never have to apply ointment to his naked back again.
Doug: Wait a second, you just mentioned his back. You didn't say anything about his front. Does he got something going on on his front that I don't know about?!
Carrie: Fine. You don't have to do his front either.
Doug: All right.

Doug and Arthur are on the plane to St. Louis.

Pilot: Hey there folks. Welcome aboard Flight 317 to St. Louis. Please make yourselves comfortable. We should be taking off shortly.
Arthur: This is a wonderful surprise, Douglas. Thank you again.
Doug: My pleasure. Fact is, I've been itching to spend more time with you.
Arthur: Really? I was just telling Carrie I wanted to spend more time with you.
Doug: Wow! Well, you know what? Let's just enjoy the time we have together now. You know. In case we don't see each other much after this.
Arthur: Yeah, let the enjoying commence.
Doug: What do you got there?
Arthur: My sleeping pills.
Doug: Nervous flier, huh?
Arthur: Oh yes. Once I stormed the cockpit in a panic. But these days, that's frowned upon.
Pilot: OK, folks, this is Captain Bender. We seem to be having a little problem with the landing gear. Hopefully, we'll get it fixed, and we'll take off shortly.
Arthur: Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

Doug is on the phone with Carrie.

Carrie: Oh, I'm sorry your flight's delayed, honey, but hang in there, OK? You're doing a really great thing for him.
Doug: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Uh, how's everything going there?
Carrie: Oh, it's OK, I guess. I mean, you know, I don't like to be home by myself, but it is one night. I'll just try to get through it somehow.
Doug: All right, I love you.
Carrie: I love you too. Bye bye.

Doug is sitting on the plane, anxious to take off.

Pilot: Folks, this is the Captain again. Apparently, our maintenance crew has been unable to fix the landing gear after all. But don't worry. We'll get you to St. Louis tonight. We have another flight that connects through Pittsburgh leaving through Gate 2 in about fifteen minutes.
Doug: All right, Arthur. Come on. We got to hustle. Arthur. Arthur.

Since Arthur is in a deep sleep, Doug is pushing him on a luggage cart trying to make it to Gate 2. Arthur sleeps all the way to Pittsburgh, and Doug gets a wheelchair to push him in when they land. Doug goes over to the ticket counter. Arthur wakes up.

Arthur: Douglas! Douglas!
Doug: Yeah, shh. He's old. I'm here.
Arthur: What's going on?
Doug: Our flight got canceled. We had to grab a connection to Pittsburgh.
Arthur: We're in Pittsburgh?
Doug: Yeah.
Arthur: I've never been in Pittsburgh! Come on. Let's tour the steel mills. Let's drink from the Monongahela!
Doug: We board in ten minutes.
Arthur: Oh. That's just enough time to load up on some souvenirs. I'll be back in a jiff.
Doug: Come. Hey! We don't have a jiff!

Carrie is at home painting her toenails, drinking wine, and listening to music. The doorbell rings.

Joe: Guess who?
Carrie: Hey, Joe! What are you doing here?
Joe: Ah, I had to go to a buddy of mine's funeral, but my flight back doesn't leave for a couple hours. Figured I'd pop in here and surprise you.
Carrie: Well, mission accomplished.
Joe: Where's my boy? He upstairs?
Carrie: Uh, no. Actually he uh, won some tickets to a basketball game so he's on his way to St. Louis with my father.
Joe: Ah, geez. Sorry I missed him. What's all this? You having a seance?
Carrie: Uh, no. No. That's just a little bit of mood lighting. Won't be needing that now.
Joe: Ah. You're in the middle of dinner.
Carrie: Yeah, I'm just having some sushi. Do you want some?
Joe: No, the one time I had that, I got a tapeworm as big as a baby's leg. But you enjoy.

Doug is waiting for Arthur, and time is running out.

Airline Worker: Attention all passengers on Flight 641 to St. Louis. This is final boarding. Final boarding for St. Louis.
Doug: Damn it, Arthur. Come on. Hi. Excuse me. Uh, my father-in-law kind of wandered off. Can you give me like, five minutes to look for him? I got to get him to St. Louis tonight.
Airline Worker: I'm sorry. If it's not an emergency, I have to close the door now.
Doug: OK. You know what? Yeah, it is an emergency. My wife said if I take him to this game tonight, I never have to spend time with him again. And let me tell you something. That is huge. Cause the guy is brutal. I mean, if a migraine headache wore a cardigan sweater, and chewed its soup, that would be Arthur Spooner. You know what I'm saying? Arthur.
Arthur: And to think I just bought you an 'I Heart Pittsburgh' button.
Doug: Arthur! Just give me one second please. Arthur!

Doug sees an airport cart.

Doug: Hey, I'm trying to find a guy who ran off that direction right there. You want to help me chase him down? I'll give you ten bucks.
Cart Guy: Sure.
Doug: All right, man. Thank you very much. Let her rip. Let her rip. Let her rip. OK, not the best ten bucks I ever spent. Thank you.

Doug goes back to the gate. Arthur is sitting on a chair at the gate.

Doug: Arthur. How did you get back here?
Arthur: I just did a quick circle around the chairs.
Airline Worker: Sir, I'm closing the door now. Are you boarding or not?
Doug: Yes. Yes, we are.
Arthur: No, we're not. I'm not flying to St. Louis with a man who despises me. Never again.
Doug: I don't, I don't despise you. OK? I just made that stuff up so he'd hold the gate. Now I swear, now. Come on!
Arthur: Douglas, I may be a stupid old man, but I'm not stupid. You meant what you said, and I'm not getting on that plane.
Doug: You know what, Arthur? You're right. I meant what I said. I meant every damn word of it! I mean, every time I got something good in my life, you come along with your big Mickey Mouse hands and scoop it away!
Arthur: What did I ever take from you?! I define for you to name three things.
Doug: My basement, my privacy, a quarter of my paycheck every week!
Arthur: I define you to name three more.
Doug: There are thousands more, OK, Arthur? But let's go with the latest one. This game. I really wanted to go to this game tonight! And you blew it for me.
Arthur: I will not give you the satisfaction of lording this over me. I will get you to your precious game.
Doug: Oh please. How the hell are you going to do that?

Joe is sanding a leg of the dining room table, while Carrie is holding it up.

Carrie: How are you doing there, Joe? Getting close, baby?
Joe: Few more seconds.
Carrie: OK. Starting to get the shakes.
Joe: All right. Let her down gently. How's that? She still wobbling?
Carrie: Didn't notice that she was wobbling before. Everything is fine now.
Joe: Ah, I don't know. Whoa! You don't have a level.
Carrie: I don't know. Just what Sears put in the box.
Joe: All right, no need to panic. I can make one lickety split. All I need is a couple of Dixie cups, a ping pong ball, and a drop of water.
Carrie: Joe, the table is fine now.
Joe: It's your house. Now, the last time I was here, I noticed the ice was a little milky. Come on, help me move the fridge out.
Carrie: What? What, no!
Joe: What's the matter?
Carrie: Look, Joe. I am done moving furniture for tonight, OK?! That also includes sanding and varnishing!
Joe: Oh, gee. I'm sorry, Carrie. Guess I did kind of barge in and take over, huh?
Carrie: Yeah, a little bit.
Joe: Listen, I think maybe I better uh, head over to the airport, and uh, hang out there till my flight leaves. Again, I'm sorry if I interrupted your evening. It's uh, good seeing you, Carrie.
Carrie: No, Joe? Wait, please. I, I want you to stay. Really I do.
Joe: Really?
Carrie: Can't we just sit and talk, you know? Have a normal visit without power tools and Dixie cups?
Joe: I'd like that.
Carrie: Me too.

Doug and Arthur are on a flight with a bunch of rabbis who are chanting a prayer. Doug and Arthur join in.

Doug: Eeny meeny miny mo. Eeny meeny miny mo.
Hasidic Man: Thank you. Without you, we wouldn't have had a minion.
Arthur: Well, that's what we do.
Doug: OK. That was ridiculous.
Arthur: You're lucky I talk Paryana Kibbutz. Or I never could have talked our way on here.
Doug: OK, if I were lucky, you wouldn't be living in my basement.
Arthur: And if I were lucky, you wouldn't be so fat.
Doug: OK, what does that have to do with luck?
Arthur: I can't hear you. You're too fat. Oh God! What was that?
Doug: I don't know.
Pilot: Gentlemen, we've hit a bit of weather here. So it'll be pretty bumpy the rest of the way to St. Louis. So please make sure you keep your seat belts fastened. Thank you.
Arthur: Where are my pills?
Doug: You took them all in New York.
Arthur: Oh God!
Doug: Arthur, just relax, OK?
Arthur: I can't relax. I'm terrified. I wish I'd really prayed with these men, instead of just making silly noises. AAAH! Come on.
Doug: Just relax. OK? You all right? You OK?
Arthur: I don't want to die, Douglas.
Doug: You're not going to die, OK? It's just turbulence.
Arthur: I mean, I don't want to die ever!
Doug: With my luck, you won't.
Arthur: Douglas, when my time does come, am I headed upstairs or downstairs?
Doug: I, I think upstairs.
Arthur: I hope so. Over the years, at least a dozen people have said to me, you're going to roast in hell, Spooner.
Doug: Uh-huh. Even so, I think you're uh, you're really not the hell type. You know, down there, they're looking for evil. You're not evil. You're, you're exhausting.
Arthur: Thank you, Douglas.
Doug: Yeah.
Arthur: I'm sorry I played the fat card before.
Doug: It's OK. You didn't play it very well.
Arthur: AAAH!! All that being said, you might want to speak to the pilot because I'm about to become hysterical.
Pilot: Gentlemen, looks like we're going to be making an unscheduled stop in about five minutes. Don't worry. The screaming man will be getting off the plane.

Carrie and Joe are sitting on the couch hanging out.

Joe: So, Freddy says to me. That's not a Lionel engine. That's a knock off. But the joke is on him because I know it's authentic from the smokestack, so he sold it to me for a song.
Carrie: You're kidding me.
Joe: Hand to God.
Carrie: I love it.
Joe: Oh, oh, oh! Here's a capper. Jump ahead three years. I'm at a train show in Utaca. And guess who walks over to me with the sorriest looking freight car you ever saw?
Carrie: I think I know who! I think I know, ooh! Wait! Hold that thought. Hello? What?! Oh crap.

Doug is sitting in a chair watching the game on a little TV attached to the chair. The TV turns itself off. Arthur comes over.

Arthur: OK, so what do you like? Are you thinking snow globe or the Dayton cheese board?

Doug takes the snow globe and throws it on the floor.