Carrie: What are you doing with a Clark Bar? I thought you were a Snicker's man.
Doug: Oh. I delivered to an Ed Clark today, and well, one thing led to another.
Carrie: Any chance you might deliver to a Steve Celery sometime?
Doug: Any chance you could deliver to Shutty Town? I used to love these as a kid. Mm. Actually stole one once.
Carrie: You stole?
Doug: Yup. I was at Herb's Candies one day, I came up a dime short, so I just put one in my pocket, slipped out the front door, and ate it. Five minutes later, I felt so guilty, I threw it all up.
Carrie: And yet, you got back on the horse.
Doug: How about you, you ever steal anything?
Carrie: Uh, once in high school, a bunch of us stole a car.
Doug: I'm sorry?
Carrie: Well, if you want to be technical, it was more of a carjacking. The uh, the shop teacher, Mr. Peshkin was going to fail a bunch of us, so we waited for him after school, and um, when he was climbing into his crappy old Buick, my friend Jimmy came up behind him. He was like, 'Get down! Get down!' like he had a gun or something, so Mr. Peshkin just dropped to the pavement, and we just all piled in his car, and took off. He never saw us. But then later on, we started freaking out about fingerprints, so we stripped the license plates, and pushed the car into the river. It's crazy the stuff you do as a kid, right?

OPENING CREDITS

Carrie is sick with a cold, and Doug is sitting with her in their bedroom.

Carrie: Ugh.
Doug: I've never wanted you more.
Carrie: Do you ever think at times like this, when I'm not looking my best is when I need to feel attractive the most?
Doug: All right, let's do it.
Carrie: No, come on. Come on. Stop it. Stop it. I need you to do something for me, OK?
Doug: I already got you your precious medicine.
Carrie: I need you to go with my father to Family Night at the Senior Center. It starts at 6:00.
Doug: I can't. Tonight I have plans.
Carrie: What plans?
Doug: I was going to drink beer and gamble online!
Carrie: OK, you know what? If you're going to be such a baby about it, then I will just go myself.
Doug: Wait, wait, wait! Gosh. Bundle up.

Doug is with Arthur at Family Night.

Arthur: This is where Gus Lumbson died. This is where Chuck Randolph died. And this is where they give us juice.
Doug: Wow, this is great, this is really, really great. Oh my God! Is it, is it 6:05 already?!
Arthur: Oh no. Here comes that braggart, Philip Waldecott.
Philip: Spooner.
Arthur: Waldecott.
Philip: Am I missing anything? I'm a little late. I just had a meeting with our contractor. We're building a new guest wing onto our house.
Arthur: What a coincidence. We're building a new guest wing on our house.
Philip: Well, lucky for us, we'll be away at St. Bart's, while they're doing all the work.
Arthur: Amazing, we'll be in St. Bart's while they're doing our work.
Philip: By the way, I'd like you to meet my son-in-law, Warren.
Arthur: Pleasure. By the way, I'd like you to meet my son-in-law, Warren.
Philip: Nice to meet you, Warren.
Doug: Ah, actually everybody calls me Doug, for short.
Philip: So, the member guest shuffleboard tournament is coming up next week, hm? I understand that the first prize is a large basket of Mr. Tootsie's Foot Care Products. I assume that you two will be playing?
Arthur: Playing? I will be giving you the rubbing of your lives, Waldecott. Right, Warren?
Doug: OK, couple things, not Warren, not going.
Philip: Well, come on Warren, you've been begging to see my pottery.
Arthur: I'm sorry, Douglas. I didn't mean to put you on the spot. It just would have been nice to stick it to that smug bastard. You and me, together, stepping into that winner's circle, holding up that foot powder. I could almost taste it.
Philip: Spooner. Can you believe this? My gravy boat won first prize.
Arthur: Congratulations.
Philip: I'm sorry to see you walk away empty handed. But I suppose you could go home and look at all your ribbons from all the years of, oh no, wait. You haven't won any, have you?
Arthur: No.
Philip: Well, anyway. I guess I'll be seeing you in St. Bart's?
Arthur: Hmm.
Doug: All right. They're going down.

Holly has brought Carrie some soup.

Holly: Carrie. It's Holly. Can I come in?
Carrie: Oh, yeah. Hey, come in. Join the party.
Holly: Your dad told me you were sick, so I brought you some soup.
Carrie: Aw, that is so sweet. Thank you.
Holly: Sure.
Carrie: Oh, and from what I can smell, it smells great.
Holly: What do you think?
Carrie: Mm. Oh, it's great. Thank you.
Holly: Yeah. It's something my mom used to make for her boyfriends when they were detoxing.
Carrie: Oh, well that was very nice of you. Thank you.
Holly: Oh sure. I can come by tomorrow and bring you some more if you're still not feeling well.
Carrie: Hey, well. If you don't mind.
Holly: Not at all. All right. Here you go. Feel better, and I will see you tomorrow.
Carrie: OK. Oh, and Hol?
Holly: Yeah.
Carrie: Could you maybe bring me something a little sweet too?
Holly: Like what?
Carrie: I don't know. Surprise me.

Doug and Arthur are practicing shuffleboard.

Arthur: Ah, Douglas. Thanks again for doing this. It means the world to me.
Doug: You got it, Arthur. By the way, they put a drawstring on sweatpants for a reason, OK?
Arthur: All right. Let's get this practice underway. We'll learn the court, get our team strategy together, and while we're at it, take in the sights. You know what happens at the Senior Center stays at the Senior Center.
Doug: All right, well let's do it, huh? Let's see what this game is all about.
Josephine: Oh, looks like I knocked you out again, Douglas.
Flora: You're in the zone, Josephine! Your turn.

Doug hits the disc too hard and it flies off the court. Doug chases a disc through the parking lot.

Josephine: Thanks for the match, boys.
Flora: We'll see you inside. Losers buy the juice.
Doug: I can't believe this! I mean, it looked much easier on "The Loveboat."
Arthur: Don't worry about it, Douglas. With a little more practice, Team Spooner will be neck deep in foot powder. We'll show that Waldecott a thing or two.
Doug: Thanks, Arthur. You know what? Yeah, you're right. We're going to win this thing!
Arthur: You bet we will.
Doug: Yeah.
Arthur: Oh boy.

Doug is practicing shuffleboard in the house when Carrie comes downstairs.

Doug: Oh, damn it! What are you doing? That one was heading for the ten!
Carrie: What are you doing?
Doug: I couldn't find a court that's open at night.
Carrie: How about our very long, well-lit driveway?
Doug: Nah. Then I'd have to roll up the hose, it's a whole thing.
Carrie: All right. I want to give you a free pass on this one, honey, because you're doing a nice thing for my dad.
Doug: Really? Can I uh, use that free pass for Jack-in-the-Box?
Carrie: No.

Holly comes in the kitchen door with food for Carrie.

Holly: Hey guys!
Doug: Hey.
Carrie: Oh, hey!
Holly: Carrie, I brought you some of that noodle casserole, and for dessert, rice pudding! How you feeling?
Carrie: Well, I'm not as weak.
Holly: Well, don't you worry. Miracle noodles coming right up.
Doug: What is she, your caterer now?
Carrie: I'm still sick, you know! I'm very weak and achy.
Doug: Really? Then why weren't you under the covers before she got here?
Carrie: I was trying to be brave for you.
Holly: Pasta Express coming through! Here you go.
Carrie: Oh, thank you.
Holly: Enjoy.
Carrie: OK, I will. Mmm.
Holly: What do you think?
Carrie: Mmm. Great. I'm feeling better already.
Holly: Oh, good. Good. Well, if you're all set here, I'm going to take off.
Carrie: Oh, um Holly?
Holly: Yeah, what's wrong?
Carrie: Oh, nothing. It's just that I don't uh, I don't know what I'm going to do for dinner tomorrow.
Holly: Oh, I've got more of the noodle casserole at home. I could bring it by if you want.
Carrie: Yeah, I was thinking something a little bit more main coursy.
Holly: Like, like?
Carrie: Like, um, something with lamb? You know? Maybe those tiny lamb chops? I'm just throwing that one out there.
Holly: Oh, OK. No problem. I just have to stop by the store, and the ATM.
Carrie: Oh, and could you maybe make something for Doug too? I feel so bad, I haven't been able to cook for him.
Holly: What, what, what would he like?
Carrie: Um, I don't know. Maybe some pasta? Caesar salad?
Holly: Oh, OK. Um, so we have um, lamb chops, and pasta, Caesar salad.
Carrie: Oh, does that have anchovies in it?
Holly: Usually does. Do you want them?
Carrie: Put them on the side.
Holly: OK.
Carrie: Put them on the side.
Holly: Anchovies on the side. And to drink?
Carrie: 7Up?
Holly: Is Sprite OK?
Carrie: OK. OK.
Holly: Great. Spr- AAAH CHOO!
Carrie: God bless you.
Holly: Thanks. Sprite.

Arthur is down at the subway station. Spence is sweeping the floor.

Arthur: Hello, Spence. Calling it a night?
Spence: Yup. I am beat. I cannot wait to get into bed.
Arthur: I'm sure that'll give you great comfort, while I'm below on the platform, being stabbed.
Spence: It's perfectly safe down here. Although, people pick up after themselves.
Arthur: If I was a betting man, I'd say you couldn't do that again.
Spence: I guess you'd lose then.
Arthur: Hold it, son. By any chance, have you ever played shuffleboard?
Spence: No.
Arthur: Oh, I can't believe that. You must have played before. You have perfect form. Look. I have a tournament coming up. I want you to play with me.
Spence: NO! I told you I don't play! Anymore...

Spence flashes back to when he used to play shuffleboard.

Spence Narrating: The summer I turned fourteen was a magical time. I was the best junior shuffle boarder in the city. My coach said, 'Sky is the limit.' College recruiters were hounding me, and the girls! Hello, first base! I had just gotten back from the goodwill tour of the Iron Curtain Countries, and I was on top of the world.
Spence: Hey Ma! I'm going to the shuffleboard nationals in Boca Raton! Hey maybe I can win us some prize money and finally get us... Mom? Coach Wallick?
Coach Wallick: Hey, kid. How you doing?
Veronica: That's great news, Spencer. Now be a dear and get Mommy a ginger ale.

The show returns to present day.

Arthur: That's a terrible story. Though not exactly a surprise ending.
Spence: That day I put down my queue, and I would never pick it up again.
Arthur: Fine. But do me one favor then. Do you know what this is?
Spence: Of course I do. It's a regulation shuffleboard glove.
Arthur: Put it on. And if you still feel the same way, we'll never speak of this again.
Spence: God, this just feels so right.

Spence and Arthur are at the shuffleboard court. Spence is showing off his skills when Doug walks onto the court.

Doug: Uh, Arthur? What's Spence doing here, and why is he dressed like Mitch Gaylord?
Arthur: Oh, there's no easy way to say this, Douglas. I'm making some changes on Team Spooner. Actually, just one change. He's in, you're out.
Doug: What are you talking about?
Arthur: Let's not make a scene.
Doug: But what about all that talk? About me and you against the world, huh? Holding up that foot powder? Winning this thing together?
Arthur: I guess the operative term there was winning. Look at him, Douglas. He's beautiful. It's like he was genetically bred to play the game.
Doug: Fine. You know what? You play with your boyfriend. But I got news for you, old man. I've been practicing on my game. And you know what? Here's a little taste of what you're going to be missing.
Old Man: Oh, my good hip.

Spence and Arthur have been winning all their shuffleboard matches, and have made it to the finals.
Holly is still bringing food over for Carrie, even though she's caught Carrie's cold.

Holly: Hey.
Carrie: Hey, Hol. A little late tonight. I'm starving.
Holly: OK. Um, I have your saffron risotto, and your Chilean sea bass with mango chutney.
Carrie: Wait a minute. You didn't make me your spring rolls?
Holly: Oh, no. No, I couldn't find any fresh crab meat, and I know how you hate the imitation.
Carrie: OK. OK. You know what? Don't you worry about it.
Holly: OK.
Carrie: OK?
Holly: So uh, I see you uh, went to work today.
Carrie: Yeah. Yeah, it's a new job so I had to drag myself out of bed, you know?
Holly: Yeah, I see you also dragged yourself to Bloomingdale's.
Carrie: What are you driving at here, Hol?
Holly: No, I mean, it's just that if someone were to walk in here right now, you know, they might think that I was the sick one, and that you were the well one, that's all. That's all.
Carrie: Well, I can't speak for you, OK, but I am sick. What, should I be sitting here with a big, red nose and a thermometer hanging out of my mouth, a hot water bottle right here. This is what a sick person looks like!
Holly: I mean, no, no! It's just, well, you bought lingerie.
Carrie: I am sick!
Holly: OK.
Carrie: All right?! I'm sick!
Holly: I know.
Carrie: OK?! I got a new job that's very stressful!
Holly: I'm sure it was a very difficult time...
Carrie: And now you're calling me a liar?!
Holly: No, I didn't mean to call you a liar. I'm sorry.
Carrie: And the only thing that was making me feel better was your cooking!
Holly: OK. OK.
Carrie: And I just really wanted those spring rolls!
Holly: I'm sorry. I will, I will, I will do that. I will make those spring rolls. I just, I just didn't know where to get the crab meat.
Carrie: Well, you can get them down by the docks, if you get there when the boats come in.
Holly: OK. OK. I'll do that. Again, I'm really, AAAAH CHOO! Sorry.
Carrie: Oh, you didn't breathe on any of the food, did you?
Holly: No, I was careful.
Carrie: OK.
Holly: See you.
Carrie: All right, sweetie.

Spence runs into some problems at home.

Spence: Hey, Ma! You're not going to believe it. I'm doing it! I'm playing again. I even got in touch with my old coach. He said he was going to... Mom? Coach Wallick?
Coach Wallick: Oh hey kid. How you doing?
Veronica: Well, you're the one who got back in touch with him. Be a dear and get Mommy a ginger ale.

Arthur is on the phone trying to convince Spence to continue playing shuffleboard. Doug comes into the kitchen.

Arthur: But the finals are tomorrow. You got to play. Come on, stop blubbering! So your mother gets around. What else is new? Oh the hell with you. What are you, making a sandwich?
Doug: What gave me away? The bread, ham, and mustard?
Arthur: The man scores again. Well eat up, you need your strength. Tomorrow's a big day.
Doug: Oh yeah? What's so big about it?
Arthur: Why, you and I are in the finals against Philip and Warren. Don't tell me you forgot.
Doug: What are you talking about? You dumped me.
Arthur: Dumped you? Hey, that doesn't sound like me.
Doug: Wait a second. That was Spence on the phone. He's out, and you want me back in! Is that it?
Arthur: Great! Now that we're up to speed, let's talk strategy.
Doug: What, what would possibly make you think that I would come back and help you win this thing? Why would I help you do anything, huh?
Arthur: You're right. I'm sorry, Douglas. I guess when you fail in as many things as I have in life, a basket of foot powder looks like the Nobel Prize. I've lost that, now I've probably lost you too. Have a good night.
Doug: All right, I, I'll play.
Arthur: Really?
Doug: Yeah, but you realize we're probably not going to win this thing.
Arthur: Just you doing this, means I've already won.

The day of the tournament, Arthur and Doug have lost.

Arthur: Loser! I would have been better off with an ape!
Doug: You said you didn't care about winning!
Arthur: You're dead to me!
Doug: Same here!!
Philip: Ah, sweet relief.

Holly has brought Carrie dinner on a rainy night.