Arthur: Douglas? Mind if I snag one of the more challenging sections?
Doug: Go ahead. OK, are you going to read the paper, or are you going to strangle someone?
Arthur: The cheap ink they use makes my fingers black.
Doug: OK. Thanks for wetting down page one. By the way, you got a phone call before. Some guy Irv, from the senior center, wanted to know if you could fill in for him at the front desk next week.
Arthur: Me? I haven't held a position of authority in years. No, I'm afraid I can't do it. Or could I? The will is there, but do I have the stamina? Damn it, if Irv needs me, I can't let him down! I'll do it!
Doug: Couldn't care less.

OPENING CREDITS

Arthur goes to the senior center dressed like Dick Tracy.

Arthur: Let's light this candle. Josephine, can I see you for a minute? Have a seat. As you know, I'm taking over the reins from Irv. I think we should discuss what I expect from you.
Josephine: Who are you again?
Arthur: I'm the guy who's going to make this the best run senior center in the city. That's who. Now, what's on my calendar?
Josephine: Well, let's see, uh, oh yes! You know the pudding we have on Wednesdays? Well, the salesman is coming tomorrow to pick up his check.
Arthur: Pudding salesman, huh? Find out everything you can about this guy. What he likes, what he hates, if he takes a crap, I want to know about it.

Doug is hanging out with the guys at Cooper's.

Deacon: Hey, what's up, fellas?
Doug: Nice jacket, there, pimp daddy.
Deacon: Thanks. A gift from Kelly, for no reason at all, it's not my birthday, just out of the blue.
Doug: Wife's clearly having an affair.
Spence: Oh my God.
Danny: What's the matter?
Spence: Sunday Times. Wedding announcements.
Deacon: Ooh.
Doug: A certain Mrs. Yugo-Battaglia of Queens, New York, announced the upcoming marriage of their daughter, Denise Ruth Battaglia, to Scott John van Wagner, son of James and Arlene van Wagner, of Memphis, Tennessee. The wedding will take place at Greater Mount Morris First Presbyterian Church in Memphis.
Spence: I can't, I can't believe it. We broke up like three months ago, and now she's already getting married?!
Danny: Well, maybe it's a different Denise Ruth Battaglia, of Queens.
Spence: No. No, it's her. Look at this guy she's marrying. Look at this loser, look!
Doug: Lot of stripes, what is he, a general?

Doug is driving the guys home.

Doug: Look Spence, I know you're going to find somebody just as good as Denise, if not better.
Spence: Oh yeah? Do you really think I'm going to find a woman who's as into avant-garde film as I am, or folk dancing, or is a ninth-level player in "Magic: The Gathering?"
Doug: Absolutely.
Spence: No, I blew it! I should have fought her. I should have grabbed her by those incredible shoulders, and said, I love you, and I know you love me. But did I do that? No. You know why? Same reason I'm selling tokens on the subway, instead of driving the train.
Deacon: I thought you failed the psych test.
Spence: You didn't see that ink blot! But the bottom line is, everything would be different if I'd just taken a stand!
Doug: Well, maybe it's not too late.
Spence: What do you mean?
Doug: To tell Denise what you just told us.
Spence: But she's getting married in Memphis tomorrow! I mean, even if I wanted to, I couldn't make it there in time!
Doug: You could if we started driving right now.
Spence: Really?
Deacon: Kelly and the kids are at her mom's, I got no place else to be, I'm in.
Spence: You really think we can do this.
Danny: If we're going to go on an extended trip, I'm going to have to stop and get my bite plate.
Spence: What, what if I'm wrong though? What if she doesn't love me back?
Deacon: Well, maybe she does, and maybe she doesn't. There's only one way to find out.
Danny: Because if I sleep without that thing, my jaw snaps shut like a bear trap.
Spence: I don't know.
Doug: Spence, look, you got a chance here, and you, you got to go for it. If you don't go for it, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life. So where am I steering this car?
Spence: Memphis, Tennessee.
Deacon: That's what I'm talking about! OK, she, she checked in last night? OK, great, thanks. OK, I got it. Denise is staying at the West Memphis Econo Lodge.
Doug: Fancy.
Spence: Well, in about ten hours, she's going to open her door to find me standing there, holding a single red rose, and saying, excuse me, miss, I think I left my love in here. In case I didn't say it, thanks for this.
Doug: Come on, man. This is what friends do.
Spence: Ah, you guys are great.
Deacon: Hey, right back at you.
Spence: Yeah, I'm glad you're in my life.
Doug: OK. Love scene over.
Deacon: We're pulling up on I-70.
Spence: Great. Uh, take that west to I-64, hook up with the I-40, and then straight through Bartlett and on into Memphis. Yeah. Oh, Deac, doesn't your Dad live in Bartlett?
Deacon: Uh-huh.
Spence: No reason we can't stop in on the way back.
Deacon: That's OK.
Doug: Uh-uh.
Spence: No, that's silly. It's right on the way.
Deacon: I said NO!
Doug: What part of uh-uh didn't you understand?
Spence: Sorry.
Doug: Hey, is it me, or are those cows getting anybody else hungry, huh?
Deacon: I could eat.
Doug: You know what? Why don't you wake Danny up?
Spence: Oh. He's asleep? He's not supposed to sleep without his bite plate.
Deacon: Hey, hey, Danny, we're going to get some food. Danny?
Danny: Oh, hey guys. Oh God!

Doug drives to a dental center.

Spence: What's going on?
Danny: Uh, I need $600.
Doug: What?
Danny: I need $600. Ow!
Deacon: You don't got a credit card?
Danny: Oh, he won't take one. He wants cash.
Doug: What?
Danny: He wants cash! Ow! It hurts to talk.
Doug: What?
Danny: It hurts when I talk!
Spence: Can we just pay the guy and get out of here? Look, I've got a $100.
Doug: I got like, $80.
Deacon: Yeah, I got like, $50.
Danny: I don't have anything. What? My wallet's at home on my dresser next to my bite plate.
Spence: We're still way short. What are we going to do?

The guys are back in the car.

Danny: I don't think this thing fits right.
Deacon: Yeah, well, it cost me a leather jacket, so I'm going to need you to make it fit.
Doug: Look at that. Kachingo Indian Casino.
Deacon: Oh yeah?
Doug: We need cash, and you can get a crap-load of money with just your credit card at those places.
Spence: Guys, it's twenty-two miles out of the way. We're not going to make it to the hotel before Denise leaves for the wedding.
Doug: Hey, you want to stop a wedding, you do it at the church. Everybody knows that.
Spence: I still say we keep going.
Doug: Well, she's turning. What's happening?
Spence: Uh, what are you doing?
Doug: It's not me, it's the car. She's taking us there. She does this with Krispy Kreme too.
Spence: Oh, just go in and get money. No gambling, OK?
Deacon: Absolutely not.
Doug: We're not going to gamble.

Doug, Deacon, and Danny get back in the car after stopping at the casino.

Doug: Shutty.

Carrie is at the market trying to buy food.

Cashier: Still declined, ma'am. Sorry.
Carrie: Huh. I don't believe this! Do I have to put this stuff back, or...
Cashier: Yeah.
Carrie: OK. All right. Excuse me. Thank you. I'm sorry, guys. I'm sorry.

Arthur is in the office. The pudding supplier, Steve, comes in.

Steve: Hi Irv. Got my check?
Arthur: Irv's not here. The name's Arthur Spooner. And you are?
Steve: Oh, Steve Git. I'm with Royal Pudding.
Arthur: Oh, I know all about you, Mr. Git. How you like to prey on the elderly and their weakness for creamy desserts? Well, news flash, Mister. Your days of price gouging are about to end.
Steve: Um, what we're charging is right in line with the other companies.
Arthur: I don't want some price cooked up in the smoke-filled rooms of your pudding cartel. I want real value. Now I'm going to write down a number, and that's what we're going to pay from now on. Where's a pen?
Steve: You can use mine.
Arthur: Thank you. What's this? Your company logo?
Steve: Mm hmm.
Arthur: Mm. That's quite a handsome pen.
Steve: You can keep it if you want.
Arthur: You mean that?
Steve: Sure.
Arthur: Nicely played, Mr. Git.

The guys are still on their way to Tennessee.

Spence: How are we doing on time?
Doug: You know what? Don't worry about it, Spence. We'll get you to your precious wedding.
Deacon: Yeah man, take it easy on him.
Doug: OK, thanks. But you know what? I think I've had enough of your advice back at that Blackjack table.
Deacon: What's that supposed to mean?
Doug: Oh, you got to split those eights.
Deacon: You always split eights! That's what the book says!
Doug: Oh, what book is that? The book of losing, by I.B. Stupid?
Danny: He's right, you always split eights!
Doug: Hey, you know what? You didn't help matters either, smiling at me like that, Jinxie!
Danny: Hey, don't, don't call me Jinxie!
Doug: You know what? You owe me $200.
Deacon: You owe me a new leather jacket.
Spence: Hey guys.
Doug: I don't owe you a new leather jacket, that's Jinxie's fault!
Danny: Don't say that!
Deacon: You know what? Just shut up.
Doug: Oh, you know what? I got a slightly better idea, why don't you shut up?
Deacon: You know what? You're buying me a jacket.
Doug: OK. Don't, don't be touching me.
Deacon: I'll touch you all I want. A little of that.
Doug: Don't do that man, don't do that man!
Spence: Oh my God! The announcement flew out!
Doug: So?
Spence: I don't remember the name of the church!

The guys have stopped to call Carrie.

Carrie: Hello?
Doug: Hey, it's me.
Carrie: Oh, hey honey. Where are you guys now?
Doug: I don't know. Buttcrack, Kentucky.
Clerk: Buttcreek.
Doug: Anyway, I lost the name of the church Denise is getting married in. Uh, do you have the paper there?
Carrie: Uh, yeah I think I do. Hey, uh, honey. Funny story. I was at the market today. I had a cart loaded with stuff, and they wouldn't take my credit card. Now, and here's the funny part. They said it was, uh, maxed out because of a charge at a Kachingo Casino?
Doug: Really?
Carrie: Did you lose $600?
Doug: Only because of Splitsy and Jinxie!
Carrie: All right. What is going on there?
Doug: Do you have the name of the church?
Carrie: Yes, I have it. It is Greater Mount Morris First Presbyterian.
Doug: Great. Thank you.
Carrie: No problem. And by the way, you do know that you're dead, right?
Doug: Oh sure. Got it.
Spence: That's great. Well, now we need gas. We don't have any money.
Doug: I have one more credit card, but I'm only supposed to use it in case of an emergency. It's got like a, thirty percent interest rate.
Spence: I think this is an emergency.
Doug: Hey, uh. We need a fill up on Pump Number Three.
Clerk: Whoa. We do not accept VISA. The Diner's Club or Sudoku, either one.
Doug: Well, is there any place around here that does accept it?
Clerk: Indian casino up the road.

Carrie is back at the market.

Carrie: Different card.
Cashier: Declined.
Carrie: I know the drill. Pardon me.

Arthur is discussing pudding with another supplier.

Arthur: Happy Valley Pudding. You got a nice product, Mr. Lucas.
Mr. Lucas: Thanks. I like it too. Maybe a bit too much.
Arthur: I'm just going to jot down a few notes here with my pen. Oh my, I seem to have inadvertently grabbed the pen provided to me by Royal Pudding, your fiercest competitor. This is awkward.
Mr. Lucas: How so?
Arthur: Well, just that it's quite a nice pen. It would take a strong man not to be seduced by it.
Mr. Lucas: It's leaking a little ink on your hand there.
Arthur: Stop being coy, Mr. Lucas. You're a man of this world. You want a shot at this account, start batting your eyes and show me your goodies.
Mr. Lucas: What?
Arthur: Burt Swag! Start wooing me!
Mr. Lucas: Uh, I have a rice pudding sample, but it's been in my car for a few weeks.
Arthur: That's it? Then why the hell are you wasting my valuable time?!
Mr. Lucas: You called me! At home on a Sunday!
Arthur: You know what? Get out. Leave the rice pudding.

The guys are on the road again.

Doug: All right. We've just entered Tennessee. Governor Phil Brennesen welcomes you. Hey, Brennesenie!
Spence: Oh God. The yellow light on the fuel gauge just went on.
Doug: That's all right. That's just to scare people.
Spence: You know what? We could have gotten gas if you guys hadn't gambled away all our money, again!
Doug: See, that's just pointing out a problem without offering a solution.
Spence: Hey, Deac. Um, you know, your dad lives right on the way. Couldn't we ask him for the gas money?
Deacon: Look, I really don't want to see him.
Doug: You know, Deac? Maybe, maybe he's changed. You know, maybe if you told him how you felt. How he hurt you. You guys could forge a whole new relationship.

Deacon is talking to his father.

Deacon: That's right, old man. All I ever wanted was my daddy to tell me that he loved me!
Deacon's Father: Well, I'll tell you something, boy! I don't know for a fact I even am your daddy! The way your mama catted around!
Deacon: Don't you talk about my mama! I'll kill you!
Doug: They're getting it all out. It's good.
Deacon's Dad: Yeah, you high tail it boy! And don't you ever come back!
Deacon: Let's go.
Doug: So how did you do moolah wise?
Spence: OK, two miles away. How are we doing on gas?
Doug: We're OK. I've been doing a lot of coasting.
Spence: Please God. If you care anything about me, let this car go two more miles.
Doug: OK. Big guy not a Spence fan.

The guys are running to the church on foot after Doug's car ran out of gas.

Spence: I'm coming baby. Your knight in shining, oh!
Doug: Come on!
Spence: I think I sprained my ankle. Go on without me.
Doug: Um, I don't want to marry Denise.
Spence: But I can't walk!

Doug carries Spence to the church.

Doug: All right, this is it. Go, go!
Spence: Actually, she's probably already married by now. Uh, say we head back.
Deacon: What?
Spence: Yeah, I changed my mind, but this was fun.
Deacon: You're doing this!
Spence: What if I'm wrong? What if she doesn't love me?
Danny: You're still doing it!
Doug: Spence, you listen to me. We went through hell to get you here. I mean, Danny, he may never eat solid food again, and I gambled away a mortgage payment, and now I got to go home and face a wife who's going to kick my ass, and this man, this man is broken. All right, to get you here, he had to learn that his daddy doesn't love him, and his mama slept around.
Deacon: Might have slept around.
Doug: Might have slept around! OK, and why did we do it? I'll tell you why. Cause we believe in you. OK? So the least you can do is believe in yourself too.
Spence: Let's stop a wedding.
Minister: In marriage, the most sacred of institutions, but first, if there is anyone here who has reason to believe these two should not be joined in sacred matrimony, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.
Ted: I do! I love you, Denise Ruth Battaglia!
Denise: I love you too, Ted! I'm so sorry, Scott. Oh, hi Spence. Glad you could come.
Doug: Huh!

Arthur has decided to go with a different type of treat for the senior center.