Doug: Hello. Political poll? I never have before, but go ahead. Shoot. I don't know. I don't know. I don't even know what that means. Who? Oh, right. I don't know.

Arthur starts dialing on the phone in the kitchen.

Doug: Uh, hello?
Arthur: One moment, Douglas. I'm making a phone call.
Doug: Yeah, I'm already on the phone, OK? I'm taking a poll.
Arthur: My apologies. Carry on.
Doug: Sorry about that guy. Go ahead. I don't know.
Arthur: How could you not know that?
Doug: Arthur! Would you just hang up, please?
Arthur: Why should I? The man's conducting a political poll, and he has a right to speak to someone who's not an ignoramus!
Doug: Oh yeah?! If you're so smart, why don't you tell him that you live in my basement?
Arthur: Why don't you tell him that you're enormous?
Doug: Well, why don't you tell him that your total salary last year was twelve dollars?
Arthur: That was after taxes!
Doug: Arthur, just stop talking, would you, please? Sorry about that guy, hello? Hello?

Doug comes home from work very excited. Carrie is working on her laptop in the kitchen.

Doug: Get ready to laugh.
Carrie: Not now, hon. I'm in the middle of something here, OK?
Doug: I'm on my route today, right?
Carrie: Doug? Mommy's busy.
Doug: But this is a really funny story.
Carrie: OK, just because I'm doing this project from home doesn't mean I'm just sitting around doing nothing, OK? My boss wants me to translate this humongous piece of real estate jargon crap into layman's terms so a jury can understand it, OK? I don't have time for your little story.
Doug: But you did have time for that story, which by the way, was a snoozefest.
Carrie: Please.
Doug: Fine.
Carrie: How many times have I asked you not to do that?
Doug: I'm sorry. Look, I'm clearly starved for attention.
Carrie: All right, fine! Tell me your damn story!
Doug: All right. I'm in my truck, right? I'm making my stops, nothing out of the ordinary, when I look down at the address label on my next delivery. Guess what the guy's name is?
Carrie: I don't know. What?
Doug: Bupka Penis.
Carrie: Give me a break. That's not the guy's real name.
Doug: Yes, it was! I asked him for proof. He showed me his driver's license.
Carrie: Doug, nobody's last name is Penis!
Doug: Nobody from this country, snob. He happens to be from Israel. Apparently, it's like Smith over there.
Carrie: OK, so is that it? Is that your story?
Doug: You know what? If you didn't laugh at a Ralph Penis, I'd understand. But Bupka?

The doorbell rings in the living room, and Arthur gets up.

Arthur: Morning, Holly!
Holly: Hey, Arthur. Are you ready for your walk?
Arthur: I've been ready since you dropped me off on Tuesday.
Holly: OK, well, I guess we should get going then.
Arthur: What's wrong?
Holly: Nothing, nothing. It's no big deal. Now let's go enjoy this beautiful day!
Arthur: I can't shake the feeling that something is bothering you.
Holly: I'm getting kicked out of my apartment.
Arthur: Why?
Holly: The guy I was subletting it from? He was living with someone. Well, now he's starting to think that maybe he's not gay. Ugh, it's a whole story.
Arthur: Where will you go?
Holly: I don't know. Maybe my stepbrother's tool shed. He's going to let me know.
Arthur: Nonsense! You'll stay here with me in the basement. Till you find a new place.
Holly: No. No, I couldn't.
Arthur: There'll be no hanky panky. To be honest, the whole dog walker thing is a pretty big turn off.

It's the next day, and Carrie is working on her project in the upstairs office.

Doug: Hey, you coming down for breakfast?
Carrie: No, I have too much to do.
Doug: You got to have breakfast.
Carrie: Honey, I'm fine. Just go ahead. What's happening here, baby?
Doug: Well, Holly is going to be down there, and I'll have to talk to her.
Carrie: So? You talk to her all the time.
Doug: No, I say hello and goodbye, but now I'll be just sitting there eating and it'll be like 'Hey. What's the deal with milk?'
Carrie: So then don't talk to her.
Doug: No, that's more awkward.
Carrie: Doug, then skip breakfast, OK?
Doug: Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Doug goes down to the kitchen and tries to be very silent about getting his breakfast, but ends up tripping over the garbage can, which causes a horrendous ruckus. He tries to pour his cereal and milk before Holly comes upstairs, but fails...

Holly: Arthur, I'm going to go up and grab some breakfast!
Arthur: OK.
Holly: Morning, Doug!
Doug: Hey.
Holly: Hey, I just wanted to say thanks again for taking me in. I, I really appreciate that.
Doug: No problem. Want some cereal?
Holly: Sure!
Doug: OK. Cereal. That's what it's all about.
Holly: Mm-hmm!
Doug: Hey Arthur! Come on up for breakfast, buddy! You know I can't start my day without my two scoops of Artie!
Arthur: I don't know what that means, but it sounds terrifying!
Doug: Funny thing happened to me the other day at work.
Holly: Really? What?
Doug: I delivered a package to this guy named Bupka Penis.

Holly starts choking.

Doug: Hands up, hands up, hands up! There you go.
Holly: Oh man. I am sorry. That was just, that was so funny.
Doug: Well, don't apologize, it was funny.
Holly: Funny things must happen to you all the time on your job.
Doug: They do, they do. Have some more cereal.
Holly: Oh, thank you!

The next morning, Carrie is working on her project in the office.

Doug: Hey, you uh, coming down for breakfast?
Carrie: Nah.
Doug: OK.

Doug goes into the kitchen.

Doug: Hi.
Holly: Hey.
Doug: What are you doing?
Holly: Oh, I got up early, so I thought I'd make some breakfast. Just a, a little thank you for having me. Would you like some pancakes, eggs, and hand cut bacon?
Doug: Yes, yes, and hell yes.
Holly: It'll be ready in just one second.
Doug: Oh, I'm sorry. That's kind of gross.
Holly: I'll give you five bucks if you can finish it. Get out! Wow! You the man! I don't know if I have five bucks on me. Ooh, I do have this Arby's coupon.
Doug: That's as good as cash in this house.
Holly: Great. Have a seat. I've got a lot of food coming up. I hope you're hungry. OK.
Doug: All right.
Holly: Here you go. Oh hey, do you want me to wheel the TV in so that you can watch while you eat?

Later that night, Carrie is still in the office.

Doug: Hey, you coming down for dinner?

Doug is in the kitchen. Holly has made a big dinner.

Holly: There you go.

Doug goes upstairs after dinner.

Carrie: I'm so freaking uptight. I can't get anything done. Let's have sex.

Afterwards...

Carrie: Thanks, baby.

Doug goes back to the kitchen. Holly has baked a cake.

Holly: Hope you like chocolate.

The next morning, Doug wakes up with a smile on his face. He goes into the office.

Doug: Hey, just wanted to let you know you're doing a great job up here.
Carrie: Thanks, honey.

Doug goes into the kitchen. Holly is unpacking groceries.

Doug: Just want you to know, you down here, it's working out great.
Holly: Well, thanks Doug. Do you want your morning coffee on the sofa today?
Doug: Why not?

Doug is hanging out in the living room with the guys.

Doug: I'm telling you it's great. If I want someone to laugh at my stories, cook for me, be nice to me, I got Holly on this floor. If I want someone to have sex with, yell at the phone company, tell me when to take a shower, I got Carrie up there. Upstairs wife, downstairs wife, happy.
Danny: You're full of it.
Doug: You don't believe it? Check this out. This came wet today.
Danny: So?
Doug: Carr! Paper boy threw the paper in the sprinklers!
Carrie: What?! I'm going to kill that little bastard!
Doug: Thank you, upstairs wife. As far as this mess is concerned. Hey, Hol?
Holly: Yeah, Doug?
Doug: Yeah, this paper came wet today, and I kind of wanted to read the sports section?
Holly: Oh, let me blow dry that for you.
Doug: Thank you, downstairs wife.
Danny: My nipples are hard.
Spence: This is disgusting. This is an insult to Carrie. She's the woman you vowed to spend the rest of your life with!
Doug: Look, if I had to choose one of them, I'd probably choose her!
Spence: You do have to choose!
Doug: Mm. Not at the moment.
Deacon: Why are you so lucky? I mean, I bust my hump all day. I got two kids. Do I get an extra wife? No. That goes to the white man.
Doug: This is not just good for me, all right? This Sunday, the fight? On pay per view? We can all watch it here, cause Carrie's going to be upstairs in her office, so we can smoke all the stogies we want, plus, Holly knows a guy who can get us Cubans.
Spence: Oh, OK. Those are illegal. I've had it. You guys don't respect marriage, or trade embargos.
Doug: So, any requests for fight night? Cause Holly can make anything. I say we go with like a taco bar.

Carrie comes downstairs into the living room.

Doug: Holly will probably be circling around here with hor deourves, so no one's going to go hu- Hey, can I help you?
Carrie: I finished my report.
Doug: What?
Carrie: Yeah. I worked so hard this weekend and then I finished early. So for the rest of the weekend, it's just you and me on the couch, buddy.
Doug: You mean this couch down here?
Carrie: Just do me a favor, and look this over, and make sure it's not too complicated, OK? OK, not sure if I like work boots on the coffee table, OK?
Deacon: Oh, sorry.
Danny: Sorry.
Carrie: Thank you.
Doug: Uh, hon? Is this supposed to be understandable to regular people?
Carrie: Yeah, why?
Doug: Well, like, this part here. The juror should only consider evidence Germain to the issues at hand. What?
Carrie: What?!
Doug: I'm totally lost here. What, are you suing Germain Jackson? Is he suing you? What's going on?
Carrie: Oh come on. You got to be kidding me.
Doug: I'm serious. Look at this thing. It's full of big words. Look at this, litigation, facade, Constantine.
Carrie: That's the defendant's last name! You're being an imbecile!
Doug: OK, well if you don't have any imbeciles on your jury, I think you're going to be fine.
Carrie: Oh, the jury's going to be full of imbeciles. The smart people get out of jury duty. Now I have to do this whole report over again!
Doug: Oh, gosh. I'll walk you upstairs, baby. Here we go. There you are. Hey, and if you get a little stressed out, you need a little bao-wao-chicka-wao-wao, just give me a holler.

Deacon is talking to Holly.

Deacon: So anyway, I'm sure you're comfortable here and all, but you know, if you ever need a change of scenery, we got plenty of room at our apartment.
Holly: That's really sweet of you. Actually, I wasn't sure-
Doug: Uh, Hol? Could you go into the kitchen and see how we're doing mini donut wise?
Holly: Oh, I think we have two boxes left.
Doug: Thinking isn't knowing.
Holly: You're right. You're right.
Doug: What the hell are you doing?
Deacon: Nothing.
Doug: You're trying to steal my downstairs wife, you don't even have a downstairs!!
Deacon: So? She'll be futon wife. Look, I'm just looking for someone to iron my shirts without bitching about it.
Doug: Yeah, I'll see you Sunday. Come on. And you too, let's go.
Danny: What did I do?
Doug: I look at you and I see trouble.

Arthur is talking to Holly in the kitchen.

Arthur: And if you look over here, you'll see this one's perfect for you. It's a lovely one bedroom with a kitchenette.
Doug: Hey!
Holly: That's really nice.
Doug: What's going on here?
Holly: Oh, Arthur found me some apartments! Oh, and we do have two boxes of mini donuts left.
Doug: Oh, great. Great. Hol, could you go into the garage and check out the Diet Dr. Pepper situation?
Holly: I think we've got about four ca-, uh, thinking isn't knowing. I'm going to go check.
Doug: Hey guy. You were the one that wanted Holly to stay here, why are you rushing her out?
Arthur: This roommate thing's not for me. Spitting out our toothpaste at the same time was only cute once.
Doug: Are you kidding me? That sounds adorable. Hell, it's cute enough just watching you do it.
Arthur: Sorry, she's history.
Doug: OK, you listen up. And you listen good, old man. I got a good thing going with Holly down here and Carrie upstairs, OK? So you can just forget about all this apartment stuff.
Arthur: But I want Holly out.
Doug: Yeah, well I want Holly to stay.
Arthur: I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree.
Doug: Yeah, well why don't we agree that I'm very big and you're very brittle?
Arthur: I could get on board with that.
Doug: Yeah, so here's how it's going to go down. Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's a little early for a break, huh little lady?
Carrie: Oh, I'm just going to make some coffee.
Doug: Oh, I'll make you coffee, that's what I'm here for! You go get back up in that zone. Get in the zone, girl! You get up there! Whatcha!

Doug brings a tray into the office.

Doug: OK, I got decaf, regular, a few slices of turkey, some tampons, and the Seabiscuit DVD, with extras. You're all set.
Carrie: Um, thanks?
Doug: Hey, thank you for being you. All right, I got to scoot.
Carrie: What are you, what are you doing?
Doug: I'm just seeing if the door can lock from the outside.
Carrie: Why would the door lock from the outside?
Doug: I don't know! It's crazy! Be productive. Oh, how did those Mormons do it?

Doug is having his Fight Night party.

Danny: Boy. Your downstairs wife really knows her way around a chimichanga.
Holly: Tequila shots, boys. Mmm, I just love the smell of cigars. Something about it just makes me want to bake!
Jimmy: Doug, great party.
Doug: Oh, thanks man.
Jimmy: I want to introduce you to my sister, Melinda.
Melinda: Hi. Thanks for having me.
Doug: It's the least I could do with you having to go through life with this guy as your brother, huh?
Jimmy: Hey, watch it. You want to stay on Melinda's good side. She does PR for Nassau Coliseum.
Melinda: Yeah. If you ever want tickets to anything, just give me a call.
Doug: Coliseum wife? Do I dare?

Doug is at a hockey game at the Nassau Coliseum.

Melinda: Hey, you like the seats?
Doug: Oh, they're great! Any chance I could do that Zamboni thing?
Melinda: Stop by the locker room later and I'll introduce you to some of the players.
Doug: OK. Coliseum wife, you're my favorite.

Holly has cooked dinner again. The phone rings.

Holly: Hello? Oh hey Doug! No, no, no, I understand. Well, I mean, if she's going to introduce you to some of the players, you got to stay. No, don't worry, don't worry about me. OK. Bye.

Holly gets angry and starts putting the food away roughly.

Carrie: Hey.
Holly: Hey.
Carrie: Everything OK?
Holly: Oh, no, no, no it's fine. I spent all day making Doug's favorite dishes, and now they're just going to sit here and get cold, but does he care? No, no, because he's with some girl at his precious hockey game!!
Carrie: Shouldn't I be the one who's upset about this?
Holly: Actually, yeah.
Carrie: Well, what's, what's going on here?
Arthur: Open your eyes, you fools. The man has three wives!!

Doug comes back from the hockey game.

Doug: Hey, Hol! Something smells great! Carr, your lover man's coming upstairs, so prepare yourself for- oh...
Carrie: Hey.
Holly: Hey.
Doug: Hey. Look, I know emotions are running high right now, but let me just say this. Coliseum wife, she's gone. Cause this here, this is what works, huh? OK, I'm going to go check into a hotel.

Doug is on the phone.