Joey: Hey, hey, hey, hey!! None of that. Not while you're living under my roof.
Monica: What?
Joey: Look. Just because I know about you two doesn't mean I like looking at it.
Chandler: Aren't you supposed to be at an audition for another hour?
Joey: Well, I'm sorry if I'm not a middle-aged black woman. And I'm also sorry if sometimes I go to the wrong audition. OK? Look, if I have to pretend I don't know about you two, then you two are going to have to pretend there's nothing to know about!
Chandler & Monica: OK.
Monica: Sorry.
Chandler: Sorry.

Joey goes into his room, and Monica and Chandler start making out again.

Joey: I can hear that!
Monica: Rachel's at work.

Monica and Chandler leave.

Joey: I can still hear you!

OPENING CREDITS

Phoebe comes into Central Perk with a big box.

Phoebe: Hey.
All: Hey.
Monica: What's that?
Phoebe: Yeah. My mom sent me a family heirloom that once belonged to my grandmother! Can you believe it? A year ago I didn't even have a family and now I have heirlooms, for crying out loud. Yay! Oh God!!
Joey: AAAH! Ooh, soft. Is this mink?
Phoebe: Yeah! Why would my mother send me a fur?! Doesn't she know me but at all?! Plus, I, I have a perfectly fine coat that no innocent animal suffered to make.
Chandler: Yeah, just some nine-year-old Filipino kids who worked their fingers bloody for twelve cents an hour. That didn't happen, I made that up.
Ross: Hey.
Gunther: Ross? You can't put up fliers in here.
Ross: How come? Everybody else does.
Gunther: You can't.
Monica: What is that?
Ross: Oh, um. I'm just getting rid of a couple of things.
Monica: This is all of your things.
Ross: Yes, yes it is. But no, but it's good. See, Emily thinks we should get all new stuff. Stuff that's just ours. Together. You know, brand new.
Monica: So, basically, this is a getting rid of anything Rachel ever touched sale.
Ross: Touched, used, sat on, slept on.
Gunther: I'll take it all.
Joey: Hey, Ross. You're OK with that?
Ross: Look, if I can just do what Emily wants, and get her to New York, I'm sure everything will be fine.
Chandler: OK, but don't you think it's a little extreme?
Ross: After what I did? Can you blame her?
Phoebe: Oh my God! You got off easy. When my friend Sylvie's husband said someone else's name in bed, she cursed him andturned his thingy green.
Joey: What is he doing?! What? Emily thinks Ross's furniture's got Rachel cooties?
Monica: Calm down, Joey.
Joey: NO! Everything is getting all messed up, you know?! Emily won't let Ross see Rachel, we're not going to stop seeing Rachel! Hence, Ross stops seeing us!
Phoebe: Oh, I hate this. Everything is changing.
Chandler: Yeah, I know. We're losing Ross, Joey said hence.
Monica: Look, I'm not happy about this either, but you know, if Ross says he's happy, then we're just going to have to keep our feelings about Emily to ourselves. Are you cool with that?
Joey: No. But, you know, I'm an actor. I'll act cool.

Rachel and Monica are looking for something in the storage room.

Rachel: Oh! Oh God! Storage rooms give me the creeps. Monica, come on, please, hurry up, honey, please.
Monica: Rachel, if you want the little round waffles, you've got to wait till I find the little round waffle iron.
Rachel: I want the little round waffles.
Monica: All right. Here it is. Right underneath a can of, of Bug Bomb. I wonder if the best place to put something that cooks food is underneath a can of poison.
Rachel: OK. You know what? I'll have toast.
Monica & Rachel: AAAAH! AAAH! AAAH!
Monica: Fog him! Fog him!

Phoebe is still upset about the fur coat.

Phoebe: I don't know what I'm going to do about this coat.
Joey: I'll take it.
Phoebe: That might work.
Joey: Ooh. Yeah. Huh? All right. What do you think?
Chandler: You're on in five, Ms. Minelli.
Ross: No, no, no. It's just a bit sudden. No, no, it's great. OK? I am totally on board. I love you too. All right, bye.
Joey: What's the matter, Ross?
Ross: Nothing. Actually, great news! I just got off the phone with Emily and looks like I'm moving to a new apartment. Whoo-hoo!
Phoebe: Why?
Ross: Well, her thought is, and I agree, fresh new furniture, why not, a fresh new apartment? Her cousin has this great place to sublet. It's got a great view of the river on one side, and Colombia on the other.
Joey: That's way uptown! That's like, three trains away! Which is great! I love to ride that rail.
Chandler: So, you're really OK with this?
Ross: Yes. Yes, I mean, it's kind of far from work, but uh, you know I'll get so much done on the commute. I've been given the gift of time!
Joey: Now he's moving? Man! What is Emily doing to him?! OW! He's not even here!!
Monica: You guys! You guys! We were just in the storage area and we saw this really creepy man!
Rachel: He was like this crazy-eyed, hairy beast man! He was like a, like a Bigfoot or a Yeti or something!
Monica: And he, he came at us with an ax! So Rachel had to use a Bug Bomb on him!
Rachel: Yeah! I pulled the tab and I just fogged his Yeti ass!
Joey: Uh, like dark hair, bushy beard?
Rachel: Yeah.
Joey: Yeah, you fogged Danny.
Rachel: Ugh. Please. We did not fog Danny. Who's Danny?
Joey: Danny just moved in downstairs. Yeah, he just got back from this like four month trek in the Andes. Nice fellow.
Monica: Oh, he's nice. He's nice! You know, you always stick up for the people we fog.

Monica and Rachel go to apologize to Danny.

Danny: Yeah.
Rachel: Hi. You might not remember us, but we are the girls that fogged you.
Monica: We're really sorry we fogged you.
Rachel: Yeah.
Danny: OK.
Rachel: Hm. Just so you know, we didn't mean to fog you. We actually thought you were like a Yeti or something.
Danny: OK. Yes?
Rachel: Hi. Sorry to bother you, but I don't think that we can accept your acceptance of our apology. It just doesn't really seem like you mean it.
Monica: Yeah.
Danny: OK.
Monica: Wow. That guy is so rude!
Rachel: Really. What is with that guy? I mean, you'd forgive me if I fogged you.
Monica: Well, you did a little bit.
Rachel: Oh my God. Honey, I'm so sorry.
Monica: I totally forgive you!
Rachel: Really?
Monica: Yeah!

Phoebe thinks she has figured out what to do with the fur coat.

Phoebe: Hey.
Monica: Hey.
Phoebe: So listen. You know my friend Chris who owns the crematorium?
Monica: Crematorium Chris? Sure.
Phoebe: He said that he would cremate my fur coat for free, if I, um, you know, bring in the next person I know who dies.
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God, look at these pelts.
Monica: Don't get too attached. She's having it cremated.
Rachel: Wha? Phoebe, honey. Honey, I know you're quirky and I get a big kick out of it, we all do, actually. But if you destroy a coat like this, I mean, that is like a crime against nature. Not nature, fashion!
Phoebe: This is fashion? OK, so to you, death is fashion? That's really funny. Yeah, here's Phoebe, uh, sporting, you know, cutting edge hairy carcass, from you know, the steel traps of wintry Russia. I mean, you really think this looks good?! Cause I do!

Ross is packing up the last of his stuff.

Ross: I'm really going to miss this apartment. You know, Ben took his first steps right over there.
Joey: Hey, remember when I ran into this thing and it kind of knocked me out a little?
Ross: I love this place. Tell you the truth, I wish I didn't have to move.
Joey: Uh, are you saying that you're not entirely happy about this?
Ross: Well, I mean, if uh, if Emily gave me a choice.
Joey: You do have a choice! Ross, why are you listening to her? Are you crazy?
Ross: What?
Joey: It's not right what Emily wants you to do! She is totally OW!! Stop pinching me! Look, you guys said I only had to keep my mouth shut as long as Ross was happy, right? Well, he just told me that he's not entirely happy.
Ross: What's going on?
Joey: We all hate Emily!
Monica: Ross, we do not hate Emily. We just, we just think that you're having to sacrifice a whole lot to make her happy.
Joey: Yeah!
Chandler: We just think that she's being a little unreasonable.
Joey: Yes, yes! Unreasonable!
Ross: Unreasonable? How about we have this conversation when one of you guys gets married? You have no idea what it takes to make a marriage work. All right? It's about compromise. Do you always like it? No. Do you do it? Yes. Because it's not all laughing, happy, candy in the sky, drinking coffee at Central Perk all the time. It's real life. OK? It's what grown-ups do!
Phoebe: I think he's right. You guys hang out at the coffee house way too much.

Phoebe, Monica, Joey, and Chandler are at Central Perk.

Monica: God. I feel so guilty about Ross.
Phoebe: Ugh, I know.
Joey: I kind of feel like it's my fault.
Chandler: Kind of? If you had just kept this to yourself, none of this would have happened.
Joey: Well, I'm keeping so many things to myself these days, something was bound to slip out!
Chandler: Well, I think it's very brave what you said.
Phoebe: All right. I can't sit here anymore. I have to walk places.
Chandler: Phoebes! What are you doing with the coat? How about the whole animal rights thing?
Phoebe: I've been reading up, and for your information, minks are not very nice. OK, I admit it, I love this coat. OK? It's the best thing I've ever had wrapped around me, including Phil Hudley! Remember Phil Hudley? He was fine.

Rachel runs into Danny in the apartment building.

Rachel: Hi.
Danny: So you like the short hair better.
Rachel: What? Yeti? Danny?
Danny: Had to cut my hair to get rid of the um, fogger smell.
Rachel: Listen, oh I am so sorry. I would have never fogged you, you know, if you hadn't looked so, you know...
Danny: Absolutely. Some people are just into appearances.
Rachel: What?
Danny: That's cool. It's cool.
Rachel: Hey! Whoa, whoa. No, no, no! That is not cool. You don't even know me!
Danny: Come on! You got the shopping bags, and the Saks catalog.
Rachel: Oh, so from that, you think you've got me all figured out? Well, you don't! You know, I could have toys for underprivileged kids in here!
Danny: Do you?
Rachel: Well, you know, if kids like to play with pretty pants.
Danny: OK.
Rachel: And stop saying that, I hate that!
Danny: OK.
Rachel: Fine. I judged you. I made a snap judgment. But you did it too. And you are worse. Because you are sticking to your stupid snap judgment! You can't even open up your mind for a second to see that you might be wrong! What does that say about you?!
Danny: Is that pizza place across the street any good?
Rachel: What?
Danny: I'm hungry. Want to get some pizza? You can keep yelling if there's more.
Rachel: OK. OK.
Danny: Stop saying that. I hate that.

Everyone but Rachel goes to visit Ross.

Chandler: Um, Ross?
Phoebe: Are you still mad at us?
Ross: Yup.
Phoebe: Oh good. Cause we have an I'm sorry song.
Ross: You know what? I'm really not in the mood.
Joey: Look, Ross. I feel really bad. I mean, you're going through all this stuff, and I just acted like a jerk.
Chandler: Yeah, we are so sorry.
Phoebe: OK, you're kind of stepping on the song.
Joey: Look, we were way out of line. All right? We totally support you.
Monica: Yeah, whatever you decide. Whatever you do.
Phoebe: OK. Now you're just taking lines right out of the song.
Ross: Hey, this is hard enough. OK? I really need you guys right now.
Phoebe: Yes! Exactly! And that's why...
Monica: Look. Why don't you come over tonight? I'll make you your favorite dinner.
Ross: OK. Thanks you guys. Phoebes, are you wearing fur?
Phoebe: OK, let's get some perspective, people. It's not like I'm wearing a seeing eye dog coat!

Everyone's having dinner at Monica and Rachel's.

Joey: Hey you know, Ross. I think I kind of understand why I kind of lost it today.
Ross: You do, huh?
Joey: Yeah, you see, um. Well, I'm an actor. Right? So I got to keep my emotions right at the surface, you know? You know what I'm saying? I got a lot of balls in the air. You know what I mean? It's tough. Guys like me, you know, you wander around, you're alone...
Ross: What are you talking about?
Joey: I'm not sure.
Rachel: Hi.
Monica: Hey. Look at you. Where have you been?
Rachel: Oh, I went to have pizza. With Danny.
Monica: How did that happen?
Rachel: That Yeti is one smooth talker.
Monica: Hope you're not too full, cause dinner's almost ready.
Rachel: Yeah, you know, I think I'm probably just going to hang out in my room.
All: No. Why?
Rachel: Come on you guys. Listen. If Emily knew I was here having dinner with you, she would flip out, and you know it. It's OK. I really, I don't mind.
Ross: Wait, wait, wait. You know what? Just stay. Please. It would really mean a lot to me if you stayed.
Rachel: Ross, I just...
Joey: Rachel, please!!! Just have dinner with us!!!
Rachel: OK, OK, Joey. It's OK. Settle down.
Joey: All right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You see, Rach? I'm an actor.

Everyone is hanging out in Monica and Rachel's apartment.

Ross: Hey, hey look! Ugly Naked Guy's back!
Rachel: Oh my God! We haven't seen him in so long!
Phoebe: Oh God! I really missed that fat bastard.
Monica: Wow, this is so weird. I just realized this may be the last time we're all hanging out together.
Joey: It's almost as if he knew.
Monica: I'll get it. Hello? Hi, Emily! Yeah, uh, you tracked him down! Hold on one second.
Ross: Hey. Uh, yeah, yeah, we're just having dinner. Uh, yeah, sure, hold on. She wants to say hi. Hold on.
All: Hi, Emily.
Emily: Hello everyone. So, who am I saying hello to?
Joey: Well, uh, I don't know about who's here, but I can tell you for damn sure who's not here, and that's Rachel!
Emily: Well, I should hope not. Ross knows better than that by now.
Ross: You know what? Uh, Rachel is here.
Emily: She's there?!
Chandler: Oh, yeah, there she is!
Ross: Yeah, yeah. She's here.
Emily: Ross, take me off speaker phone.
Ross: Hi.
Emily: How could you do this to me? I thought I'd made my feelings about Rachel perfectly clear!
Ross: Well, Emily. I'm just having dinner with my friends, OK?
Emily: You obviously can't keep away from her.
Ross: Emily, that's ridiculous. Look, I'm moving for you, I'm cutting friends out of my life for you, please just get on the plane and come to New York. OK? You'll see. You're the only person I want to be with.
Emily: I'll feel better when I'm there. And I can know where you are all the time.
Ross: Well, you can't know where I am all the time. Look, this marriage is never going to work if you don't trust me.
Emily: You're right.
Ross: So, can you trust me?
Emily: No.
Joey: I think it's going OK. Looks like he's smiling.
Monica: How can you tell? You can only see the back of his head.
Joey: You can totally tell! Hey, here look, watch me. Smile. Frown. Smile. Frown. Smile.
Ross: Well, I guess that's it.
Monica: What?
Joey: What? What happened?
Ross: My marriage is over.
Monica: Sweetie. Oh, look at you. You're shivering.
Phoebe: Here.
Rachel: Ross. Honey, is there anything we can do?
Ross: Yeah. You can help me get my furniture back from Gunther.

Phoebe is at the newsstand and she sees a squirrel.