Joey: Hee, hee, hee, hee!
Chandler: Are you looking at naked tribeswomen?
Joey: No! Look.
Chandler: That's a pig.
Joey: I know, I know. But look at the knobs on it!
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Ross: Emily's cousin kicked me out.
Chandler: What?
Joey: Why?
Ross: Well, when you're subletting an apartment from your wife's cousin, and then you get a divorce, sometimes the cousin suddenly wants his apartment back.
Chandler: How can he do that? Didn't you sign a lease?
Ross: Who needs a lease when it's family?
Joey: Hey! You could stay with us! We'll take care of you!
Chandler: Absolutely! Anything you need, man. But you have to promise me you will let us know the second you are feeling better so that we can make fun of your hair!
Joey: Yeah!
Ross: You got it. Thanks you guys. I really appreciate this. All right, well I'm going to get packing again. Man, I've been moving around so much lately I'm beginning to feel like a nomad. What?
Chandler: He thought you said gonad.

OPENING CREDITS

Larry the health inspector is checking out Monica's restaurant.

Larry: Wow, Monica, if every restaurant were as clean as yours, I'd have a tough time making a living.
Phoebe: So, um, do health inspectors work on commission?
Larry: No, bribes.
Phoebe: It's OK to laugh, right?
Larry: Yeah, I was just kidding.
Phoebe: OK.
Larry: I'll check the kitchen floor.
Monica: OK, knock yourself out, Larry.
Phoebe: Yummy.
Monica: What? Larry?
Phoebe: Oh yeah, I'd let him check out my kitchen floor.
Larry: A 98. I deducted two points because you're not wearing your chef's hat and that is a Section 5 violation.
Monica: Look, Larry. Honey, um, I wrote the book on Section 5 and I know that you don't have to wear your hat unless you're in the kitchen.
Larry: And where is your hat?
Monica: It's in the kitchen. I'll go get it.
Larry: Ah-ha! There's the two points!
Phoebe: Hey. You should really read that book you wrote. Wow. You saw the hat in the kitchen and you knew she'd have to go in there hatless to get it. You could have your own, you know, health inspector detective show.
Larry: Oh, I don't know about that.
Phoebe: Yeah, but then I could be your sidekick, Voonda.
Larry: Maybe Voonda could give me her number and I could ask her to dinner sometime.
Phoebe: OK, she would love that. You know. Since you know all the clean places to eat.
Larry: I'll call you.
Phoebe: OK. He's so funny! Whoa! Oh!

Monica and Rachel are at Central Perk.

Rachel: Thank you. Mon? How's Ross doing? You know, since all the Emily stuff.
Monica: He's not great, but um, he's dealing with it.
Rachel: Mmm.
Monica: Oh, wait a minute. You're not going to try...
Rachel: Oh, honey. Please. No. I can't get started with all that Ross stuff again. I mean, he's going to be screwed up for a long time. Besides, you know, I don't go for guys right after they get divorced.
Monica: Right. You only go for them five minutes before they get married.
Danny: A pound of mocha and java, please.
Monica: Danny. Are you guys ever going to go out again?
Rachel: I don't know. He hasn't called me since that one time we went out. I see him in the hallway, we flirt. I'm all, ha-ha-ha-ha, and nothing.
Danny: Hey.
Rachel: Hi, Danny. Wow! Thirsty, huh?
Danny: Actually, I'm having a party at my place on Saturday. It's sort of a housewarming kind of thing.
Monica: Oh, fun!
Rachel: Great!
Danny: Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it.
Rachel: Yeah.
Danny: OK, see you.
Rachel: Ha, ha. OK. All right. I see what he's doing. He's not asking me out because he wants me to ask him out.
Monica: And you're not going to do that.
Rachel: That's right! Because that would give him the control. So now he's all ooh, coming up with this whole I've got a party thing, you know, trying to get me to hint around for an invitation? Blew up in his face, didn't it?
Monica: So, so there is no party?
Rachel: Oh no. There's a party. There's a party. But the power? That is still up for grabs.
Monica: So he's not inviting you to his party because he likes you.
Rachel: Exactly.

Chandler and Joey come home to an apartment full of boxes.

Joey: Ross?
Ross: Hey, roomies!
Chandler: Love what you've done with the place.
Ross: Oh, yeah, I know. I know. It's a lot of boxes, but again, I really appreciate you guys letting me stay here.
Joey: Not a problem. And listen, hey, since you're going to be here for a while, why don't, I was thinking, we uh, put your name on the answering machine.
Chandler: Oh, yeah.
Ross: Oh, I uh, hope you don't mind, but I kind of already jazzed it up a little. Check it out.
Answering Machine: We will, we will, call you back.
Ross: Pretty cool, huh?
Joey & Chandler: Yeah!
Joey: You're fake laughing too, right?
Chandler: Oh, the tears are real.
Joey: Oh yeah.

Phoebe and Larry are on their date.

Larry: You look beautiful this evening.
Phoebe: Show me the badge again. Shiny!
Larry: Oh, do you mind if I wash up? Cause I came straight from work and who knows where these babies have been.
Phoebe: You are just non stop!
Larry: We're out of here!
Phoebe: Why?
Larry: Just walking past the kitchen, I saw ten violations! I am shutting this place down!
Phoebe: You have the power to do that?
Larry: This does.
Phoebe: Shut it down.

Chandler comes home and Joey pops up from behind a bunch of boxes.

Joey: Hey!
Chandler: What are you doing?
Joey: Nothing.
Chandler: You built a fort, didn't you?
Joey: Kind of.
Chandler: Oh my God. The air purifier. Ross's air purifier. All I heard for four years through college was mmmm...
Joey: Dude, you should have gone out once in a while.
Chandler: I hate this thing!
Joey: Come on Chandler. Ross is our friend. OK? He needs us right now. So why don't you be a grown up and come and watch some TV in the fort?

Danny pays a visit to Monica and Rachel's apartment.

Rachel: Oh! Hi, Danny.
Danny: Hey guys. Just wanted to invite you to the party tomorrow night.
Rachel: Yeah, actually, I think I'm going to be busy.
Monica: You are?
Rachel: Yeah. Remember? I've got that uh, gala.
Danny: What's the gala for?
Rachel: Uh, it's a, um, it's a Regatta gala.
Danny: Really? Did you sail?
Rachel: No, no, but I support it.
Danny: OK. Hope I see you tomorrow night.
Monica: OK.
Danny: OK.
Rachel: OK. Walked right into that one, didn't he?
Monica: What one? You wanted him to invite you to the party, and he did.
Rachel: Yeah, but he waited until the last minute. So that if I had said yes, he would know that I had nothing better to do than wait around for an invitation to his stupid party. But I said no. Which puts me right back in the driver's seat.
Monica: OK. So the ball is in his court?
Rachel: No. There's no ball.

Joey is bored and Ross is working on something important.

Ross: Joey, please.
Joey: Sorry. AAAAAAH!
Chandler: Hello, children.
Joey: Hey! Want to play some foosball? Please?
Chandler: OK.
Joey: No, no. We had to move the table into my room, yeah, because of all the boxes. Come on! All right. I have one question. What is the deal with this?
Chandler: Bye, bye, little puppet Joey hand?
Joey: No, no! The quiet down thing?!
Chandler: Oh! You mean this.
Joey: MM-HMM! Did you know he taped over my Baywatch tape with some show about bugs?! My God! What if that had been porn?!
Chandler: All right, look. You know, this may be tough, but come on, it's Ross. I survived college with him.
Joey: All right. I guess I can hold out a little longer. Let's have a game.
Chandler: OK.
Joey: Yes! A-ha-ha-ha!
Ross: Uh, fellows?
Chandler: OK, so he's out of here.
Joey: Mm-hmm.

Joey goes over to Monica and Rachel's.

Joey: Hey, you guys got anything to eat? I just went down to Giano's for some chicken, and it was closed.
Phoebe: Oh, I took Larry there to eat, but it was all violated, so we shut it down.
Joey: Phoebes, if this guy keeps closing down all our favorite places, where are we going to eat?!
Monica: I don't know. Clean places?
Joey: Mm. Yum!
Monica: It's Danny.
Rachel: Don't let him in. I'm supposed to be at a Regatta gala!
Monica: We'll be right there. Can't you just say it starts later?
Rachel: Wha? What kind of a Regatta gala starts at night?
Monica: The fake kind!
Danny: Hi, um. I need a ladle. Do you have a ladle?
Monica: I have a ladle.
Danny: Thanks, see you at the party.
Monica: OK, great.
Phoebe: Hey you guys. You know what Larry would say? He'd say, 'See you ladle!'

Chandler and Joey are trying to hint to Ross that he should start looking for an apartment.

Chandler: Well, I'm done with this. You want anything Ross? Uh, sports, international, apartment listings?
Ross: Uh, I'll take sports.
Joey: Mine!
Ross: All right. Uh, international.
Joey: No. That's mine too. I'm Italian!
Ross: Well, I guess I could check out those apartment listings even though there's never anything in here.
Chandler: Not even on page seven?
Ross: Yeah! You're, hey, you're right! Oh, here's an affordable place. Two bedroom, close to work, ooh! It's available in five weeks!
Chandler: What about that circled one?
Ross: Ooh, I don't know, it's kind of expensive for a studio.
Joey: But it's available now! Isn't it?
Chandler: Yes, it is!
Joey: Hey, let's go look at it!
Ross: OK. Ooh, ooh, hey guys, I was wondering if you would maybe chip in for some new air filters for the purifier? I mean after all, we are all using it.
Chandler: Let's go quicker!
Joey: Yeah!

Chandler, Joey, and Ross arrive at the studio apartment.

Ross: Oh my God.
Chandler: Hey, look at this kitchen! Slash bathroom. That's great. You know, so you can cook while in the tub.
Joey: Somebody was using his head. Hey, let's check out the rest of the place.
Ross: I think this is it. I don't know. Maybe we should keep looking.
Joey: Yeah, but hey Ross. This place is available now.
Chandler: You don't want to be stuck with us for the next five weeks.
Ross: So, you think I should go ahead and take this place?
Joey: It's perfect!
Ross: How about you?
Chandler: Kitchen slash bathroom.
Ross: I see what you guys are saying. I'll go downstairs, fill out an application.
Chandler: We are bad people.
Joey: He knew that we were trying to get rid of him. He knew. You think we could have a bathtub in our kitchen?

Larry and Phoebe are going out again.

Larry: Hey, ready for dinner?
Phoebe: Ooh! Absolutely.
Larry: Great. I believe you wanted to go down to the Italian place down on Bleaker Street, right?
Phoebe: Ooh, I love that place! So, no.
Larry: How about Mama Lazetti's?
Phoebe: Ugh. Sure.
Larry: I wonder how long that milk has been sitting out.
Phoebe: Oh. No, no. This place is totally healthy. This milk is mine. I bought this today because I was thirsty for milk. You know. OK, let's go!
Larry: Hey buddy. Are you familiar with Section 11B? The health code that requires all refuse material to be taken out of the back exit?
Gunther: But then I'd have to go all the way around the dry cleaner place.
Larry: Oh, so you're saying that you'd choose convenience over health?!
Phoebe: OK, stop. Larry, OK. Can't you just be Larry?! And not Larry, the health inspector guy? You know? I mean, it was really exciting at first, but now it's like, OK, so where are going to eat, ever?
Larry: Well, I suppose I could give him a warning.
Phoebe: Thank you. OK. Go, go, go! Now, if after dinner, you still like really need to bust someone, I know a hot dog vendor who picks his nose.

Chandler and Joey are trying to justify their decision to kick Ross out.

Joey: Maybe we did a good thing helping Ross get back on his feet.
Chandler: Yes. That was a nice place.
Joey: Yeah.
Chandler: Not a lot of closet space, but he could just hang his stuff out the window in a bag!
Joey: Yeah!
Chandler: What are we going to do?
Joey: I don't know. Maybe pizza?
Chandler: About Ross!
Joey: Oh. Hello? Oh yeah. It's the apartment manager. Ross put us down as references. Ross is the greatest guy you'll ever meet. Yeah, he's very reliable-
Chandler: Of course, he has a big, huge dog that uh, barks into the night. Well, who doesn't love dogs. Uh, he's a tap dancer! Yes, some would say that is a lost art. He's a pimp! There you go, yes, he's a pimp. He's a big, tap dancing pimp. Hello? Oh!

Monica is helping Rachel pretend she came home from the Regatta gala.

Rachel: This is never going to work. He's right there.
Monica: Just go over and say hi.
Rachel: No! I have to go downstairs, come back up as if I'm coming home from the Regatta gala. OK? So, just go distract him. But don't be sexy.
Monica: Hey, Danny!
Danny: Hey.
Monica: Hey.
Danny: Hey, what's going on?
Monica: Oh, it's a great party. Great food. I mean, you know, most parties, it's all chips and salsa, chips and salsa. So, what's this?
Danny: Salad?
Monica: Oh! And, and what's this?
Danny: Bread. Aren't you a chef?
Monica: Oh.
Danny: Hey, Rachel!
Rachel: Hey! Oh, right, tonight was your party.
Danny: Yeah. Wow, you look great! I'm glad you could make it.
Rachel: Oh, yeah, well, you know. The gala had to end sometime.
Danny: Don't go anywhere. I'll be right back. All right?
Rachel: Yeah, sure. All right. Whose court's the ball in now?
Monica: I thought there wasn't a ball.
Rachel: Come on. He's glad that I came, and he doesn't want me to go anywhere. Balls flying all over the place!
Danny: Rachel, this is my friend Tom. This is the girl I told you about.
Rachel: Oh come on. You telling people about me?
Danny: I think you two could really hit it off. I'm going to go mingle.
Tom: So you work at Bloomingdale's, huh? My mom calls it Bloomy's.
Rachel: Oh, yeah, OK. At ease, soldier.
Tom: I'm sorry?
Rachel: No, it's all right. You can just drop the act, Tommy. I know what's going on here. You're Danny's wingman, right? You guys are best buds. Frat bros!
Tom: I'm going to go talk to a friend.
Rachel: Yeah, yeah, you go talk to your friend. You tell him nice try. Man, you know, he just keeps lobbing them up, and I just keep knocking them right out of the park!
Monica: I think I need a drink.
Rachel: Yeah.

Chandler and Joey are playing a game waiting for Ross to come back.