Monica: Hey.
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: Monica? What time is it?
Chandler: Uh, 9:00.
Joey: But it's dark out.
Monica: Well, that's because you always sleep till noon, silly. This is what 9:00 looks like.
Joey: I guess I'll get washed up then. Watch that sunrise.
Monica: I'm really tired of sneaking around like this.
Chandler: Yeah, me too. Hey, you know what? What if we went away for the whole weekend? You know? We'd have no interruptions, and we could be naked the entire time.
Monica: All weekend? That's a whole lot of naked!
Chandler: I could say I have a conference, and you could say you have a chef's thing.
Monica: Oh, I've always wanted to go to this culinary fair that they have in Jersey!
Chandler: OK, you know you're not, though. Let's go.
Monica: OK. Wait! What about Joey?

Chandler opens the bathroom door and Joey is asleep with his toothbrush in his mouth.

OPENING CREDITS

Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are eating breakfast at Monica and Rachel's.

Monica: Hey. Guess what I'm doing this weekend? I'm going to this culinary fair in Jersey.
Chandler: How weird! Chandler just told us he's got a conference there.
Monica: Oh. That, that, that's funny. Seems like Chandler's conference could have been in Connecticut or Vermont.
Chandler: I'm not in charge of where the conference is held. Do you want people to think it's a fake conference? It's a real conference.
Ross: Hey. Is Rachel here? I got to talk to her.
Monica: No, she's out shopping.
Ross: Damn.
Chandler: What's going on?
Ross: I told Emily to come. And I just need to, you know, talk to Rachel about it.
Phoebe: Wait a minute! So when Emily comes, you're just, you're not going to see Rachel anymore?
Ross: Well, look, I'm just trying to focus on the I get to see my wife part, all right? And not on the part that makes me do this.
Monica: Wow, so you guys are, you're never going to be in the same room together? How is that even going to work?
Ross: I have no idea. I mean, but, but, I assure you, I will figure it out.
Joey: Doesn't seem like it's going to work.
Rachel: Hi guys!
Chandler: Hey.
Rachel: What's going on?
Chandler: We're flipping Monica's mattress.
Joey: So I'm thinking basically we pick it up, and then we flip it.
Phoebe: Yeah, that's better than my way.
Rachel: Oh OK. Hey guys. Would you flip mine too?
Chandler: Oh, man.
Rachel: Oh look! A letter from my mom.
Ross: So Rach, you know, you know how Emily's coming, right?
Rachel: Oh yeah. I know.

Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey are listening on the other side of Monica's bedroom door.

Phoebe: Can you hear anything?
Chandler: Oh yeah. Somebody just said 'Can you hear anything?'
Monica: Hey, Joey's ass. What are you doing?
Joey: Oh. Remember when they got in that big fight and broke up, and we were all stuck in here all night with no food or anything? Well, when Ross said Rachel at the wedding, I figured, it's going to happen again. You know? So I hid this in here.
Phoebe: Ooh!
Monica: Candy bars, crossword puzzles.
Phoebe: Ooh, mad libs! Mine!
Chandler: Condoms?
Joey: Hey, you don't know how long we're going to be in here! We may have to repopulate the earth.
Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that.

Outside in the living room...

Ross: Anyway, it kind of, it all boils down to this. The, the last time I talked to Emily...
Rachel: Huh! Oh my God! Our dog died!
Ross: What?
Rachel: Oh my God! Lapeu, our dog!
Ross: Lapeu was still alive?
Rachel: Oh, uh! It says he was hit by an ice cream truck and dragged for nineteen blocks. Oh my God!
Monica: Sweetie, we heard you crying. Please, don't cry.
Rachel: It's Lapeu!
Phoebe: I know, it's Lapeu right now, but it'll get better.

Chandler and Monica are at their hotel.

Chandler: I can't believe it! We're here!
Monica: Ooh! Chocolates on the pillows! Oh, I love that!
Chandler: Oh, you should live with Joey. Rolos, everywhere.
Monica: OK. Be right back.
Chandler: Oh yes! Monica, get in here, it's a high speed car chase on!
Monica: We're switching rooms.
Chandler: Oh dear God. They gave us glasses.
Monica: No, they gave us glasses with lipstick on them. I mean, uh, if they didn't change the glasses, who knows what else they didn't change. Come on, sweetie. I just want this weekend to be perfect. OK? We can change rooms, can't we?
Chandler: OK, but let's do it now though, because Chopper 5 just lost its feed!

Ross is trying again to tell Rachel about Emily's condition.

Ross: Hey, so uh, you know how there was something I wanted to talk to you about?
Rachel: Oh, yeah!
Ross: Well, you know how I'm trying to work things out with Emily. Well, there's this one thing. OK. Here goes. I made a promise. Ooh, hey!
Rachel: What?
Ross: Your nose is bleeding.
Rachel: Oh God! Oh no, not again! This happened when my grandfather died, it's, ugh, sorry. OK, so, I'm sorry, what were, what did you want to tell me?
Ross: Um...
Rachel: Sorry, sorry.
Ross: OK. I uh, I can't see you anymore.
Rachel: Yeah, yeah, I know. It's ridiculous. I can't see you either.

Chandler and Monica have switched rooms.

Hotel Clerk: I think you'll find this room more to your liking.
Chandler: OK, great.
Hotel Clerk: They say he's only got half a tank left.
Chandler: Half a tank? We've still got a lot of high speed chasing to do!
Monica: We're switching rooms again.
Chandler: What? Why?
Monica: This is a garden view room and we paid for an ocean view room.
Hotel Clerk: Our last ocean view room was unacceptable to you.
Monica: Excuse me, um, can I talk to you over here for just a second?
Chandler: Uh-huh.
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler: Yeah.
Monica: Look, these clowns are trying to take us for a ride, and I'm not going to let them! And we're not a couple of suckers!
Chandler: I hear you, Mugsy! But look, all these rooms are fine, OK? Can you just pick one so I can watch, have a perfect magical weekend together with you.
Monica: OK, this one, I like.
Chandler: No. Nothing. It's over. Damn it. This is regularly scheduled programming!
Monica: Can, can we turn the TV off? OK? Do we really want to spend the entire weekend like this?
Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry. Am I getting in the way of all the room switching fun?
Monica: Don't blame me for ruining tonight.
Chandler: Well, who should I blame? The nice bellman who had to drag our luggage to ten different rooms?
Monica: Oh, I don't know. How about the idiot who thought he could drive from Albany to Canada on a half a tank of gas?
Chandler: Do not speak ill of the dead.
Monica: We're supposed to be spending a romantic weekend together. What is the matter with you?
Chandler: I just want to watch a little television. What is the big deal? Geez, relax, Mom.
Monica: What did you say?
Chandler: I said, geez, relax, Monnnn.

Rachel is reading a magazine with tissue stuffed up her nose when Ross comes in.

Rachel: Hi!
Ross: Rachel, I've been wanting to tell you something for a while now, and I really, I just have to get it out.
Rachel: OK, all right. What's up?
Ross: OK. You know how you told me I should do whatever it takes to fix my marriage?
Rachel: Yeah. I told you to give Emily whatever she wants.
Ross: And while that was good advice, you should know that, what, what she wants...
Rachel: Yeah?
Ross: Is for me not to see you anymore.
Rachel: That's crazy. You can't do that. What are you going to tell her? Oh my God. Oh, you've already agreed to this, haven't you?
Ross: It's awful, I know. It's, I mean, I feel terrible, but I have to do this if I want my marriage to work. And I do, I have to make this marriage work. I have to. But, the good thing is, we can still see each other until she gets here.
Rachel: Oh! Lucky me! Oh my God, that is good news, Ross! I think that's the best news I've heard since Lapeu died!
Ross: You have no idea what a nightmare this has been. This is so hard.
Rachel: Oh, yeah. Really? Is it, Ross? Yeah, OK, well let me just make this a little easier for you.
Ross: What are you doing?
Rachel: Storming out.
Ross: Rachel, this is your apartment.
Rachel: Yeah? Well, that's how mad I am!!

Chandler comes home.

Chandler: Damn Rolos.
Joey: Hey, you're back.
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: How was your conference?
Chandler: Oh, it was terrible. I fought with my colleagues the entire time. Are you kidding, with this?
Monica: Hi.
Joey: Hi, you're back too.
Monica: Yeah. Um, Chandler, can I talk to you outside for just a second?
Joey: Hey, how was your chef thing?
Monica: Ugh. Awful. Guess some people just don't appreciate really good food.
Chandler: Well, maybe it was the kind of food that tasted good at first, but then made everybody vomit and have diarrhea.
Monica: Chandler?
Chandler: Monica?
Monica: OK. I'd like to know how much the room was cause I want to pay my half.
Chandler: OK, fine. $300.
Monica: $300?!
Chandler: Yeah, just think of it as $25 per room.
Monica: Ugh!
Joey: What are you guys woofing about?
Monica: Chandler stole a $20 from my purse!
Joey: No!! You know what? Now that I think about it, I constantly find myself without $20s, and you always have lots.

Ross is sad that he made Rachel upset.

Ross: You should have seen the look on her face. I don't want Rachel to hate me. I don't know what to do.
Joey: Do you want my advice?
Ross: Yes, please.
Joey: You're not going to like it.
Ross: That's OK.
Joey: You got married too fast.
Ross: That's not advice.
Joey: I told you.
Ross: I'm going to the bathroom.
Joey: Man, if anyone asked me to give up any of you, I don't think I could do it.
Phoebe: Me neither.
Monica: Maybe I could do it.
Rachel: Hi. Look, I know you guys heard about the whole thing with me and Ross, but you know, I've been obsessing about it all day, and I would just love not to talk about it, all right?
Joey: Uh, I don't know if this falls under that category, but uh, Ross is right back there.
Rachel: That's not Ross.
Phoebe: Oh, no. Not that guy. He does look like him, though.
Chandler: OK. Ross is in the bathroom.
Rachel: Oh my God. It's happening. It's already started. I, I'm Kip.
Joey: You're not Kip.
Rachel: Do you even know who Kip is?
Joey: Who cares? You're Rachel. Who's Kip?
Chandler: Kip. My old roommate. You know, we all used to hang out together.
Joey: Oh, that poor bastard.
Rachel: See? Yeah, you told me the story. He and Monica dated, when they broke up, they couldn't even be in the same room together, and you all promised that you would stay his friend, and what happened? He got phased out.
Monica: You're not going to be phased out.
Rachel: Well, of course I am! It's not going to happen to Ross. He's your brother, he's your old college roommate. Oh, you know? It's just a matter of time before someone had to leave the group. I just always assumed Phoebe would be the one to go.
Phoebe: AAH!
Rachel: Honey, come on. You live far away, you're not related, you lift right out.

Chandler comes into his and Joey's apartment. Joey is watching TV.

Chandler: Hey.
Joey: Hey, Mr. Bing. That uh, hotel you stayed at called. Said someone left an eyelash curler in your room.
Chandler: Yes, that was mine.
Joey: Cause I figured you hooked up with some girl and she left it there.
Chandler: Yes, that would have made more sense.
Joey: You know? I don't even feel like I know you anymore, man. All right, look. I'm just going to ask you this one time. All right? And whatever you say, I'll believe you. Were you, or were you not, on a gay cruise?

Phoebe is mad at Rachel for saying she wasn't part of the group.

Rachel: Phoebe? I'm sorry about the whole lifting out thing. Look, you got to come with me.
Phoebe: Come where?
Rachel: Wherever I go. Come on, you and me. We'll, we'll start a new group. We're the best ones.
Phoebe: OK, but try to get Joey too.
Ross: Phoebes? Mind if I speak to Rachel alone for a sec?
Phoebe: Oh sure. Bye, Ross. Forever.
Ross: Hi.
Rachel: Hi. What are you doing here? Isn't this against the rules?
Ross: I talked to Monica. Look, I'm the one who made the choice. I'm the one whose making things change, so I should be the one to you know, step back.
Rachel: Oh, Ross.
Ross: No. No, it's OK. Really. There are plenty of people who just see their sisters at Thanksgiving, and just see their college roommates at reunions, and just see Joey at Burger King. So is, is that better?
Rachel: No, it's not better. I still don't get to see you.
Ross: Well, what would you do, Rach? If you were me, what, what would you do?
Rachel: Well, for starters, I would have said the right name at my wedding.
Ross: I can't believe this is happening.
Rachel: I know.
Ross: I am so sorry.
Rachel: I know that too.
Joey: Hey, Rach? Sorry to interrupt, but uh, Phoebes said you wanted to talk to me about a trip or something.

Chandler goes to visit Monica.