Monica: Come in, I've been waiting for you.
Rachel: Hi, I just want- AAAAAAAH! Oh my God! Oh my God! Monica! Oh my God!
Monica: Oh God. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was um, I was taking a nap.
Rachel: Since when do you take naps in that position?! Oh God, Monica, tell me you were waiting for a guy. Please tell me you were waiting for a guy.
Monica: Yes, yes I was. A guy. From work. I'm seeing a guy from work! Ha!
Rachel: Huh! That cute waiter guy from your restaurant. The one that looks like a non-threatening Ray Liotta?
Monica: Uh-huh! That one!
Rachel: Uh, you know what? Just give me a second. I'll be out of your hair. I'm just going to grab a jacket. When I get back, I want every little detail.

There is a knock on the apartment door.

Rachel: Maybe that's him.
Monica: OK, um. OK, um. It's just Joey and Ross.
Rachel: Why aren't you guys at the movie?
Joey: Well, we were. But Ross was talking so loud on his phone, they threw us out.
Ross: I had to talk loud because the movie was loud!
Joey: He's talking to London.
Monica: Oh my God! Did he get in touch with Emily?
Joey: Well, no not yet. He's calling everyone on her side of the family hoping that someone will help him get in touch with her.
Ross: I don't care if I said some other girl's name, you prissy old twit!!
Joey: Ross. Way to suck up to the family.
Chandler: Heh, heh, ha, AH! I'm so glad you guys are all here. My office finally got wrinkle-free fax paper!

OPENING CREDITS

Joey comes into Monica and Rachel's apartment wearing a tuxedo.

Joey: Hey.
Chandler: No, no, no! Vomit tux! No, no! Vomit tux!
Joey: Don't worry. I had it dry cleaned.
Monica: Vomit tux? Who vomited on- you know what? What are you up to, Joe?
Joey: Well, they're doing this telethon thing on TV, and my agent got me a job as co-host!
Monica: That's great!
Joey: Yeah, a little good deed for PBS, plus some TV exposure. Now that's the kind of math Joey likes to do!
Phoebe: Ugh. PBS.
Monica: What's wrong with PBS?
Phoebe: Oh. What's right with them?
Joey: Why don't you like PBS, Phoebes?
Phoebe: OK. Cause right after my mom killed herself, I was just in this really bad place, you know, personally? I just thought it would make me feel better if I wrote to Sesame Street, cause they were so nice when I was a little kid. No one ever wrote back.
Chandler: Well, you know, a lot of those muppets don't have thumbs.
Phoebe: All I got was a lousy key chain. And by that time I was living in a box! I didn't have keys!
Joey: I'm sorry Phoebes. I just, you know, I just wanted to do a good deed, like, like you did with the babies.
Phoebe: This isn't a good deed. You just want to get on TV. This is totally selfish.
Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa!! What about you having those babies for your brother? Talk about selfish.
Phoebe: Wha- what are you talking about?
Joey: Well, yeah, it was a really nice thing and all, but it made you feel really good, right?
Phoebe: Yeah, so?
Joey: Well, it made you feel good. So that makes it selfish. Look, there's no unselfish good deed. Sorry.
Phoebe: Yes, there are! There are totally good deeds that are selfless.
Joey: Well, may I ask for one example?
Phoebe: Yeah, it's, you know there's, no you may not!
Joey: Sorry to burst that bubble, Phoebes, but selfless good deeds don't exist. OK? And you know the deal on Santa Claus, right?
Phoebe: I'm going to find a selfless good deed. I'm going to beat you, you evil genius!
Ross: Hello.
Emily: Hello, Ross?
Ross: Emily? Em- oh my God! Oh my God! It's Emily! It's Emily! Everyone! Shh! Shh! Hi.
Emily: Ross, I'm only ringing to say stop harassing my relatives. Goodbye!
Ross: No, wait, wait! Look, OK, OK. You can hang up, but I'm going to keep calling. I'm going to call everyone in England if that what it takes to get you to talk to me.
Emily: Really? About what?
Ross: Look, you're, you're my wife! We're, we're married. You know? I, I love you. I really miss you.
Emily: I miss you too. Well, at least I think I do.
Ross: She's talking.
Everyone: Yay...
Phoebe: Hey, Joey, when you said the deal with Santa Claus, you meant...
Joey: That he doesn't exist.
Phoebe: Right.

Rachel, Monica, and Chandler are hanging out at Central Perk.

Rachel: So Chandler, have you heard about Monica's secret boyfriend?
Chandler: Uh, yeah, she might have mentioned him.
Rachel: So Mon, when are we going to meet this new secret waiter man?
Monica: Oh, he's really shy. I don't think he's up to meeting everyone yet.
Chandler: Yeah, I don't think he's up to meeting everyone yet.
Rachel: I don't care! I want to meet this guy who's the best sex she ever had.
Chandler: Really?! That's who you heard? You said that?
Monica: I might have said that. Why is that funny?
Chandler: Because I'm very happy for him. And you, you lucky dog.
Ross: Hi.
Monica: Hey.
Ross: Well, Emily's willing to work on the relationship.
Monica: That's great!
Chandler: Yes.
Ross: In London!
Monica: What?!
Ross: She wants me to move to London.
Rachel: What, what are you going to do?
Ross: I bet if I talk to Carol and Susan, I could convince them to move to London with Ben.
Monica: Yeah, I'm sure your ex-wife would be more than happy to move to another country so you can patch things up with your new wife.
Ross: It could happen.

Joey is at the PBS Telethon.

Stage Manager: This will be your phone.
Joey: That's great, but uh, I'm not really expecting a lot of calls.
Stage Manager: No, you answer it and take pledges.
Joey: But I'm the host.
Stage Manager: No, Gary Collins is the host. You'll be answering the phone.
Joey: You don't seem to understand. See, I was Dr. Drake Ramoray.
Stage Manager: Well, here's your phone, Doctor.

Phoebe is racking her brain trying to find a selfless good deed.

Phoebe: I cannot believe I can't find a selfless good deed. You know that really old guy that lives next door to me? Well, I snuck over there, and raked up all the leaves on his front stoop, but he caught me, and he like force fed me cider and cookies. Then I felt wonderful. That old jackass.
Rachel: Honey, maybe Joey's right. Maybe all good deeds are selfish.
Phoebe: I will find a selfless good deed. Cause I just gave birth to three children, and I will not let them be raised in a world where Joey is right!
Chandler: Hey Monica? Can I ask you a cooking question?
Monica: Sure.
Chandler: If you're cooking on the stove, does that mean that your new secret boyfriend is better in bed than Richard?
Rachel: Chandler! Is he?
Monica: You know, I think I'm going to respect the privacy of my new secret boyfriend.
Chandler: Why? I mean, if this guy was me, and it was me who had learned that it was me who was the best you'd ever had, I'd be going like this.

Ross is on the phone with Emily.

Ross: OK, Emily, as much as I love you, I'm sorry, I can't move to London without Ben.
Emily: I understand that would be difficult.
Ross: And would you please consider moving here? I mean, you were going to move here anyway, why can't you just do that?
Emily: I don't know, it's just-
Ross: OK. OK. But, but I know that even though I've been a complete idiot up till now, I mean, you have to come here. You have to, so we can work this out together.
Emily: All right.
Ross: All right? Did you just say all right?
Emily: I did, now I'm the idiot.
Ross: Ah, Emily. That is so great. It's going to be so great. We're going to be like, like two idiots in love.
Emily: Ross, there's one thing that really scares me still.
Ross: Yes, tell me.
Emily: Well, you have to understand how humiliating it was for me up on that altar in front of my entire family, all my friends.
Ross: I know. I am, I am so sorry.
Emily: And then, after deciding to forgive you, seeing you at the airport catching our plane with her.
Ross: Again, very sorry.
Emily: I mean, I can't, I can't be in the same room as her. It drives me mad just thinking of you being in the same room as her.
Ross: Emily, there is nothing between Rachel and me. OK? I love you.
Emily: All right. I'll come to New York and we'll try to make this work.
Ross: Ah, that is so great! That is-
Emily: As long as you don't see Rachel anymore.

Ross is trying to get some advice about how to fix things with Emily.

Ross: So I asked Emily if she would come to New York, and she said yes.
Phoebe: Ooh!!
Ross: No, no, no! Only if I promise never to see Rachel again.
Monica: What? You can't, uh! What did you tell her?
Ross: I told her I'd have to think about it. I mean, how the hell am I supposed to make this kind of a decision?! I'm actually asking you!
Chandler: Well, you can't just not see Rachel anymore. She's one of your best friends!
Monica: But, he can't exactly not see Emily, I mean, that's his wife.
Chandler: That's true!
Phoebe: Yeah, but you've known Rachel since high school and you cannot just cut her out of your life.
Chandler: That's true!
Monica: Yeah, you cannot.
Ross: Thanks for the help. Problem solved.
Monica: Hello.
Joey: Hey, Mon!
Monica: Oh, hey Joey! Oh, we've been watching all day. When are you going to be on TV?
Joey: See, there was kind of a mix-up at my agent's office. But, I'm still on TV and that's good exposure.
Monica: You're not on TV.
Joey: Oh, uh, OK. How about now?
Phoebe: OH!
Chandler: Yeah! There he is! There he is!
Joey: Hello, New York!

Monica goes over to visit Chandler.

Monica: Hi, Chandler.
Chandler: Hey.
Monica: Uh, listen, I need that broiling pan that Joey borrowed the other day.
Chandler: Oh, that was yours? Ah, yeah, we used it when the duck was throwing up caterpillars.
Monica: William Sonoma, fall catalog, page 27.
Chandler: Expect it in 4-6 weeks. Um, hey, uh, Joey's going to be at the telethon for the rest of the day. And we have the whole place to ourselves.
Monica: Yeah, so?
Chandler: Well, I just thought maybe you'd want to book some time with the best you've ever had.
Monica: You know what? Champ? I think I'll pass.
Chandler: Why?
Monica: Why?
Chandler: What's your point?

Joey is mad that he's not in camera range.

Joey: PBS Telethon.
Phoebe: Hey Joey. I just wanted to let you know that I found a selfless good deed. I went down to the park and I let a bee sting me.
Joey: What? What good is that going to do anybody?
Phoebe: Well, it helps the bee look tough in front of his bee friends. The bee is happy, and I am definitely not.
Joey: Hey. You know, the bee probably died after he stung you.
Phoebe: Damn it!
Stage Manager: Back on in 30 seconds, people!
Joey: Hey, excuse me. Would you mind switching with me?
PBS Volunteer: Oh no way. I'm in his shot, man.
Joey: Come on, man, you've been here all day!
PBS Volunteer: Hey, I'm taking pledges here, all right?
Stage Manager: And we're on in 3, 2.
Host Gary Collins: Welcome back to our fall telethon. Now if you've been enjoying the performance of Cirque du Soleis, and you'd like to see more of the same kind of programming, it's very simple. All you have to do is call in a pledge and at that time, tell the operator, one of our volunteers, what type of programming you really want.

Ross is at his wit's end.

Ross: OK. That's it. I cannot make this decision. It is too difficult. So I'm just going to leave it entirely up to the gods of fate.
Monica: A magic 8-ball?! No, you can't be serious. You can't make this decision with a toy!
Phoebe: Oh, it's not a toy.
Ross: Well, I don't know what else to do!! I mean, I either keep my wife, and lose one of my, my best friends, or keep my friend and get divorced for the second time before I'm 30! So, so if anyone else has, has a better suggestion, let's hear it, cause I got nothing! OK?! Don't be shy, any suggestion will do!! OK then! Here we go. Magic 8-ball, should I never see Rachel again? Ask again later. Later is not good enough! Ask again later. What the hell?! This is broken!! It is broken!!
Monica: Let me see. Will Chandler have sex tonight? Don't count on it. Seems like it works to me.

Joey is still stuck at the telethon with no TV exposure.

Joey: PBS Telethon.
Phoebe: Hi, Joey.
Joey: Hey, Phoebes.
Phoebe: I would like to make a pledge. I would like to donate $200.
Joey: $200? You sure, Phoebes? I mean, after what Sesame Street did to you?
Phoebe: Oh, I'm still mad at them. But I also know that they bring happiness to lots of kids whose moms didn't kill themselves. You know, so by supporting them, I'm doing a good thing, but I'm not happy about it. So, there. A selfless good deed.
Joey: All right. And you don't feel a little good about donating the money.
Phoebe: No, it sucks. I was saving up to buy a hamster.
Joey: A hamster? What, those things are like 10 bucks.
Phoebe: Yeah, not the one I had my eye on.
Host: It looks like we have surpassed last year's pledge total! Thank you, viewers! Let's see, this was taken by one of our volunteers, oh boy, and may I say one of our sharpest dressed volunteers! Mr. Joseph Tribbiani!
Phoebe: Oh look! Joey's on TV! Isn't that great? Hey, my pledge got Joey on TV! Oh, that makes me
feel so, oh no!!

Chandler goes over to Monica and Rachel's apartment.

Chandler: Look, maybe I got carried away before. But there's something you got to know. If I'm the best, it's only because you made me the best.
Monica: Keep talking.
Chandler: I mean, I was nothing before you. Call the other girls and ask. Which wouldn't take long. But when I'm with you, and we're together, oh my God.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Ah, oh my God. Now, I understand if you never want to sleep with me again, but that would be wrong. We're too good. We owe it to sex!
Monica: Well, if we owe it. Oh! Oh my! When is Joey going to be home?
Chandler: Well, I was kind of hoping we could do this without him. Oh, no, no, no. Leave the gloves on.
Monica: But I just cleaned the bathroom.
Chandler: Yeah, why don't we lose the gloves? All right. Let's show them how it's done.
Monica: OK. OW!
Chandler: You know that wasn't part of it.
Monica: I know.

Ross is fiddling with the Magic 8-ball, trying to fix it because he thinks it's broken.

Rachel: Hi. You ready? We're going to be late.
Ross: For what?
Rachel: For Stella. Remember? She's getting her groove back in like twenty minutes.
Ross: Yeah, I uh, totally forgot about that. Do you, do you mind if I take a rain check? I'm waiting for a call from Emily.
Rachel: Well, sure. I guess. Hey, I hear you don't have to go to London. Yay.
Ross: It's not that easy. There's still a lot of uh, relationship stuff.
Rachel: Like what?
Ross: Just stuff. You know, kind of what Emily wants.
Rachel: Well, why don't you talk to me about it? Maybe I can help.
Ross: No. You, you can't help. I mean, I kind of have to do this without your help.
Rachel: Well, I mean. I know you can do that too, I'm just saying if you need somebody to talk to. Hi.
Ross: Thanks.
Rachel: Ross? Look, whatever this relationship stuff is that Emily wants, just give it to her. Come on, the bottom line is that you love her. So just fix whatever she wants fixed. Just do it. I mean, you're going to have to try. You'll just hate yourself if you don't. Oh come on, answer it. It's driving me crazy.
Ross: Hello. Hi sweetie. Good. Look, um, yes I've been thinking about that thing you wanted me to do, and uh, I can do it. So, will you come to New York?
Rachel: Mouthing: What? Yay!

Chandler comes out of the closet at Central Perk with his hair and clothes disheveled. He goes and sits on an armchair. Monica follows shortly after and sits on the couch.