Rachel: Oh! Look, look, look! There's Joey's picture! Oh good, this is so exciting!
Chandler: You can always spot someone whose never seen one of his plays before. Notice, no fear, no sense of impending doom.
Ross: Look, the role of Man #3 will not be played by Vic Shapiro. Well, we came on the wrong night.
Monica: I can't believe I forgot to bring a magazine.
Rachel: Come on you guys, this might be good.
Phoebe: I don't know. Exclamation point in the title scares me. You know, it's not just Freud, it's Freud!
Ross: Oh! Shh, shh, shh. Magic is about to happen.
Joey: Well, Eva, we've done some excellent work here. And I would have to say your problem is quite clear. All you want is a dinkle, what you envy's a schwang, a thing through which you can tinkle, to play with or simply let hang.

OPENING CREDITS

The play is over, and everyone is waiting for Joey to come out.

Rachel: Ugh, I feel violated.
Monica: Did anybody else feel like they just wanted to peel the skin off their body to have something else to do?
Chandler: Ross, 9:00.
Ross: Is it? It feels like 2:00.
Chandler: 10:00.
Ross: What?
Chandler: Huh. There's a beautiful woman at 8:00, 9:00, 10:00.
Ross: Oh, hello.
Chandler: Oh, she's amazing. She makes the women I dream about look like short, fat, bald men.
Monica: Go over to her. She's not with anyone.
Chandler: Oh, yeah, right. And what would my opening line be? Excuse me, blah-leh-leh.
Rachel: Come on! She's a person! You can do it.
Chandler: Please. Could she be more out of my league? Ross, back me up here.
Ross: He could never get a woman like that in a million years.
Chandler: Thank you man.
Phoebe: Ooh, ooh, ooh! But you know, you always see these really beautiful women with these really nothing guys. You could be one of those guys.
Monica: You could do that.
Ross: That could be you.
Rachel: Yes, yes, absolutely.
Chandler: Oh God, I can't believe I'm even considering this. I'm very, very aware of my tongue.
Ross: Come on. Come on. Stand back everyone. Incoming ego shrapnel.
Chandler: All right, I can do this.
Aurora: Yes?
Chandler: Hi. Um, OK, next word would be, Chandler. Chandler is my name. And uh, hi.
Aurora: Yes, you said that.
Chandler: Yes. Yes I did. But what I didn't say was what I was about to say, what I wanted to say was would you like to go out with me sometime, thank you, good night.
Aurora: Chandler?
Ross: I didn't know you could dance!
Joey: What did you think?
Ross: I didn't know you could dance!
Rachel: You were in a play!
Joey: Come on you guys! It wasn't that bad. I was the lead. It was better than that thing I did with the trolls. At least you got to see my head.
Phoebe: You're right.
Ross: Saw your head.
Joey: Hey, hey, how about that German accent?
Rachel: Oh yah! Yah! All of your 'w's were 'v's.
Chandler: She said yes! She said yes! Awful play man. Whoa! Her name's Aurora, and she's Italian, and she pronounces my name Chand-ler. Chand-ler. I think I like it better that way. Oh, listen, the usher gave me this to give you.
Rachel: What is it?
Joey: Estelle Leonard, Talent Agency. Wow, an agency left me its card. Maybe they want to sign me!
Phoebe: Based on this play? Based on this play!
Joey: Look, look, look, there's a note on the back. Loved your work. Call me A SAP. She was obviously very moved.
Ross: And you should probably call her fairly quickly.
Joey: Yeah! As soon as possible.

Joey goes to the Talent Agency.

Estelle: Come in!
Joey: Hi I'm here to see Estelle Leonard.
Estelle: Just a moment. Let me see if she's in. Hello.
Joey: You're Estelle Leonard?
Estelle: I know. I know. You weren't expecting someone so fantastically beautiful. So, love lump, take a load off already, darling, sit already.
Joey: Miss Leonard, I can't tell you how excited I am just to even be here!
Estelle: Why not?
Joey: What I meant-
Estelle: You don't mind if I eat while we talk, do you?
Joey: No.
Estelle: So, Joey. Sweetheart, let me ask you a question. Did you ever see the movie Sleepless in Seattle?
Joey: Yeah. Wow, do you represent those actors?
Estelle: No. But you know at the end of the movie the part where they're all so happy with each other? That's going to be you and me.
Joey: You mean you want to sign me?
Estelle: No. I want to go on top of the Empire State Building and make out. Of course I want to sign you!
Joey: Oh, Miss Leonard.
Estelle: Oh, boy. Oh. Ride them, cowboy!
Joey: I'm sorry.

Ross is looking at a Magic Eye book.

Ross: I don't see it. I don't see it.
Joey: Try to look past the book.
Monica: You just have to un-focus your eyes.
Ross: Who's focusing? There's nothing to focus on.
Phoebe: Oh, it's the Statue of Liberty!
Monica: Right.
Ross: What? Where is the Statue of Liberty? Where?
Phoebe: Right there. God, I can't not see it now.
Chandler: Hey kids.
Ross: Chandler, come here, do you see anything right here?
Chandler: Yeah, it looks like a boat.
Ross: A boat. Ha.
Chandler: Yeah, right there in front of the Statue of Liberty. Well, I can't believe I've been here almost seven seconds and you haven't asked me how my date went.
Monica: Oh right. How was your date? Chand-ler.
Chandler: It was unbelievable. I've, I've never met anyone like her, she's had the most amazing life! She was in the Israeli army.

Flashback to Chandler's date with Aurora...

Aurora: Luckily, none of the bullets hit the engine block. So. We made it to the border. But just barely, and I, I, I've been talking about myself all night long. I'm sorry. What about you? Tell me one of your stories.
Chandler: All right. Once. Once, I got onto the subway, right? And it was at night. And I rode it all the way to Brooklyn. Just for the hell of it.

Back to Present Day...

Chandler: We talked till like two. It was this perfect evening. More or less.

Flashback...

Aurora: All of a sudden, we realized we were in Yemen.
Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, so we is?
Aurora: Oh, we would be me and Rick.

Back to Present Day...

Joey: Who's Rick?

Flashback...

Chandler: Who's Rick?
Aurora: My husband.
Chandler: Oh, so you're divorced?
Aurora: No.
Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, so you're widowed? Hopefully?
Aurora: No, I'm still married.
Chandler: So, uh, tell me. How do you think your husband would feel about you sitting here with me? Sliding your foot so far up my pant leg you can count the change in my pocket.
Aurora: Don't worry. I imagine he'd be OK with you because really, he's OK with Ethan.
Chandler: Ethan. Because there's an Ethan?
Aurora: Um. Ethan is my boyfriend.

Back to Present Day...

All: What??!

Flashback...

Chandler: So explain something to me here. Uh, what kind of relationship do you imagine us having, if you already have a husband and a boyfriend?
Aurora: I suppose mainly sexual.
Chandler: Oh.

Back to Present Day...

Monica: I'm sorry it didn't work out.
Chandler: What not work out? I'm seeing her again on Thursday. Didn't you listen to the story?
Monica: Didn't you listen to the story? I mean, this is twisted, how could you get involved with a woman like this?
Chandler: Well, you know, I had some trouble with it at first too. But the way I look at it is, I get all the good stuff. All the fun, all the talking, all the sex. And none of the responsibility. And this is every guy's fantasy!
Phoebe: That is not true. Ross, is this your fantasy?
Ross: No, of course not. Yeah. Yeah it is.
Monica: What? So you guys don't mind going out with someone else who's going out with someone else?
Joey: I couldn't do it.
Monica: Good for you, Joey.
Joey: When I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm going out with more people than she is.
Phoebe: You know, one time? I went out with a guy who had just gotten divorced. And it was really hard. His kids liked me better than him.
Monica: Phoebe? What does this have to do with Chandler's thing?
Phoebe: Oh. Nothing. But I didn't have anything on that topic. So I went another way.
Ross: Well, you know, monogamy can be a tricky concept. I mean, anthropologically speaking. Fine, fine. All right, now you'll never know.
Monica: Forget it. Go, tell us.
Ross: All right. There's a theory put forth by Richard Leakey.

Everyone goes back to Monica and Rachel's apartment.

Rachel: Ta-da!
Chandler: Are we greeting each other this way now, because I like that.
Rachel: Look! I cleaned! I did the windows, and the floors. I even used all those attachments on the vacuum, except for that little round one with the bristles, I don't know what that's for.
Ross: Oh yeah. Nobody knows. And we're not supposed to ask.
Rachel: What do you think?
Chandler: Very clean.
Monica: Really, it looks great. Oh, I see you moved the green ottoman.
Ross: Uh-oh.
Monica: How did that happen?
Rachel: I don't know. I thought it looked better there. And I, also it's an extra seat around the coffee table.
Monica: Yeah, it's interesting. You know what? Just for fun, let's see what it looked like in the old spot. Just to compare. Ha. Well, it looks good there too. Let's just leave it there for a while.
Phoebe: I can't believe you tried to move the green ottoman.
Chandler: Thank God you didn't try to fan out the magazines. I mean, she'll scratch your eyes right out.
Monica: Guys, I am not that bad!
Phoebe: Yeah, you are, Monica. Remember when I lived with you? You were like a little, you know, whree! Whree! Whree! Whree! Whree! Whree!
Monica: That is so unfair!
Ross: Oh, come on. When we were kids, yours was the only Raggedy Ann Doll that wasn't raggedy.
Monica: OK! So I'm responsible, I'm organized. But hey, I can be a kook.
Ross: All right. You mad cap gal. Try to imagine this. The phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it right away.
Monica: Why not?
Ross: Because you're a kook. Instead you wait until they send you a notice.
Monica: I could do that.
Rachel: OK, OK, then, uh, you let me go grocery shopping.
Monica: No problem.
Rachel: I'm not done yet.
Monica: Oh.
Rachel: And I buy laundry detergent, but it's not the one with the easy pour spout.
Monica: Why would someone do that? One might wonder. But I would be fine with that.
Chandler: Someone's left a glass on the coffee table. There's no coaster. It's a cold drink, it's a hot day. Good old beads of condensation are inching their way closer and closer to the surface of the wood.
Monica: Stop it!! Oh my God. It's true. Who am I?
Ross: Monica? You're Mom.
Monica: Huh!
Phoebe: Whree! Whree! Whree! Whree! Whree!
Joey: Uh-huh, uh-huh. Oh my God. OK! OK, I'll be there. Huh, that was my agent. My agent has just gotten me a job in the new Al Pacino movie!
Phoebe: Kick ass!
Monica: What's the part?
Joey: Can you believe this? Al Pacino!! This guy's the reason I became an actor! I'm out of order? Peah, you're out of order. This whole courtroom's out of order!
Phoebe: Seriously, what's the part?
Joey: Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.
Ross: Come on, seriously, Joey, what's the part?
Joey: Uh... I'm his hlabhgla...
Rachel: You're his blah, blah, what?
Joey: I'm his butt double, OK? I play Al Pacino's butt. All right? He goes into the shower, and then, I'm his butt.
Monica: Oh my God.
Joey: Come on, you guys. This is a real movie. And Al Pacino's in it. And that's big.
Chandler: No, it's terrific. You deserve this. You know, after all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into show business.
Joey: OK, OK. Fine. Make jokes. I don't care. This is a big break for me.
Ross: No, you're right. You're right. It is. So you going to invite us all to the big opening?

Joey knocks on Monica's door furiously.

Monica: All right, all right, all right.
Joey: Hey, I need to borrow some moisturizer.
Monica: For what?
Joey: What do you think? Today's the big day. And you got tweezers? I think I have a rogue hair.
Monica: Oh God. OK, go into the bathroom. Use whatever you want, just don't ever tell me what you did in there.
Joey: Thank you.
Chandler: Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone.
Monica: He's in the bathroom. I don't think you want to go in there.
Chandler: Oh come on. We're roommates. AAAAAHHH! My eyes! My eyes!!
Monica: I warned you.
Rachel: Who is being loud?
Chandler: Oh, that would be Monica. Hey listen. Can I borrow a couple things? Aurora spent the night. I really want to make her breakfast.
Monica: Oh, you got the whole night, huh?
Chandler: Yeah. Well I only have 20 minutes before Ethan, so.
Rachel: Ooh, do I sense a little bit of resentment?
Chandler: No. No. No resentment. Believe me. It's worth it. OK? You know how in a relationship you have these key moments that you know you'll remember for the rest of your life? Well, every single second is like that with Aurora. And I've just wasted about thirty-five of them talking to you people, so. Monica, could you help me with the door?
Monica: Sure. Oh, um, Chandler? You know, the old Monica would remind you to scrub that Teflon pan with a plastic brush. But I'm not going to do that.

Joey is on the set of the Al Pacino movie.

Joey: Excuse me, could you see if they could warm it up in here? I'm a little concerned about goosebumps.
Director: OK, everybody ready?
Joey: Uh, listen, I just want to thank you for this great opportunity. But, I mean, listen, I know this is just a first step. But I hope that someday-
Director: Lose the robe.
Joey: Right. OK. Losing the robe. OK. And the robe is lost.
Director: OK, everybody, I would like to get this in one take, please. Let's roll it. Water's working. And action. And cut. Hey, Butt Guy. What the hell are you doing?
Joey: I'm, I'm showering.
Director: No, that was clenching.
Joey: The way I see it, the guy's upset here, you know? I mean his wife's dead, his brother's missing. I think his butt would be angry here.
Director: I think his butt would like to get the shot before lunch. Once again, rolling. Water working, and action. And cut. What was that?
Joey: I was going for quiet desperation. But, if you have to ask.

Chandler is in bed with Aurora.

Chandler: Oh God, I love these fingers.
Aurora: Thank you.
Chandler: Nah, actually, I meant my fingers. Look at how happy they are.
Aurora: Oh my God. I'm late.
Chandler: Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no. Don't go. Don't go. Don't go.
Aurora: OK. OK. No, I have to.
Chandler: Oh, look at that, she's leaving.
Aurora: I'm sorry. He'll be waiting for me.
Chandler: But, I thought you talked to Rick.
Aurora: It's not Rick.
Chandler: Ethan? He got to spend the whole day with you!
Aurora: No. It's Andrew.
Chandler: I know there'll be many moments in the years to come when I'll regret asking the following question, but, and Andrew is?
Aurora: He's new.
Chandler: Oh, so what you're saying is you're not completely fulfilled by Rick, Ethan, and myself.
Aurora: No, that's not exactly what I was-
Chandler: You know, most women would kill for three guys like us.
Aurora: So what do you want?
Chandler: You.
Aurora: You have me.
Chandler: No, no, no. Just you.
Aurora: What do you mean?
Chandler: Lose the other guys.
Aurora: Like, all of them?
Chandler: Come on. We're great together! Why not?
Aurora: Why can't we just have what we have now? Why can't we just talk, and laugh, and make love without feeling obligated to one another? I mean, up until tonight, I thought that's what you wanted too.
Chandler: Part of me wants that, but it's like I'm two guys, you know. I mean, one guy's saying 'Shut up! This is great!' but there's this other guy. Actually it's the guy who wells up every time the Grinch's heart grows three sizes and breaks that measuring device? He's saying, you know, this is too hard! Get out! Get out!
Aurora: So, which one of the two guys will you listen to?
Chandler: I know I have to listen to both of them. They don't exactly let each other finish.
Aurora: Which one?
Chandler: The second guy.
Aurora: I see. Well, call me if you change your mind.
Chandler: Sorry. The first guy runs the lips.

Chandler is at Monica and Rachel's after dumping Aurora.

Ross: Look at it this way. You dumped her. Right? I mean, this woman was unbelievably sexy, and beautiful, intelligent, unattainable. Tell me why you did this again? Hey.
Phoebe: Hey.
Rachel: Movie star.
Monica: Hey, wait a minute. Aren't you the guy who plays the butt in the new Al Pacino movie?
Joey: Nope.
Ross: No? What happened, big guy?
Chandler: Big guy?
Ross: It felt like a big guy moment.
Joey: I got fired.
Monica: Oh.
Joey: Yeah, they said I acted too much with it. I told everybody about this. Now everyone's going to go to the theater expecting to see me-
Rachel: Joey, you know what? No one is going to be able to tell.
Joey: My mom will.
Chandler: There is something so sweet, and disturbing about that.
Joey: You know, I've done nothing but crappy plays for six years, and I finally get my shot, and I blow it.
Monica: Maybe this wasn't your shot.
Ross: Yeah, I think when it's your shot, you, you know it's your shot. Did it feel like your shot?
Joey: Hard to tell, I was naked.
Phoebe: I don't think this was your shot. I mean, I don't even think you just get one shot. I really believe big things are going to happen for you. I do, and you've just got to keep thinking about the day that some kid is going to run up to his friends and go, 'I got the part! I got the part! I'm going to be Joey Tribbiani's ass!'
Joey: Hey. That's so nice!
Monica: I'm sorry, Joey. I'm going to go to bed, guys.
Ross: Good night.
Chandler: Good night, Monica.
Rachel: Mon? You going to leave your shoes out here?
Monica: Uh-huh.
Rachel: Really? Just, just casually strewn about in that reckless, haphazard manner?
Monica: Doesn't matter. I'll get them tomorrow. Or, not. Whenever.
Ross: She is a kook.

Monica is in bed unable to sleep.

Monica Thinking: If it bothers you that much, just go out and get the shoes. No. Don't do this. This is stupid. I don't have to prove anything. I'm going to go get them. But then, everyone will know. Unless, I get them, and then wake up really early and put them back. I need help!

Everyone's sitting around in the living room, when Phoebe starts singing the song from Freud! Pretty soon, everyone joins in.