Phoebe: Hi guys.
Ross: Hey, oh, hey, how did it go?
Phoebe: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said, 'we should do this again.'
All (except Rachel and Phoebe): Oh...
Rachel: What? He said we should do it again, that's good right?
Monica: Uh, no. Loosely translated, 'we should do this again' means 'you will never see me naked.'
Rachel: Since when?
Joey: Since always. It's like dating language, you know, like, 'it's not you' means 'it is you.'
Phoebe: Or, or, you know, um 'I think we should see other people' means 'ha ha I already am.'
Rachel: And everybody knows this.
Joey: Oh yeah, cushions the blow.
Chandler: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.
Ross: That's funny, that's, no, what, because our parents actually did send our dog off to live on a farm.
Monica: Uh, Ross..
Ross: Wha- Hello! The Millner's farm in Connecticut, the Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, that they had horses, and rabbits that he could chase and it, it w- Oh my God! Chichi!

Chandler is helping Joey read his lines for an audition.

Chandler: So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?
Joey: Warden, in five minutes, my pain will be over. But you're left to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die.
Chandler: Hey, that was really good.
Joey: Yeah? Thanks! Let's keep going.
Chandler: OK. So, what do you want from me Damon? Huh?!
Joey: I just want to go back to my cell cause in my cell I can smoke.
Chandler: Smoke away! I think this is probably why Damon smokes in his cell, alone.
Joey: What?
Chandler: Relax your hand. Let your wrist go. Not so much.
Joey: Oh.
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: All right, now try taking a puff. Right. OK, no, give it to me.
Joey: No, no, no. I'm not giving you a cigarette.
Chandler: It's fine. Look, do you want to get this part or not? Here. Now. Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that has been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete.
Joey: You miss it?
Chandler: No, not so much. All right, now we smoke. Oh my God!

Monica and the boys are hanging out at Central Perk.

Monica: No, no, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger.
Joey: That's ridiculous!
Ross: Can I use either thumb?
Rachel: All right, don't tell me, don't tell me! Decaf cappuccino for Joey, coffee black, latte, and an iced tea! I'm getting pretty good at this!
Ross: Excellent.
Rachel: Good for me!

Phoebe comes in muttering.

Joey: You OK, Phoebe?
Phoebe: Yeah! No I'm just, it's not even worth it. It's my bank.
Monica: What did they do to you?
Phoebe: It's nothing, it's just. OK, I'm going through my mail and I open up their monthly you know, statement!
Ross: Easy.
Phoebe: And there's 500 extra dollars in my account.
Chandler: Ugh. Satan's minions at work again.
Phoebe: Well, yeah, cause now I have to go down there and deal with them!
Joey: What are you talking about? Keep it!
Phoebe: It's not mine. I didn't earn it. If I kept it, it would be like stealing!
Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping.
Phoebe: OK, OK. Let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear with every step I took? Not mine, not mine, not mine. And even if I was happy, OK, and skipping, I would hear, not-not mine, not-not mine.
Monica: We're with you. We got it.
Phoebe: OK. I'd just never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt.
Monica: Chandler, what are you doing? Hey, what are you doing?
Ross: What is this?
Chandler: I'm smoking, I'm smoking, I'm smoking.
Ross: Hold on a second all right. Just think about what you went through the last time you tried to quit.
Chandler: All right, so this time, I won't quit. All right, I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out.
Phoebe: Oh no! I can't drink this now.
Monica: All right. I'm going to go change. I've got a date.
Rachel: With Alan again? How's it going?
Monica: It's going pretty good you know. Nice, we're having fun.
Joey: So when do we get to meet the guy?
Ross: Yeah.
Monica: Let's see today's Monday. Never. No! No! Not after what happened with Steve.
Chandler: What are you talking about? We loved Steve! Steve was sexy!

Monica is at work.

Monica: I mean why should I let them meet him? I mean I bring a guy home and within five minutes they're all over him. I mean they're like coyote, picking off the weak members of the herd.
Paula: Come on, now. They're your friends. They're just looking out after you.
Monica: I just wish once I'd bring a guy home they actually liked.
Paula: Well, you do realize that the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy.

Joey and Ross are hanging out at Monica and Rachel's.

Joey: Let it go, Ross.
Ross: Yeah, well you didn't know Chichi!
Monica: You all promise?
Ross: Yeah we promise. We'll be good.
Monica: Chandler? Do you promise to be good?
Joey: You can come in, but your filthy-tipped little buddy has to stay outside! Hey Phebes.
Phoebe: Dear Ms. Buffay, Thank you for calling attention to our error, we have credited your account $500. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you will accept this football phone as our free gift. Do you believe this?! Now I have $1,000 and a football phone!
Rachel: What bank is this?
Monica: OK, that's him. Who is it?
Alan: Alan.
Joey: Chandler! He's here!
Monica: OK, please be good. Please. I mean, just remember how much you all like me. Hi, Alan. This is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan.
Alan: Hi.
All: Hi.
Alan: I've heard so much about all of you guys.
Monica: Thanks, I'll call you tomorrow. Good night. OK, OK, let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's going to take the first shot? Hmm? Come on!
Ross: I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at- you know, I'm sorry, I can't do this. Can't do it, we loved him.
All: We loved him!
Monica: Wait a minute. We're talking about someone that I'm going out with?
All: Yes!
Joey: You know what was great? The way his smile was kind of crooked.
Phoebe: Yes! Like the man in the shoe.
Ross: What shoe?
Phoebe: From a nursery rhyme. There was a crooked man who had a crooked smile who lived in a shoe for a while...
Ross: So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured.
Rachel: What future boyfriends? No, no, I think this could be, you know.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Yeah, I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhoff impression.. Hello. You know I'm going to be doing that at parties right?
Ross: You know what I like most about him though?
All: What?
Ross: The way he makes me feel about myself.
All: Yeah.

Rachel, Ross, Chandler, and Joey come to Central Perk after their softball game.

Monica: Hi. How was the game?
Ross: Well...
All: We won!
Monica: Fantastic. I have one question. How is that possible?
Joey: Alan.
Ross: He was unbelievable. He was like that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, but instead of Bugs, it was first base Alan, second base Alan.
Rachel: I mean it was like, he made us into a team.
Chandler: Yep, we sure showed those Acidic Jewelers a thing or two about softball.
Ross: Nice!
Monica: Can I ask you guys a question? Do you ever think that Alan is maybe, sometimes-
Ross: What?
Monica: I don't know, a little too Alan?
Rachel: Oh, no that's impossible! He could never be "too" Alan.
Ross: Yeah, it's his innate Alanness that we adore.
Chandler: I personally could have a gallon of Alan.

Phoebe is visiting a homeless person named Lizzy.

Phoebe: Hey Lizzy.
Lizzy: Hey weird girl.
Phoebe: I brought you alphabet soup.
Lizzy: Did you take out the vowels?
Phoebe: Yes, but I left in the Y, cause you know, sometimes why. Um, I also have something else for you.
Lizzy: Saltines?
Phoebe: No, but would you like a $1,000 and a football phone?
Lizzy: What? Oh my God, oh my God, there's really money in here.
Phoebe: I know.
Lizzy: Weird girl, what are you doing?
Phoebe: No, I want you to have it. I don't want it.
Lizzy: No, no, I have to give you something.
Phoebe: No, it's fine. You don't-
Lizzy: Do you want my tin foil hat?
Phoebe: No, cause you need that. No, it's okay, thanks.
Lizzy: Please, let me do something.
Phoebe: OK, all right, I'll tell you what. You buy me a soda and then we're even. OK?
Lizzy: OK.
Phoebe: OK.

Chandler is hiding his smoking habit at work and accidentally sprays air freshener in his mouth.

Phoebe and Lizzie are buying soda.

Lizzy: Keep the change.
Phoebe: Thanks, Lizzy.
Lizzie: Sure you don't want a pretzel?
Phoebe: No, I'm fine, thanks.
Lizzy: See ya.
Phoebe: Huh.

Phoebe goes to Central Perk.

Ross: A thumb?!
All: Ew!
Phoebe: I know, I know. I opened it up and there it was just floating in there like this tiny little hitchhiker.
All: Aw, come on, don't do that.
Rachel: It's worse than the thumb.
Chandler: Hey, this is so unfair.
Phoebe: Oh!
Monica: Why is it unfair?
Chandler: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle cracking isn't annoying?! And Ross with his over-pronouncing every single word, and Monica with that snort when she laughs, I mean, what the hell is that thing? I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this?!
Joey: Does the knuckle cracking bother everybody?
Rachel: Well, I could live without it.
Joey: Huh, well is it like a little annoying or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair?
Ross: Oh, now don't listen to him Phebes. All right, I think it's endearing.
Joey: Oh, you do, do you?
Ross: You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly.
Rachel: Indeed there isn't. I should really get back to work.
Phoebe: Yeah, otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered.
Rachel: Oh! The hair comes out and the gloves come off.

Everyone starts yelling and Chandler walks away with his cigarette, laughing to himself.

Monica is at work talking to Paula.

Monica: Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like?
Paula: What? Are we talking about the coyotes here? All right! A cow got through!
Monica: Can you believe it? It's just, you know what? I just don't feel the thing. I mean they feel the thing, I don't feel the thing.
Paula: Honey, you should always feel the thing. Listen if that's how you feel about the guy, Monica, dump him!
Monica: I know, it's just going to be really hard.
Paula: Yeah, he's a big boy, he'll get over it.
Monica: No, he'll be fine! It's the other five I'm worried about.

Joey and Ross are trying to get Chandler to quit smoking.

Joey: Do you have any respect for your body?
Ross: Don't you realize what you're doing to yourself?
Chandler: Hey, you know what? I have had it with you guys and your cancer, and your emphysema, and your heart disease. The bottom line is smoking is cool and you know it!
Rachel: Chandler? It's Alan, he wants to speak to you.
Chandler: Really? He does? Hey buddy, what's up? Oh, she told you about that, huh? Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it's not that bi- well, that's true. Gee you know, no one's ever put it like that before. Well, OK, thanks.

Ross, Chandler, Phoebe and Rachel are at Monica and Rachel's watching TV.

Chandler: Oh, Lamb Chop. How old is that sock?! If I had a sock on my hand for 30 years, it'd be talking too!
Ross: OK, I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch.
Monica comes home.
Monica: Where's Joey?
Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him.
Rachel: I think he's across the hall.
Monica: Thanks.
Ross: There you go.
Chandler: Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now.
Ross: Hey, Phebes, are you going to have the rest of that Pop-Tart? Phebes?
Phoebe: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?
Ross: Hey, I might!
Phoebe: I'm sorry. You know those stupid soda people gave me $7,000 for the thumb.
Ross: Oh my God.
Rachel: Are you kidding me?
Phoebe: And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. What is up with the universe?

Monica brings Joey in.
Joey: What's going on?
Monica: Nothing! I just think it's nice when we're all here together.
Joey: It's even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear.
Rachel: Uh, Joey.
Joey: Oh, ah.
Monica: Oh, OK.
All: Oh, hey, Lamb Chop.
Monica: Guys, please, we have to talk.
Phoebe: Wait, I'm getting a deja vu. No, I'm not.
Monica: All right, we have to talk.
Phoebe: There it is!
Monica: OK, it's about Alan. There's something you should know. Oh man, there's really no easy way to say this. Um, I've decided to break up with Alan.
Ross: Is there somebody else?
Monica: No, no, no, no, it's just, things change. People change.
Rachel: We didn't change.
Joey: It's over? Just like that?
Monica: I could go on pretending.
Joey: OK!
Monica: No! It wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't be fair to Alan, it wouldn't be fair to you!
Ross: Yeah, well who wants fair! I mean, I just want things back, you know, the way they were.
Monica: I'm sorry.
Chandler: Oh, she's sorry! I feel better!
Rachel: I just can't believe this. I mean with the holidays coming up. I wanted him to meet my family.
Monica: I'll meet someone else. There'll be other Alans!
All: No.
Rachel: Oh, yeah right!

Monica goes to break up with Alan.

Alan: Wow.
Monica: I'm really sorry.
Alan: Yeah, I'm sorry too. But I got to tell you, I'm a little relieved.
Monica: Relieved?
Alan: Yeah, well, I mean I had a great time with you, I just can't stand your friends.

The friends are dealing with the "break-up."

Rachel: Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats? That was fun.
Ross: Yeah. He could row like a Viking.