Monica: What you guys don't understand is, kissing is just as important as any part of it.
Joey: Yeah, right. Serious?
Phoebe: Oh yeah.
Rachel: Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.
Monica: Absolutely.
Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, you know, I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
Ross: Yeah, and, and, it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's just that, that's not why we bought the ticket.
Chandler: You see the problem is though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again. You know, with cars, fighting traffic, basically, just trying to stay awake.
Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice, bring back the comedian, otherwise next time, you are going to find yourself sitting at home listening to that album alone.
Joey: Are we still talking about sex?

OPENING CREDITS

Ross is at work at the Museum of Prehistoric History.

Ross: No, it's good, it is good, it's just that um, doesn't she seem a little angry?
Marsha: Well, she has issues.
Ross: Does she?
Marsha: He's out banging other women over the head with a club while she sits at home trying to get the mastodon smell out of the carpet.
Ross: Marsha, these are cave people. OK? They have issues like, gee, that glacier's getting kind of close. See?
Marsha: Speaking of issues, isn't that your ex-wife?
Ross: My-? No, no.
Marsha: Yes it is. Carol, hi!
Ross: OK, yes, yes it is. How about I'll catch up with you in the Ice Age? Hi.
Carol: Hi. So.
Ross: You look great.
Carol: Thanks, you look good too.
Ross: Ah well, in here anyone who stands erect. So what's new? Still a-
Carol: A lesbian?
Ross: Well? You never know. How's um, how's the family?
Carol: Marty's still totally paranoid. Oh, and that's-
Ross: Why are you here?
Carol: I'm pregnant.
Ross: Pregnant.

Chandler, Phoebe and Joey are watching TV in Monica and Rachel's apartment.

TV: Looks like she didn't leave in such a hurry after all!
Chandler: Oh, I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding.
Phoebe: Then I've already seen this one.
Monica: Are you through with that?
Joey: Yeah, sorry, the swallowing slowed me down.
Monica: Whose little ball of paper is this?
Chandler: That would be mine. See I wrote a note to myself, and then I realized I didn't need the note, so I balled it up and now I wish I was dead.
Phoebe: She already fluffed that pillow. Monica, you know you already fluffed- but it's fine.
Monica: Look I'm sorry guys. I just don't want to give them any more ammunition than they already have.
Chandler: Yes, and we all know how cruel a parent can be about the flatness of a child's pillow.
Phoebe: Monica, hi! Um, Monica, um, you're scaring me. I mean, you're like all chaotic and twirly, you know, and I mean, not in a good way.
Joey: Yeah, calm down. I mean you don't see Ross getting all chaotic and twirly every time they come.
Monica: That's because as far as my parents are concerned, Ross can do no wrong.
Chandler: Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!
Monica: What?
Chandler: Ugly naked guy got a Thigh master.

Rachel comes out of her bedroom.

Rachel: Has anyone seen my engagement ring?
Phoebe: Yeah, it's beautiful.
Rachel: Oh God, oh God, oh God.
Phoebe: No, don't touch that.
Rachel: Oh, isn't tomorrow enough, I mean to give it back to him. Hi remember me, I'm the girl in the veil who stomped on your heart in front of your entire family. Oh God, and now I'm going to have to return the ring without the ring, which makes it so much harder.
Monica: Easy Rach. We'll find it. Won't we?
Joey: Oh.
Chandler: Yeah.
Joey: All right, when did you have it on last?
Phoebe: Doi. Probably right before she lost it.
Chandler: You don't get a lot of doi these days.
Rachel: I know I had it this morning, I know I had it when I was in the kitchen with-
Chandler: Dinah?
Rachel: Oh, don't be mad.
Monica: You didn't.
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry.
Monica: I gave you one job! Uh!
Rachel: Oh, but look how straight those noodles are!
Chandler: Well, Monica, you know that's not how you look for an engagement ring in a lasagna.
Monica: I just can't do it.
Chandler: Boys, we're going in.

Ross knocks on the door.

Ross: Hi.
Monica: Oh, that is not a happy "hi."
Ross: Carol's pregnant.
Phoebe: Ooh! I found it!
Monica: Wh- wh- wh- wha- we-
Ross: Yeah. Do that for another two hours, you might be where I am right now.
Chandler: Kind of puts that whole pillow thing into perspective, huh Mon?
Rachel: Well, now how do you fit into this whole thing?
Ross: Well, Carol says she and Susan want me to be involved. But if I'm not comfortable with it, I don't have to be involved. Basically it's totally up to me.
Phoebe: She is so great. I miss her.
Monica: What does she mean by involved?
Chandler: I mean, presumably, the biggest part of your job is done.
Ross: Anyway, they want me to go down to this sonogram thing tomorrow.
Rachel: So what are you going to do?
Ross: I have no idea. No matter what I do, though, I'm still going to be a father.
Joey: Well, this is still ruined, right?

The Gellers are over to visit Monica and Ross.

Mrs. Geller: Oh, Martha Ludwin's daughter is going to call you. Mmm, what's that curry taste?
Monica: Curry.
Mrs. Geller: Mmmmm.
Ross: I think they're great. I really do.
Mr. Geller: You remember the Ludwins? The big one had a thing for you, didn't she?
Mrs. Geller: They all had a thing for him!
Ross: Oh, Mom.
Monica: I'm sorry. Why is this girl going to call me?
Mrs. Geller: Oh, she just graduated. And she wants to be something in cooking, food, or I don't know. Anyway I told her you had a restaurant-
Monica: No, Mom, I don't have a restaurant, I work in a restaurant.
Mrs. Geller: Well, they don't have to know that.
Monica: Ross, could you come and help me with the spaghetti please?
Ross: Yes.
Mrs. Geller: Oh, we're having spaghetti? That's easy.
Monica: I know this is going to sound unbelievably selfish on my part, but were you planning on bringing up the whole baby, lesbian thing? Because I think it might take some of the heat off me.
Mrs. Geller: What that Rachel did to her life, we ran into her parents at the club, they were not playing very well.
Mr. Geller: Yeah, I'm not going to tell you what they spent on that wedding, but $40,000 is a lot of money.
Mrs. Geller: Well at least she had the chance to leave a man at the altar.
Mr. Geller: Don't listen to your mother. You're independent and you always have been! Even when you were a kid, and you were chubby, and you had no friends, you were just fine! There are people, like Ross, who need to shoot for the stars. With his museum, and his papers getting published. Other people are satisfied with staying where they are. I'm telling you, these are the people who never get cancer. And I read about these women trying to have it all, and I thank God our little HarMonica doesn't seem to have that problem.
Monica: So Ross, what's going on with you? Any stories, no news, no little anecdotes to share with the folks?
Ross: Okay, okay. Look I uh- I realize you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol and me and so well, here's the deal. Carol's a lesbian. She's living with a woman named Susan. She's pregnant with my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby.
Mrs. Geller: And you knew about this?

Monica and Ross are at Central Perk hanging out with everyone after their parents have gone home.

Joey: Folks are really that bad, huh?
Ross: Well, you know, these people are pros. They know what they're doing, they take their time, they get the job done.
Monica: I know they say you can't change your parents, but boy if you could, I'd want yours.
Ross: Must pee.
Phoebe: You know it's even worse when you're twins.
Rachel: You're a twin?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, we don't speak. She's like this high powered, driven, career type.
Chandler: What does she do?
Phoebe: She's a waitress.
Rachel: All right you guys, I kind of got to clean up now.
Monica: Chandler, you're an only child right? You didn't have any of this.
Chandler: Well, no, although I did have an imaginary friend who my parents actually preferred.

The gang except for Ross and Rachel leave.

Ross: How long was I in there?
Rachel: I'm just cleaning up.
Ross: Oh, um, you need any help?
Rachel: Okay, sure.
Ross: Anyway, so, you nervous about Barry tomorrow?
Rachel: A little, a lot. So, got any advice? You know, as someone who has recently been dumped?
Ross: Well, you may want to steer clear of the word "dumped." Chances are he's going to be this broken shell of a man, you know, so try not to look too terrific, I know it'll be hard. Oh, or hey you know, I'll go down there and I'll give Barry back his ring and you can go with Carol and Susan to the OBGYnnnnn...
Rachel: Oh, you've got Carol tomorrow! When did it get so complicated? Remember when we were in high school together?
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: I mean didn't you think you were just going to meet someone, fall in love and that would be it. Ross?
Ross: Yes, yes.
Rachel: Uh, man. I never thought I'd be here.
Ross: Me neither.

Ross goes to the hospital for Carol's sonogram.

Ross: Hi. Sorry I'm late, I got stuck at work. It's this big dinosaur thing, anyway.
Susan: Hi.
Carol: Ross, you remember Susan.
Ross: How could I forget?
Susan: Ross.
Ross: Susan. Good shake. Good shake. So we're just waiting for?
Carol: Dr. Oberman.
Ross: Dr. Oberman. Okay, and is he-
Susan: She.
Ross: She, of course, she, she familiar with our special situation?
Carol: Yes and she's very supportive.
Ross: Great, okay, that's great. No, I'm... oh. Quack, quack, quack.
Carol: Ross, that opens my cervix.

Rachel goes to the orthodontist's office to give the ring back to Barry.

Rachel: Barry?
Barry: Come on in.
Rachel: Are you sure?
Barry: It's fine, it's fine, Robbie's going to be here for hours.
Robbie: Huh?
Barry: So. How you doing?
Rachel: I'm, I'm okay. You look great.
Barry: Yeah, well.
Intercom: Dr. Farber. Jason Greenspan's gagging.
Barry: Be right there. Be back in a second.
Rachel: I dumped him.
Robbie: Okay.

Ross is nervous and fidgeting.

Ross: So how's this going to work? You know, with us. You know when, like, important decisions have to be made?
Carol: Give me a for instance.
Ross: How about with the uh- baby's name?
Carol: Marlin.
Ross: Marlin?
Carol: If it's a boy, Minnie, if it's a girl.
Ross: As in Mouse?
Carol: As in my grandmother.
Ross: Still, you say Minnie, you hear Mouse. Well, how about, um, how about Julia?
Carol: Julia.
Susan: We agreed on Minnie.
Ross: It's funny, we agreed we'd spend the rest of our lives together, things change, roll with the punches. I believe Julia's on the table?

Rachel is quickly trying to put makeup on.

Barry: Uh. Sorry about that. So. What have you been up to?
Rachel: Not much. I got a job.
Barry: Hey, that's great.
Rachel: Why, why are you so tan?
Barry: Oh, yeah, I went to Aruba.
Rachel: Oh no. You went on our honeymoon alone?
Barry: No. I went with uh- now this may hurt.
Robbie: Me?
Barry: No. I went with Mindy.
Rachel: Mindy?! My maid of honor, Mindy?!
Barry: Yeah, well, we're kind of a thing now.
Rachel: Well, uh... you got plugs!
Barry: Careful, careful, they haven't quite taken yet.
Rachel: And you got lenses. But you hate sticking your finger in your eye.
Barry: Not for her.
Rachel: Oh.
Barry: Listen, I, I really wanted to thank you.
Rachel: Ok!
Barry: See about a month ago, I wanted to hurt you. More than I've ever wanted to hurt anyone in my life. And I'm an orthodontist.
Rachel: Wow.
Barry: You know you were right? I mean, I thought we were happy. We weren't happy. But with Mindy, now I'm happy. Spit.
Rachel: What?
Robbie: Me.
Rachel: Anyway, um, I guess uh- I guess this belongs to you. Thank you for giving it to me.
Barry: Well, thank you for giving it back.
Robbie: Hello!

Ross is in a fight with Susan over the baby's name.

Susan: Oh, please, what's wrong with Helen?
Ross: Helen Gellar? I don't think so.
Carol: Hello? It's not going to be Helen Gellar.
Ross: Thank you.
Carol: No, I mean, it's not Gellar.
Ross: Wh- what it's going to be Helen Willik?
Carol: No actually, we talked about Helen Willik-Bunch.
Ross: When is, why is she in the title?
Susan: Because it's my baby too.
Ross: Wh- is- funny, I don't remember you making any sperm.
Susan: Yeah, and we all know what a challenge that is.
Carol: All right you two stop it.
Ross: No, she gets credit, hey, I'm in there too.
Carol: Ross, you're not actually suggesting Helen Willik-Bunch-Gellar, because I think that borders on child abuse.
Ross: Of course not, I'm suggesting Gellar-Willik-Bunch.
Susan: Oh, no, no, no, you see what he's doing. He knows no one's going to say all those names, he knows they'll wind up calling them Gellar, then he gets his way.
Ross: My way? You think this is my way?
Susan: Yes.
Ross: Believe me, of all the ways I ever imagined this moment in my life being, this is not my- you know what? This is too hard, I can't-
Dr. Oberman: Knock, knock. How are we today? Any nausea?
Ross: Yeah.
Susan: Just a little.
Carol: Yeah.
Dr. Oberman: Well, I was just wondering about the mother to be, but uh thanks for sharing. Lie back.
Ross: You know what? I'm going to go. I don't think I can be involved in this particular family. Oh my God!
Susan: Look at that.
Carol: I know!

The gang are in Monica and Rachel's apartment looking at the sonogram.