Monica: There's nothing to tell! Just some guy I work with!
Joey: Come on! You're going out with the guy. There's got to be something wrong with him.
Chandler: All right, Joey, be nice. So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?
Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk? Just cause I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl. Oh.
Monica: OK, everybody, relax. Relax. This is not even a date. It's not. It's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex.
Chandler: Sounds like a date to me. All right, so back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria and I realize I am totally naked. Then I look down and I realize there is a phone... there.
Joey: Instead of?
Chandler: That's right! All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do, everybody starts looking at me.
Monica: They weren't looking at you before?
Chandler: Finally I figure, I better answer it. And it turns out it's my mother. Which is very, very weird because she never calls me.

Ross has joined the gang, and is in a terrible mood.

Ross: Hi.
Joey: This guy says 'hello,' I want to kill myself.
Monica: Are you OK, sweetie?
Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth, and tied it around my neck.
Chandler: Cookie?
Monica: Carol moved her stuff out today. Let me get you some coffee.
Ross: Thanks. No, no, don't. Stop cleansing my aura. No, just leave my aura alone, OK?
Phoebe: Fine! Be murky.
Ross: I'll be fine. All right? Really everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.
Monica: No you don't.
Ross: No I don't. To hell with her. She left me.
Joey: You never knew she was a lesbian.
Ross: NO!! OK?!! Why does everyone keep fixating on that??! She didn't know! How should I know?!
Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. Did I say that out loud?
Ross: I told Mom and Dad last night, they, they seemed to take it pretty well.
Monica: Oh really? So that hysterical phone call I got from a woman sobbing at 3 AM, 'I'll never have grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren' was what? A wrong number?
Ross: Sorry.
Joey: All right, Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is? Strip joints!! Come on, you're single! Have some hormones.
Ross: See, but I don't want to be single, OK? I just, I just, I just want to be married again.

Rachel comes into Central Perk in a wedding dress.

Chandler: And I just want a million dollars.
Monica: Rachel?
Rachel: Huh! Oh God, Monica, hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren't there, and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here, and you are! You are!
Waitress: Can I get you some coffee?
Monica: Decaf. Hey, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. This is everybody. This is Chandler, and Phoebe, and, and Joey, and you remember my brother Ross?
Rachel: Sure.
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Ah!
Monica: So you want to tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?
Rachel: Oh God, well. It started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in this room where we were keeping all the presents and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous, Lemoze gravy boat. When all of a sudden I realize, Sweet n' Low? I realized, I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out. And then that's when it hit me. How much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. You know? I mean, I always knew he looked familiar, but anyway, I just had to get out of there. And I started wondering why am I doing this and who am I doing this for? So anyway, I just didn't know where to go and I know that you and I have kind of drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city.
Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding.
Rachel: Oh, I was kind of hoping that wouldn't be an issue.

The gang are watching the Spanish Channel on TV up in Monica's apartment. They are adding their own dialog to the show. Rachel is on the phone with her father.

Monica: I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it.
Chandler: Tuna or egg salad?! Decide!
Ross: I'll have whatever Christine is having!
Rachel: Daddy, I just. I can't marry him. I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Uh! Well it matters to me!
Phoebe: If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off.
Chandler: Ooh, she should not be wearing those pants.
Joey: I say push her down the stairs. Push her down the stairs!
Rachel: Come on, Daddy! Listen to me! It's like, it's like all of my life, everyone has always told me, you're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe! And then today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't want to be a shoe?' What if I want to be a purse? You know, or a hat? No, I don't want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying that I am a hat. It's a metaphor, Daddy!!
Ross: I can see where he had trouble.
Rachel: Look, Daddy. It's my life. Well, maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.
Monica: Well, I guess we've established she's staying here with Monica.
Rachel: Well, maybe that's my decision. Ugh. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait! Wait! I said maybe.
Monica: OK, just breathe. Breathe. That's it. Just try to think of nice calm things.
Phoebe: singing: Raindrops on roses, and whiskers on kittens. Doorbells and sleigh bells, and something with mittens. La-la-la, and something, and noodles with string, these are a-
Rachel: I'm all better now.
Phoebe: I helped!
Monica: OK, look, this is probably for the best, you know? Independence. Taking control of your life. The whole hat thing.
Joey: And hey. You need anything, you can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live right across the hall. And he's away a lot.
Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her. It's her wedding day!
Joey: What? Like there's a rule or something?

The door buzzes.

Chandler: I got it. Please don't do that again. It's a horrible sound.
Paul: It's Paul.
Monica: Oh God! Is it 6:30? Buzz him in!
Joey: Who's Paul?
Ross: Paul, the wine guy, Paul?
Monica: Maybe.
Joey: Wait a minute. Your "not a real date tonight" is with Paul, the wine guy?
Ross: He finally asked you out?
Monica: Yes!
Chandler: Oh, this is a 'dear, diary' moment.
Monica: Rach, wait, I can cancel.
Rachel: Oh God! Please! No! Go. I'll be fine.
Monica: Ross, are you OK? I mean, do you want me to stay?
Ross: That'd be good.
Monica: Really?
Ross: No! Go on! It's Paul the wine guy!
Phoebe: What does that mean? Does he sell it, drink it, or he just complains a lot?
Monica: Hi. Come in. Paul, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Paul.
Joey: Wine guy.
Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?
Monica: OK, I'll be right back. I just got to go, uh, go uh...
Ross: Wandering?
Monica: Change. OK, sit down. Two seconds.
Ross: Mouths to Monica: Tall. Good.
Phoebe: Ooh! I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.
Joey: Hey Paul.
Paul: Yeah?
Joey: Here's a little tip. She really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over and over again until it starts to get red.
Monica: Shut up, Joey!
Ross: So, Rachel. What are you, uh, what are you up to tonight?
Rachel: Well, I was kind of supposed to be headed to Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing.
Ross: Right. You're not even getting your honeymoon. God. No. No. Aruba. This time of year? Talk about your big lizards. Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, uh, Joey and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my new furniture.
Chandler: Yes, and we're very excited about it.
Rachel: No. Actually, thanks, I think I'm just going to hang out here tonight, it's been a long day.
Ross: Oh, sure, OK. Sure.
Joey: Hey Phoebes, you want to help?
Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.

Phoebe is playing her guitar to make a buck down in the subway station.

Phoebe: Singing: Love is sweet as summer showers, love is a wondrous work of art. But your love, oh your love, your love, is like a giant pigeon crapping on my heart. La-la-la-la. Thank you! La-la-la-la-ooh.

The guys are putting Ross's furniture together.

Ross: I'm supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little worm guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no worm guys whatsoever, and I cannot feel my legs.
Joey: I'm thinking we got a bookcase here.
Chandler: It's a beautiful thing.
Joey: What's this?
Chandler: I would have to say that is an L-shaped bracket.
Which goes where?
Chandler: I have no idea.
Joey: Done with the bookcase!
Chandler: All finished!
Ross: This was Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known.
Joey: Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. If you're going to start with that stuff, we're out of here.
Chandler: Yes, please don't spoil all this fun.
Joey: Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV, what did you get?
Ross: You guys.
Chandler: Oh God.
Joey: You got screwed.
Chandler: Oh my God.

Monica and Paul are on their date.

Monica: Oh my God!
Paul: I know, I know. I am such an idiot. Guess I should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth get?
Monica: My brother's going through that right now. He's such a mess. How did you get through it?
Paul: Well, he might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers. Say her...
Monica: Leg?
Paul: That's one way to do it. Me, I, I went for the watch.
Monica: You actually broke her watch? Wow. The worst thing I ever did was I shredded my old boyfriend's favorite bath towel.
Paul: Ooh. Steer clear of you.
Monica: That's right.

Rachel is at her apartment calling Barry.

Rachel: Barry, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I know you probably think this is about what I said the other night about you making love with your socks on, but it isn't. It isn't. It's about me, and I did- Ooh. Hi! Machine cut me off again! Anyway, look. Look. I know that some girl is going to be incredibly lucky to become Mrs. Barry Finkle, but it isn't me. It's not me. And I, not that I have any idea who me is right now, but you just have to give me a chance to- Uh!

Ross is whining about Carol, while Joey and Chandler are trying to put the rest of Ross's furniture together.

Ross: I'm divorced! I'm only 26, and I'm divorced!
Joey: Shut up!
Chandler: You must, you must stop!
Ross: That only took me an hour.
Chandler: Ross, you've got to understand, between us, there hasn't been a relationship that lasted longer than a Mento! You however, have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out and that is why we don't do it! I don't think that was my point.
Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, you know? I mean, what if you get one woman, and that's it? Unfortunately, in my case, there was only one woman for her.
Joey: What are you talking about??! One woman. That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing Cherry Vanilla. You could get them with Jimmy's or nuts, whipped cream. This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married. You were like what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon.
Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
Chandler: Stay out of my freezer.

Monica and Paul have gotten their food and are talking.

Paul: Ever, ever since she walked out on me, I...
Monica: What? What, what? You want to spell it out with noodles?
Paul: No, no, no. It's more of a fifth date kind of revelation.
Monica: Oh, so, there is going to be a fifth date?
Paul: Isn't there?
Monica: Yeah. Yeah, I think there is. What were you going to say?
Paul: Well, ever since she left me, I haven't been able to uh, perform sexually.
Monica: Oh God, oh God. I am so, I am so sorry.
Paul: It's OK.
Monica: I know being spit on is probably not what you need right now. Oh, um. How long?
Paul: Two years.
Monica: Wow. I'm glad you smashed her watch.
Paul: Do you still think you, um, might want that fifth date?
Monica: Yeah. Yeah I do.

Rachel is watching Happy Days, where unfortunately, they are playing a wedding episode.

Rachel: Oh. See. But Joni loved Cha-chi. That's the difference.

Ross is still whining.

Ross: Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it's been since I grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything to you?
Joey: Great story. But, uh, I got to go. I got a date with Andrea. Angela. Andrea. Oh man.
Chandler: Andrea's the screamer, Angela has cats.
Joey: OK. Thanks. It's Julie. I'm out of here.
Ross: You know, here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough to ask a woman out, who am I going to ask?

Rachel has made coffee for Chandler and Joey.

Rachel: Isn't this amazing? I mean, I have never made coffee before in my entire life.
Chandler: That is amazing.
Joey: Congratulations.
Rachel: Yeah. Well I figure, if I can make coffee, there isn't anything I can't do.
Chandler: No, I think it's if I can invade Poland, there isn't anything I can't do.
Joey: Listen, while you're on a roll, if you feel like you got to make a Western omelet or something. Although actually, I'm really not that hungry, Rachel.

Monica comes out of her bedroom.

Monica: Oh good. Lenny and Squiggy are here.
Rachel: Morning.
Monica: Morning.
Joey: Morning.
Paul: Morning.
Joey: Morning, Paul.
Rachel: Hello, Paul.
Chandler: Hi, Paul, is it?
Paul: Thank you. Thank you so much!
Monica: Would you stop.
Paul: No, I'm telling you. Last night was like all my birthdays, both graduations, plus the barn raising scene in Witness.
Monica: We'll talk later.
Paul: Come here. Thank you.
Joey: That wasn't a real date. What the hell do you do on a real date?
Monica: Shut up and put my table back.
Chandler: All right, kids. I got to get to work. If I don't input those numbers, it doesn't make much of a difference.
Rachel: So like, you guys all have jobs?
Monica: Yeah, we all have jobs. See, that's how we buy stuff.
Joey: Yeah, I'm an actor.
Rachel: Wow, would I have seen you in anything?
Joey: Oh, I doubt it. Mostly regional work.
Monica: Oh hey! Unless you happen to catch the wee one's production of Pinocchio at the little theater in
the park.
Joey: It was a job, all right?
Chandler: Look, Geppetto, I'm a real live boy!
Joey: I will not take this abuse.
Chandler: You're right. I'm sorry. Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy!
Joey: You should both know that he's a dead man. Oh Chandler?
Monica: So how you doing today? You sleep OK? Did you talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling.
Rachel: I can see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.
Monica: I know. He's just so... You remember you and Tony DeMarco?
Rachel: Oh yeah.
Monica: Well, it's like that, with feelings.
Rachel: Oh wow. Are you in trouble!
Monica: Big time.
Rachel: Want a wedding dress? Hardly used.
Monica: We're getting a little ahead of ourselves here. OK, OK. I am just going to get up, go to work, and not think about him all day. Or else I'm just going to get up and go to work.
Rachel: Oh, wish me luck!
Monica: What for?
Rachel: I'm going to go get one of those job things.

Monica is at work talking to her co-workers.

Franny: Hey Monica.
Monica: Hey Franny, welcome back! How was Florida?
Franny: You had sex, didn't you?
Monica: How do you do that?
Franny: Oh I hate you! I'm pushing my Aunt Roz through Parrot Jungle, and you're having sex. So, who?
Monica: You know Paul?
Franny: Paul, the wine guy? Oh yeah, I know Paul.
Monica: You mean, you know Paul like I know Paul?
Franny: Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul. You know, before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years.

Monica is at Central Perk discussing with the gang what she found out about Paul.

Joey: Of course it was a line!
Monica: Why?! Why, why would anybody do something like that?!
Ross: I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than to get you into bed.
Monica: I hate men. I hate men!
Phoebe: Oh no, don't hate. You don't want to put that out in the universe.
Monica: Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?
Phoebe: All right, come here, give me your feet.
Monica: I just thought he was nice, you know
Joey: I can't believe you didn't know it was a line.
Monica: Oh!!

Rachel comes in with shopping bags.

Rachel: Guess what?
Ross: You got a job?
Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed at twelve interviews today.
Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
Rachel: Well, you would be too if you found John and David boots on sale, 50% off.
Chandler: Oh, how well you know me.
Rachel: They're my new 'I don't need a job, I don't need my parents, I've got great boots' boots!
Monica: How did you pay for them?
Rachel: A credit card.
Monica: And, and who pays for that?
Rachel: Um, my father.

The friends are trying to help Rachel get acquainted with the idea of making her own money instead of living off her dad's credit cards.

Rachel: Oh, God, come on, you guys, is this really necessary? I mean, I can stop charging anytime I want.
Monica: Come on, Rachel. You can't live off your parents your whole life.
Rachel: I know that! That's why I was getting married!
Phoebe: Come on, give her a break. It's hard being on your own for the first time.
Rachel: Thank you.
Phoebe: You're welcome. I remember when I first came to the city. I was fourteen. My mom had just killed herself, and my step-dad was back in prison, and I got here, and I didn't know anybody, and I ended up living with this albino guy who was like cleaning windshields outside Port Authority, and then he killed himself, and then I found aromatherapy, so believe me, I know exactly how you feel.
Ross: The word you're looking for is anyway.
Monica: All right. You ready?
Rachel: Oh. No, no. I'm not ready, how can I be ready? Hey Rach, you ready to jump out of the airplane without parachutes, come on! I can't do this!
Monica: You can! I know you can!
Rachel: I don't think so.
Ross: Come on. You made coffee. You can do anything!
All: Cut, cut, cut, cut.
Rachel: You know what? I think we can just leave it at that. It's kind of like a symbolic gesture.
Monica: Rachel. That was a library card.
All: Cut, cut, cut, cut.
Chandler: You know, if you listen very closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.
All: Yay!!!
Monica: Welcome to the real world! It sucks. You're going to love it.

Monica, Ross and Rachel are hanging out.

Monica: That's it! Do you want to crash on the couch?
Ross: No. No I got to go home sometime.
Monica: All right. You going to be OK
Ross: Yeah.
Monica: Good night.
Rachel: Hang on. Look what I just found on the floor. What?
Monica: That's Paul's watch. You just put it back where you found it. Oh boy. All right. Good night, everybody.
Rachel & Ross: Good night.
Ross: Oh sorry. No, no, have it.
Rachel: Sorry. Really, I don't want it.
Ross: Split it?
Rachel: OK. Thanks.
Ross: You know, you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a um, major crush on you.
Rachel: I knew.
Ross: You did. Ah. OK. I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.
Rachel: I did.
Ross: Oh. Listen, do you think, and try not to let my intense vulnerability be any kind of a factor here. But do you think it would be OK if I asked you out, sometime, maybe?
Rachel: Yeah, maybe.
Ross: OK. OK maybe I will.
Rachel: Good night.
Ross: Good night.
Monica: See you. Wait, wait, hey, what's with you?
Ross: I just grabbed a spoon.

The gang is hanging out at Central Perk and are about to get surprised by Rachel.