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| Man: You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting? Man : NO, because you make me sick. |
Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something it goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth. |
| Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly. |
Peter : Mom, does God use our bathroom?
Mother : No, Peter. Why? Peter : Because Daddy bangs on the door every morning and yells, "Oh god, are you still there?" |
| Customer : How much is that tie?
Salesman : Forty dollars. Customer : Why, I can buy a pair of shoes with that much money. Salesman : But how would a pair of shoes look around your neck? |
Jimmy : Mom, can I have two pieces of cake?
Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two. |
| Woman : How can I ever repay you for your kindness and consideration to me?
Man : By cheque, money order or cash. |
Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I'm comfortably seated.
Lily : So what do you do? Sam : I close my eyes. |
| Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil : No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week. |
Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
Son : Well, it's a sponge cake, isn't it? |
| Man : I'm new around here. Will you please direct me to the bank?
Little boy : I will, but only if you pay me ten dollars. Man : Why should I pay you so much? Little boy : Because bank directors are always highly paid. |
Bra - unlawful cause they're holduppers
Brief - illegal cause they're bird and eggs catchers Panties - mice friendly cause they're pussy catchers Female Napkins - horrible cause they're blood suckers |
| One day in the Garden of Eden...
Eve: Adam, do you really love me? Adam: No, not really. Eve: WHAT?! Then why did you made love to me?? Adam: HELLO?!? As if I had a choice! |
Boy: Why is my brother named Mighty Storm and my Sister, Moonchild?
Mother: Your brother was concieved during a storm and your sister while watching the moon. Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are you curious? |
| Q: What's the difference between Biology and Sociology?
A: When the baby look like the father, its Biology.When the baby looks like the neighbor, its Sociology! |
The stages of marriage...
Year 1 - Man goes home, wife gets slippers and the dog barks. Year 2 - Man goes home, the wife barks and the dog gets the slippers. |
| Court Scene
1st Lawyer: You're a fool! 2nd Lawyer: You're a damn fool! Judge: As the lawyers have now properly identified each other, can we now proceed with the case? |
Mental patient
Doctor: We are going to release you for saving your friend from drowning. The only thing is he hung himself in the toilet. Patient: He didn't hang himself, I left him there to dry! |
| Surgery Terms:
Removal of Apendix - Apendectomy Removal of breast - Masectomy Removal of virginity - Giveitomebaby |
Learn Chinese:
1. Please stay awhile longer - Wai Go Nao? (why go now?) 2. Our meeting is next week - Wai Yu Kam Nao? (why you come now?) 3. You don't smell good - Go Ah Wei! (go away!) |
| Q: Do you know why witches don't wear panties?
A: Cause it gives them a better grip on their brooms! |
An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have,
the older she gets the more interested he is in her. |
| At the sperm bank men lined up to deposit their sperm.
MEN: “hey, Miss! Don’t you know that this is a sperm bank”? LADY: “Mmmmmpp!!” (pointing to her mouth) |
Nun – Why are you washing your hands w/ holy water?
Sister – ‘Coz I touched a man’s thing. Nun – Then I gotta gargle before Sis Mary dips her ass in there! |
| What comes out of…
FAT BREASTS: Buttermilk SKINNY BREASTS: Skimmed milk BLACK WOMAN’S BREASTS: Chocolate milk RETARDED WOMAN’S BREAST: Yogurt |
In the 1st year of marriage the man speaks and woman listen
2nd year the woman speaks and the man listen 3rd year they both speak and neighbors listen 4th year their lawyers speak and the judge listen |
| SEX – It’s an injection with affection to the meat section
from a projection without objection hopefully no infection. |
Q: Why is breastmilk still best for babies?
A: It’s fresh, contains antibodies for protection against infections & besides, it comes in a very attractive container |
| Q:Why is sperm donation more expensive than blood donation?
A:Because it's handmade. |
Q:How would you embarass an archeologist?
A:Show him a woman's used napkin and ask him what period it came from. |
| Q: How much calcium is in a woman's breast?
A: Enough to make a bone grow big and hard. |
At last!!! A new napkin especially made to satisfy women.
Introducing! New Whisper with fingers!!! Keeps you wet even when you are dry!!! |
| Define LOVE:
Love is an intention... That goes with affection... With intent of injection and erection... Done in midsection... In a nice position... During a private session... |
You're an ASSHOLE
A - adorable S - sweet S - sincere H - humble O - overly romantic L - lovable E - ever dear friend |
| Q:Why do some men want to make love to a woman who is 9 months pregnant?
A:Because there's a bonus. While you're making love to the woman, somebody is doing the blow job inside.... |
Man's prayer to a woman:
O holy woman lay down on a holy bed and let my holy pole enter your holy hole so that my holy juice can produce a holy ghost! |
| A 70 yr old man sadly looked down at his dick and said:
"We were born together, grew up together, we've been through lots of happy moments together. Now, why do you have to die ahead of me?" |
Boy: I broke my glasses when I kissed my girlfriend.
Dad: How can that happen son? Boy: Dad, she closed her legs. |
| Secretary answers a call: Hello, I'm sorry but my boss is out in the moment,
no wait, he's in, no, he's out, in, out, in, out, inn....ahhh! Sir, you wannah ahnswer daah call? |
Q:How do you compare a man's dick with a car?
A:1.It's good when its fast. 2. It's smooth when lubricated. 3. It's useless when it's flat. |
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