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| Man uses new ATM in Makati:
ATM: Welcome to tne new PNB ATM! Please choose a language - English Tagalog or Visayan Man: (picks Visayan) ATM: You have chosen Visayan - please use our ATMs in Cebu! |
Erap to Mom: Ma! Ang laki pala ng bird ko!
Nakita ko yung sa classmate ko ang liliit! Mom: Erap, ganyan talaga pag ikaw 18 na at ang mga kaklase mo Grade 3 lang! |
| Q: Anong similarities between SPERM and MAYONNAISE?
A: They both came from ITLOG and they're both LADY'S CHOICE. |
Q: Ano ang pagkakaiba ng BADING at CANNIBAL?
A: Ang CANNIBAL kumakain ng ka-uri; and BADING kumakain ng ka-ari |
| Pres. Erap coming down from a PAL plane from trip abroad was ambushed by reporters for interview:
Reporter: Mr. President, hows is the economy? Erap: Eh, ok lang pero medyo masikip |
Q: Ano ang pagkakaiba ng ulap sa panty?
A: Pag hinawi mo ang ulap, ulap pa rin. Pag hinawi mo ang panty.....wow heaven! |
| Q: What is the similarity between "BANANA" and the "BREAST OF GRANDMA"?
A: They're both "SAGING"! |
Q: Ano sa tagalog ang "Endless Love"?
A: "Walang hugutan!" |
| In a racetrack the turtle suddenly overtook the rabbit.
Midst the shock and silence, the turtle shouted TANG@#$%^$ ninyo sino'ng naglagay ng kwitis sa pwet ko? |
English to Spanish Translation
1. RAPE --------------------------- casta la puerza 2. RAPE W/ CONSENT-------- casta la puerza con gusto 3. HONEYMOON --------------- prepara la cama para iyutin |
| YOU'RE MY FRIEND BECAUSE
1. You're like a COKE, the real thing. 2. You're like a PEPSI, the choice of the new generation. 3. You're like an ALASKA, wala pa ring tatalo. 4. You're like a SAN MIGUEL, kahit kailan kaibigan. |
Lalaki - 'Ling, pwede ba?
Babae - 'di pwede meron ako.... Lalaki - sa pwet? Babae - meron akong almoranas eh! Lalaki - sa bunganga? Babae - me sore throat ako! Naasar si lalaki, sinakal si babae at sabi.... Lalaki - wag mong sabihin na may sipon ka? |
| Ako si Nene 18 yrs old, unang umabuso sa akin
taga Jollibee sabi, "Isa pa, isa pa......" next taga McDonalds, "Ang sarap ulitin...." next taga KFC, "Finger licking good...." last taga Motolite, "Pangmatagalan" |
TYPES OF COUPLES
1. boy gwapo + girl ganda = NAGMAMAHALAN 2. boy gwapo + girl panget = PINIKOT 3. boy panget + girl ganda = TINUTUKAN 4. boy pangit + girl panget = PASENSYAHAN |
| Q: What's the difference between kissing a guwapa girl from a swangit girl?
A: In a gwapa girl, you kiss the face and squeeze the boobs. In a swangit girl, you kiss the boobs and squeeze the face. |
Q: Ano ang pang-uri?
A: Ang pang-uri ay isang uring ari na di nakakadiri habang ito'y yumayari o sumisira ng puri. Kung sabagay mas masarap ito kaysa daliri |
| What is the sound of falling water? --------- "SWOOSH"
What is the sound of falling rock? ---------- "BLAGG" What is the sound of falling pubic hair? ---- "PWEH-PWEH" |
You are nothing but SHIT!
S - sexy H - hot I - irresistible T - tulad ko! |
| POOH FAMILY HISTORY
papa - POOHLIS mama - POOHTA kuya - POOHSAKAL ate - POOHKPOK pet - POOHSA game = POOHSOY |
The vowel of sex according to women!
Aahhh - napasukan Eehhh - naliitan Iihhh - nalakihan Oohhh - nasarapan Uuhhh - nilalasahan |
| Lolo and lola having breakfast in bed after sex
Lola: Alam mo hanggang ngayon nag-iinit pa rin ang dibdib ko sa iyo Lolo: Paanong hindi iinit eh nakasawsaw ang dede mo sa kape! |
Adam: Lord, bakit mo ginawang maganda ang babae?
Lord: Para mahalin mo. Adam: Bakit mo sila ginawang tanga? Lord: Para mahalin ka. |
| Tisya and Bebeng at market
Tisya: Mare, kita mo malalaking patatas? Akala ko bayag ng asawa ko! Bebeng: Ha? Ganyan kalaki? Tisya: Hindi! Ganyan kadumi! |
Hey! I'm selling original Lacoste polo shirts for only P1000!
Kaso 'yung buwaya nangangagat ng nipples. But don't worry, dinidilaan nya muna! |
| Q: Bakit ang pari kapad umiihi nakatingala?
A: Dahil nagdarasal sila. Q: ANong dinarasal nila? A: "O, Diyos ko hanggang pag-ihi na lang ba 'to?" |
Pedro: Ma'am si Danilo naniniko.
Teacher: Danilo! Hindi mo ba alam na masakit ang maniko? Pedro: Yehey! Walang pasok, masakit ang mani ni ma'am! |
| What is the essence of a woman?
VENEZUELA: Porque me reglan con todo pacasta mala importante birhin ka pa. PUERTO RICO: Perfecta figura mala importante malake poque. |
Anong tawag sa boobs na maliit? ABOT KAMAY!
Anong tawag sa malaking boobs? KAPOS PALAD! Anong tawag sa flat chested? SAWING PALAD! |
| Two langaws on a piece of shit.
Langaw 1: Pare nauutot ako. Langaw 2: Para wala namang ganyanan, kumakain tayo!!!!! |
A girl from an exclusive school was asked.
Q: What is the difference between penis and kamote? A: Yuck!!! I don't eat kamote...Yuck!!! |
| In an international crime prevention meeting.
France: Our police can respond to a crime scene in 5 minutes! US: Our's, 1 minute. UK: Our's, 30 seconds! Erap: Small time! Our police are always at the crime scene. |
A gay walked into a meatshop to order german sausages.
The storekeeper asked if he wanted them sliced. The gay replied, "Anong akala mo sa pwet ko alkansya??" |
| If you love someone you don't only touch her hand.
You will hold her hand, put it in your pants, open the zipper, hold the penis up and make her swallow it down. Kala mo love note noh? |
Ang tipong babae ng mga guys:
SIMPLE - hindi nagpa-panty MABAIT - hindi tumatanggi DISENTE - hindi nagpapabayad DEMURE - hindi dumudura, nilulunok lahat. |
| May Genie si Erap...
Genie: Mag-wish ka... Erap: Lagyan mo lahat nga flyover ang buong Pilipinas. Eto ang mapa Genie: Mahirap yata yan. Ibang wish na lang. Erap: Gawin mo akong matalino. Genie: Nasaan ang mapa?? |
Condom for sale:
Motolite condoms - tested na pangmatagalan Pantene condoms - less at the roots, more at the tips Dairy Creme condoms - pinipili ng mas mapiling ina M & M condoms - melt in your mouth not in your hand Red Bull condoms - kapag suot mo, sugod ka ng sugod. Lipovitan condoms - keeps you going. |
| Babae kinalabit ang mister sa hating-gabi.
Misis: Love, wala akong panty ngayon. Mister: (nagising) Tulog ka na love, bukas ibibili kita. |
Lalake: Taksil! Baog ako, paano ka nabuntis?
Sinong ama? Ang kaibigan kong Kadyo? Si Pekto? Kaibigan kong si Ador? Babae: Puro kaibigan mo! Kaibigan mo! Bakit wala ba akong kaibigan?!!? |
| Types of couple (part II):
boy gwapo + girl ganda = made in heaven boy gwapo + girl panget = true love boy panget + girl ganda = galing diskarte boy panget + girl panget = no choice |
Mag-bestfriends nagkita sa nursery.
B1: Pare, ang cute ng anak mo! Alam mo, ang galing sigurong magmaneho nyan paglake! B2: Bakit?? B1: Kamukha sya ng driver mo! |
| Kuba: Tinukso nila akong kuba. Mag-aaral ako ng karate.
(5 months later) Friend: Galing mong mag-karate. Tinatawag ka pa rin ba nilang kuba? Kuba: Hindi na! Ninja Turtle! |
Teacher: What's the color of my teeth? (Sabay smile)
Pupil: Pink! Teacher: (Nagtataka) Again, what's the color of my teeth? (smile) Pupil: Pink! Teacher: Shit di ko pala suot ang pustiso ko! |
| A prisoner donated his eyes, arms, legs and kidney.
Guard: Aba, unti-unti ka nang tumatakas ha! |
Q: Who enjoys sex, man or woman?
A: Look at it this way, when you play billiards and the cue sticks needs TISA and you insert and squeeze the stick in it, after a while, sinong gustong umulit? |
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