"Cycles...." July 11, 2000

"Cycles...." July 11, 2000

Dusk...

....and it has been a pissy day; it pissed down rain off and on, which was merely a mirror of what was going on within. The Goddess has been pissy, I have been pissy. I am having a difficult time sorting out why.

Part of it, perhaps most of it, has to do with the fact that she started her meds again yesterday. I can expect to be riding the emotional roller coaster with her for the next few days until she evens out. Part of it, too, however, has to do with an inherent problem we have in communicating.

Perhaps stupidly, I decided to broach a topic with Herself last evening, one that to me seems much clearer than it does to her. While I cannot really discuss the nature of the issue, suffice it to say that it almost always triggers her insecurities and defenses. This, in turn, triggers my defenses. She fails to understand that all the testing she put me through in the first couple of years of our relationship, tests which are rooted in insecurity, have had consequences. One cannot continuously be put into positions of proving one's committments, especially when this position is as a result of what other people have done. Now, when we discuss issues within our relationship and she starts pulling the same shit, I very quickly lose any interest is discussing things any further.

To me, insecurity is about trust, and if she doesn't have trust in me by now, then what the fuck are we doing here?

Then I get angry, and it is difficult for me to diffuse this anger. I take responsibility for that. I clam up, become isolated, and have a difficult time wanting to interact with her until I can sort things out. Sometime this takes too long. In the process, she ends up obsessing about the situation, she hounds me repeatedly, she follows me around the house, she questions my every move.

"Where are you going?"

"What are you doing?"

"Who are you calling?"

This does little to afford me time to settle things within myself. It is terribly cyclic. And to thing, we are both in the social work field.

So at present, I just returned from working with a client, and because I wanted to spend some time writing instead of taking her up on the offer to watch television, she is currently bawling in the bathroom. I suspect she is there solely because she wants me to hear her.

Just where is the volume to the CD player?

I have to go find it....