"Hopes...." May 28, 2000

"Hopes...." May 28, 2000

Close To Midnight...

....and I am not sure where to begin. I have been absent, it is true, and one would expect that I would have a great deal to write about from these last few days. While a great many "little things" have been happening, nothing significant has occured, nothing glaring.

All that has happened is life, with its ups and downs, betters and worse, richers and poorers.

Truth be told, I have had some manner of difficulty bringing myself to write anything. Perhaps it is a block, perhaps I have just been feeling as though I have little to say.

Perhaps I am just practicing avoidance, as I am known to do from time to time.

So, what has been keeping my time these last eight days? What has been keeping me preoccupied? What has prevented me from enjoying one of the few genuine pleasures I get from life? Well, work, financial management (or lack thereof), and married life are just a few examples.

And trying to make a baby.

I have been ready to be a Dad for a long time now. I yearn to cradle my little one in my arms when crying, when afraid, whenever need be. I yearn to watch those first tentative steps, so full of courage and determination whlie still so fragile. I yearn for the first lost tooth, the first skinned knee, the first love....

....the first broken heart.

I have no regrets that there were no children brought into the world during my first marriage. I do regret, however, that I gave my most of my twenties to a woman who had no intention of honouring our committment to be together, and that I find myself childless, past thirty, and mourning children I have not had yet. Perhaps it is a male version of the biological clock, if there is such a thing.

At this stage in the game, I find myself full of a great deal of anxiety and time pressure. What if it takes a long time for The Goddess and I to conceive? At almost thirty-five, she does not have a great deal of time to work with. What if there is something wrong with one of us physically? We certainly do not have the time to be dickering around with test after test, and I would have liked to have known there was a problem with my equippment long before now.

What is meant to be will be, I suppose.

It seems that fatherhood is just one more area of adult life that has found me well behind the pack with respect to those I hold dear. Almost all are parents. Most have their lives together financially. While I know that for my friends, life, relaptioships, and parenthood have not been easy, I find myself so envious at times, to the point that I have a difficult time emotionally after being around them.

Life, for the most part, is practically perfect for them, it seems. At least in the areas that I have been struggling with: parenthood and finances.

Where did I go wrong? What mistakes did I make that have had such lasing consequences? Will things ever be okay? Will life ever get any easier?

I went to Meris' dance recital recently. I was so proud of her. She has made so much progress, and is so talented. She is growing up too fast, but has become such an endearing young lady. My pride for her was marred with thoughts of how my daughter should be up there on stage, too, dancing, tapping, gettin' giggy with her friends. But she wasn't there. Seeing Lowlandz's and Alyx's kids playing together, laughing, running, jumping, being free, I feel so trememdously sad; my kids should be playing with them too. Instead, they will be babysat by them if they are going to have any relationship at all.

Sad to the point I am in tears at times.

Like now.....

....Blessed Be...