"Better(?)...." May 29, 2000

"Better(?)...." May 29, 2000

Close To Midnight...

....and I suppose if I were asked if I were feeling better today, I guess the answer would have to be a non-committal 'yes'. I say this because I indeed did not feel as down, as distraught, today as I did last evening. Nevertheless, today found me feeling the physical ramifications of such head space; I was tired, listless, and without energy and will today. Emotionally and mentally, I was rather void, which to me is better than feeling dispair.

I tired to stay occupied today for the most part, despite the recurring, aching call of the bed for me to escape to sleep. This is not a healthy coping mechanism, and definitely a pattern that is almost impossible to break for someone with little will. I worked, I watched television (which, ironically, was Maury doing more teen paternity tests for mothers who see dollar signs in their infant's eyes and fathers who cannot see themselves in their newborn), and I also worked on invoices.

For someone who has so much anguish at times over money issues, I have such an arduous time bringing myself to doing paperwork. Perhaps it is because I know deep down inside that no matter how much I know is coming in, it is never quite enough.

This evening finds me in a tequila haze; while it is blessed relief, it is not a solution. I know this. My stomach is already screaming in protest, my body is numb, and my fingers have a hard time trying to find where they are supposed to be.

No more soup for me.....

....Blessed Be...