admittedly I feel as though I am forcing myself to write this evening. I am tired, exhausted actually, from playing catch up during these last post-flu days. I have had a mountain of paperwork to scale, and I am probably three quarters of the way to the summit. I have also put in more time with clients, as I need to have something to put on an invoice at the end of the month. While I was ill, I even picked up a couple of new ones, so these last few days have found me in the midst of prep work (meetings, case reviews, etceteras) that always accompanies new clients, on top of trying to actually fit them into an already cramped schedule.

While it has been a rare occasion, I may have to actually turn down subsequent requests for my services until some of the current work peters out. Ironically, the cases I have now could very well be long term. It places me in a Catch-22 situation. I most certainly enjoy the thought of steady income over the next few months. However, when these clients are done, and they seem to go in groups and not one at a time, I may find myself scrambling again. In turning down clients, the family services agencies I work for start thinking I am too extended and stop calling.

One saving grace is that The Goddess was offered a full time position in a residential facility for Young Offenders. It is steady income with full benefits. Given that her medication is over $200.00 per month, the group benefits are a tremendous bonus. While her salary would not be enough for us to coast on, it definitely would stave off Peter and Paul for a couple weeks if I were in the position of scrounging for clients again.

But I digress.

It is not just the exhaustion of work that drains me of my creative desire. Life on the home front has been fatiguing as well. I have been feeling as though I have been taking too much responsibility for the daily routine of The Goddess' life, and that in turn, she is allowing me to most willingly. For instance, if she runs out of Paxil, she will not take the steps necessary to get it refilled until I notice, through her behavior, that she is not taking it and get the prescription filled myself, or borrow some from Dawne. I give her phone messages that are left unreturned until I get cranky with her over her friends asking me why she is not talking to them anymore. On her days off she will not get out of bed unless I wake her, regardless of what time it is. Last Saturday, she got up when I went to work, and she was sleeping on the couch at 5:00 pm when I got home. There was a plethora of housework that needed to get started, all of which could have been done and over with by the time I woke her up that afternoon. That evening at midnight, I suggested that perhaps she ought to get to bed because we were planning to have our Thanksgiving dinner the next evening. She moaned that it was her long weekend off and she certainly did not feel the need to have a bedtime. So, the next day, I woke her up at 1:00pm on my way to work, and I had a can of soup that evening for Thanksgiving dinner.

Funny thing is, if her mother were coming for dinner that evening, she would have been up at 7:00am, had dinner cooked by noon, and the house sparkling as well. I am left feeling that merely my presence in her life is not enough to make a nice dinner for. I would have done it myself if I was not working most of that day.

So, I find myself reluctant to write. I want to scribe the pleasant times, the happiness that is supposed to be my life with The Goddess, and not the perpetual, seemingly never ending issues and bull shit. I want to write about days like last Monday, when we did have turkey dinner after a pleasant day drive in the country with Reekie and Moo. I want to write about these things, but they feel so moot and drowned by the prevalent sea of crap.

Having been sick, the resulting game of catch up with work, and feeling like I am parenting my wife, have contributed to my feeling depressed. Not even the slightest glimmer of creative spark can be seen when I am depressed.

So here I am, forcing, squeezing words out that are as thick as frozen molasses.

Good thing that hot bath is ready. Bear with me while I have a good long soak.

 

Be Well