...150702, 1406hr, central time...

i was watching jerry maguire last night on tv. [coincidentally poach was too! in her words, our "unconscious bonding moment". heh.]

you know the line that goes "you complete me" that's been so abused and spoof-ed? the original speech however, seems a lot more sincere, and so much more real, something i wish my love would say to me. i don't know, maybe i'm still quite vulnerable now, but this show made me cry. at places i usually wouldn't cry. like when she tells him, "i did this. i pretended it was real." i cried. when he told her, "what if i'm not made this way?" i cried again. somehow all relationship problems in this world now resemble mine with him. god i'm so drama rama i cannot stand myself.

i don't think i can ever figure out what kind of guy i really like after all. i thought this is something i'd have to think about during my break now, maybe some kind of vague dreamy idea what kind of guy i would be attracted to. after "trying" out so many different types of guys, it seems almost like i'm some easy girl who can fall for any tom, dick or harry which is just such a disgusting thought. i insist that i am not like that. i remember before i had my first relationship, i had a dream once, what my boyfriend would be like. it was one of those dreams that make you feel all warm and fuzzy and continue to be dreamy for a whole day. i don't know if it's a coincidence, but i read my journal of that time and my description of my "dream boyfriend" sounded uncannily like my first boyfriend, who showed up in my life only a year after that. haha. how weird is that eh?

i thought i should bring back that sense of innocence in myself. to bring myself back to the pre-rollercoaster times, when i am not actually seeking or analyzing, but just patiently waiting. with fantasy and a sense of optimism, waiting for love to bring me to beautiful places. like truly wipe the slate clean, wipe my memories clean too. but obviously i cannot, i wonder how i can ever go back to those days, since i've already learnt that love is not only about beauty. it can also bring you to so much pain it's ugly. in that sense, i think there's no way back anymore, and i was a little disappointed, it's like i'm already destined to carry the burden of my past scars.

but then now i think perhaps there's no point in trying to retrieve my innocence. i'm simply not 16 years old anymore. i should have a healthy sense of what life is really about, appropriate for my age. that infamous quote, "love like it's never going to hurt." makes so much more sense now, because i guess love is also about courage, the courage to invest your heart and continue to have faith in the human capacity to love, despite whatever that's happened in the past. perhaps my scars aren't meant to weigh me down, but to elevate me, to remind me that i've been through hell and back, and that i can do it again. because love can also bring me to heaven.

for that reason, i am proud of myself. i think the fact that i'm okay now just shows that i can handle it. it's like after you freak out over your first bungee jump, all subsequent ones seem more manageable. and you can look forward to them without imagining horrible things in your mind. i don't think i'm ready to jump off again, but i know when i'm ready, i'll be more than thrilled.

i did love alvin. in fact, i probably still do. it's not something you can turn off just like that. but now right it has to be transformed, to something that allows me to be at peace with how things are. he's not the right guy, but he's also not a bad guy. as friends, we had been happy together, but guess we're not good as lovers. i still admire him for the qualities i had liked before, but perhaps those are the exact same qualities that drove him away from me. like his complete brutal honesty. his devotion to his ambitions. his rational yet child-like creative mind. they all translated somehow to behavior that turned against me. the irony of it all, eh?

we both lost something very precious, i think. there's a chinese song i've been listening to, it goes like this:

what it says is, in our failed pursuit for the blessed romance, we also lost the connection as friends. in our impatience for more, we've exhausted our destiny together. [i'm a terrible translater. argh!] but i guess that's the same case for him and i - our yuanfen has been exhausted, i don't think we'll ever be the friends we used to be again. and that makes me sad all over again.