090702, 2315hr, central time

really, just let me whine.

i hate my ankle, i really do. and i hate my crutches.

i finally saw the doctor yesterday, my ankle's worse off than i thought it was, also partly cos i bandaged it wrongly, the swollenness is accumulated rather than reduced. [note: do not use the figure 8 method, if you know what i'm talking about.] so yes i'm on crutches. but no i didn't fracture anything, since they've not called me back. but the doctor says my ligaments seem quite bad, so she says i shouldn't put any pressure on my ankle anymore, and insists i use crutches.

i hope she's just scaring me, because i absolutely hate them, and i don't think i'm gonna use them tomorrow.

they really hurt, and my arms are dead tired now. the usual walk to class that used to take 15 minutes now take 45 minutes. my clothes got soaked through with sweat, and i can barely raise my arms to comb my hair now. tomorrow, i shall take the freaking bus, no more walking to class. i'd rather die.

as i inched slowly towards my lab today, i couldn't even bear to look up. it seemed as though everyone was looking at me. i was already in pain, i didn't quite need other people to witness it too. not that i appreciate the looks of sympathy either, i'd rather people just leave me alone. or help me. not look. when i finally got to lab, my classmates didn't quite know what to do with me, especially since everyone else was also busy with their own stuff. payal was cute, she had this sorry face everytime she saw me, and she always had something to say, but it's not like she could really help me with anything either, since i have to work on my own wafer, so does everyone else and their own wafers.

well, come to think of it, i do appreciate people who open doors for me. that, is priceless.

the journey to lab today seemed like eternity, and a freaking nightmare. besides not wanting to catch anyone's eye, i concentrated on looking at the ground also for other reasons. firstly, had to know where to position my crutches every step. secondly, my bag containing my lab manual was pretty heavy and my shoulders were quite tired. thirdly, it reminded me of the long distance races i used to run.

yes, another running race analogy.

whenever i felt exhausted during the race, i always concentrated on shorter distances, like the next turn, the next person, the next step. it seems so much easier to conquer the little distances, than the seemingly impossible end line. today, i felt the same way. somehow, it was more manageable, just thinking about the next step. and the next. and the next.

so well, i made it, didn't i? i made it to lab, and i managed to complete everything i needed to do for my wafer. i was slow, but at least i didn't give up, and i did it myself. the pain in my arms reminds me that i wish i don't have to do it again. but then again, perhaps i will, now that i'm feeling much better, having finished with the whining. payal says at least it'll get my arms toned up. haha. i sure hope she's right. i also know my right leg is now stronger than my left. i need to wear my ankle guard on my right ankle tomorrow, if i continue using the crutches, because it's been doing too much of the balancing work and it's never been very strong anyway. hmm. and i should definitely bring more tissue paper with me to wipe my sweat with.

i think i'm rather down in my luck these days, but maybe there will be a silver lining to this dark storm cloud. just maybe. but until i recover enough to look up to find it, let me just concentrate on the little steps. i'm like the little choo choo train that went up the hill.