080702, 1348hr, central time

sometimes i want to torture myself, and i try to imagine how things will be like when i meet alvin again. and the optimistic side of me thinks up these scenarios where i will revive my faith in our relationship, happy ending to this crisis and i head to japan a happy woman. then the pessimistic side of me kicks the optimistic side and says, "that won't happen. alvin's not that kind of person." and then i get all upset.

sigh, i should stop torturing myself.

i still wonder if i do love alvin. so i asked around, i asked my friends who are in love, what it means to be in love. what is the feeling of love? is it the butterflies in the stomach when he/she is around? or is it the sense of comfort and peace in the mind instead? i've had answers ranging from the feeling of being understood to the feeling of chest contractions when he's around. haha, how strange. i guess it's different for everyone eh? for me, the feeling of love has always been associated with the feeling of pain. the pain of losing, the pain of not being loved in return. blame it on my bad luck, or my self-sabotage mechanisms, or my own insecurities.

must love be reciprocal?

of course it doesn't. i guess that's why it's always been associated with pain for me. because my love leads me instead to let go of the people i love, or sometimes i even have to push them away. because i don't think their happiness lies with me. because i wish the best for them and somehow it's easier to be happy when not entangled with a woman like me. haha. considering how vastly different my boyfriends have been from one another, i do believe i've met almost any kind of person i could be attracted to. there's the loving doting ws, the funny quirky mike, the intellectual charming edwin, the sincere down-to-earth alvin. what else can i ask for? yet, i'm not happy with any of them, and they are not happy with me.

i'm still young of course, there's plenty more time and opportunities to find a guy who will appreciate me fully, understand me completely, and become the blissful recipient of my love. and vice versa, me of his. even if i do not find such a guy, in the romantic sense, i'm sure i can find someone else, like a child maybe. with that in mind, i feel a lot less despair. suddenly it seems like perhaps there's a purpose to strengthening my belief in love. i realize my notion of love has been too narrow in scope, i think maybe my love is not meant for the common romantic relationships, perhaps it's meant for more than just one man. perhaps it's meant for the rest of the world instead.

but only if i can completely accept the fact that love does not have to be reciprocal. i'm still selfish, i still wish to be loved by the man i love. i still hope.

such a misleading thing, hope is.