All right. I lied. Sue me. I've been busy at work, so I haven't really had the time to write something down. In fact, I don't really know what I'm going to write about. It'll just come spewing out, I'm sure.

I was originally going to write something witty about television, but I always ended up proving a point I didn't want to prove. Yes, I dug myself a hole, and plunked right down into it. So, instead of writing about the horrors of television, maybe I'll write about the wonders. Yeah, that's it.

Television. You hear the word and you think "Great. Another schmoe telling me that television rots your brain, or at least turns it into some sort of oatmeal-type material that only goes well with brown sugar and golden raisins." Not this time, Buckminster. I'm going to tell you what a marvelous invention the television is.

It all starts with physics (doesn't everything?). Way back when, a few decades ago, some bright chap had the idea to fire electrons at a screen. When the electrons hit the screen (specially coated so it would glow) a green dot would appear. By changing magnetic fields and such, the dot could be made to move around the screen. I'm sure this provided endless hours of entertainment for our intrepid scientist. If only he could see into the future, and find out that this invention would be the precursor to such things as Baywatch, Jenny Jones, or the FoxTrax hockey puck. I'm sure he would have done us all a favour and not only smashed the cathode ray tube and burned his notes, but lept off a tall building so that his secret could not be found out, even under the worst forms of torture (like Baywatch, Jenny Jones, or the FoxTrax hockey puck). But no, he didn't do us that favour, and the CRT was used for evil purposes (including discovering those darned x-rays that are able to see inside people's bodies -- dastardly!).

But you thought I was going to rave about the television, not rant about it, right? Yeah, yeah, that'll come in a second. I just had to set up the history a little. Okay, some more history. What was one of the first television broadcasts ever made? If you've seen Contact, you'll know that it was Hitler opening the Berlin Olympic Games. Great start to broadcasting, wouldn't you say? After that, there's all sorts of wonderful things. I Love Lucy. The Ed Sullivan Show. I'll bet there'll be some aliens out there who get the transmissions of the Challenger explosion, and they'll be laughing at it. "Ha, look at those fools! They can't even put a simple glider into orbit! Let's go buzz some fields and make those circles they seem to enjoy so much!" What sort of a view of humanity are we putting out to space? It's not terribly good, y'know.

Damn, I was going to talk about how good television is. See what I meant when I said I keep proving points I don't want to make? That's what happens when I ramble on like this.

Maybe the reason why I can't rave about the television is that it's so horrible in the first place. No, that can't be it. Without television our society wouldn't be as connected as it is. Television opens up new frontiers for us, it allows us to go to places we'd normally not be able to go. Without television we wouldn't get up-to-the-minute headlines on breaking stories. In the early '90s you couldn't turn on the TV without coming across General Schwartzkopf and his trek in the Middle East. The increase in knowledge one gets from television has been its greatest contribution to society today. Sure, you can get that sort of thing from a newspaper, but it's not as visual. When things are shown in pictures, accompanied by accurate narration, they're easier to understand. Newspapers are also not as up-to-date. Radios are, but they're lacking the visual part. Computers, now that's another story. Interactive, current, visual. You can't get much better than that, unless you get a direct news feed installed right into your brain. That's an expensive option, and I don't think anybody's gone for it yet. Let me know if it happens, eh?

So television has made the world a more accessible place. That's all fine and good, but there's just so much on TV that it's hard to find the good stuff. See, that's why people need to spend more time in front of the TV, so they can pick out what's good. To hell with spending time outdoors. We all know the environment's going to hell anyhow. Spend that leisure time on your couch, in front of the TV! So what if you become a couch potato? You'll be spending more money on food, helping out our ailing farmers! And the couch, hey, someone's got to make that, you know! Not only are you helping to save the environment (you're not driving around while watching TV, are you? NO!) you're helping boost the economy. And get this: you can help the economy even better through active participation with infomercials! Yes!

I'm going to quit now. Seinfeld's on.