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I have stood alone
Away from them
Been a ship without an anchor to hold me fast
Been befriended and a friend to many
Still I feel I'm back where I belong at last
Looking in the mists that are my future
Though I can scarcely see my way
The one thing I'm a-feared of
Is if I cannot live elsewhere but here
But in truth my mind is not so weak
For with candle, cross and spirit to guide
Of all futures I have nothing left to fear now
Save the ending of life's ending
Or the lack of loving that which I hold dear
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When I look at him and see him
It's seems as if he's well there
But when I leave him
Fear creeps in
Haunted, ghostlike, by fever dreams of ill
I own myself both blessed and cursed
By such an imagination
Though the kind, sweet words of others
Reassures me all is well
Impatient, all impatient
Can't wait for it to end
He never did aught by halves
We joke,
Soon he will be well
Guess that when oh so rarely
Illness comes to call
That it seems so overshadowed
By the thought of his passing over
To where I cannot reach him again.
Relax! I tell myself
Be well for all is well
Well, as well as he may be
And all will come to naught I know
Be patient, time sets free.
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I take not one step closer
Shield my heart from pain
Twist and turning fail to suffer
Fail to face you once again
But the dance is getting closer
I can feel it with my heart
And my pulse jumps and falters
Not just love but fear a part
Of what is here.
I look through lidded, leaden eyes
As the dance becomes something more
I almost reach out and touch him
Fear still my fatal flaw
I know I can do this
But I have to know
That what I think I feel is real
And he feel something more
Than friendship.
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And though doubt clouds
My fragile mind
I wait on patiently
For the time, right after time
When that love is mine
And fear lets go its grip
On hope.
I know I've stolen some of this from somewhere, probably Milton. Anyone know? Comments?
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Bustling about a suddenly empty house
Each room is thick with
Anticipation, preparation
A complicated plan is mapped out
Rewrites itself as it is put in motion
The door bell breaks into full cry
And we hurry over
Encourage the new arrivals in
From the cool outside to the warm within
Midwifes in reverse to our new-come friends.
And the warmth is overflowing in our hearts
But to me it has a new tinge
A new shaped me remembering the old
I thrill in them both
A delight wakens at the love washes off the stain
Of an ill happening not long before return
But the echoes flash
Wrong message given there, another here
Both with undertones of truth
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Love is wordless
Spoken with gestures
And the mind
Love is silent
Muting words of pain
To a silent sentence
Of interpretation
Love is silent
Hidden to the eye
Protecting and defending
The wise
Love is silenced
Covered up and put away
To shield us from the pain that comes
From lack of reciprocation
Fear is the silencer
Blinding us to loves
That in the sight of love
Might bloom right now, today
And take away the pain
Silent love is kindness
When two loves conflict
When the object of affection
Between two is split
One must be silent
Lest friendship,
Twixt thee and me
Be lost,
Though the pain may be equally deep.
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But still I shy away from him
Too innocent and afraid
For more than temptation
Realisation must wait another day
A complex set of moves we make
To part, to meet, to turn away
A ritual of self protection
As if we don't dare believe
The love that we have seen
And I have no need of
Lights in my house
Thanks to this light that fills me
And I love.
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But when you thought to draw out
A smidgen of jealousy
As proof of what you wanted me to feel
You were suddenly in the red
And I stopped your account
Cut you off, dead
For you only drew out pain
Totally in debt
To my fragile emotional bank account
You had no way to repay
The bankruptcy of emotion that I feel
But I'm sure my lack of feeling
Will be revenge enough
With all the drainage I've sustained
Are you so truly stunned
That I have nothing left to feel
But the residual attraction
The original appeal
Sorry mate, it's over
Unless you can repay
The debt of love you owe me
And repay it soon in kind.
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On that night I think I
Never loved you
As then, before,
But when I replay sensations
Over in my mind
All I feel is fire
And the roiling lava spun storm tossed seas
You made of my bed
My body the boat to which I clung
Though I was alone
And you had gone
With some strange immediacy
I feel the rapier stab
When you betrayed me not many nights after
My love silenced
By a message lost at sea
And you do not know…
I remember…
With a sense of frozen moments sliding past
A look, a word, a glance,
An attention to that which is mine
And wish that I were blind
For you do not know
But now such images
Are but as carved in ice
A portrait gallery of times past
Your name a word with no meaning
Clouded,
By a twist of time and another home
The divide insuperable,
E'en if it's only in my mind
Caught up in familiar places
And in older times
I cannot think of you
Recollections of your face
Melt into other faces
I forget your 'love' for mine
Except as a remembrance
Of some lost time
Till the clock turns
And brings us close again
And then, were you silent
And I struck dumb
Will you speak out once again
With your eyes?
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Who knows the ways of mice and men?
What secrets do the stars truly tell?
Summers past echo unstinting
Trail through unknown jungles of soul
Memories flicker candle-like
To be blown out by unseen gusts
And disappear like smoke
Back to times long forgotten
I see with blinkered, blinded eyes
As if that were some other
Not simply an other me
Who would pass by those seeds of pain
Without some sympathy
Why echos, whispers, memories
Would come and go
Were I to release myself from life?
What dreams are these?
Spun of life itself
Shadowed by its sister, death
Reflecting wants unanswered
Probabilities unrealised
Time ticks slowly onward
But for whose benefit? Mine?
To what ends? Perhaps the Divine,
Peace.
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I think I'd like to
Hit you till it hurts real bad
And you can feel the pain
You inflict on me
Some would say I have no excuses
No right to burn with hate
For such a pittance as you give me
I have no crime of love played false,
Or unrequited, no hurt or jealousy
Yet my blood boils in my veins
Your so called harmless mockery
Bites me to the bone, or maybe deeper still
It is still pain
I think I want to
Connect you to my head
Let you feel my pain
Till you never ever want to
Speak to me again
Oh I should forgive your blindness
Since my scars don't show
I should forgive your bloody minded-ness
Because you really do not know
But it's too late for reconciliation
My hate alive and well
How dare you make me remember
Where and when I got those scars,
My little piece of hell
But oh how my revenge tastes sweet
For those scars, they now have your name on,
Not those childish hands of long ago
So Watch as the storm builds
I feel it in my soul That it's either you or me now
Death is the final blow
For when the thunder finally comes
Oh surely you will know
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A meeting of Strangers.
First shock. Impressions of age.
The faces speak, I recognise the Voices
The faces and the voices
Twists of contradiction
But as they speak I catch
Echoes of jungles beneath the surface
And I can almost see the youth in their minds
Paper pushers I guess
But the impression? :Endless voices,
Voices and no faces on the other end
A sense of desperation
Of the smallest rung in the ladder
Of the smallest link in the food chain
To be swallowed up in one bite
And leave no trace
I tread carefully through their troubled waters
Desperate to leave no further eddies
To add to their pain
But I am overwhelmed by frustration
Wounds and tasks left undone
Lie littered everywhere
And they are not mine to do
Yet I do them
Costing myself a little learning
And them nothing
But the voices, the endless voices
And none of them mine
And the travelling, always travelling
Moving without moving a step
Shuttled from place to place
Draining, like the lack of green
Tiring, like the lack of face
The trap of words as I'm leaving
Words, endless words
And some of them lies
Leave me! Let me go!
I'm breaking
And strangely, in the end,
There is some pain.
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The factory disappears
The people little more than ghosts
And faint buzzing voices in my ear
The faintly grimy sunless world a distant memory.
True reality becomes the sideline:
Whiteness reflects off the shimmering surfaces
Of echoed sand and sea
People wander by clad only for the beach
My reality is the classroom, the desert and the waves
The dream dies,
Leaving only the mists of fairyland blankness
To obscure my senses
Economy of movement lends a certain grace
To the blurred eternal motion of others
But the mind dies slowly, eaten away,
Drudgery creates the drudge
The mouth silenced by the endless noise
Speech becomes the last desperate attempt of communication
Communication the last thing on my mind
I cling desperately as I begin to loose grip
On the classroom, the desert and the waves
But hope breaks like the tide
Gently ebbing at the shore unnoticed
Connections form, friendship awakes
From the small bonds of a smile
Communication no longer the lost art,
Becomes the light sent out by the other side:
A look shared, mouthed words,
A common sense of what is to be done
Making conversation in the lulls
More than a mere act of politeness
Though we speak the dullest of dulls
The classroom, the desert, the waves fades away.
Then, among the others, something different
A look shared that is not just a look
A smile sent out that means more than a smile...
The association stumbles
Reft of words, slowed reactions
Creates images that are lies
With no method to deny
But the confusion breaks
Under the influence of a smile
And then...time
The sand falls out of the hour glass
Never to rewind
An unfinished ache lingers
Now all that remains are the echoes:
The classroom, the desert, the waves
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My brain a weaving/woven net of possibilities
Through which slip simple facts as these
A time, a place, an act, of memory
It puzzles me that you cannot even fathom
The shallows of my thought
But then with just one look see me with clarity
As if one page of my book's in latin
And the other not
I do not understand your razor edges
That hide behind synchronity
I almost think you do not want to understand
Afraid that underneath you is another me
Life is not so simple as you would like it to be
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Don't look me in the eye
What's in my head is mine
I have to walk away
And just feel the pain inside
Was one step that side
From letting myself belive the lie
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And I just think I've waited far too long
He's stood me up once too often
On the edge of love and wrong
And I just know I've been so very frightened
Frightened every dream of love
Will turn out to be true
Then taken away
Frightened if I reach up
It'll tumble down
I want to be loved for who I am
It's something said so often, I understand
Want my friends to love me
To keep on up above me
And bring me down
I want to find love and marriage
All that crap with horse and carriage
Grow old enough to appreciate
The tumble down
I want to wake up knowing
That nothing's ever going
To run away
That people still love me, anyway
No longer frightened by the tumble down
I'm falling, falling, falling,
Falling in love again
Falling to my knees
Falling from grace
Just as everything is falling into place
Don't you know you have to fall
To get up again
Even if you tumble down
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So there's nothing new between us
Nothing good on which to chew
Nothing worth the hanging on to
But I guess it'll have to do
Got so tired of games
Can't be bothered to name names
You're an emotional waste of space
Too drained to even hate
There's nothing new between us
Nothing worth the waiting for
Nothing left that could make a difference
And I'm not impressed anymore
Devotion, passes away
Apathy, grow day by day
I have no revenge for love gone sour
But this hotbed of indifference
Where once I nearly drowned
Serves a vengeance of a kind
Turbulent waters
Have calmed down
To make way for pacific seas
Nothing left to bother me
Maybe once I broke through
You saw and I knew
But we were scripted to different movies
The connection disappeared as it grew
Endless romancing love
But only in my mind
Don't know what I was thinking of
But it's no longer you
Trail of passion that was not
Has disappeared somehow
Don't think I cared much anyway
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But I still don't see
How to live, love, let him be
What I'll do if he gets away from me
Of stood between choosing
He chooses to be free
Thought myself
Into a corner
Over complicated
What's friend or lover
Nothing I can do
Maybe I won't have to choose
Maybe this time
I don't have to loose
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Dressed for death or war
If the two are not the same
I wonder if your innocence has gone
The energetic child that used to be
Frowning,
I strain to remember what once was
To remember a name
But now, almost painfully all that remains
Of a time rich with more than faces, names and places
Only these remain, and are only fragmentary
The pathways of memory are strange
That dusty yesterday,
Yet not so in my mind
Images clouded as if unvisored
By my double metal rimmed window panes
Shot through with brief clippings
Of love and pain
And yet he remembers
It does not give him pain
And suddenly I realise
Old wounds, old ghosts have almost gone
Leaving space to collect more again
Maybe this new face is not a lie
Maybe I'm not with the company of walking wounded
Maybe I'm alive!
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