 | Pedal-powered dialysis machines. |
| Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure," |
| Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and
Peace," |
| You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape. |
| Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters. |
| Exam room has a tip jar. |
| You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the
anesthesia kicked in. |
| "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?" |
| Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers. |
| "Take two leeches and call me in the morning," |
| The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip. |
| Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle. |
| Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep. |
| Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard
from Chernobyl in their pocket. |
| "Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs. |
| Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana. |
| Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer
park," |
| Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube. |
| Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a
day." |
| Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine. |
| Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter. |
| Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams. |
| Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, you sissy." |
| To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses
you. |
| Recycled bandages. |
| You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is dry. |
| Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last
month. |
| 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK |
| Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier. |
| Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward. |
