With the second production of the year, the powers that be decided that they had had enough with trying to convert school audiences through grand plays about humanity. The tradition of serious drama that had been established by the previous two years' performances of "Hamlet" and "The Crucible" were abandonded in favour of the verbally daunting and ideologically existentialist British playwright Tom Stoppard. And just in case "The Real Inspector Hound" was too daunting for potential audiences it was decided the sure-fire way to success would be employed. So the second part of the double bill was 'Crimebusters", full to the brim with loud music, fireworks and scantily clad dancing girls.

When auditions were announced the traditional mis of egotists, hopefuls and med. school applicants turned out. The auditions for the play ran basically the same as ay other year (read: nothing happened and it was boring.) The auditions for the dances were a much different story. Never before had unintentional improvised comedy been of such a high level. The brilliant slapstick nature of the auditions put Aristophanes to shame as Grammar students sought (almost completely unsuccessfully) to master the skills of stepping forward and holding your hands like a gun. At first these two movements were fine. But descent into mayhem soon began when they were combined with music in the background. The final seeds of disaster were sown when auditionees were asked to move their arms and step foward, with many of those who had turned up simply to be able to answert the 'what extra-curricular activities have you taken part in' question almost getting experience in eye surgery. (Incidentally, the use of guns in the play did in fact result in a visit to an emergency clinic, as it was found that BB guns can injure.)

Dealing first with the play (which was decided to be the most important part of the show by the actors.) Tom Stoppard's plays are noted for their highly complex language and the demands placed upon the audience because of the wealth of reference and complexity which underlies a simple surface. Words such as 'ubiquitous' and 'obliquity', coupled with refernces to Kafka, Satre, Shakespeare, St Paul et al had the actors so worried that they decided against learning any lines to save the audience from the embarrassment of having to understand the play. The technique worked surprisingly well until the call went out for scripts to be left off-stage, when the flaws in the theory became quickly apparent. Luckily for the actors, however, the introduction of a wheelchair and two ennis racquets saved them. As the directors tried to find a way to stop the wheelchair careening into the audience, Messrs Hikaka and Hunter showed why they are the greatest things ever to walk the eath by using the racquets to invent and become champions of a game known as Ultimate Indoor Tennis. The distraction which was provided by thses two challenges gave enough time for lines to be learnt. Special mention must be made of Chris Haden, who so convincingly played the dead body that no one noticed he was not there. The directors so enjoyed his performance that they hired a 5'6" chaise lounge to hide the 6'4" Chris, thereby enabling all to see his marvellous performance.

In rehersal for the dancing the latent talent which Grammar students have for dancing was revealed. As a result it was decided that all major parts would be danced by girls. unfortunately because the major parts were all male crime fighters, spies or criminals the logistics soon became a nightmare. The answer was soon found with clever choreography. Dances all soon followed the same simple pattern:

1. Move male dancers onto stage during blackout.
2. Have them stand still.
3. Move hordes of girls onto stage so that they hide the males, who must remain perfectly still throughout the entire piece of music.
4. Get girls to dance until music stops, and hope nobody in the audience noticed that the most action-packed move undertaken by James Bond was a self-conscious snigger.

Magically, as soon as it was announced that boys would be on stage, the amount of important commitments increased to such a level that the actors from "Inspector Hound" one day found themselves ambushed and forced into dancing roles.

A highlight of this year's production were the two traditional assembly performances. While these are usually mundane outings which no one in the school can see or remember, this year both were punctuated by unforgettable moments of live drama. At Epsom Girls, the actors had to follow a very intimidating performance by a Korean fan dancing group. This so unnerved one of the actors that he lost control of the infamous wheelchair and in a reckless idsplay of self-indulgent crowd entertainment, tipped the chair over and found himself stranded on his side in the middle of the stage infront of 1500 twittering schoolgirls. Subsequent attempts to right himself further increased the mirth of the audience and the ire of the others on stage, whose eyes sent the clear message that if the wheelchair was not up soon then the stranded soul would be confined to it for the rest of his life. Luckily the brilliant improvisational skills of one of the group took hold and the situation was remedied. The next performance was at assembly in the great hal at Grammar. the wheelchair was not an issue and so different means had to be used to make some impression upon the audience. It came in the form of one of the dancers, who had decided that her costume for the performance would be a tight, revealing blue dress. Or, at least, some of a blue dress, as most of the material was missing. It had obviously been decided that preserving the environment was more important for that girl then preserving dignity. The response from the Grammar audience was eletric, and it was no doubt the blue dress that sold the most tickets at the school.

Accolades must go to the backstage workers. Without their work the actors would be standing naked on stage in a pitch black theatre. They also provided many other useful functions, such as raising and lowering pictures of Carmen Sandiego, opening and shutting doors and serving as the butt of many jokes. Special mention must be go to the make-up department, who allowed Mr Coleman to blackout his teeth and Mr Hikaka to add a moustache, beard, large sideburns and devil's eyebrows to his face every night. The costume department must also be thanked for not fainting when Mr Hunter walked on stage dressed as a porn star and Mr Hikaka walked on stage dressed like a circus clown. The gophers alos deserve special mention for the quiet and unobtrusive way they carried out their tasks: telepathically.

During the short season, the whole atmosphere of the show was fantastic. The students involved in very aspect of the show enjoyed themselves immensely. Special thanks must go to Ms Henry and Mrs Ali from Epsom Girls Grammar who directed the production, and Mrs Gillespie whose ability to get Grammar boys roughly in time with each other was legendary. Those involved with the production can be proud to have been part of such an enjoyable and successful exhibition.

AUTHORS NOTE: The above text was submitted for entry into the school Chronicle as the official report on the produciton in accordance with the wishes of Messrs Kirby and Gibbs. Unfortunately, an editing process may take place and so any changes that appear in the article in the Chronicle are not sanctioned or approved by the original author.

Author: Ken Ginn, 7A 1999

Email: kenginn@hotmail.com