Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that
God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year
old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only
son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.
Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for
a long time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God,
and that she was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference
this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship
existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in time,
verily".
Independent counsel Kenneth Beazulbub immediately filed a brief with the Justice
Department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may
have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his
illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise
Men". Beazulbub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have
acted as go-betweens in the affair.
Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that
Beazulbub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale
flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months,
Beazulbub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the
large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as
well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorra was to divert
attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in
Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for
political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career,
much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher
punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a
"tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of Ten "Commandments",
which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill
have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and
lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as
being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.