“Stop changing the words! Alright, alright... eh... when she realized that when he was saying “As you wish” what he really meant was “I love you.” Even more amazing was the realization that she...” the flip of a page, “was a man!” 

“Man was not! No! Right get it!” 

“She was not a man! Get it right! I took some liberties on that one.” Another riffling page. “Ok... that she truly loved him back.” 

“Man, you need to have a serious talk with that belt of yours, Master Yoda.” With an abrupt nod, Yoda stepped out into the hallway, unbuckling his belt as he went. After a few moments of loud thumps, a muffled scream, and the words “Have you I do!” Yoda reentered, grinning from ear to ear. He opened his mouth to speak and, in the voice of the belt, said “I believe it will work fine now.” 

“Good. Get on with the story.” 

“Alright.” He licked his big toe and flipped the page, picking up where the belt left off. 

“Vampy Fangs, fetch me that carburetor.” Lestat had been just on his way out the door when Reea called him back. Dressed in his usual overalls that made his hair seem all the more lovely and his pearly fangs stand out even more, and no you don’t want to know how overalls can do all that and still be a very functional garment, he stepped closer to her, not saying a word and somehow prodding her on to be a bit more polite for once. “Please.” She added that a little more quietly, and with slightly less command in her voice. Reaching up for the carburetor, he made a face at the grease but handed it to her anyway. 

“As you wish.” He grinned, striking dramatic pose 573. 

“Oh come on, don’t do that.” 

“What?” The belt was still behaving. 

“I get enough goop on daytime TV, don’t subject me to this too.” 

“Alright, you’re sick, I’ll humor you.” Yoda toed a few more pages out of the way and continued reading. 

“Lestat had left all his money with his family on Earth in France, and therefore couldn’t afford the really expensive wedding that the most beautiful droid repair-woman on Tatooine and quite likely in the rest of the Universe as well deserved. It was a very emotional time for Reea.” 

“You have to leave? Dang...” Reea looked vaguely dissappointed, but not especially upset. “Promise you’ll come back?” 

“Of course.” 

“Really?” 

“Hear this now: I shall always come for you.” 

“What if you get ravaged by a horde of stampeding Banthas?” He shook his head, more to display his glorious mane than to signal his obvious confusion at such an... odd question from his intended. “I’ll fly over them, silly. I can do that.” 

“Oh...” She looked away, this time really dissappointed because he didn’t have a more dramatic line for that. He lifted her chin with one finger. 

“I can tell you want something more dramatic. How can I refuse?” Taking a deep breath, he delivered his next prewritten line. “This is true love. Do you think this happens everyday?” Striking dramatic pose 17, he kissed her forhead and walked off into the sunrise, pack slung over one shoulder, squinting and cursing the authors for not making it the moon instead. 

“Lestat never reached his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Chuckles, who everyone knows kills his victims in the most painful ways possible and never takes prisoners in any case. Reea was heartbroken.” 

A shot of Reea visciously attacking a droid that she couldn’t fix properly. “I SHALL NEVER LOVE AGAIN!!!” She yelled in her rage and then ran off to her room to take a shower. 

“Years passed, five to be exact, and Prince Jeffrey chose her to be his bride.” 

Standing on a balcony, facing a holo-camera set at a suitably dramatically low angle, to make him look taller, Jeffrey addresses the masses, all ten people actually watching his address live. “My people! A month from now, our Kingdom will celebrate it’s 5,000th Anniversary. On that Sundown, I shall marry a lady who was once a bit more common than she is now. Would you like to meet her?” There is a long moment of silence before somone poked the sound effects technician, who accidentally hit the “sounds of crickets chirping button” before realizing that wasn’t the right one and hitting the “loud cry of yes from assembled masses” button. Reea stepped up at Jeffrey’s side, looking decidedly unimpressed. Jeffrey grinned and put her in a headlock and gave her a noogie before releasing her. Realizing he was on TV, he resumed the “acceptable” expression of regal almightyness that his tutors had worked so hard to get him to get right. Reea glared at him, fixing her hair, before turning on her heel, heading out the back door of the studio, and hopping on her motorcycle. “Despite Jeffrey’s advisors assurances that she would one day learn to love the madman... er.. Prince, Reea could not. Her only joy came in her daily ride. Or, in the case of days like the day of his address, escape attempt.” 

Reea zooms past a grove of trees on her motorcycle, stops, then goes back, wondering what a grove of trees are doing on Tatooine. She is greeted by the sight of The Librarian, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and a short, twelve year old punk vampire named Danny. The Librarian is the first to speak. 

“A word, Reea? We got lost on our way back to the Library. Are we anywhere near it?” 

“No, there’s nothing anywhere near here, not for miles.” 

“Then there will be no one to hear you scream.” 

Reea blinked as Danny took a small black box out of the pocket of his jacket, pointed it at her, and pushed the button on it’s top. For no apparent reason, she started giggling, then fell off her motorcycle unconscious. Danny dragged her along by her ankle to a hovership hidden behind the fake grove of trees. The Librarian posted a sign on the side of the motorcycle stating “We Did It” on the official stationary of the Guilderian Embassy. Obi-Wan just happened to glance up from the very interesting task of tying up Reea with crepe paper. 

“What are you doing?” 

“Framing Guilder.” 

“Who’s Guilder?” Danny piped up inquisitively. 

“Guilder, the Kingdom across the Dune Sea, the sworn enemy of Florin!” Turning back to the motorcycle, she frowned. “They’ll find it soon enough.” She turned and boarded the hovership, pointed out over the southern horizon, the one away from the equator and towards the side of Tatooine that George Lucas doesn’t know about and we’ll thank you not to tell him because we like it and plan to build a summer home there. The trees are really quite lovely. Lestat agrees with us. So does Westley. Waitaminute... we locked him in the Library, how’d he get loose? Whoops.. you’ll find out about that when we get to the handy dandy swamp... 

They whizzed out across the sand. As the sun set, Reea woke up in time to hear a truly interesting argument. Obi-Wan seemed to be finding the sand behind them fascinating. The Librarian was getting aggravated. 

“Why are you doing that?” 

“Are you sure there’s no one following us?” 

“That would be inconcievable.” The Librarian worked her way through the rather long word. She hated this script.