the star trek parody - act 5
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ACT V (yeah, five acts, not four)
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[outside Engineering, Kirk addresses crew. the buzzing of the pizza bats is audible.]
Kirk: We're going to need every ounce of overacting we can muster. On my signal, get in there and ham it up!
[Scott forces open the door to Engineering and they rush in. pizza bats are clinging to the walls. Decker runs around in wide circles screaming incoherently and foaming at the mouth. The others do their part.]
Uhura: Captain, I'm frightened!
Rand: Look at my legs now!
Chekov: It was inwented in Russia!
Sulu: [fencing an imaginary partner] Aye, sir!
McCoy: I'm a doctor, not an actor!
Chapel: Spock, I've always loved you!
Scott: The engines canna take nae more, Captain!
Kirk: I'm responsible for the lives of 430 crewmen!
Spock: [working with tricorder] Captain, we do not have enough overacting.
Kirk: Mr. Spock, be emotional -- that's an order!
[Spock rushes to embrace Chapel and they start ripping off clothes; the others repeat their lines more fervently. Kirk whips out a handy copy of the U.S. Constitution and starts reading (as he did in "The Omega Glory"). Music is building to crescendo throughout the scene. Wesley innocently enters.]
Kirk: We, the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect Union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, ...
[Decker sees Kirk's paper and makes a beeline for him...]
Kirk & Decker: provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity do ordain and establish this Constitution of the United States of America.
[Music has risen to climax; cymbals crash ... and the pizza bats all fall to the floor ... dead. All fall silent, panting, out of breath. Wesley has collapsed from the strain of watching.]
McCoy: Not bad for a Canadian ham, eh?
Kirk: We're not through yet. Spock, Scotty, we need that power now. Sulu and Uhura, come with me. The rest of you, load up for the final phase of the plan.
[Kirk, Sulu, and Uhura arrive back on bridge. ST:TNG crew is standing around.]
Kirk: Open fire on the Planet-Killer, Mr. Sulu.
Sulu: Aye, aye, sir. Phasers locking. Firing.
Uhura: [in Chekov's usual position] Direct hit. No damage.
Sulu: Planet-Killer has closed and caught us in its tractor beam.
Picard: Are you mad?
Kirk: Possibly. You'd better get off the saucer NOW. I'm going to separate, ram the Planet-Killer, and explode the impulse engines.
Decker: [bursting in] Don't you think I know that!
Data: Captain Picard, I suggest we exit!
[all TNG folk save LaForge jam into turbolift and bug out; LaForge, whose "eyes" are obviously malfunctioning, bumps into a wall. Uhura walks over to him.]
Uhura: Hey, Janice and I thought you were kinda cute ... and, well, we felt bad about your hair band getting smashed, so we had Scotty whip up some new eyes for you...
[hands LaForge some funky-looking Ray-Ban sunglasses; LaForge puts them on]
Uhura: [looking at LaForge] Nice shades, man.
LaForge: Ooh, thanks. [looks around] Outasight! I feel so hip now.
Uhura: Remember your roots, brother.
[LaForge exits]
Scott: [voice over intercom] < Warp engines functioning. Mr. Spock has wired the impulse engines to fuse. I'm on my way up there. >
Kirk: Matt, join the rest of them. Get off the saucer.
Decker: [suddenly calms] Kirk, you know what this means to me. I'm ready to die with you.
Kirk: We're not going to die. This will be a new beginning.
[Scott enters and starts working on the Captain's chair.]
Sulu: Separating saucer now. Impulse engines in reverse, holding against the Planet-Killer. Scott: We're ready, Captain. The impulse engines will fuse 5 seconds after this switch is set. You beam out with the rest of them -- I can handle this.
[on the viewscreen, we see "the duck" (NCC-1701D minus saucer) warping away; Decker hisses -- the TNG crew has abandoned them! Sulu moves the field of view to .... the NCC-1701! Scott and Kirk turn to look.]
Kirk: Scotty, I want you on that ship. [grins] You don't trust Spock and McCoy to run her, do you?
Scott: Aye, Captain. Decker: What in the blazes is going on, Kirk?
Kirk: The crew has been re-assembling the Enterprise from the mass of this saucer... we needed the power of the warp engines to put that final breath of life into the lady we love.
Spock: [over intercom] < Captain, you have 20 seconds. > Kirk: Four to beam up, Mr. Spock. Now.
[Scott, Uhura, Sulu, and Decker are transported away. Kirk moves to the helm ... an overdose of dramatic music starts to build up.]
Spock: < You have 15 seconds. >
Kirk: Lock onto me, Mr. Spock. [the mouth of the Planet-Killer now fills entire viewscreen ... even more dramatic music]
Spock: < 10 seconds ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ... 6 ... > Kirk: [pulls switch] Now! [as usual, the transporter fails during the typical end-of-episode crisis. Spock and Scotty fiddle with the controls of the transporter ... Kirk is perspiring heavily now]
Kirk: Mr. Spock, I suggest you hurry.
Spock: < 1 ... 0 .. energize. >
[the saucer explodes while Kirk is de-materializing ... we see several seconds of effects -- explosion in Planet-Killer and Kirk materializing on TOS ship ... Kirk finally appears. McCoy rushes up to transporter platform]
Chekov: [over intercom] < The Planet-Killer is dead! > [all loosen up in relief ... Kirk sighs.]
Kirk: Gentlemen, how many times have you done this faulty-transporter trick to me at the end of an episode?
Spock: Including the original series, the cartoons, and the movies, approximately ...
Kirk: [interrupting] No, don't tell me. I don't want to know.
[music and break for last commercial]
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