the star trek parody - epilogue

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epilog

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[on the bridge of the TOS Enterprise; all are busily engaged in their duties.]

Kirk: [to Spock] Like Scotty promised, it's my Enterprise. It's even full of redshirts ... what a nice touch.

McCoy: I knew you'd be needing a few and persuaded some TNG extras to come over.

Spock: Sir, was it wise to bring back Decker?

Kirk: Spock, I need men like him, like my friend, the original Matt Decker, the only man in the galaxy who could overact more than I.

McCoy: Just keep him away from the cordrazine. [Spock starts to turn back to his post, but pauses]

Spock: You haven't yet told me how you prevented the Betamax from discerning that you were concealing the truth.

Kirk: Very simple, Mr. Spock. I anticipated that she would read my mind, so I had prepared a signal for Yeoman Rand to start playing with my genitals. The resulting blitz of my mental reaction overpowered Troi's defenses and drove her into an instant sexual frenzy.

[Behind Kirk's back, Rand sticks finger in mouth and pretends to gag. She turns to exit.]

Kirk: Yeoman, where are you going? Rand: I have a date with the writer of this parody ... he's been waiting twenty years for this.

[Rand exits. Enter Chapel with black hair. She's wearing a uniform from "The Cage".]

McCoy: [whispers] Jim, she's telling us she's Number One now.

Kirk: Who is Number One?

Chapel: You are, Number Six.

Spock: Apparently she is suffering from a common malady. Series disorientation ...

McCoy: Just a minute. I'm still the doctor around here. Series disorientation occurs when a character has the delusion of being another character in a TV series.

Kirk: You mean, I could get this and suddenly believe I'm "The Skipper" from "Gilligan's Island"?

McCoy: Or worse.

Chapel: [dreamily] In the original pilot, *I* was Number One.

McCoy: [injecting her with a sedative] She'll be good as new again in no time.

[Wesley pops out of turbolift; all crew suppress grimaces]

Wesley: Captain, sir, Sub-ensign Crusher reporting for duty, sir.

[Spock and McCoy glare at Kirk. Sulu and Chekov exchange looks. Scott draws his phaser. Uhura makes a face.]

Kirk: Sub-ensign Crusher, here is your equipment. Guard it well.

[Kirk hands Wesley what is obviously a toilet-bowl scrubber adorned with flashing lights on the bristles.]

Kirk: You can start with the heads on Deck 1. And, Mr. Crusher, I want them so clean you can eat off them. And you WILL eat off them if they don't pass inspection.

Wesley: Yes, sir! [rushes off bridge]

McCoy: Jim, don't you think you're being a little hard on the Beaver?

Kirk: On the contrary, Bones, I think that a little discipline is just what he needs to become an officer.

Spock: I fail to see what would motivate you to help such an intractably obnoxious brat.

Kirk: Haven't we all had those bratty little phases in our youth?

[looks nostalgic]

Terrorizing the teachers ... looking down girls' shirts ... holding up 7-11's ...

[Spock raises eyebrow]

ah, I guess you wouldn't know about those things.

McCoy: You see, Spock, there's still a few things you can learn about us humans.

Spock: Evidently, doctor. I will consult with you the next time I hold up a 7-11.

Kirk: Spock, I'm not the same man I was then.

McCoy: Jim, whatever has happened to us, wherever these bodies of ours came from, you're the real Jim Kirk, and I'm the real McCoy.

Kirk: Right. I've got my ship, my crew, and lots of redshirts.

Sulu: [jumping up] So let's go kick some serious ass now!

[everyone stares at Sulu; he sits down and plays with his console; Kirk smiles.]

Scott: Warp engines ready to go, sir. And tell Mr. Sulu to be gentle with them.

Kirk: Thank you, Mr. Scott. Ahead Warp Factor One, Mr. Sulu. Sulu: Where, sir?

Kirk: Hm... Uhura, open a communications channel to...

Uhura: Where, sir?

Spock: Sir, it seems that we no longer have a mission.

Kirk: No!

[looks very agitated; music builds up to foreshadow impending overacting]

Kirk: We DO have a mission. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Our five-year mission -- to explore strange new worlds, seek out new life and civilizations, to boldly go where no man [Uhura clears throat] -- or woman -- has gone before!

[cut to scene of Enterprise shrinking off into the distance, finally vanishing in a sea of stars]

Announcer: And now a look at next week's exciting all-new episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation...

[scene of bridge crew all wearing white naval-type uniforms... Love-Boat theme music starts up ... "Trek -- exciting and new -- come aboard, we're expecting you..."]

Voiceover: Tempers flare when the Enterprise takes a swinging couple to Mazatlan!

Announcer: And on next week's Star Trek: ROTOS (Return Of The Old Series) ... the Enterprise goes back in time to obliterate NBC corporate headquarters! [scene of 30 Rockefeller Plaza being melted by phasers. cut to bridge]

Spock: I would have preferred that we gone back and rescued Zarabeth from "All Our Yesterdays".

Kirk: It's too late for that, Spock, she's teamed up with James Garner now.

Spock: Am I being admonished by the man who became amorously involved with Joan Collins in "The City on the Edge of Forever"? I think YOU have taken a little too much LDS. Sir.

STAR TREK is a registered trademark of Paramount Pictures Corp. registered in the United States Patent Office.