the star trek parody - act 4

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ACT IV

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[Kirk and crew are walking down corridor; Picard and co-stars step out from turbolift and block them.]

Picard: This has gone far enough. You are NOT going to run this ship. You are going to stop right this instant.

Kirk: Oh yeah? Make me, buster.

Picard: What?

Chekov: [taunting Worf] I made it with a Klingon woman once.

Sulu: Wasn't that your brother Pyotr?

Chekov: Him too.

[Worf growls and advances on Chekov. Grand melee breaks out. Chekov kicks Worf in the knee; Worf doubles over and Chekov punches him in the face. Spock invites Data for a quick game of 3D-chess. Yar gyrates around Sulu in various martial-arts style poses; Sulu calmly reaches out and socks her in the nose. McCoy quickly administers a whopper of a sedative to Crusher. Scotty swipes LaForge's hair band/eyes and hands it to Rand.]

Scott: Lass, will ye be wantin' something for yer hair?

[Rand tucks the band in her mound of hair and rams Troi in the chest with her head. ]

Rand: Scratch one Betamax Troicorder.

[LaForge wanders around. Meanwhile, Spock checkmates Data, who then punches himself in the jaw, knocking himself unconscious. Riker stands before Uhura and grins. Uhura decks him with a massive blow to the mouth.]

Riker: Oooh, my teeth! I think one's loose! Dentist! Dentist!

[Kirk faces off against Picard, who stands motionless and appears bewildered. Kirk jumps up and down, circling, flipping over a couple times as if averting blows from Picard. Somehow in the process, he gets his face dirty and tears his shirt open. Finally, he punches Picard, who falls down.]

Chapel: I didn't get to slap anyone!

Kirk: To the bridge. We haven't much time.

Rand: Sorry 'bout the specs.

[hands crushed hair band to LaForge.]

[scene change to Kirk and crew stepping onto bridge from turbolift. Kirk strides to Captain's chair and flips the intercom switch.]

Kirk: This is Captain James T. Kirk of the TOS starship Enterprise. I am assuming command of this ship. All hands to battle stations. Red Alert.

[Uhura has activated the "red alert" ... sadly, we don't get deafening klaxons and numerous flashing red lights. Kirk looks a little annoyed.]

Kirk: Lieutenant, put us on Double Secret Probation Red Alert.

Uhura: Yes, sir, full sound effects coming up.

[now we get the old TOS effects...]

[suddenly, Picard and crew limp off turbolift.]

Kirk: What are you doing on the bridge, mister?

Picard: It's my mother. She's trying to set me up with Troi. You've got to hide me.

Voice: [Picard's mother on intercom] < Jean-Luc, come out! Has anyone seen my boy Jean-Luc Picard? His mother wants him right now! >

Kirk: [presses intercom switch] Captain Picard was last seen in Engineering.

Voice: < Thank you, young man. >

Spock: Was that wise, sir?

Kirk: Mr. Spock, it was the human thing to do.

[Picard starts to speak but Q materializes on the bridge.]

Q: What utter barbarians!

Picard: No, Q, not now.

Kirk: I can deal with this. [to Q] If you don't leave right now, we're going to tell your Mommy. And Mr. Spock here will ... [nudges Spock]

Spock: inform your Father.

Q: No, you wouldn't.

Kirk: We would and we will. Mommy won't be too happy with you. The chances of your getting a new planet for your birthday are so small that ... well, Mr. Spock, how small would you estimate the probability?

Spock: The odds are approximately 42,987.308 to 1.

Q: That bad?

Spock: Precisely.

Kirk: That's it. Leave or we're gonna tell your Mommy.

Q: You're no fun. [vanishes] [Kirk flashes a grin at Spock, who appears vaguely annoyed.]

Kirk: Time to get to work, gentlemen. First, a drill. Bridge lurch! Left!

[entire TOS crew lean to the left]

Kirk: Bridge lurch right! Left!

[all lean to the right, then quickly back to the left. Scotty topples over onto the floor and Uhura is clinging to the edge of her seat. Picard and crew stand watching with mouths hanging open.]

McCoy: Haven't you people ever seen a bridge lurch before?

Kirk: Spock, you and Scotty ought to be able to restore some power. Take McCoy and Nurse Chapel to go deal with the Cloud Vampire. We'll handle the rest up here.

[Spock, Scotty, McCoy, and Chapel exit. Rand moves to Spock's station. Wesley enters and walks behind Sulu, peering over his shoulder; Sulu swats at him as if brushing away a fly. Wesley moves behind Chekov.]

Chekov: Keptin, that pesky boy is here again.

Wesley: The name's "Wes", "Wes Crusher".

Chekov: OK, Ves.

Wesley: No, it's "Wes". Chekov: That's what I said, "Res".

Wesley: No, read my lips -- [slowly] W-W-W-W-W-E-E-S-S-S.

Chekov: Oh -- Wes ...

Wesley: Yes!

Chekov: Wes Cwushah.

Wesley: No!!

[goes and bangs head against wall; Chekov shrugs]

[lights dim and ship shudders]

Kirk: Mr. Sulu, steady as she goes. Uhura, see what's keeping Spock and Scott. Yeoman, over here.

Spock: [over intercom] < Spock, here, Captain. Mr. Scott has bypassed the circuits in Engineering. Ready for first phase. >

McCoy: [interrupting, over intercom] < McCoy here. The Cloud-Vampire is in the transporter room. Tell Dr. Crusher I'm sorry we used her blood bank as bait. Sealing all vents. There's nothing there now but the Cloud and Scotty's anti-matter bomb. >

Spock: < Due to the Doctor's verbosity, we have 12 seconds before detonation ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ... >

Kirk: Scotty, beam it into the amoeba's nucleus! Now! Spock: < ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... >

[shift to Scotty working at a make-shift console in auxiliary control; catch shot of Cloud and bomb de-materializing in transporter room; quickly shift to Enterprise outlined against full-color view of amoeba, then back to bridge]

[lights dim, ship shakes, TOS crew performs typical bridge lurches; TNG crew knocked flat on asses; Troi flies across room into Kirk's lap; somehow, Kirk gets a mouthful. Riker pulls her away.]

Chekov: Keptin, look.

[stars are again visible on screen; the blackness caused by being within the Giant Amoeba is gone.]

Sulu: Three down, sir, two to go.

Kirk: Uhura, Mr. Spock will need your help. Keep in touch and watch for pizza bats.

Uhura: Aye, sir. [exits]

LaForge: I'd better go take a peek from the observation deck. [leaves]

Rand: I didn't have the heart to tell him that Mr. Scott finished off the brandy that LaForge had stashed down there.

Picard: Are you saying one of my crew is a closet alcoholic?

Kirk: Picard, evacuate your surviving people from the saucer section.

Troi: Captain Picard, be careful --

Kirk: We're going to need the saucer.

Troi: I sense deception! I sense --

[Kirk looks at Rand. Rand looks at Kirk. Suddenly Troi leaps onto Kirk and tries to pull his pants off. Riker pulls her away again.]

Riker: Deanna, does this mean it's all over between us?

Rand: Captain Lovey-Dovey. Bonk, bonk.

Picard: What is this evacuation order about? I demand to know.

Kirk: We may lose the saucer in the final fight. Just get your precious crew out.

Spock: [via intercom]: < Spock, here. Captain, we MUST recover Engineering. Auxiliary systems have all failed. >

Kirk: I thought you'd killed the pizza bats by turning up the lights in Engineering.

Spock: < Negative, Captain. We were unsuccessful. >

Chekov: Planet-killer is in pursuit again.

McCoy: [arriving from turbolift] Jim, our plan won't work! It's a different kind of pizza bat!

Decker: [from behind McCoy] My crew! My ship! All gone, destroyed. Kirk, you know what we must do.

Kirk: Bones, the pizza bats left Decker alone on the planet. And he's been wandering the ship while Picard's crew is being slaughtered.

Decker: Don't you think I know that!!

McCoy: [administers yet another sedative] So why did Decker survive?

Kirk: There must be something we're missing. Why avoid Decker and attack the ST:TNG crew? What makes Decker so different?

Sulu: Sir, you couldn't get one of the ST:TNG crew to act like Decker if you rectally penetrated them with electrified cattle prods.

Kirk: Acting ... like Decker. OVERacting ... like Decker. That's it. The pizza bats can't tolerate overacting.

McCoy: Jim, we can't be certain.

Kirk: We only have one chance, Bones.

[turns] Mr. Data, I'm going to need my crew in Engineering. I must count on you to maintain the helm.

Data: [waits for Picard to object] I will.

Kirk: Good. If you don't hear from us in 15 minutes, separate the saucer and destroy us. [Kirk and crew exit]

Data: I shall do so. [Data walks to helm, creaking as he goes.]

Picard: What is that noise?

Data: It is I, sir. The TOS women were testing some of my functions and the lubrication system failed in some of my bearings due to the unusually vigorous and repetitive motion.

Yar: [slugs Data] You SLUT!!

["Dynasty"-style music is heard and yet another commercial break begins]

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