the star trek parody - act 3

ACT III

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[scene opens with Kirk standing by a big stone wall with an old-fashioned wooden gate.]

Kirk: Open up! This is Captain James T. Kirk of the starship Enterprise!

Voice: [with outrageous French accent] Sppllll! I laugh in your general direction, teeny-minded animal food trough wiper. We will make castanets of your testicles. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

Spock: [walking up] Captain, Captain, wrong set! This is the "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" set.

Kirk: Oh.

[They walk off into the mist; French voice continues taunting. A huge wooden rabbit rolls up to the gate behind them.]

[fade to a large room. McCoy sits at a table.]

McCoy: Chief Medical Officer's Log, Stardate unknown. With the Captain mired in deep depression, we're all beginning to fall apart. Each one of us must face the question: are we living, breathing human beings or simply cardboard cut-out dolls in a low-budget space opera? [pause] Scotty's already gone to drink.

[Scotty is seen face down on a table amid a forest of empty whisky bottles.]

McCoy: Chekov's still mumbling about imaginary brothers.

Chekov: They killed my brother Ivan. Cossacks! Or was it Alexei? [Ed.'s note: make sure Chekov pronounces it "ee-VAHN".]

McCoy: Rand is calling herself a "cycle slut" and Nurse Chapel is just babbling.

[Rand is wearing a leather jacket and slurping down gin. Chapel is slouched in a corner mumbling.]

Chapel: Gene, get me out of here.

McCoy: As for Sulu and Uhura, they've been rutting like rabbits.

[cut to tabletop; we hear giggling, then we see the top of a light tan rump pop into view for a second, then thrust down, followed shortly by a darker brown rump for a few seconds.]

McCoy: And Spock's totally withdrawn into himself. Only I seem unaffected. Why? Is it because I'm just a good ol' country doctor? I don't know. I'm a doctor, not a pop psychologist. And I've got to heal these wounds. [turns to Kirk] Jim, snap out of it. Can we get you something?

Kirk: [in deep funk] Eat. Want to eat.

McCoy: Spock, do you hear that? Spock?

Spock: My senses are quite sound, Doctor.

McCoy: If you've got a drop of red blood in you, if there's any humanity left at all, you know what's happening to us. Look at the Captain, your friend.

[Spock gazes at Kirk and says nothing. Decker enters.]

Decker: It had a maw that could swallow a DOZEN starships.

McCoy: See him! Doesn't it remind you of all we've been through? If you won't save yourself, save this ship, save your friends.

[Gene Roddenberry enters. The crew all stop what they're doing and look.]

McCoy: Gene!

Roddenberry: Dee!

Chapel: Landru, save us!

ALL: Landru, guide us!

[Roddenberry is about to say something, but he catches sight of the medical device McCoy took from Crusher. He starts to suck his knuckles. Spock grabs the phaser Sulu discarded and shoots Roddenberry.]

McCoy: Spock, are you mad? You've killed Gene Roddenberry! And just before payday!

Spock: One would assume a doctor would be trained at observation, but I must make allowances in your case.

[Spock points to Roddenberry's body which gradually transforms to that of ... the Salt Vampire.]

McCoy: Well, pull out the tips of my ears and turn my blood green.

Spock: This scanner of Crusher's -- a salt shaker.

McCoy: No wonder she can't cure patients. And no wonder I couldn't pick up any life readings from us.

Spock: Quite true.

McCoy: [blushing] Next time I trust my instincts instead of those new-fangled gadgets.

Spock: Now, we must revive the Captain's ego. Shall we start with satisfying his appetite?

McCoy: All we have is some cheese and white bread.

Kirk: Toasted cheese sandwich?

Spock: [seriously] I must attempt the Vulcan Cheddar-Meld. It has never been done with plain white bread before, so please stand back -- it could be dangerous.

[eerie music sounds; Spock assumes lock of deep concentration; waves hands slowly over piece of cheese on bread; slowly the cheese melts]

Spock: [putting sandwich on plate and handing it to Kirk] Your toasted cheese sandwich, sir.

Scott: Can you do that with haggis too?

McCoy: I'd like fried chicken myself.

Kirk: Unh?

[he stares at the sandwich; Decker grabs it and wolfs it down.]

Decker: Yeah. Best toasted cheese I ever ate! Till my ship was destroyed! They didn't have a chance! I've got to stop that thing, that monster!

[McCoy gives Decker a sedative.]

McCoy: Spock, we'll have to try something else.

Spock: Jim, answer me. [no response]

Spock: "The frequency is open, but he doesn't answer."

Sulu: The galaxy's greatest womanizer -- now he's more impotent than a Denebian weenieworm.

McCoy: That's it -- we've got to get him laid. [stares at the women]

Uhura: Not me.

Rand: He had his chance.

Chapel: Gene is VERY possessive.

Chekov: Maybe you could all pick a straw...

McCoy: [pleading] You've GOT to do it...

[Uhura, Rand, and Chapel all look at one another, finally acknowledging a grudging assent]

[switch to transporter room -- the normal Wesley materializes. He is badly bruised and his sweater is in shreds.]

Crusher: Wesley, are you alright?

Wesley: It was neat. Except for being in the Agony Booth for so long. But then I got to have sex with the alternate-Yar. Lots of it. [sees Yar] She didn't wear a bra over there, either. [pauses, smirks] She didn't wear much of anything.

Picard: Shut up, Wesley.

Crusher: He's had a traumatic experience. [hugs Wesley, who makes a face] I'm just overjoyed to have my son back. [Picard glares] Well, maybe not overjoyed -- more like cautiously optimistic.

Wesley: I learned so many neat tricks. Captain -- do you know what happens when a person is sleeping and you put their hand in warm water?

Worf: An ancient Klingon warrior's trick! [back to TOS crew]

McCoy: Well, how did it go?

Uhura: Not too well.

Rand: He wouldn't look at my legs.

Chapel: He didn't even want to play doctor.

Spock: Quite uncharacteristic of the Captain.

McCoy: It's worse than I thought. He needs a challenge.

Sulu: Yar. [everyone glances at one another; Spock raises eyebrow]

McCoy: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's head for her cabin. [and back to the bridge again]

Crusher: Captain, I just can't figure out this darn flu!

Data: Sir, casualties are rising. I count 87 drained of blood, 48 drained of salt, and 54 driven insane by pizza bats. In addition, power reserves are down another 22.3%. But the Dow Jones is up 3 1/4.

Picard: [wearily] Have you broadcast on all frequencies that I surrender?

LaForge: It's not working, sir. What do we do? [Yar's cabin. TOS crew knocks and enters.]

McCoy: We'd like to ask you a favor... [prods Kirk] Jim, look!

Chekov: [whispering in Kirk's ear] No bra. I checked. Very good. [apologies to "Watchmen" fans]

Yar: I'm Security Chief. And that means I don't like intruders on my ship. Don't move. I've got you covered. [Yar raises phaser. Suddenly, a light appears in Kirk's eyes, as if galvanized by the threat.]

Kirk: [to Spock] That looks like a dustbuster to me.

Spock: I believe it is.

Yar: No, it's a phaser. [Sulu moves toward her; she aims the phaser, but instead of a light beam, we are treated to a standard vacuum-cleaner sound effect. Kirk, Sulu, and Chekov jump Yar and pummel her.]

Kirk: I want some answers now. [Yar moans, stands up, then leaps toward a shelf.]

Yar: [grabbing phaser-like object] Aha, here's my phaser. Don't move. I've got you covered.

Kirk: We're not frightened by your vacuum cleaner.

Yar: Make a move then.

Uhura: [softly] Captain, I believe it's a personal hygiene apparatus known as a blow dryer. [Kirk steps forward. Yar points, but only hot air comes out. Everyone jumps her and she's pummeled again.]

Yar: Ow, ooh, where's my goddamn phaser? [cut to bridge -- Troi is stepping off turbolift. Half her bun of hair is burned off. The left side of her face is blackened and little wisps of smoke are rising from her head. She has a pissed-off expression on her face.]

Riker: Deanna, that's ... that's a new look for you, isn't it?

Picard: Ah, Counselor Troi, good to see you introducing new fashions to the crew. I don't understand them myself, but...

Troi: [darkly] I sense GREAT stupidity. [all fall silent. Data continues to stare at Troi's head.] [back below decks... Spock, Scott, and McCoy have stepped out into the corridor.]

Spock: Doctor, Jim has not yet recovered all his confidence.

McCoy: I know. We need more time.

Scott: I've been doin' a wee bit o' thinking.

McCoy: Yes?

Scott: This is a big, big ship. A lot of matter. I'm thinking they might not miss it too much if we were to borrow a wee bit...

McCoy: Blast it, man, get to the point!

Spock: If I understand Mr. Scott correctly, might this "wee" bit be equivalent to the mass of NCC-1701?

Scott: Aye, Mr. Spock. Aye.

McCoy: You mean, you can re-create the Enterprise out of the mass of this ship?

Scott: The blueprints are in the computer. And if I canna run a holodeck-transporter combo better than any bawlin' boy brat then I'm nae real Scotsman at all.

Kirk: Am I invited to the party, gentlemen?

Spock: Mr. Scott has an interesting proposition.

McCoy: He's going to rebuild the Enterprise.

Kirk: My ship? [his shoulders stiffen; his voice quickens] Mr. Scott, have you something for us to go on?

Scott: Aye, sir, give me a few hours, and I'll have a brand-new Enterprise complete down to the bolts, just like the bonnie lass we know and love.

Kirk: Scotty, do it and you're Chief Engineer for life.

Spock: However, there are a few minor obstructions to Mr. Scott's progress.

Kirk: Which is why we need a plan, gentlemen... [Gene Roddenberry enters.]

Roddenberry: I was having lunch down at the commissary, and it was just so bland... you guys got some salt or pepper up here? [he absent-mindedly licks his knuckles] [TOS guys exchange glances.]

Scott: Fool me once, shame on you...

McCoy: Fool me twice, shame on me. [pulls out phaser and shoots Roddenberry] [They stand and look at the body and start shuffling around uncomfortably after a few seconds.]

Kirk: Bones, I've got a bad feeling about this.

McCoy: [stoops down] He's dead, Jim. [pause] You take the Rolex, I'll grab the wallet.

Spock: I suggest we leave the resolution of this matter to the ST:TNG scriptwriters.

Scott: And run like the devil himself were on our tail. [They break and run. Kirk barely suppresses the urge to go "woob-woob-woob" ala Curly of the Three Stooges.] [back on the bridge]

Worf: Morale is dissolving, sir.

Data: Dilithium crystal deterioration underway. Picard: It's time for action. Number One, prepare for a staff meeting.

Yar: [bursting off turbolift] The TOS crew! They overpowered me!

Kirk: [over intercom] < Picard, I'm coming to the bridge. >

Crusher: You can't. We've got the flu.

Kirk: < Your irrelevant subplot can wait till next week. I'm going to save this ship. Whether you like it or not. >

[dramatic music, break for commercial]

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