T he Star Trek parody - act 2

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ACT II

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[Kirk advances on Wesley aggressively]

Wesley: One more step and you're blubber, tubby.

Kirk: Now, uh, Wesley...

Wesley: That's LORD Wesley.

Kirk: Uh, your barn door's open.    

[Wesley looks down at his pants; Kirk knocks the phaser from his hand, then belts Wesley so hard that Wesley flies across the corridor into the wall and is knocked unconscious.]

Spock: [picking up phaser] Fascinating, Captain. What appears to be a portable vacuum cleaning device commonly known as a "dustbuster" is actually a phaser.

Chekov: Ah, yes, that was inwented by Peter the Great.

Kirk: Bones, what do you think?

McCoy: I'm a doctor, not a housekeeper. I just want to know where we are and how we got here.

Sulu: Captain, look, according to these readings, we are on the Enterprise, but it's not any Enterprise we ever knew ...

Uhura: And look at the date ... why, it ... it ... reads 80 years ahead of our time.

[dramatic music, focus on digital clock near holodeck control panel]

Kirk: Could it just be an extreme case of Daylight Savings Time?

Spock: No, logic tells us that we must have been catapulted into the future by this Wesley being.

[back on the bridge]

Yar: Sir, bodies have been found on Deck 11. Completely sucked dry of blood.

Picard: What? People aren't supposed to die on my ship. There must be a mistake.

Crusher: Captain, we've had some other casualties. They all have strange mottled markings on their faces. I don't think it's the flu.

Riker: Sir, what do we do?

Picard: We just had a staff meeting. I'll have to think of something. What else can go wrong?

Data: Sir, a shuttlecraft has just left the hangar deck.

Picard: Open a --

ALL: Communications channel opened, sir.

Picard: This is Captain Picard. Identify yourselves. I want that shuttle back here immediately.

Doug: < Just gettin' a couple of six-packs at Starbase 7-11. >

Bob: < Like, what does this button do, eh? >

Doug: < Don't touch that, hoser. >

Picard: You are to return immediately.

Bob & Doug: < Take off, hosehead! >

[shuttle disappears into the distance on viewscreen. Picard is miffed.]

Voice:

[unidentified, over intercom]

< There are monkey boys on the premises. >

Yar: Sir, more intruders. Near the holodeck. Shall I send a security team?

Picard: Yes, Lieutenant.

[Yar exits.]

Riker: You've got a fantastically clever strategic move planned, don't you, sir?

Picard:

[uncertainly at first, then more firmly]

All in good time, Number One, all in good time.

[ship shudders slightly.]

LaForge: Captain, look at the viewscreen! The stars are gone. I'll go down to the observation room for a better look at it.

Data: More disturbances on the holodeck, sir. I detect Ensign Crusher's handiwork.

Picard: Come with me, Worf. You too, Data. We'll settle this ourselves. Set phasers to obliterate-the-little-twerp setting.

Crusher: I heard that!

[back to hallway near holodeck]

Kirk: We need answers, gentlemen. Let's split up and...

[Troi, Yar, and Crusher arrive.]

Troi: I sense a great ego. I sense another mind ...

Yar: Halt. Identify yourselves!

Kirk:

[admiring Troi's ...uh... communicator]

That's an interesting piece of hardware there.

Yar: [tartly] It's her communicator.

Kirk:

[admiring Troi's other ...uh... side without the communicator]

I think she should have a matching pair.

Sulu: Watch out, those are even larger than Regulan boobworms.

Chekov: Keptin, it may be werry dangerous! Let me try it out first.

Crusher: Modern medicine has cured all speech impediments. You don't have to talk like that anymore.

Chekov: [muttering] Cossack!

Spock: Captain, I sense something, another mind.

[Spock and Troi see each other; their eyes meet; sweet music sounds; they draw together and mind meld]

Troi: Repressed! Uptight! Repressed! Oh, pain!

Spock: Is everyone looking at my cleavage?

McCoy: Jim, the mind meld's gone too far, we've got to stop it.

Chapel: I know what to do.

[she slaps Spock vigorously several times, with little effect. Spock and Troi start rubbing together.]

Troi & Spock: Peace! Joy! Happiness!

[Chapel slugs Troi, who falls, breaking the mind meld.]

Troi: [confused] Mom?

Spock: Thank you, Nurse.

Yar: You still haven't told me who you are.

[suddenly, the alternate-Wesley leaps up from the floor and grabs Yar's phaser]

Wesley: Now, we party, gang! Heh-heh-heh. The tall blonde's first.

[he points phaser at Rand, laughs evilly, and begins to pull down his pants.]

Crusher: I should never have let him read those Gor books.

[Kirk and Sulu rush to place themselves in front of Rand, but she waves them off.]

Wesley: Come on over, babe.

[Rand saunters over, looks down, and smirks.]

Rand: Your shoelaces are untied.

Wesley:

[looks down]

But I'm not wearing... oof!

[Rand delivers stunningly painful-looking groin kick. Sulu catches the phaser flying from Wesley's hands as he collapses in intense agony.]

Kirk: Looks like you've learned one of my old tricks, Yeoman.

Rand: Hunh. Piece of cake after Charlie X.

Yar:

[shouting]

Would you identify yourselves?!

Kirk:

[strutting up to her]

I

[pause]

am Captain James T. Kirk of the starship Enterprise.

Yar: Very funny. I'll tell Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the starship Enterprise.

[Kirk assumes stunned look as he realizes he's no longer captain. McCoy rushes up to him.]

Wesley:

[from the floor]

He's not a captain. He's not even a man. He's just a creation of my holodeck-transporter linkup. I assembled and built them all. Ooof!

[Rand and Uhura stomp on him.]

Kirk: Bones, can it be? Are we just soul-less machines, mindless automatons? Do we still have our human essence?

McCoy:

[grabs Crusher's medical scanner]

It's worse than that, we're dead, Jim.

Kirk: Bones, what are we?

Picard:

[arriving with Worf]

What is all this?

Data: I believe it's acting, sir, but not acting as we know it.

Picard: Acting? More like overacting. Can you imagine Shatner doing "I, Claudius"?

Data: Sir, memory banks indicate he was trained as a Shakespearean actor.

Picard: Baah.

[Data moves over to holodeck controls to examine what's happened.]

Chekov:

[aside, to Sulu]

Is that a Klingon?

Sulu:

[whispering back]

Yes, but the make-up is all wrong.

Worf:

[growls]

Kirk!

Yar: No, these are just some more of Wesley's toys.

Uhura: You ever seen a toy with soul like this?

[assumes defiantly sultry pose; Picard is non-plussed; Uhura and Rand exchange high-fives.]

Spock: Jim, I've studied the records of this ship. Due to sloppy writers, their holodeck is capable of anything. Their Wesley character is capable of anything. With no further facts, I can only speculate, but it may be that we are just duplicates of The Original Series crew.

McCoy: But our minds, what of them? What of our souls?

Spock: As I stated, I can only surmise that the Wesley being has duplicated us exactly. Even to the point of reproducing all the irritating characteristics of Doctor McCoy.

McCoy: I can see there was no problem copying all your circuits.

Worf: Someone fetch Data. He enjoys pointless bickering.

[Data walks back, but stops to examine Spock.]

Data: A Vulcan. Most intriguing.

Spock: An android. Fascinating.

[Data and Spock begin to circle each other.]

Data: Intriguing.

Spock: Fascinating.

[They begin to circle faster and faster, while repeating "Intriguing" and "Fascinating." Spock steps out.]

Spock: Intriguing.

Data: Fascinating. Intriguing. Fascinating. Intriguing ...

[Worf walks over and punches Data, breaking the infinite loop.]

Chapel: Doctor, look at the Captain, he's not taking this very well.

Kirk:

[miserably]

My ship. My ship is gone. What does it all mean now? What does it matter?

McCoy: Jim, get a life!

Picard: Lt. Yar, escort these hooligans away.

[Kirk numbly trails Yar and the rest of his crew follows.]

Worf: What about the boy?

Wesley: I'm not your Wesley. I'm from an alternate universe. And I'm gettin' the fuck outta here.

Crusher: It's not my Wes, Jean-Luc. He doesn't know the F-word.

Picard: Young man, I'll not have those words on my ship, especially from you, since you've been packaged to appeal to our younger viewers.

Wesley: Piss off!

[Worf boxes the side of his head.]

Wesley: Ow, shit!

[Worf smacks him so hard he flips over.]

Worf: The Captain doesn't like those words.

Wesley: [weakly] Yeah. Just get me to the transporter room and I'm gone.

Picard: Make it so, Worf.

[Worf escorts the alternate-Wesley away. All except Picard follow.]

Picard:

[to himself]

Well, I handled that rather well. Now I'll have Riker fix those other problems.

[A little old lady wobbles in from the holodeck.]

Lady: Jean-Luc, don't slouch, stand up straight!

Picard: Maman, is it you?

Maman: Yes, it is. Jean-Luc, why don't you get a toupe like that nice man,

Captain Kirk?

Picard: Maman...

Maman: And look at you. Thin as a rail. You haven't been eating enough. Just looking at Captain Kirk, I can tell HE eats when his mother tells him. And then some.

Picard:

[to himself]

It's just an illusion, a holodeck illusion.

Maman: It's that Crusher woman, isn't it?

Picard:

[getting dramatic]

Out, out, damned spot I say!

Maman: That's it. Not enough sex! And you call yourself a Frenchman! My poor Jean-Luc, I must find a woman for you.

[she wobbles off; Picard leans against bulkhead.]

Picard: I must have the damn flu. I'm seeing things.

[back on the bridge]

Riker: Status report, Data.

Data: Situation critical, commander. We are losing power to the Giant Amoeba, the Planet-Killer is closing in behind us, the Salt Vampire is loose on Deck 6, the Pizza Bats have infested DEC 20, and the Cloud-Vampire is cleaning out Engineering.

Riker: If Captain Picard were here, he'd fix this up in a minute.

Picard:

[arriving from lift]

I surrender, tell them all I surrender!

LaForge: Boy, we sure are in deep shit now.

[dramatic music, commercial break]

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