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ACT I

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Riker: Well, Captain, should I just sit here and grin some more?

Picard: Hmm... should you? [he looks out at the bridge crew for suggestions]

Data: We've started receiving a distress signal from the planet. Perhaps the Away Team should beam down.

Picard: Excellent suggestion. Make it so!     [Troi, Riker, Yar, and Worf exit]

LaForge: Captain, a ship is approaching us.

Data: A Ferengi ship. They are hailing us. [cut to view screen; Mark Lenard appears in badly botched Ferengi make-up]

Lenard: Captain Picard, I have an offer to .. to... aagh, I'm so embarrassed. ... I... I've been a Vulcan, a Romulan, and a Klingon, now look at me!

Picard: Stop whimpering, man, and say your lines!

Lenard: Yes, you're right. [clears throat; left ear falls off] I have information to sell you, Captain. Information about a great danger. Capt...     [fzzt! screen goes blank]

LaForge: The Ferengi ship, it's ... vanished! I'd better go look out the observation port to see what's happened.

Picard: Data, have the Away Team beam up at once! We must have a staff meeting.

Crusher: [from sick bay]: < Looks like we have a flu epidemic of some sort, Jean-Luc. I'm baffled. >     [Picard stares up at ceiling as if wondering where the voice is coming from]

[scene changes to a disheveled room ... it might be an ordinary storage area were it not for scattered debris and bodies littering the floor. we see the Away Team materialize.]

Riker: Readings, Yar.

Yar: One other human life form in the vicinity. All others are dead.

Troi: I sense evil! Great evil!

Worf: Do you smell something? Something sweet? A strange sickly sweetness...

Troi: I sense something soft and doughy. It has little rounds balls of cooked flesh on it with processed dairy products. I sense garlic and mushrooms and ... and ... anchovies ... oh, the pain!

Yar: What do you make of that, sir? [points to a pile of take-out pizza cartons labelled "Medicinal Use Only"]

Riker: I don't know. [opens up two cartons] It is called pizza.

Yar: What's this one with nails and broken glass in it?

Worf: Klingon pizza!! Yum!     [snarfs down the whole pizza]

[ragged man bursts into room; he is wild-eyed and unshaven.]

Decker: Run away! Run away! It'll kill you all! Be gone before it's too late! [flecks of spittle fly across the room]

Riker: Deanna, that's an old acquaintance of mine from the Academy ... Matt Decker, III. He was expelled for overacting. Deanna ... Deanna?

Troi: Oooh, the pain, the pain. Such unbearable acting.

Riker: Matt, what's happened? Where's the rest of your people?

Decker: On the third planet.

Riker: There is no third planet.

Decker: Don't you think I know that! [eyes glaze over and he faints]   

Worf: [munching on pizza] Don't you think we should beam up these medicines, sir? It is our primary mission.

LaForge: Sounds good to me.

Riker: Geordi ? How did you get here?

LaForge: I was sent to accompany you. [sucks his knuckles]

Data: [from ship] < Commander Riker, we must beam you up immediately. We have an emergency. >

Riker: We have a survivor and some cargo. Beam us up. [we see TNG crew materializing in the transporter room. Bob and Doug Mackenzie are at the transporter controls. They are wearing standard TNG uniforms, but with plaid shirts and stocking caps. Beer cans litter the transporter console. Mackenzie Phillips and Spuds Mackenzie are sitting in the corner. A "Great White North" map hangs on the wall.]

Bob: G'day, eh?

Riker: Who are you? What are you doing?

Bob: I'm Bob, hoser.

Doug: And Doug Mackenzie. Your show needs some Canadian content, eh?

Worf:: Mackenize? Shouldn't you be in Engineering?

Bob: No, man, we're CANADIANS ... hey, what's that stuff on your head, eh?

Doug: Don't Canadians get to be Captain?

Bob: Doohan's Canadian, hosehead.

Doug: Take off, eh. Bob: Well, we're just about outta brew.

Doug: Hey, have the Captain send us some brews and backbacon, eh? [the crew starts to leave in disgust, leaving most of the pizza cartons behind]   

Doug: There's pizza, hosehead. [they stagger to transporter pad and open pizza cartons; Spuds and Phillips become interested.]

Bob: Do you smell something sweet?

Doug: What? Did you take a shower this year, hosehead?

Bob: Take off. Hey, this pizza topping isn't dead.

Doug: Looks like egg pizza, eh? [the "pizza topping" flies up into the air and sails onto Mackenzie Phillips' back. She drops, screaming in agony. A cloud of lights surrounds Spuds, who is instantly drained of blood.]

Bob: I could use a brew now, hosehead

Doug: Go get some, eh. Bob: Sure, I'll get some and I'll drink it all, eh. Doug: OK, we both go, hoser. [They exit, with pizza bats and cloud vampire slinking behind them.]

[Picard and Data are at a table in a meeting room. Troi, Yar, Worf, and Riker enter. Crusher follows.]

Picard: What in the devil happened down there, Number One?

Riker: The whole staff was massacred. We found one survivor.

Crusher: I had to sedate him. He was foaming at the mouth and getting spit all over my uniform.

Picard: We have a mystery here, don't we Data? [Decker bursts into room.]    

Decker: Thank God I've gotten to you in time. Isolate all decks of the ship. Watch out for the pizza bats!

Picard: Pizza bats?

Decker: Or flying frying-eggs. It doesn't matter what you call them. You beamed them up with the pizza. They drive men insane. And the Cloud-Vampire. Sucks all your blood out. And the Salt-Vampire. Ha-ha-ha. We evaded the Giant Amoeba, only to be trapped by the Planet-Killer.

Picard: The Planet-Killer?

Decker: The Doomsday Machine. It had a maw that could swallow a DOZEN starships!

Data: [aside, to Worf] He must be talking about Lt. Yar.

Decker: It killed my crew! It killed my ship! And it drove me down to the monsters on the planet. Down to the brink [eyes start glazing again; crew takes the pause as an opportunity to wipe Decker's spit off their faces] the brink of madness! [Decker faints; everyone sits around waiting for the others to say something]

Picard: We have a mission. We must deliver that medicine. Those brave souls down on Dominos guaranteed delivery in 30 minutes, and we're going to do it!

LaForge: [entering] Sorry to be so late, Captain, but I had to look out the observation port again. A big patch of darkness is coming up upon us from port, and a small-planet-sized object from starboard. [sees pizza cartons] Hey, what's that?

Riker: Geordi, don't you remember? Down on the surface?

LaForge: I wasn't down there.

Picard: Humph. Stupid script writers. Must be a continuity error.

Voice #1: [over intercom] < Lt. McGuffin in Engineering! Help! We're being attacked by flying frying-eggs! >

Voice #2: < Engineering also. And I say they're pizza bats. >

Voice #1: < Aaaaagggghh! >

Voice #2: < Aaaaagggghh! >

[Silence.]

Picard: Number One, were those some of our Chief Engineers?

Riker: I believe so, sir. Sounds like trouble.

Troi: Great danger. We are in great danger.

Crusher: I know ... I don't know what I'm going to do about this flu epidemic. [Switch to the holodeck. The alternate-Wesley is tinkering with holodeck controls. He makes some final adjustments with a smirk. The holodeck door opens -- we sees the TOS Enterprise crew -- Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scott, Uhura, Chekov, Sulu, Chapel, and even Janice Rand are standing there and looking rather confused. Wesley pulls out phaser and approaches them.]

Wesley: Greetings, my crew. I, Lord Wesley, have re-created you, the original crew of the starship Enterprise. With me as your leader, we will seize the Enterprise -- then the entire galaxy! Ha-ha-ha!

[dramatic music -- commercial break]

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