am Moropor, Sorcerer of Vermont, whom some of ye may remember from Nick Jones' surrealistic epic play Canada's Midriff. Blackwolf the Dragonmaster, my brainless goody-goody lookalike, has given me this temp space in his wacky website that I may address you Mortals regarding an incident which has been brought to my attention:
For aeons now, Vermont has been my dominion --- for only here, within the peaceful forests of what you Mortals have long called the "Green Mountain State," have I been able to design and develop my constant schemes for no less than world domination! (Muhahahahaha!!!) Unfortunately, 'twas my misfortune to learn in a time of yore regarding the presence of an enemy far more powerful than even that do-gooding double of mine --- which, in its so-called infinite wisdom, dared to choose my Realm to leave its own foul stench. It is an entity known in your tongue as Wal-mart!
To be more precise, last year, the National Trust for Historic Preservation released its annual list of the 11 Most Endangered Places in America. Each year, they search for the 11 places in America that are most threatened by neglect, insufficient funds, inappropriate development, or insensitive public policy. Well, here are the (Ick!) losers, if you will, that those dum-dums chose for 2004:
At #1: 2 Columbus Circle, New York City (just how the place managed to fail to be noticed by even that wiener of a Wizard, Blackwolf, is beyond me!); #2: the Bethlehem, PA Steelworks Plant; #3: Chicago's historic Cook County Hospital; #4: the Elkmont Historic District of Tennessee's Great Smoky Mountains National Park; #5: the George Kraigher House in Brownsville, TX; #6: the Gullah and Geechee coastal regions of South Carolina and Georgia; #7: the Madison-Lenox Hotel Building in Detroit; #8: Utah's 9-Mile Canyon in Carbon and Duchesne Counties; #9: the Ridgewood Ranch in Willits, CA --- best known as the final resting place of that stallion for whom you Mortals had a fondness of old --- some idiot horse called Seabiscuit; and, at #10, the tobacco barns that have given Southern Maryland a very pleasing look.
And that brings us to their #11 selection: my domain of Vermont! What then, you ask, has Wal-mart to do with all this? In the Mortal year of 1993, Vermont was the one state free of the onslaught of Wal-mart, and with the aid of my awesome power, that was the way it stayed. And I liked it that way! Well, since then, I made the mistake of foolishly allowing these fiends to spawn four of their so-called Super-centers; and since then, plans have called for seven additional stores to form in their evil Associate image, causing, as the Trust's website rants, "degradation of the Green Mountain State's unique sense of place, economic disinvestment in historic downtowns, loss of locally-owned businesses, and an erosion of the sense of community that seems to be an inevtable by-product of big-box sprawl."
Now, under normal circumstances, I would be laughing evilly about these little problems; however, after carefully considering the larger picture, I am forced to concede --- and I must emphasize that, as a charter member of Der Bad Guys, I realize that whatever attempt I make to confront these fools will undoubtedly seal my severe punishment --- that the Good Guys must rescue Vermont before Wal-mart destroys the Vermonters' way of life!
Leading the aforementioned Good Guys is the Honorable Jim Douglas, Governor of Vermont; I herewith encourage those of you browsing this silly missive from my dominion's capital city to send him a letter, an e-mail, or just do something. Let His Excellency know that his people are in danger against the force of the Wal, as it were; just submit your concerns to Sir James' Office, 109 State Street, Pavilion, Montpelier, VT 05609; or just phone toll-free, 1-800-649-6825.
At least, if nothing else, your evil Sorcerer (that's me!) will hopefully have a chance to put up with all the peace and quiet the lands of Vermont afford me. After all, only here can I attempt once again to maintain my peace amongst Vermont's people --- whilst simultaneously, as usual, trying to take over the world! (Muahahahahaha!!!)