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Ten Second Horror Movie Reviews

In the face of dwindling attention spans, here are the fastest possible reviews of horror films (by genre) intended as a 'spot-guide' to your own horror viewing.

INSTRUCTIONS - Mouse over Mr. Spooky for the review, and mouse over the dark bar of tiny skulls for the rating.




AntiChrist/Possession Movies Demonic Movies Ghost Movies Miscellaneous Monster Movies
Mutant Movies Slasher Movies Space Monster Movies Torture Movies
Vampire Movies Werewolf Movies Witch Movies Zombie Movies








Vampire Movies

BUY - Very exciting and unexpectedly well done vampire invasion. The vampires themselves make the movie
4 Spookies		 30 Days of Night
2007		 RENT - The King of Cartoons as Mamawalde, the black vampire with his blue afro-riffic vampire babes
2 Spookies		 Blacula
1972		 RENT - Good adaptation of slick graphic novel, less dialog is more, good burn-dissolving vampires
3 Spookies		 Blade
1998		 BUY - Action packed movie with lots of dark scenery, some cool fight scenes, and an impressive new look for vampires
4 Spookies		 Blade 2
2002
RENT - Very much on the humorous side, a great vampire/action movie, but seems just a bit week after the brutality of the last movie
3 Spookies		 Blade 3: Trinity
2004		 RENT - Kitchy art-house, produce by Andy Warhol. Udo Kier is pitch perfect, good music
2 Spookies		 Blood for Dracula
1974		 RENT - Best exploding hooker vampires ever, silly Dennis Miller mystery plot, fun mortuary
3 Spookies		 Bordello of Blood
1996		 RENT - Lavish production, great visuals, Gary Oldman is cool, but otherwise some weak-ass acting
3 Spookies		 Bram Stoker's Dracula
1992
RENT - Atmospheric, I Was a Teenage Dracula, good brides, interesting original story, not very Dracula-like
2 Spookies		 Brides of Dracula
1960		 RENT - Classic, Bela Lugosi establishes modern vampires, Todd Browning's flawless direction
4 Spookies		 Dracula
1931		 SKIP - Frank Langella is limp, film is overproduced and embodies the worst of the genre
1 Spooky		 Dracula
1978		 SKIP - Late Hammer production, Dracula meet hippies in an old church. Weak plot
2 Spookies		 Dracula AD 1972
1972
SKIP - Just as lame as it sounds, weak adaptation, soap-opera acting. Shame on Wes Craven for his involvement
1 Spooky		 Dracula 2000
2000		 SKIP - Even lamer than it sounds, and sounds pretty damn lame. Fortunately, Wes Craven got the hell out of there after the crapola-fest that was 'Dracula 2000'
1 Spooky		 Dracula 3000
2004		 RENT - Convict movie shifts mid-way to vampire brothel bloodbath - good mood, effects; early Tarantino script
3 Spookies		 From Dusk Till Dawn
1996		 Taint reviewed it yet.
Review Pending...		 From Dusk Till Dawn 2
1999
RENT - Fine exploding vampires solve the mystery of Ambrose Bierce in the late 1800s
3 Spookies		 From Dusk Till Dawn 3 - Hangmans Daughter
1999		 BUY - Classic comedy horror with authentic Slavic vampires, castles, peasants and garlic
4 Spookies		 Fearless Vampire Killers
1967		 BUY - Very entertaining and frightening vampire movie that gives you that 'oh crap... they're screwed' feeling
3 Spookies		 Fright Night
1985		 RENT - Fun homage to horror hosts, great plot about the vampire next door, a little dated
4 Spookies		 Fright Night 2
1988
SKIP - Weak Universal sequel, John Carradine helps but this mishmash of subplots falls flat
1 Spooky		 House of Dracula
1945		 BUY - Christopher Lee's first, perfect Hammer production, more mood than horror, plus Peter Cushing
3 Spookies		 Horror of Dracula
1958		 RENT - David Bowie and Bauhaus, ultra cool urban vampire, arty, methodical pacing, beautifully filmed and scored
3 Spookies		 The Hunger
1983		 RENT - John Landis tried, the humor, sex and smack are there, but it lacks something. Overall a fun vampire and mobster movie
2 Spookies		 Innocent Blood
1992
RENT - Inaccurate representation of the book (they came closer than most), but a great Anne Rice vampire story anyway
3 Spookies		 Interview With The Vampire
1994		 RENT - Interesting, dreamlike child's tale of supernatural happenings in a spooky swamp place
2 Spookies		 Lemora
1973		 SKIP - Tobe Hooper sci-fi vampires, slower plot, lots of naked vampires
2 Spookies		 Lifeforce
1985		 BUY - A classic vampire story putting the emphasis on the kind of seductive power that comes with the modern vampire myth
4 Spookies		 The Lost Boys
1987
RENT - Solid Texas vampire epic, great ensemble cast, fun vampire car rides, slightly cheesy resolution
2 Spookies		 Near Dark
1987		 BUY - First and best, heavy expressionist shadows, faithful to Dracula story, Max Shreck stays true to folkloric vampires
5 Spookies		 Nosferatu
1922		 RENT - Extremely inaccurate mashup of 1 and 1/2 Anne Rice books, but still manages to capture the flawless charm of her writings
3 Spookies		 Queen of the Damned
2002		 RENT - Uncommon treatment, girl gets transfusion and develops a blood sucking tentacle in her armpit
3 Spookies		 Rabid
1977
BUY - Fantastic period-piece that's a bit slow at times, but manages to deliver flawless characters, scenes, and twists from beginning to end
4 Spookies		 Ravenous
1999		 RENT - Good made-for-TV adaptation of Stephen King vampire who settles in an old house in a small town
3 Spookies		 Salem's Lot
1979		 Taint reviewed it yet.
Review Pending...		 Scream Blacula Scream
1973		 SKIP - Slower melodrama with Lon Chaney as Mr. Alucard trying to get married for a castle or something.
2 Spookies		 Son of Dracula
1943
BUY - Great vampire, pretty good story, fine European locations, some out of place claymation
4 Spookies		 Subspecies
1991		 Taint reviewed it yet.
Review Pending...		 Subspecies II: Bloodstone
1993		 Taint reviewed it yet.
Review Pending...		 Subspecies III: Bloodlust
1994		 Taint reviewed it yet.
Review Pending...		 Subspecies IV: Bloodstorm
1998
RENT - Vampires in spandex with guns. How can anything that looks so slick be so souless?
2 Spookies		 Underworld
2003		 Taint reviewed it yet.
Review Pending...		 Underworld 2: Evolution
2006		 SKIP - Good for Hammer fans, but pretty late in the family, nice circus vampire imagery
2 Spookies		 Vampire Circus
1972		 Taint reviewed it yet.
Review Pending...		 The Vampire Lovers
1970
Taint reviewed it yet.
Review Pending...		 Vampyre
1990


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