Star Wars Bible.. The New (old) Testiment 1 - Let there Be Lightsabers.
The Third Book of Sc-eye-walk-ar, called Yar-vin.
CHAPTER 1:
1 And Loo-ke did run across the docking bay floor,
following his friends, and behold, he saw before him
Obi-Won and his father fighting (Obi-Won reminded Loo-ke it
was NOT his father). And it was not good. And he did sayeth
unto Obi-Won Ben! and Obi-Won did turn around, and was
sliced through the middle, and vanished. And Loo-ke felt a
fool.
2 And Har-n sayeth unto Loo-ke Run Loo-ke Run and Lay-ar
did recommend onto Loo-ke that he did get into thy ship,
and the droids also said it, and one of the stormies did
also say it, and then Obi-Won said it, so Loo-ke did.
3 And Loo-ke did shoot at a stormie what was giving him
some jip and he did miss and hit the door instead. And
Loo-ke then ran into the ship, and whence it blasted off
into space.
4 And Loo-ke sat mournfully, and Lay-ar did comfort him,
and it was good. And Loo-ke said unto Lay-ar I can't
believe it. First thy father was killed by Va-da, then my
uncle and aunt were killed by Va-da, now Obi-Won has been
killed by Va-da. And Thre-pio did remind Loo-ke that it was
him what killed Mr. and Mrs. Lars, and Loo-ke did hit him.
5 And Har-n did ask for Loo-kes help with trashing some
nasty ships what was hastling the Fal-carn, and Loo-ke did
help, and he did shoot one, and there was much rejoicing.
And Har-n did shoot one, and there was much rejoicing. And
Har-n did shoot 3 more, and there was much rejoicing. And
Loo-ke did shoot the last one down, and there was much
rejoicing. And Thre-pio had become entagled in some wires,
and could not move, and there was much rejoicing!
6 And the Fal-carn did head to the rebel base on Yar-vin,
and was allowed to land. And in Yar-vin, Lay-ar did know
many people. And one man, called Will-hard did talk to her,
and did help her with Ar-too, and they did get the plans
(remember them?) from inside of Ar-too, and did plan an
attack.
7 It came to pass in the breifing room that Doo-ad-onna did
tell the rebel pilots to attack the Dee-f star. And they
rejoice. And Wed-j did say the plan was silly, and did get
smacked on the head by Lay-ar. And Loo-ke did brag about
being a good pilot, and that HE could shoot that thing down
on his own, because he had the Force, and the other pilots
did laugh at him. And it was not good.
8 And Har-n did get his money from Lay-ar and did have to
write out a reicipt for yonder tax man, and did load
Fal-carn with money and treasure and rolex watches and
video tapes and books and underwear catalogues and toys for
the homeless and spice and thermal underwear for later use.
9 And Lay-ar saw what Har-n was doing, and it was not good.
And she did ask unto Loo-ke to talk to Har-n, because she
was smitten with him now, more than she was smitten with
Va-da. And Loo-ke did try to get Har-n's help, but he
rebuked the offer, and laughed at Loo-ke.
10 And it came to pass in the special edition that Loo-ke
did meet up with Bi-ggs, an old friend whom he knew. And
Bi-ggs was nice to Loo-ke and did not laugh at him. And did
tell Loo-ke to tell him the stories whence they returned.
And Loo-ke was happy.
Chapter 2:
1 And thy small ships, called Ex-wings and Why-wings did
take off from Yar-vin, and did fly toward the Dee-f Star.
And Wed-j did complain about the size of it, and his leader
did tell him to shutest his mouth. And they flew toward it
again.
2 And it came to pass that a large fight did erupt upon the
outskirts of the Dee-f star, and some other smaller ships,
called Ty's did appear, and did challenge the Ex-wings. And
many Ex-wings did get blown apart by the Ty's, and it was
not good. And many Ty's did get destroyed by the Ex-wings,
and it was very good.
3 And some of the Why-wings did travel along thy trench
what could blow up the Dee-f star, but they did miss. And
they did get destroyed by the Ty's. And some of the
Ex-wings did travel down the trench, and they did miss, and
they did get destroyed by the Ty's. And the leader did
travel down the trench, and he did miss, but he did kill
many stormies inside.
4 And the leader did say unto Loo-ke Loo-ke, if I die, thou
shalt start thy attack run. And he did die, and Loo-ke did
start his run. And Loo-ke took two fighters with him. And
he did choose Bi-ggs, because he was his friend, and he
also took Wed-j, because he complained at everyhting, and
Loo-ke did hope he would die.
5 And the Ty's did follow Loo-ke and co into thy trench,
and behold, Bi-ggs was killed. And behold, Wed-j was
injured. And Loo-ke saideth unto Wed-j Leavest me alone,
thou art no good anyways.
6 And Loo-ke did race toward the hole, and he did prepare
thyself. And Obi-Won did say unto Loo-ke Loo-ke, Loo-ke,
Tis me, Obi-Won. Trust me and use thy Force. And Loo-ke did
switch off his targeting computer, and the leader back on
Yar-vin did sayeth to Loo-ke Loo-ke, thou art switched thy
targeting computer orff. Ist there a problemest? And Loo-ke
did reply, telling all he was just hearing voices.
7 And Loo-ke did hurtle toward yonder hole, and he did
prepare thyself. And then he heard Ar-too saying unto him
Aaaaaggggrrrrggggggg and he relised that Ar-too had been
shot, and it was not good. And then he heard Har-n sayeth
unto him Yeeeee-hhhaaarrrrr! and it was good. And he did
see a Ty what was spinning out of control. And Har-n sayeth
unto him Thoust be all clear now. And Loo-ke did fire his
torpedos and they did hit, and he did pull away, and thy
Dee-f star was blown up. And there was much rejoicing.