Star Wars Bible.. The New (old) Testiment 1 - Let there Be Lightsabers.
The Second Book of Tar-kiin, called Va-da
CHAPTER 1:
1 And after Va-da had left Tar-kiin to kill Lay-ar, he
forgot what he had to do. Va-da felt silly and did not want
to tell Tar-kiin he had forgoten already, so he walked.
2 And Va-da did walk down a coridoor, and a small man did
walk unto Va-da and inform him that Tar-kiin wished to see
him. And Va-da was upset that Tar-kiin would ask how the
whatever it was he wanted done had gone, and Va-da did not
know, and felt silly. And it was bad.
3 And Tar-kiin said unto Va-da There art a ship what has
appeared in thy wreckage of Ald-er-aan, and it doeth
matcheth the markingeth of a ship what forced it way out of
Mose-iesly. And Va-da was relieved that thy Tar-kiin had
not asked how wheneth the thing. And Tar-kiin continued by
sayeth I fear they could be attempting to return the plans
to thy princess. Do not kill her yet. And Va-da was happy
as he remembered what he had to do. And so he left.
4 And Va-da did walk to thy docking bay, and did observe
the ship, and a man did informest Va-da that there be no
one aboard thy ship, lest they be hiding under the floor.
And Va-da did sense something. And he did declare Thy feel
something. A presence thy hast not felt since...and he
stopped there, because he couldn't remember when he had
last felt it. Then, Va-da did remember what Tar-kiin had
told him to do, and he went off.
5 And Va-da walked toward the prison area to kill the
princess, and whence he did arrive, he did sayeth unto the
warden Wherefore art thy princess? Thyself must kill her
without fail. and the Warden did reply She's in Cell three,
Mate.
6 And Va-da did walk down towards Lay-ar's cell, then the
words of Tar-kiin did float back to him, and he did
remember not to kill her after all, and he did leave the
prison area.
7 And it came to pass in the prison area, that an prisoner
was delivered by two stormtroopers, and the prisoner was
unhappy at his treatment, and did complain loudly to the
Warden what hit him and told thy stormies to drag him back
to his cell, and then the lift did open.
Chapter 2:
1 And Va-da walk walk along the coridoor and did stop and
think to himself Thy art sure I feel a tremor in thy Force.
Hmmm. Mayhap Tar-kiin will know what to do. And he walked
off to find him.
2 And Tar-kiin did laugh in Va-da's face and call him names
and say Obi-Won, here. He must be dead. And Va-da said
Neah, Neah Tar-kiin. Obi-Won lives as one with thy force,
and thou should never underestimate the power and then a
light flashed on Tar-kiin's desk, and Tar-kiin ignored it.
And Tar-kiin said unto Va-da Thou Jed-eye's power has gone
out. You thy friend are all what is left and the light
continued to blink. And Va-da asked if Tar-kiin was going
to answer the flash, and Tar-kiin replied it was not his
desk and lead Va-da to his desk, and answered the call.
3 And the voice told Tar-kiin that thy princess was loose
and that they had avoided being crushed, and were running
amuck upon yonder station, and Tar-kiin was not happy. And
Va-da did laugh at Tar-kiin and call Tar-kiin silly names
and did sayeth uponto him Obi-Won IS here. Thy Force be
with him. And Tar-kiin, who was not impressed by this said
If he really doest be aboard, he must not be allowed to
escapeth. And Va-da did say Escapeth is not his plan. I
shallt challenge him, alone. And Tar-kiin was happy,
because he hated fighting.
4 And Va-da did walk off down the coridoors, and did sense
Obi-Won attempting to free the ship, and Va-da was
confused. And Va-da wondered whether Obi-Won had gone
senile, and then thought, what if he had gone senile too.
But then he remembered what Tar-kiin had asked him to do,
so he left for the prison area to kill the princess.
5 And Va-da was upset at the carnage at the prison area.
And he did chastise the men for sleeping on the job, but
they ignored him, and Va-da was angry, and he went to see
thy princess to kill her, but alas, she was not there. And
Va-da was more angry. And Va-da felt he had to release his
stress on someone, and suddenly remembered the coffee
machine which had given him the eye. And he left to give it
a good seeing to.
5 And lo, for Va-da did bump into Obi-Won near the docking
bay. Thou hast been awaiting you, Obi-Won. We meetest
again. Thy circle is now completest, whence I left thou, I
wast but a learner, now I am thy master. And Obi-Won did
say unto Va-da Only thy master of evils, Va-da. And Va-da
did produce thy lightsabre, and Obi-Won did hold his stick
and declare Let there be Lightsabres and there was, and
Obi-Won saw the lightsabre, and it was good. And lo, Va-da
did see Obi-Won's distraction, and did swipe at him.
6 And Obi-Won did see Va-da's swipe, and did defend
thyself. Then Obi-Won did lunge upon Va-da, and Va-da did
defend thyself. And behold, the battle did rage.
7 And the chief of the Stormtroopers did see the raging
battle, and did laugh to his friends saying Behold, thy
master doest battle a silly old man. There doest appear to
be nay rebels around, so let us go and watch. And they did.
8 And Va-da did parry against Obi-Won, and Obi-Won did spin
round to show off. And Va-da was not impressed. And he said
unto Obi-Won Thoust powers be weak, old man. And Obi-Won
was unimpressed with Va-da's vocabulary and did sayeth unto
him Thoust can't win. If thy strike me down, thou shalt
become more powerful than thou can possibly imaginest.
9 And it was at this moment whence appearest Loo-ke,
Lay-ar, Har-n, Chew-ee, Ar-too and Thre-pio fromst there
hiddy holes. And Loo-ke did see the raging battle, and did
cry out Ben! And Obi-Won did turn around to look at
Loo-ke, and Va-da did take the moment of distraction to
swipe at Obi-Won. And Obi-Won did fall to the ground like a
sack of spuds, and was never seen again (Until the sequel).