Star Wars Bible.. The New (old) Testiment 1 - Let there Be Lightsabers.
The Last book of Tar-kiin, called Evacuate?
CHAPTER 1:
1 And Va-da saw the cloak of Obi-Won, and it was good. And
he did stamp on it, and he did dance and sing and laugh and
make rude names up about Obi-Won, and then he saw thy door
was closing. As he looked, Va-da did see his son. And it
was partly good, and partly not good. And Va-da went to
tell Tar-kiin.
2 And Va-da saw Tar-kiin, but forgot what he was there for.
And Tar-kiin said unto him Thoust art away. Ist thou sure
thy homing beacon is secure? And Va-da did answer in the
positive, but had no idea what homing beacon Tar-kiin was
talking about.
3 And it came to pass, that Va-da had forgotten about
placing a homing beacon upon the Fal-carn, and they had no
way to know where the rebel base was. And Va-da decided to
tell the navigator to go to Yar-vin, because he needed to
buy a new holiday home, and heard the prices were rather
good in that area. So they went.
4 And whence thy Dee-f star didst arrive at Yar-vin, they
did receive a message from a moon. And thy message said
unto them Hello. Thank you for visiting thy secret rebel
base. Sorry there art no one here to take thy message...And
Va-da did shut thy message up, and did tell Tar-kiin that
he had found it at last.
5 And Tar-kiin was pleased, and did pat Va-da on the head
for being clever, and it was good. And then, they saw a
force of rebel ships approaching them, and Va-da did try to
hide thy Dee-f star, but the rebels did see through the
ruse.
Chapter 2:
1 And thy turbolaser batteries did open fire upon thy rebel
fighters, but they was too quick, and Va-da did decree to
attack them ship to ship, and Tar-kiin bade it, and sent
Va-da to go fight. And Va-da was upset, because he wanted
to be alone with the coffee machine.
2 And Va-da did decide to take some others along as well,
and did bump into some pilots, who joined him. And Va-da
fly in his special Ty.
3 And many Ex-wings did get blown apart by the Ty's, and it
was good. And many Ty's did get destroyed by the Ex-wings,
and it was not good. And Va-da did follow several ships
into thy trench, and blow thy shit out of them.
4 And Tar-kiin did survey thy carnage from a comfy chair,
and was happy. And a man said unto him, Thou art got a
problem, thy is attacking thy hole. Whereforeart thou to
evacuate? And Tar-kiin did laugh at the man and did mock
him in a silly voice, and did send him away.
5 And Va-da did destroy another group of Ex-wings, and
another did fly in to take thy place. And Va-da did follow.
And they travelled fast down thy trench, and Va-da was
having a hard time keeping up. And Va-da did attack on the
first ship, and it art destroyed. And Va-da did attack the
second ship, and it art sustained damage, and scarped quick
like.
6 And Va-da did hear Obi-Won's voice saying Loo-ke,
Loo-ke...oh, I art got the wrong person and it was gone.
And Va-da did attack the third ship, and did hit thy droid.
And the other pilots did laugh at Va-da for being a crap
shot, and Va-da did lie, and say he was aiming for the
droid all long.
7 And Va-da did line up thy shot, whence out of thy sun did
appear thy Fal-carn, which did shoot at one of thy pilots.
And the other pilot did panic and did hit Va-da's ship, and
Va-da did fly out of control away from thy Dee-f Star.
8 And Va-da did phone Tar-kiin, but thy line was busy. And
whence Va-da did correct his ship, he saw thy Dee-f star
blow up. And it was not good. And Va-da did curse the
rebels, and swear to strike back at them. And he then
hyperspaced out of there.
9 And it came to pass, that Va-da remembered thy ship had
no hyperspace, and so he did hide behind the large planet
until thy rebels did leave.
The First Book of Lay-ar, called Medals.
Chapter 1:
1 And whence Loo-ke did land his Ex-wing, he did get out of
yonder cockpit, and did climb down thy ladder, and Lay-ar
did appear shouting his name. And Loo-ke did get on the
floor, and did call her by another name. And Har-n did
appear for a hug too. And there was much rejoicing. And
Ar-too did appear, and there was saddness. And Thre-pio did
arrive, and there was more saddness. And Thre-pio did offer
any of his spare parts. And Chew-ee did arrive, but no one
noticed him, and it was not good.
2 And Har-n and Loo-ke did walk down the steps in front of
everyone what was in the rebellion and did walk up to
Lay-ar and did receive medals for being brave, and Thre-pio
was there, and he had been polished, and Ar-too did appear,
and everyone laughed, and Chew-ee did roar, and everyone
laughed, and everyone was happy.
3 And Loo-ke hoped he would never have another day like
this one!
Thus endeth the First Part of the New - old Testiment.