Star Wars Bible.. The New (old) Testiment 1 - Let there Be Lightsabers.
The Second Book of SC-EYE-WALK-AR, called FAL-CARN.
CHAPTER 1:
1 And Loo-ke did practise with a small round flying object
with his lightsabre and Obi-Won did watch, and Har-n did
laugh at Loo-ke and brag about his flying skills, and
Chew-ee did play chess with Ar-too and Thre-pio. And Ar-too
did make a fair move, which caused Chew-ee to complain
loudly. And Har-n did warn the droids to watch thyselves
around Chew-ee, as he can get violent when not winning.
2 And Obi-Won saw how Loo-ke was doing, and he was pleased,
and he decided to annoy Loo-ke by making harder for him,
and he did place a blindfold on Loo-ke, and Loo-ke did get
shot several times, which did make Har-n laugh. And slowly
Loo-ke did deflect more shots, and more shots, and more
shots and more shots. And Har-n did not believe it, and he
laughed, and Obi-Won kicked him in the shins for being
silly.
3 Alas Obi-Won was struck by a wave of anger hitting him,
and he did fall back unto his seat, and Loo-ke did run to
his side saying Ist thou alright? And Obi-Won did sayeth
unto Loo-ke T'was like a million voices art crying out, yet
are now silenced. Thy doest fear something terrible hast
happened. And Obi-Won was correct, as he felt the passing
of the persons of Ald-er-aan, and he did feel the anguish
of Lay-ar, and he did also feel the upset of Va-da. Yea a
sound did sound from within the cockpit, and Har-n did
leave to see what the sound was, and Obi-Won and Chew-ee
and Loo-ke did follow.
4 And in the cockpit, the ship did descend out of
hyperspace into the remains of Ald-er-aan, and Har-n was
angry because he thought they were off course, and Loo-ke
did make sarcastic comments about his flying. And behold, a
short range fighter did appear, and Har-n did decide to
follow it, against Obi-Won's words and Chew-ee did block
it's transmissions, and Loo-ke did shit thy pants not for
the first time today.
5 And it came to pass that the small fighter did fly toward
a small moon, of which Obi-Won proclamed unto all present
That's nay moon, that art a space station and Har-n did
laugh and call the old man stupid, and Loo-ke did gain a
bad feeling, and have to change his underpants once more.
6 And the Fal-carn did hurtle quickly toward the space
station and Chew-ee did lock in the auxilary power and
Har-n did put the ship in full reverse and Loo-ke did
sayeth unto Har-n Why are we still moving toward it? and
Har-n did shrug his shoulders and grunt loudly at Loo-ke
7 And Obi-Won did declare them to be placed into a tractor
beam, and Loo-ke, being a simple farmers son, did not
understand what a tractor was doing in space.
8 Behold, the ship was pulled about the Dee-f Star, and
Har-n did have an idea, and they all did hide under the
loose floorboards. And as they waited, they did hear voices
outside. And Loo-ke heard a man with breathing problems
talking to a snotty voiced man, and they were talking about
the ship, and Loo-ke did make a nasty smell what made even
Thre-pio angry.
9 And hidden under the floor, they did hear people walking
about above them, and Har-n did jump up and attack two of
them, and did shout down to the guards, who were idiots and
did come running, and behold, they all had stormtrooper
outfits to wear.
10 And Loo-ke and Har-n did get into the costumes, and
Ar-too would not fit, and Chew-ee would not fit, and
Thre-pio would not fit, and Obi-Won didn't want to get into
the costume for fear of messing up his hair. And the man in
the docking bay control room was confused as he looked out
on to the docking bay and saw no one, and he sayeth unto
Loo-ke, although he not knoweth it not Loo-ke TK421, why
art thou not at thy post? and Loo-ke, who knew he was
Loo-ke did walk down the ramp and tap his head, and make
obsense gestures when the man's back was turned.
11 And they all did walk down to the docking bay, and was
amazed that someone as clever as Va-da and Tar-kiin would
only leave two guards, and they walked across the docking
bay, and up the stairs, and into the control room without
being seen, which was nice.
11a And the man in the docking bay control room was
attacked by Har-n and Chew-ee and was left for dead until
Thre-pio picked up a broom and did brush him into the
cupboard out fo the way. And Loo-ke sayeth unto Har-n Doest
thou knowest between thou roaring and thy blasting
everything in sight, tis a wonder the whole station art
aware of our presence.
12 And Har-n sayeth unto Loo-ke in a nasty voice Thy
prefers a straight fight rather than thy sneaking about
like women And Ar-too did say Speaking of women, I believe
I've found the princess and Obi-Won was amazed, because
Ar-too can not talk, and then they all laughed when Ar-too
revealed he could talk after all, he just didn't like to
becuase he has a northern accent.
13 And Obi-Won did leave the room to find Va-da, and told
Loo-ke he would turn back his father from being dark lord
of the underworld, and Loo-ke was confused Doest thy mean
my father really is dark lord of the underworld? asked a
puzzled Loo-ke, and Obi-Won did get annoyed and say Loo-ke,
thy father is a great man. and left.
Chapter 2:
1 And Obi-Won did walk down many coridoors and many alley
ways and into many rooms and many cupboards and many
kitchen areas and many bedrooms and he did finally stop in
the toilet to relive thyself.
2 Whence Obi-Won was contented he did continue and did walk
along another coridoor, hoping he wasn't lost. And lo, he
did stumble into a large squadron of stormies, and he did
blend into the shadows, and the silly stormies did not see
him.
3 And Obi-Won felt good about himself, and did continue
with his walk. And he walked past the prison area, and did
hear a terrible ruccus, and thought nothing more of it. And
he did walk. And he did walk. And he did walk some more.
4 And Obi-Won did stop because he had sand in his shoes,
and he did rest against a wall and take his shoes off, and
then, behold he did hear the advancement of many stormies,
and Obi-Won was frightened, and did run off, leaving his
shoes behind.
5 And Va-da walk walk along the coridoor also, although it
be another coridoor, and Va-da did stop and think to
himself Thy art sure I feel a tremor in thy Force. Hmmm.
Mayhap Tar-kiin will know what to do. And he walked off to
find him.
6 And it came to pass that the rucuss that Obi-Won had
heard in the prison area was a prisoner who did not like
his punishment, and was shouting and screaming. And the
prison warden did hit the man and have him dragged away.
And the prison warden was not happy. And the lift door
opened and two stormtroopers did enter, with a large thing.
And the warden sayeth unto the stormie Where art thou
taking this thing? and the stormie on the left, who was
Har-n in disguise (did you guess it was him?) did sayeth
unto the warden Thou art a prisoner transfer.
7 And the warden did become suspicious and did ask to see
Har-n's papers, and Har-n was about to blurt out that he
had not got any papers, because it was all a hoax when
Chew-ee did grab Loo-ke's rifle and did shoot the man. And
he shot the guard, and he did shoot the other guard who
came running down the coridoor. And the man whom came
running down the coridoor did make a terrible scream whence
he died, and Chew-ee was happy.
8 And Loo-ke did go to find the princess, and Har-n did lie
to station security and make fibs about a leak, and did
finally shoot the microphone because it put him on hold and
played Greensleaves to him.
9 And Lay-ar was asleep in her cell, and was having a nice
dream about a pony whence the light did come on, and she
did wake up with a start. She did turn around and see a
small stormie standing that, and she did notice that the
armour around his groin was straining. And Lay-ar did say
unto the stormie Thou art rather small for thou to be a
stormie, isn't thou? And the stormie did reply Thy art
Loo-ke, and have travelled far to find you. I have Ar-too
and have arrived with Obi-Won. And Lay-ar was angry You
have Ar-too? But he was supposed to be send to the
Rebellion. But whence Loo-ke did take off his helmet, she
forgave him, and they did scarper.
10 And Har-n was having problems, as the security officer
had reported that he was talking to a complete arsehole,
and send a squad of stormies to see, and har-n had tried to
be nice to the stormies, but they would not talk back, and
so Har-n had killed some of them. And Loo-ke and Lay-ar did
emerge from the cell, and Har-n could have sworn they
looked alike.
11 And they relised they were boxed in, and Loo-ke did shit
thy armour. And Lay-ar did blast the wall, and behold, a
terrible smell did emerge. And Lay-ar did jump into the
hole. And Chew-ee did jump into the hole, and Loo-ke did
jump into the hole, and Har-n did do a sommersault into the
hole, and the stormies were impressed.
12 And in the trash compactor, they did start to become
crushed, and Loo-ke did shit thy armour once more, and
Har-n did ask how much Loo-ke had eaten, as surely he could
do no more shitting. And Loo-ke explained that he had not
had the last meal with Mr. and Mrs. Lars because he was
sent to bed early.
13 And Loo-ke did try the com-link to talk to Thre-pio, but
did recieve no response. And Har-n did try to hold thy
walls back with a piece of conduit, but it failed, and
Lay-ar did try to climb it, and it failed, and Har-n did
take the oppertunity to touch the royal backside, and it
was good.
Chapter 3:
1 Behold thy droids were not answering the com-link because
they were hiding in the cupboard, and the stormies did
break down the door and one did bang thy nonce upon the
frame. And Thre-pio, whom had spent too much time with
Har-n did make up a lie about them, and did send the
stormies in the wrong direction by saying they were not
going to the prison area at all, and the stormie's was
fooled. And they did leave one stormie to look after the
droids and to prevent them from leaving the room. This
stormie was the brightest, and the smartest, and the
quickest of all of the stormies in the army.
2 And Thre-pio did sayeth unto the stormie May we leave?
and the stormie bade it. And they left, laughing. And
Thre-pio did stick thy middle finger up at the stormie as
they left.
2a And it came to pass that once free from the control
room, Thre-pio did switch the com-link on once more and did
listen to the messages that had been saved. And did
intstruct Ar-too to switch off the walls, which he did. And
back with the others, they did decide to leave thy armour,
as Loo-ke's was not much use now. And they did, and it was
good.
2b Behold, around the next corner were more stormies, and
they did get chased by Har-n and Chew-ee, and did run like
scared children down the coridoor, and then did realise
this was their turf, and did turn around, and Chew-ee did
shit thy floor, and the stormies did slid on it and did
fall down the stairs.
2c And Loo-ke and Lay-ar were so busy talking that they
walked into a chasm. And Loo-ke did shoot the controls
because he wanted to shoot something, and then did realise
what a mistake he had made. And he did produce a piece of
string from thy belt, and did swing across the chasm. Then,
whence he reached the other side, he remembered about
Lay-ar, and did swing back for her. And she did kiss him,
and then they both spat. Lay-ar said unto Loo-ke It's like
kissing a member of my own family. And Loo-ke and Lay-ar
did swing across, and the stormies were angry.
2d And Obi-Won did reach the chasm, but it was further
below, and did observe Loo-ke swinging, and thought unto
himself What is he doing. And Obi-Won did pull on levers
and did push knobs and did poke controls and did tamper
with the circuitary, until he discovered that the ship had
not been caught in a tractor beam, it had been Har-n all
along, hoping for some excitement.
3 And Obi-Won was angry, and he did storm off back to the
ship.
4 And Va-da did walk down the coridoor.
5 And Har-n and Chew-ee did meet Loo-ke and Lay-ar, and
there was much rejoicing. And Ar-too and Thre-pio did find
the ship again, and there was much rejoicing. And Lay-ar
did see the ship and did make many unkind comments about
it, and Loo-ke did much rejoicing.
6 And the stormies guarding the ship did leave quickly, and
Ar-too and Thre-pio and Har-n and Loo-ke and Chew-ee and
Lay-ar did leave thy hiding places and walk toward the
ship.