The True Adventure of Once Hardcore Nutball Xenite at the Burbank Convention

I went back to the hallway and a huge crowd was developing at the end of the
hall in front of the bathroom.  Rumor had it that Lucy was in there and
that's why they weren't letting anyone in, not even two desparate guys who
just wanted to get into the men's bathroom across the way.  Eventually we
found out that she wasn't really in there.  But by then the camera crews were
there and so they had us all do the Xena yell.  The Entertainment Tonight
reporter saw my Xenite shirt and asked if she could interview me.  So once
again I suddenly had a camera shoved in my face, this time with a little
bigger stakes.  I found it totally unnerving and wondered if celebrities ever
get used to it.  

First she asked me what a Xenite is.  If you're a Xenite reading this, you
know that there are as many answers to this question as there are Xenites.
 But I figured E.T. and the world in general weren't ready for a discourse on
what makes a Hardcore Nutball.  So I just said that a Xenite is someone who
REALLY likes Xena: Warrior Princess.  Then they asked what did I like about
Xena.  Another topic that could be summed up in two words (Lucy and Renee) or
300 pages.  Of course they're looking for soundbites here so I said that the
cool thing about Xena is that she kicks (and here I had to do some real quick
editing!) butt and doesn't apologize for it.  And then I went into some sort
of time space loop where I couldn't think of anything else to say and just
kept repeating myself.  When it was over I thought, "Great, now I've made a
dork of myself on national tv and I didn't even get paid for it.  I found
myself praying that they wouldn't use the clip (they didn't).

To my utter dismay, by the time I got back from my E.T. adventure I found a
line of people waiting to ask Lucy questions that was half the length of the
auditorium and went down BOTH SIDES.  They finally cut it off and I had to
fight to stay in it but it was clear that there was no way I was going to
reach the stage in the short time they had.  I felt like Gabrielle in Giant
Killer- dumb, dumb, dumb.  I had assumed that Lucy's Q & A would go like
everyone elses- that it would be on one side and they wouldn't call people up
until after she got on stage.  But of course, Lucy ISN'T like everyone else
is she?  Eventually I just went back to my seat and tried to look on the
bright side.  I'd spent weeks trying to think up a good question and hadn't
come up with anything that hit me just right.  Besides all I really wanted
was a hug.  I mean what's risking rejection in front of two thousand people?
No big deal, right?  Somone wondered out loud how many women would go up and
trade there questions for hugs, the way people did with Kevin the day before.
 But I guess nobody wanted to risk it because no one, man woman or child even
asked.

Finally, the moment we'd all been waiting for came.  We sat impatiently
through a few clips of the show and then Lucy herself came out on stage.
 You've never heard so many Xena yells.  I was still far away at the end of
the question line at this point but I yelled my little lungs out.  It didn't
take me long to go back to my seat so I could get a closer look.  

She had on light blue pants and sleeveless top, really skin tight.
 Truthfully, I've always found Lucy's taste in casual-wear to be a little out
of my range but she looked great and she seemed to be moving well.  One of
the first questions was about her health and she said that she was at 90%,
although she felt like 100% and that she would be back in the saddle and
better than ever soon.  

It took a few minutes for the screams to die down and then Lucy chatted.  She
had the whole audience repeating everything she said ("say splendid for
me!").  We were wrapped.  We were hers.  We were definitely in that "we'll do
anything for the Warrior Princess" haze and she knew it.  Someone asked her
what did she think of all this (2000 people there just to see her).  And she
said, "well, this about the right ratio, actually."  She made a plea in
Joxer's behalf and told us how much she loves Ted and that he cracks her up
every day.

When the line finally started who should I see right up near the front of the
line but my roomie, Panther.  First she asked if the get well card (full of a
paper skeleton that said "spare parts for Lucy") had gotten to her in the
hospital.  And Lucy said yes they got it and put it up for Halloween, and
thanked Panther.  Next Panther asked very shyly if Lucy might sing for us.
 Lucy was clearly caught off guard and said that she would know what to sing.
 Immediately, there was a chorus of suggestions from the audience from "I'm
an Old Cowhand," to "Deep In The Heart of  Texas."  A diehard group in the
middle started shouting, "Corn!" which meant nothing to me but Lucy said in
shock, "You know about Corn?  Oh my god!"  I found out later that "Corn" was
some song from an old and obscure comedy troupe routine.  Just more proof of
the lengths  a true Hardcore Nutball will go to to find out everything there
is to know about our favorite Warrior Princess.

Lucy sang a line or two from the Texas song, and then the questions
continued.  Someone asked her about playing Callisto and it was interesting
that she also hated switching roles and didn't think she'd done a very good
job.  She said the same things that Hudson had said about it being hard to do
someone else's established character.  She said it took her five days to
figure out the key to Hudson that allowed her to get the part.  Of course she
wouldn't tell us- she's very concerned with preserving her mystery.  She
wouldn't tell us the meaning of the funeral song from The Path Not Taken, or
the real spelling of the Xena-yell.  Someone even asked if there were any new
and exciting events in her personal life that she would like to share.  Lucy
tilted her head and thought a minute, then said, "No, not really." Big
surprise.  I can't imagine her answering any other way, and who could blame
her?

But she did answer all the other questions and was every bit as charming,
gracious and beautiful as we all suspected she would be.  A young fan brought
her two chakram-shaped frisbee's and she signed them both and gave one of
them back and threw one to the audience.  It was a great throw, that went
straight to the very back of the room.  I didn't see who the lucky catcher
was though.  I think someone made a remark that it didn't bounce of 5
different things before it landed and she said, "You guys don't really buy
that do you?  It's just tv!"

Soon, the time for questions was over and the long wait for autographs began.
 Being in the second row, I got up to get in line pretty quickly but it
seemed to move really slowly.  There were two tables on opposite sides of the
stage, one with Lucy and a crowd of security types, and the other with Ted
and Hudson and a crowd of security types.  They told us that there would be
no picture taking at the autograph table, but you might as well tell
Gabrielle not to tell stories.  Lucy was very generous about doing quick
lean-ins so people could get pictures.  Security finally bowed to the
inevitable and allowed people to take pictures from the left side only, after
they'd been through the line.  I don't even remember what I said when I got
to the table.  I had my big poster out and ready to go.  I handed it to the
woman staffing the table, who handed it to Lucy.  She signed it (her
handwriting was still pretty good) and I think I just said something original
like "thanks for coming,"  and told her I thought she did a great job as
Callisto.  And she looked right at me with those incredible eyes and said,
"no, thank YOU."  

And that was it.  I took a few pictures (from the left side, of course) and
moved on to the other side to meet Ted and Hudson.  The atmosphere at there
table was just a little more relaxed.  They both seemed to be having a great
time meeting all the people.  I didn't have a picture for Ted to sign so I
handed him my program.  I told him that I wasn't all that fond of Joxer but I
did watch Seaquest (yes, I admit it, but only while it was still good) and he
seemed like a nice guy.  I promised him that I would Joxer-bash anymore (A
promise I'm finding hard to keep after seeing "For Him The Bell Tolls").  He
shook my hand and said, "Thank you very much, now get outta here! :)"

So I moved right along to Hudson's side of the table and said the thing I'd
been waiting to say ever since Return of Callisto.  I looked her right in the
eye and said, "And to you Hudson I can only say, THANK YOU for killing
Perdicus!"

She started laughing and kept laughing for a minute or two.  Ted thought it
was pretty funny too.  I handed her my Callisto picture to sign and asked to
shake her hand and she obliged.  I felt better having gotten that off my
chest.  Hudson's signature was something else.  The only way I can describe
it is big and messy (sorry Hudson).  I wonder if she signs her checks that
way and what a handwriting analysis would reveal.

Having secured my last autograph, I sat down to take stock of my collection
of cool stuff and take in the fact that my blissful Xena-filled fantasy
weekend was almost over.  I'd made out pretty well. I met a lot of very cool
people, Xenites, Gabfans, ROCker, Herkuleans, Sorbonnes and Xenastaff.  I got
hats, t-shirts, trading cards (Thanks SAL_FAN!) and pictures.  I had most
everything I had hoped to get except one thing-  I really, really wanted to
get my girlfriend's poster signed.  And even though the rules were very
strict, I figured there must be a way.  I had already asked everyone I met
who had access to Lucy with no luck.  So I sat and watched people get
autographs and schemed.  

I took a few pictures of Hudson and Ted who were right in front of me.  They
got restless and had to stand up and move around a little.  Hudson came
around to the front of the table and started taking pictures with people.  I
ran for my camera and waited my turn.  In the picture I have my arm around
her (someone feed that girl!) and she is making a very Callisto face.  She
was flirty and friendly and before taking a picture would ask if the person
wanted, "nice or nasty."  She sat on the floor for a while and anyone who
wanted a picture had to get down with her.  She sat on some guys laps (now
why didn't I think of that?) and looked like she was having a great time.
 Eventually she had to get back to signing but not before I got some great
shots.  Ted reappeared from back stage and I took the opportunity to get a
picture with him too.  He took pictures with other people but didn't sit on
anyone's lap. :)

After a while I went to the other side and sat in the front row to watch
Lucy.  I was continually impressed with how she gave her attention to each
and every person who crossed her path.  A little girl asked if her hand was
tired and she said, "no, not yet!"  She tried to look at everyone and thank
them for coming.  She took pictures with people.  She signed anything that
was put in front of her, including pictures, posters, t-shirts, dolls, and,
of course, the chakram.  You name it she'd sign it.  

As long as she was still in the room I couldn't even think of leaving.  I
alternated between watching Lucy and socializing.  Tyldus and Avicus (Robert
Field) were both hanging around as well as Rob Tapert.  I chatted with all of
them.  Rob seemed very nice and it was nice to have a chance to talk with
him.  I told him that my other tv viewing was slowly going down the tubes
until I hardly watched anything else except Xena.  He also let me get a
picture with him and signed my program.  I happened to overhear someone else
asking him if a set visit would be possible for someone visiting NZ and was
surprised to hear him say that he'd see what he could arrange.  Little did I
know that this exchange would lead to the 7 part exploits of Becki's Xena set
visit! 

After meeting Rob, I wandered over to talk some more with Tyldus and Avicus,
who were helping Lord Nelson calm down after his encounter with Lucy.  We
talked about (what else?) Xena and Tyldus told us the original ending to
Intimate Stranger.  I watched Lucy.  I saw the winner of the "Furkin' Fork
award and took a picture of her, holding the prized fork.  I talked to
Panther about what a great weekend it had been.  I watched Lucy.  I schemed
about the poster.  Finally I went up to the costume contest winners, who were
standing behind the table, and asked if one of them might take my poster back
stage with them, when they went to meet Lucy.  The said, "Hey you're standing
right here, just get in line."  So, with the gracious permission of the
person behind me, I squeezed ever so quietly into the line and handed my
poster to the taker of autograph stuff.

Seeing that I had this fabulous second chance to say something intelligent, I
figured I should at least introduce myself.  So this time while Lucy signed
the poster I said, "Hi Lucy I'm Ephany."

Well, the reaction that I got was certainly not what I was expecting!  She
looked up and said, "You! You kicked me off!"

Now, I must digress at this point and explain:

During the AOL chat on October 6th, RandarTom, as he's known on AOL (creator
of the best Xena website in the known Xenaverse) asked Lucy if she ever got
on-line.  She said that she didn't get on very often and ironically enough,
the last time she'd been on, she was on an irc channel and said that Hercules
was better than Xena because Hercules was "real."  And after saying this,
some girl had kicked her off the channel.  And then the next day she got a
really nice card in the hospital from the same girl.

At the time, I thought gee what kind of a hydra would kick somebody off a
channel for that?

So you can imagine how mortified I was to find out that in fact, I was the
offending hydra!  I was totally stunned.  At first I denied it but in fact
there was no one else with my handle on irc, and I did send several get well
cards to the hospital after Lucy's accident.  But before I am shunned from
the Xenaverse entirely, let me just say that it was an ACCIDENT.  Any
clueless newbie (and I definitely fit into this catagory!) could've made the
same mistake.

Lucy, of course, wasn't really mad, just giving me a hard time.  I quickly
got over my dismay, at the thought that Lucy knew who I was before we even
met and that she remembered me.  Plus, now I'd have a great story to tell to
my friends in chat.  I'd be infamous in the Xenaverse. Cool.

Now, totally satisfied with myself for getting girlfriends poster signed in
the face of overwhelming odds, I sat back down to watch again.  After 3 solid
hours of signing, the end of the line was now in site and my pedastal for
Lucy had gone up at least another 3 feet.  2,000 people had passed before her
and she was charming and gracious to everyone of them.  It was truly amazing
to watch.  It was a display of class that's hard to find these days.

As I was scanning the last of the line, I saw Penth, the co-warlord of the
Xenaverse mailing list and a few other familiar faces.  I went over to them.
 "Hey Penth," I said, "didn't I see you guys in this line before?"

They all looked kinda sheepish and said, "Yeah, but we want pictures."

That sounded like a great idea so I hopped into line with them again,
followed by Panther.  The woman behind me asked if I would take her picture
with Lucy also and I said sure.  

So once again we got up to the front of the line and we all leaned across the
table to pose with Lucy, whiched pissed off the security people no end, but
Lucy didn't seem to mind.

Finally every single person that wanted an autograph had one (or two :) and
she was done.  She didn't even seem to be any worse for wear.  I suppose
after a year and half of 14 hour days, stunts, dealing with unpredictable
weather and a fractured pelvis, signing a couple of thousand autographs is a
piece of cake.

Tyldus was still hanging around so I went back to the little group that
surrounded him and listened in on the conversation.  Soon Lucy went off back
stage to take pictures with the volunteers and costume contest winners.  All
of a sudden, I saw a flash of orange underneath the flap of Tyldus' shirt.
 It was a VIP pass.  The magic item that let's you go anywhere in the
convention hall (like backstage to meet Lucy).  A small hope began to form
and I think I may have drooled a little.

Finally, during a lull in conversation, I said in my best casual voice, "Hey
Tyldus, you know if you're not using that little sticker anymore, I'd could,
you know, take it off your hands."

He gave me a look like Argo gave Gabrielle just before she kicked the staff
out of her hands in The Greater Good, and I thought to myself, "oh well, it
was worth a try."  Then he ripped off the sticker and handed it to me!  Not
wanting to press my luck, I thanked him heartily and took off.

"Backstage" was a little room filled with tables chairs, a big table of food
and drinks and lots of people, cameras and press types.  Lucy was standing
next to Rob in the middle of the room talking.  At one point she leaned on
his shoulder for a moment.  It was the first time she gave any sign of being
tired.

I wasn't  quite ready just to walk up to her.  Now that I was there, I
couldn't think of a single intelligent thing to say.  So when she wandered
over to the food table I just wandered over there too and tried to look
really interested in the drink selection at the other end.  Then she left the
table so I actually had to pick a drink, so as not to look like some kind of
loser stalker.  I think it was iced tea, which I hate.

Turning around with drink in hand, I spotted a guy who looked just like Rob
talking to a woman I didn't know.  They were in the middle of some kind of
joke and I went over and started talking to them.  The guy was Jeff Tapert,
Rob's brother.  I talked to him and his friend while I watched Lucy go over
to a small table, sit down and begin signing a huge stack of 8 x 10 pictures.
 No one else seemed to be talking to her and I figured it was now or never,
so I went over and kneeled down next to her.

"So have you seen Roo? I heard she was here." (Roo is a well loved regular in
the Xenite Hardcore Nutball Chatroom and Pub on UTV.  She was in a bad
accident and Lucy called her on the phone to see how she was doing.)  This
seemed to be as good an opening as any.  Lucy said no, she didn't think she
was here, but she had talked to someone who was going to see her.  (I found
out later that there was a Ru at the con- Ru Emerson, author of the first 3
"official" Xena novels.) 

Ok, next subject.  I told her that I thought she was a real trouper to come
see us and sign all those autographs and that I was sorry about that
unfortunate little irc thing, but really it was an accident and-

She cut me off and said don't worry about it. "It was stupid of me to diss on
Xena on a Xena channel, and anyway, it was Rob's idea to say that."

I said, "Well, we are very protective of you."

I was quickly running out of stuff to say but there was something I wanted
her to know.  I told her about my girlfriend, who, when she was so sick that
she literally couldn't get out of bed, would only get up for Xena.  Her
friends would turn the tv up really loud and then drag the whole mattress out
to the living room so she could watch.  I wanted Lucy to understand that even
though it's "just tv," people's lives have been affected for the better.  I
know my heart is happier seeing a solid relationship between two women (take
that however you like)  that is more profound and committed than anything
I've ever seen on tv or in movies before.  I wish I'd had an hour or a day,
to tell her all the things I love about Xena.  

When I was done she asked me my girlfriend's name.  I told her, and she said,
"How do you spell it?" So I told her, and she signed the next picture in the
stack, personally and wrote "with love, Lucy Lawless."  There was nothing
left to say after that, except "thank you."  I was stunned at my utter good
fortune and at the boundless generosity of this woman.  Plus I couldn't wait
to see my girlfriend's face! 

I left Lucy to her signing and went to show my picture to Tyldus, who had
made it backstage just fine without his little sticker.  I thanked him again
(and again) for this golden opportunity. (Thanks again, Tyldus!).

The stack of pictures were signed and there were a few more rounds of
pictures.  I thought about going for my camera but I already had a picture
and time was getting short.  The poor winners of the costume contest had been
standing against a wall, waiting quietly for their turn all this time.  They
just barely got to have their pictures taken before Lucy had to leave.  I got
between Lucy and the door, hoping to ask her the one question I'd been
wanting to ask all weekend, and knowing this was my last chance.  All the
pictures got taken and she turned to head for the door and found me standing
in front of her.  It was my last chance so I took the plunge.  I figured if I
got rejected, at least it would only be in front of 30 people rather than
2,000.

"Lucy, can I give you a hug?"

She gave me a look I couldn't read and then said, "Sure." and hugged me.  It
was a good hug.  Must've lasted at least 8 seconds.  I'd love to say I
thought noble thoughts the entire time, but the truth is that she's 5'10" and
I'm 5'4" and I probably enjoyed it a little more than I should've, seeing as
there were no brass swirls of whipped cream to get in the way .  Later
when Kit found out, she gave me a squeeze and said, "Two degrees of
separation!"  Hey if it gets me more hugs, I don't mind being used. :-)

With a final smile for all of us Lucy was on her way.  I ran back out to the
now, empty convention hall looking for someone to share my adventures with.
 I went back my room to drop of all my precious loot, and then down to the
hotel bar, where I found Empower, Ru Emerson and plenty of others who kindly
let me bend their ears.   

The next morning Panther and I flew home.   It was pretty anticlimactic,
being in the airport with a bunch of people who could probably care less
about Xena.  But then a woman saw my shirt and asked me how was the
convention.  Xenites are everywhere. :)

My weekend in Burbank with 2,000 action pack nutballs was the best vacation
I've ever had.  Thanks again to everyone who helped to make it so special.