BS"D

Disclaimer:The author has no intention of encouraging or discouraging anyone from trying to find his/her lifelong marital partner on the Internet. The author herself (after consulting her Rav) indulges in looking for her Bashert on the Web on a daily, if not hourly basis!! If HaShem wants you to find your Bashert on the Internet, He'll find a way to have your Bashert get there. However, don't rely on the Internet as your only source for Jewish dating. Please consult your local Orthodox Rabbi for advice as to other means of meeting serious candidates for marriage. Then click on some of the links I'll provide at the bottom of the page, and add your name to the lists!Happy hunting!

(And, if you know someone suitable for me... ask him to e-mail me! - - - Love, Batya

The LIGHTER SIDE of

INTERNET SHIDDUCHIM

(or "BETTER a KALLAH than a CHALLAH!" *)
(* English Translation: Better WED than BREAD!)

Introduction

Some of you reading this site may have no idea what we're talking about. Whether it's the whole concept of seeking a shidduch that stupefies you, or whether it's getting around the Internet that frazzles your circuits, don't worry; many of us involved in the shidduch process also have no idea what's going on. When you combine these two mystical elements - HaShem's hand in guiding us to our intended matches, and the "black box-like" power of the Web - there are apt to be what we'll euphemistically call "lighter moments" where anything can happen!

It is written that 40 days before a child is conceived, the A-mighty selects his or her intended marital partner, the bashert (Yiddish), or zivug (Hebrew). However, the identity of this perfect partner is not revealed right away. It is a great Jewish racial characteristic to try to match up people in the hope that it will end up in a marital union as blissful as G-d intended. For the Jewish home is the center of all family life, and the Jewish woman is called "bais Yaakov," the home. And in order for a Jewish woman to make a proper Jewish home, she needs the Jewish husband. And how does she connect with this man? this man who changes her from a mere woman into a home? By means of the shidduch.

Formerly, we had to rely upon parents or intermediaries such as one's Rabbi, or the local Shadchan (matchmaker). The Shadchan might have the right partner in her collection of cards. She knew if we preferred tall or short, an ilui (genius) or a working man, homely or just plain, smoking or non-smoking, aisle or window seat, etc....

Additionally, we asked friends and relatives for recommendations. Formerly we kept an eye aimed toward our friends' older brothers, cousins, doctors, lawyers and plumbers. Formerly, we looked for mates at the synagogue (especially on days like Yom Kippur when you could gauge who was a good catch by how loudly his stomach rumbled and if he was still standing by the end of Ne'ilah, the closing prayers), in the Kosher Butcher Shop (where you could show off your chicken selection techniques), and at the library (where you could check out his taste in books). Some of us even tried the dreaded Jewish Singles Dances in those days before we decided, for religious purposes, to forego mixed dancing (which was no skin off our noses anyhow since the guys never asked us to dance anyhow and they were always the same losers - er, potential dates - that we'd seen at all the other dances).

G-d blessed us with AOL and all it's little cousins out there. Because NOW, we have the whole Web at our disposal. Shidduch sites, Jewish dating sites, abound. Lists abound with eligible bachelors and bachelorettes, mensches and menschettes, with and without their attendant arcane codes: SJPF or DJM, ISO NS/ND, etc. We can select our potential mates by level of kashrut (kosher observance - all of the time, some of the time, and "make mine a cheeseburger and a shake"), frequency of going to shul (every day, every Shabbos, once in while, only on the High Holidays, and "where's the local Cathedral?"), or by whether or not they posted a photo and with what frequency they check in. And with all this... the whole shidduch process has taken a turn. We can now get instant excitement or instant rejection by e-mail or in a chat room rather than wait any length of time for the inevitable!

For those of us who are singly or multiply "disadvantaged" by being any combination of the following - divorced with children, divorced without children, converts, timid, picky, ugly, fat or, living "out-of-town" (anywhere not within the New York Metro Area) - Internet Shidduchim are the answer to our prayers. It has the potential of bringing the entire world of computer literate Jewish Singles right in our homes, whether we want them there or not! And you don't even have to give your name!!! You can use a cute "handle" like....

FFBRascal I Make Bucks N.E.Bodyhome Yeshiva Student NoShiksa What's Up Doc? Jewish Princess

Mama's Darling Mr. Profound Tzaddik in Training So Sue Me Kugel Lover Lots o Charm L'Chaim

Fast or slow, e-mail or "snail mail," by a Shadchan or by yourself, AOL or AOK: when all is said and done, it's still better to be a kallah than a challah!

The NEW Internet Shidduchim Definition List

TERM	OLD WAY	INTERNET WAY
Date	Meet someone for the purpose of determining suitability for mariage.	Talk to someone via "chat" or in person for pure curiosity or purpose of determining suitability for mariage.
Chat	Talk, on the telephone or in person. Usually you have a good idea as to the identity of the person to whom you are talking.	Communicate in a "chat room" or via Instant Messaging (IM). Consists largely of staring at the monitor while waiting for your partner to finish typing something! Great cross-chat occurs when you answer a question the person hasn't yet finished posing! Sometimes involves real names instead of "handles."
Get His Name	Somebody knows him. Your references check him out to make sure he's not an axe murderer. If he checks out OK, they tell you his name. Phone numbers are provided, you talk on the phone.	Look at the biography, send an e-mail, obsess a bit, wait for a reply. Send a few more e-mails back and forth, obsess some more, exchange first names and telephone numbers of your references. Obsess hourly about the person.
Make a Date	Arrange to meet * at the airport or in a hotel lobby [he tells you he'll have a black hat, glasses and a beard] and hope that nobody else chose the same lobby for that evening (or you may end up with the wrong guy!). * Socially acceptable locations include: parks, restaurants, Shabbos dinner, amusement park, library.	Stop obsessing long enough to worry that he's an axe murderer. Phone the references to verify that he's not an axe murderer. Obsess on suitability for marriage. E-mail a photo. Exchange telephone numbers. Talk on the phone. Arrange a date (see "Old Way"). Obsess about your upcoming date.
		Out-of-towner Bonus: Arrange to take at least one day off of work for a Shabbos weekend date. Purchase $350 airline ticket or decide to drive 6 hours each way. Obsess over how much this all is costing and what happens if it's a dud. Obsess if you'll lose your job for taking off too much time. Obsess if you've been too forward agreeing to meet after only 39 3-hour telephone calls.
Prepare for the Date	Get dressed up. Have transportation available to get to the meeting place at the appointed time. Brush your teeth 613 times. Optional Hair cut/style, dry clean suit/dress, purchase gift for date. Obsess if you should wear cologne. Women's Bonus Call your best friend 18 times to ask if she thinks it's O.K. that he's only a _________ and doesn't have _________ (fill in the blanks).	Same as "Old Way."
		Out-of-towner Bonus: Purchase hostess gift, pack enough clothing for 3 days plus extra "just in case." If driving, give car a tune-up, get a map and complete instructions. Obsess if you have the right directions and what will happen if your car breaks down in the middle of nowhere so you'll have to spend Shabbos in your car. (You pat yourself on the back: Good thing you brought a few cans of tuna, an opener, matzah, candles, matches and that screw-cap bottle of grape juice you meant for the hostess!!!) Then obsess that you forgot string to make an eruv so you can go outside of the car in case of an emergency pre-Shabbos disaster.
The Date	You talk. You eat. You walk around. You decide if you want to see each other again. Try to imagine being married to this person!	Same as "Old Way."
		Out-of-towner Bonus: All of the above, but you will be trapped together, joined at the hip, i.e. twins for the better part of 2 days minimum!!! Plus, you have to think of a lot more places to haunt ... er ... visit.
In The Interim	You continue to speak by phone until interest wanes or you decide to marry (after a suitable number of dates).	You continue to e-mail, speak via "chat," or by phone until interest wanes or you decide to marry (after date #3).
		Out-of-towner Bonus: Long distance phone bill soars until interest wanes or you decide you have so much money invested that it is imperative you marry!

TRUTH IN ADVERTISING?

"'On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog.'" © 1993 The New Yorker		Anyone You Know?

SOME OTHER TYPES of SINGLES ADS WE'VE SEEN

"Edom, The Go-Getter Setter"

"Just call me Ed." Older (13 in person-years) DJPM , gingy/brown, Irish, loves the outdoors. "Knitted bandana" not "black velvet."

Seeks much younger SJF playmate (no older than 2 person-years) to bear puppies
and groom me. No French Poodles or German Shepherds.

I love to chase balls and chew on tough Gemaras.

"The One Who Will Never Disappoint You"

SJF, never married, a few days past the "sell by" date, a little crusty and seedy,
but still serviceable.

ISO: S/D/WPJM, age: 10-100, height: 2'2"-7'11", preferably breathing.

Interests: fine dining, loafing around, cutting up, Toastmasters

"Maidel: A Young Cutie Pie for Just the Right Bochur"

I am writing for a friend. She is shy, tzinus, and a zeese maidel.
Exceptional yichus. Good references.

Wants a husband who learns and who will bring her flowers for the Shabbos table, and some grass to nibble every now and again.

She will make a lovely wife as she grows older with you. Contact Rebbetzin Rover and refer to "Maidel."

"I am not wet behind the ears! "

Divorced, middle-aged, 9 pups who live with their dam.
I like to keep active. Require same in mate.

You: Slim, attractive, thin, pretty, skinny, easy on the eyes, slender,
blonde or redhead. No kids, no fatties.

Must be able to bear several litters of pups, work, cook, clean and stay slim.

OTHER INTERNET TERMS WE HEARD ABOUT
WHICH MAY REQUIRE THE LIE DETECTOR

Nuff said.

THE DATE - PHASE ONE

(or, How Many Times Can You Go Into the Only Kosher Restaurant in Town and Not Turn Too Many Heads???)

Reality Check © 1998 United Features Syndicate

Select anything that applies. He's shorter than expected. He's balder than expected. He's shorter and balder than expected. He hasn't touched a diaper since the Nixon administration. He has no intention of touching a diaper until Moshiach comes. He wanted to bring his mother on the date. He brought his mother on the date. He has a black hat, but it has Mickey Mouse ears. If any of the above is TRUE, you are a victim of FALSE ADVERTISING and should NOT proceed to The Second Meeting.

SOME RESPONSES TO YOUR AD
THAT YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO SEE!

THE SECOND MEETING - and more!

You've put on your best face. You think you want to see him again. What to do? What to do???

What is he waiting for? Have you somehow scared him off?

And, what if you like the Internet persona better than the Real-life persona?

Your date isn't simply ON the fence; your date is hiding BEHIND the fence!

How do you decide to have a second meeting? or a third?

MUSICAL INTERLUDE * MUSICAL INTERLUDE * MUSICAL INTERLUDE

"I've Been Searching on the Internet"
(sung to the tune of "I've Been Working on the Railroad")

I've been searching on the Internet all the live-long day.
Looking through the Singles dating sites, hear me moan OY VEY!
Can't you hear the Singles typing? Is my Bashert on-line?
Hope I'll get a lot of E-mail. That would sure be fine!

This one looks like she's dyspeptic. Would it hurt to smile?
That guy has been posted everywhere. I think I know his style.
Divorced with kids or never married, wonder what is wrong?
Oy! my eyes are really killing me - I've been logged on too long!

Dina won't you click? Moshe won't you save? Print out that bi-o-gra-phy-y-y!
Yosef won't you write? Sarah won't you phone? Perseverance is the key!!!

Someone's in the Chat Room with Dina.
Someone's in the Chat Room I don't kno-o-o-ow.
Someone's in the Chat Room with Dina,
And he' s typing very slow.

He's typing:
"Black hat, not fat. Really like my kiddush wine.
Please write. You might. Be the one I have in mind...."

* END OF MUSICAL INTERLUDE * END OF MUSICAL INTERLUDE *

To MARRY or NOT to MARRY?
THAT is the QUESTION!

(with apologies to W. Shakespeare)

Deciding... After You've Tried Them All"

LIFE AFTER THE INTERNET
(or, "LET'S GET REAL"!)

• A beautiful explanation of The Jewish Wedding Ceremony was written by Rabbi Mordecai Becher of Ohr Somayach.

• Take a course in Jewish Marriage ! Enroll in Torah101 from Mechon-Mamre of Yerushalayim.

• Love that challah!
  Learn about the mitzvah of challah from two very beautiful articles: Challah: The Divine Dough by Rebbetzin Tzipporah Heller, and About Challah, from Chabad.org.

  And don't forget about the blessing when "taking challah": Laws of Separating Challah.
  

• Try this recipe for a change: Challah Recipe.

• Or for Bread Machines, try this recipe: Suzy's Bread Machine Challah.

• More links to come!

MORE LIFE AFTER THE INTERNET

The Happy Couple at Home Never Touch a Computer Again

Another Happy Internet Couple

Go to Batya's Shidduch Profile or

You can also contact me by E-mail.

Last updated....... 3 June 20007
Text © Batya 1999-2007(except where noted)