If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that
nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as
a warning to others.
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves
began to suspect 'Hungry' ..." -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side"
"I thought of how unpleasant it is to be locked out; and I
thought how it is worse perhaps to be locked in." -- Virginia Woolf
Happiness is like a butterfly. If we pursue it, it is always beyond our grasp, but if we sit down quietly it will alight upon us.
Love is lak de sea. It's a movin' thing, but still and all, it takes its shape from de shore it meets, and it's different with every shore. -- Janie Woods
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
What would chairs look like if ours knees bent the other way?
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have
never forgotten this.
I hate talking cars. A voice out of nowhere says things like, "Your door is ajar." Why don't they say something really useful, like "There's a state trooper hiding behind that bush?"
When a doctor himself needs doctoring so that another doctor doctors the doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor the doctor the way the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring of the doctor being doctored doctor as he wants to doctor?
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand
two things:
1 - Women
2 - Fractions
The road to success is always under construction.
"Imagination is more important than knowledge." -- Einstein
"Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind." -- Einstein
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men
invade another country." -- Elayne Boosler
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." -- Maryon
Pearson
"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want
anything done, ask a woman." -- Margaret Thatcher
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" -- Linda Ellerbee
"640K of computer memory ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with green, baggy skin.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
The Universe rearranges itself to fit your version of reality.