This newsletter deals with abuse and abuse related issues. Every attempt is made to ensure the accuracy of information presented. However, we assume no liability re same. This newsletter may be distributed for non-profit and educational purposes, provided it remains fully intact, and is distributed free of charge. No other distribution without the authors consent.
As survivors of abuse, many of us have learned not to 'be'... Not to be present while our body, mind and soul are invaded. Even after the abuse has ended, the experience of being is still a painful one. To 'be' is to be vulnerable, to leave whatever small remaining sense of one's self that is left open to more abuse. To 'be' is to reconnect with the unresolved pain from the past, a pain that feels just as intense and threatening today as it did during the abuse.
Re-experiencing 'being', and re-learning to be comfortable connecting to one's self are important paths on the healing journey. The path is rocky and uneven. There will be times when we stumble, others where the climb seems too steep, and others still were the speed of our feet as we march downhill terrifies us. We will be cold and damp, and periodically warmed by the sun. At times we will feel lost, walk in circles and retrace our steps. The signposts are confusing and frightening. When to follow, and when to turn away? Everyone's path is different, there are no leaders. With every step we ask whether the journey will ever end, and what will we find upon it's completion?
It is not until we look back at the worn path that we comprehend the lessons of the journey. The reward is a truer sense of self, one that is free from the weight of falsehoods instilled by the perpetrators of abuse. One that allows us to be present and live rather than merely survive.
Today I would like to rant about the apparent desensitization of medical profession to the exposure levels of patients. I recently went for a medical test that involved disrobing from the waist up. I was provided with a gown to change into, but had that gown subsequently removed for the test. It need not have been removed entirely. The test was performed on one side at a time, thus the gown could have been removed from one side at a time, whilst covering the other in the interests of sensitivity. The other element that kind of threw me was that the technician didn't ask me to remove the gown, she reached and removed it. Is it that technicians are so used to disrobed people that they don't think about how the patient feels? It irks me that as an individual I should have to give "abuse" as a reason for the technician to be more sensitive. To reveal the abuse history is to even further expose myself. Shouldn't everyone be extended the courtesy of sensitivity, and respect?
If you would like to share your creative work, poetry, story or artwork here, contact us. We are always looking for interesting articles, personal stories, creative expressions, or other input (including gifs of your work) which you feel would be of interest to survivors of abuse. A special thank you to those who submitted their work for this issue.
| LAST NIGHT by Winter Last night I experienced anger for the first time. Anger, for me, has always been an intellectual exercise. I watched my angry part handle those times when anger seemed to be the appropriate response. Anger was a logical decision for me, not something that just *appeared*! From my safe place, I could observe myself doing *angry things*, such as talking more slowly, frowning, throwing things ... whatever seemed appropriate for the incident. Last night, I *experienced* anger. My stomach was in knots. There were tears in my eyes. The injustice rested firmly on my shoulders, and my knees buckled from the weight of it. My hands shook, my arms were weak, my vision blurred. This was a total body experience. There was no intellectual reasoning to determine that anger was an appropriate response. Anger *appeared*, all on its own, in *my* body. How rude. No warning, no internal discussion of how best to handle the situation. Just *boom* - anger - and deal with it. It took the entire night. 12 straight hours of feeling. Ewwww. No wonder I'm tired today. Last night, I experienced *anger*. Today, I am rediscovering myself. |
My body absorbed in pain, battered, beaten and bruised, alone in the dark I cry. As I hear the sound of his keys slowly unlocking the front door, in fear, I cringe, I cower, I tremble.. Tightly clenched, his fists enraged.. Pleading, Begging for my life, I cry, I scream in silence.. Once again my body absorbed in pain, battered, beaten and bruised, I'm bleeding.. Alone, I cry myself to sleep.. In desperation I cling to my last ounce of sanity.. Losing "MYSELF" like glass, I shatter.. For all who sorrow, grieve and suffer in silence, I relinquish my burdened mass and shroud.. Into dust I fade.. Etched in song my spirit echoes across the wind.. |
This piece was contributed by Ginger.
No reproduction without the authors consent.
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