This newsletter deals with abuse and abuse related issues. Every attempt is made to ensure the accuracy of information presented. However, we assume no liability re same. This newsletter may be distributed for non-profit and educational purposes, provided it remains fully intact. No other distribution without the authors consent.
GRIEVING
As survivors of child abuse you have much to grieve for. You may grieve for the loss of your feelings, for the present, for the damage you now have to heal, for the time it takes, for the opportunities lost while you were so busy coping, for the shattered image that the world is just, that children are cared for. where people respect each other. For your lost innocence, for your belief that it's safe to trust. Sometimes, you must even grieve for a part of you that didn't make it:
I went down to see the children inside me..The first one I
noticed just sat in the curb in my abdomen. She'd sit
there with her head in her hand, looking very sad, or she'd
be jumping up and down, being manic. Then there was one
in my heart who would sit in a room behind a door. She'd
open the door and peek out, and then shut the door, 'cause
she got scared. Then there was the one who was dead. I'd
be waiting for her to wake up. And one day I was lying
in bed crying, and I said, "Okay, it's time for you
to wake up," but she was dead. I sobbed and mourned
that a part of me had died. The part of me that had really
wanted to believe in the good of the family and the good of
everyone just died.
What you need to heal is not fancy or esoteric. It is remarkably simple, though for many survivors it has been hard to find. All you need is the safety and support that enable you to go back to the source of your pain, to feel the feelings you had to repress, to be heard, to be comforted and to learn to comfort yourself.
And in this way, a transformation takes place. Once you have fully felt a feeling, known it and lived in it, shared it, acted it, given it full expression, the feeling begins to transform. The way to move beyond the grief and the pain is to experience them fully, to honour them, to express them with someone else, thus assimilating what happened to you as a child into your adult life.
I hereby lay to rest my fantasy of
the good family. I hereby lay to rest my
hopes and expectations about my parents. I hereby
lay to rest my fantasy that there was something
I could have done as a child to change them. I know
that I will never have the kind of parents that I wanted,
and I mourn that loss. But I accept it. May these fantasies
rest in peace.
It's about time you felt sorry for that little child who was hurt so
badly. Who else is going to? Forget everything you've heard about self-pity. Grieving the
loss of a happy childhood has nothing to do with feeling sorry for yourself. People who
get stuck in self-pity wait around for someone else to fix their lives for them. They
avoid personal responsibility. They lack the courage to do the work that you are asking of
yourself. Grief is active, not passive. It gets you unstuck. It allows you to heal, to do
something real about your problems. Anonymous.
It is often easier to advocate for others than for ourselves. When we have to advocate for ourselves our feelings make it a bit more difficult to do. Many abuse survivors are not used to speaking up for themselves. Having to say "I want", "I need" "what you did to me is wrong" can invoke past traumas where speaking up meant bringing more harm upon oneself. Some survivors simply don't advocate for themselves because their self-esteem is so low that they don't feel deserved (and thus how could they be wronged by anyone). Whatever the reason, advocating for oneself is often a challenge over and above the situation that requires advocacy.
To help you stay focused, and better present your point of view, here are some practical pointers on effectively advocating for oneself. Sorry, these tips help with the practical not the emotional. If anyone has any suggestions for a comparable emotional tips list, send them in!
If you would like to share
your creative work, poetry, story or artwork here, contact
us. We are always looking for interesting articles, personal stories, creative
expressions, or other input (including gifs of your work) which you feel would be of
interest to survivors of abuse.
The "Masks" article is excellent and should generate some thought. Thanks to
the member of the Silent No Longer Email list who submitted it. The
"Affirmations" text is from my paper files, with a few fun icons added. If the
animation gets annoying, wait for the full page to load, then click on your browser's stop
button while it is lit up.
Please hear what I'm "not" saying.
Don't be fooled by me. For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them are mine.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled,
for god's sake, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and coolness my game,
That the waters calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please don't.
My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask,
my ever-varying and ever-concealing mask, beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me, in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this, I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and I fear being exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant, sophisticated facade,
To help me pretend, to shield me from your glance-
a glance that KNOWS.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only salvation.
and I know it......Provided that
That glance is followed by acceptance, and then followed by love.
It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare. I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you will think less of me, that you will laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing, that I'm Just no good.
and that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game, with a facade of assurance on the
outside,
and a trembling child within.
And so begins the parade of masks, the glittering but empty parade of masks
And my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing, and nothing of that which is everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I am saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm NOT saying
what I'd like to be able to say,
what, for survival, I need to say, but I can't say.
I dislike hiding. Honestly, I do.
I dislike the superficial game I'm playing the superficial, phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine and spontaneous, and me, but you've got to help me.
help me!
You've got to hold out your hand, even when that's the last thing I seem to want or need.
only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
My heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings: But wings,
With your sensitivity, sympathy, and your power of understanding.
You can breathe life into me. I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
How you can be a creator of the person that is me, if you choose to.
Please choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask, you alone can release me
From my shadow-world of panic and uncertainty, from my lonely prison.
So do not pass me by.
please do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
a long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
the nearer you approach to me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man, I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
But I am told that LOVE is stronger than strong walls, and in this lies my hope.
my only hope.
Please try to beat down those walls wit firm hands,
but with gentle hands.......for a child is very sensitive,
and I AM a child.
Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet ....
and
I am every woman you meet.
And I am YOU also!!!!
-AUTHOR UNKNOWN-
I believe I am....
my own best friend
and my own
worst enemy 
.
a lovable 
and loving person.
capable of realizing my
potential.
self respecting.
responsible for my own behaviour.
learning from my mistakes.
creating a joyful
life.
an important part of the universe
Original text by Robert Valett
Got any funny, light-hearted jokes or tales to share with your peers? I would like to add a humour section to the newsletter, and perhaps even to this web site. The purpose is to have a page that one can read when they need a chuckle to brighten their day. Email FreeToBe with your submission. Indicate whether you want your id/email address included on the page.
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