This newsletter deals with abuse and abuse related issues. Every attempt is made to ensure the accuracy of information presented. However, we assume no liability re same. This newsletter may be distributed for non-profit and educational purposes, provided it remains fully intact, and is distributed free of charge. No other distribution without the authors consent.
Feeling Words
If you are like me, there are times when you have had trouble putting words to your
feelings? Below is a small list of 'feeling words' loosely grouped, to help identify how
you are feeling today.
| "Disappointment" let-down discouraged disenchanted failure failed failing unsuccessful unfulfilled frustrated discontent downcast unhappy unsatisfied hurt balk disillusioned dashed hopelessness thwarted defeated blighted |
"Fear" terror panic afraid scared paranoid leery spooked horror dreaded frightened alarmed terrorism shook apprehensive uneasy fearful awe reverence anxiety inadequate chicken doubtful skeptical despair mistrustful worried uncertain timid helpless |
"Anger" rage uptight mad pissed furious heated ill-humoured sore stormy violent infuriate inflamed fury angry annoyed irritated resentment enraged provoked accosted irate hot upset indignant wrath hostile animosity |
"Joyful" happy elation pleasure gayety spirited turned-on freaked-out gay wired-up elated climactic beautiful contentment exuberance mellow glad celebration triumphant jubilant mirth wonderful terrific jazzed delighted merry gloating festive pleasure rejoicing |
"Sad" bummed bummer cheerless disappointed depressed failure gloomy unhappy sorrow sorrowful dismay regrettable downcast dejected melancholy mournful blue low brooding woeful shameful somber discontented bad dark gray unfortunate unpleasant apathetic ambivalent |
| "Helplessness" powerless defenseless crippled dependent resourceless destitute lost impotent spent exhausted defeated abandoned feeble weak incompetent inefficient vulnerable depleted |
"Love" rejoice attachment loving caring admiration passion befriended affectionate desiring infatuation adore adulation like regard empathy appreciation concern completeness togetherness |
"Hate" vengeance detest bitter spite hostile resentment loathing disfavour envy dislike animosity despise adverse bitterness abhor disaffection |
"Oppressed" downed afflicted grieved persecuted tyrannized overtaken annihilated burdened used captive crushed persecution crossed misused mistreated trampled overpowered subdued pushed pressured trodden |
 If my various expressions are annoying you, press your browser "stop" button after the page has fully loaded. |
TLC - A mixed blessing. I was recently on the receiving end of some Tender Loving Care and I was faced with some very mixed feelings. A neighbour friend tended to me while I was ill with the flu. I welcomed the help and the TLC (not to mention the home made chicken soup!). I also found it hard to 'accept' the care even though it was offered freely and for my benefit sole benefit.
It was such a strange experience to be tended to while I was sick. As a child being ill simply meant I went about my day feeling awful. As an adult I took to my bed when illness warranted it, but I mostly suffered through and managed as best I could.
When I called my neighbour my intent was to let her know I was ill - just in case I became too incapacitated. I do afterall, [rational me talking] live on a rural road and it might take someone a while to discover me passed out in my bed. Part of me - a part that usually gets squashed as fast as it rears its head - wanted to stick out my bottom lip and with sad puppy eyes plead my plight to anyone who would listen. poor me- I'm fine - poor me - I'm fine - poor me - I'M FINE. Really! - NOT!
Perhaps the debate was too much for my fevered brow. I heard myself agreeing to allow my neighbour to bring me up some chicken soup. [Clang] Guilt hit hard like a lead brick. I can't be a burden?! [Warm fuzzy] It was nice that someone was willing to do this for me. The warm fuzzies and the clangs continued to and fro, influenced and often obliterated by the misery of the flu.
If I can keep the guilt from hiding the truth from me, I know that it was a good thing this TLC. A mixed blessing at the time, but now looking back there was a definite emotional benefit that came out of allowing my friend to care for me. One that tentatively reached back in my childhood and helped me know on that level that needing the care of others wasn't such a sin afterall.
with no clear concept of where I am or where I am going.
This seems to be the story of my life. Having emotions is tougher than I thought, I can see now why I liked not having them so much. Yes I feel more alive than ever, but I also feel more frightened, more confused, more out of control than ever too.
The really weird thing to me though, is just how little sense my emotions can make. On a day that outwardly seems to be full of good news and happy things, I can enjoy those things and moments later be filled with an incredible sadness. Why? Where does this sadness come from? Why in the midst of feeling happy, do I get a sense of dread and impending sadness?
I think somewhere deep in my mind, I am very afraid of feeling happy. But why? I don't begin to understand it, though I know all the popular theories. None of them seems to really fit. Do I not think I deserve to feel happy? Yes somewhat. Do I worry that with good feelings comes the ability to feel bad ones too? Of course. But neither of these really hits the nail exactly on the head. Somehow, someway, I think I really must not WANT to be happy. But doesn't everybody want to be happy? How sick would I have to be to actually desire misery?
Am I really that sick though? I've heard tell that people who expect nothing are never
disappointed. Have I come to expect misery as a way to avoid seeing what good I may be
missing and, in turn, doing something about it? It is always easier to do nothing, and
wait for life to hurt, than it is to get on the road and take your chances. I am tired of
always hurting, this much I know. The question is, can I take life as it is and still have
some safety? Good question...... Mike
If you would like to share your creative work, poetry, story or artwork in our next newsletter, contact us. We are always looking for interesting articles, personal stories, creative expressions, or other input (including gifs of your work) which you feel would be of interest to survivors of abuse. A special thank you to those who submitted their work for this issue. Each author retains copyrights to their work, no reproduction without the authors consent.
WE ARE THE CHILD. by rickilyn
I was watching my 3 year old grandson the other day, and as I observe him and his younger brother, I get the opportunity to see what it is like to be raised where you don't have to worry about being hit, molested, threatened with death, be subjected to sexual behaviors at an early age (I was his age when the first incident occurred).
As I watched him, he ran off to the far end of the playground. I went after him as it was not a safe place to be a 3 year old alone. He would not come to me, he kept running. I caught up with him and firmly told him that when grandma says to come to her it means come to her and now! He has not had to be "scolded or disciplined" by grandma. He looked at me, somewhat confused as this was new behavior for grandma. As he thought for a few moments, (and I had explained to him that I was not angry at him and that I still loved him but that it isn't safe), he looked at me and said "Grandma, I give you a kiss" and did! He reacted in the only way he knew would please me and change the climate.
I believe, as abuse victims, regardless of the age of onset of the abuse, regardless of the type of abuse(s), we do just the same thing. We do or react with whatever we are familiar with, to survive, to alter the mood of the abuser, to stay alive! He didn't have to deal with abuse, but he did have to deal with grandma being somewhat angry. In order to restore our relationship to what it had been, he offered what he knew I would like, as he knows how much I love my little grandsons and holding them, kissing them and telling them how much I love them definitely brings a smile to my face, to my heart. With our abusers, we reacted the same. We were put in circumstances that didn't match previous encounters, we did what we could to be sure we were loved, or lived, depending upon the circumstances. We certainly are not responsible for what happened to us. Even, if we were adults, the position of power is not in our hands, it's in the hands of the abuser. If we have been abused since childhood, the likelihood of continuing abuse in adulthood is extremely high. Like my grandson, we were put in a new circumstance, but unlike his experience, we were "branded" our brain carried this message to the depths of our mind, soul and spirit. In essence, we are still the child who was abused. And, we will react in ways that normalize the situation, protect us, and provide the only "control" we have over the situation. Please, be kind to yourselves and remember the child.
My Melody Maker
My heart only hummed
Until you came along-
My Melody Maker
My heart only hummed
Until you came along-
Then you helped me sing
Life's song.
Your cheerful "Hello"
Brought a high when I was low
And tamed my temper when I could
Easily told someone where to go.
You were sent to teach
My little soul to reach
And to share your faith
So I would realize my self-worth.
Your sweet sensitivity
Taught me to be human And allowed me to develop into
A terrific young woman.
People tell me that I am strong-
It's only because you corrected what was wrong.
Yes, God may be the lead singer-
But you were my melody maker.
Copyright 1998 Whitney Lyons
Odds n Ends
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