Welcome to Page Two of My "Jokes, jokes and More Jokes!"

As I said in the original page all material here is for MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY! If you are under the age of 18, hit your back button and say Adios.

DID YOU EVER JUST WONDER..........

.......Whose cruel idea it was for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

.......Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

.......Why do you press harder on the remote control when you know that the battery is dead?

........Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

.........Why do banks charge you an "insufficient funds" fee on money they already know that you don't have?

..........Why is the alphabet in that order?

...........If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

............If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

............Do fish get cramps after eating?

.............Why are there 5 syllables in "monosylabic"?

.............Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

.............How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

.............If "con" is the opposite of "pro," what is the opposite of "progress"?

.............Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

............Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

.............Do Roman paramedics refer to "IV's" as "4's"?

.............What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconcious?

..............Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

..............Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

..............I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"  She said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

.............If all of those psychics have the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working?

.............Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

.............Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

............War doesn't determine who is right, just who is left.

.............How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

.............If it is zero degrees outside today, and it is supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

............Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?

...........Why are they called buildings when they already finished? Shouldn't they be called "builts"?

...........Why are they called apartments, when they are all stuck together?

............Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?

.............Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?

..............Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my disk?

.............The light went out, but where to?

.............Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

............If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

.............Why is a carrot more orange then an orange?

.............When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near-miss?

..............Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outside?

.............How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

.............Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

.............Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

.............Why do we wash bath towels?  Aren't we clean when we use them?

.............Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

.............If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and  apes?

............Should you trust a stockbroker who is married to a travel agent?

............Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

............Sooner or later, doesn't everyone stop smoking?

Four major executives are playing golf together. On the second tee they
hear a phone ring. The first executive reaches into his bag and pulls out
a cellular phone.  "OK buy 100 shares", he tells the other person on the
phone.  Then he looks at the others and says, "I'm such an important
person that I have to make sure my employees can reach me at any time.
Therefore I carry a cell phone everywhere".
On the next tee, they hear the sound of another phone.  All of a sudden,
the second exec puts his finger to his mouth and his thumb to his ear and
begins talking.  When he gets off the line he tells the others, "I'm so
important that I had my company install a microphone in my index finger
and a speaker in my thumb.  That way, I don't have to worry about
carrying a cellular telephone".  The people are very impressed and move
on down the fairway.
On the green, they hear another phone ring.  The third exec stands up
tall and says, "OK, sell the company NOW".  Then he loosens up and tells
the others, "I'm so important that I had my company put a microphone in
my lip and a speaker in my ear.  That way all I need to do is stand up
straight to get the signal".  Everybody is really impressed and they
continue playing.
At the next tee they hear another phone.  All of a sudden, the fourth
exec runs into the bushes.  After a few minutes, the others get worried
about him so they go into the bushes to find him.  They find him with is
pants around his knees, squatting.  "Oh, we're sorry," they exclaim,
somewhat embarrassed, "we'll leave you alone".
"That's OK", the fourth exec says, "I'm just waiting for a fax".

The Pope was riding around New York City in a limo on one of his papal visits. He was fascinated by the amount of hustle and bustle in the city. He got it in his mind that he wanted to drive the limo...

Pope: Driver, could you please pull over? I want to drive.

Driver: O.K. your holiness...whatever you say.

So the driver pulls over and the Pope starts to drive. He got the hang of it before long, and decided to put the pedal to the metal. A few minutes later, a police officer signals the limo to pull over...

Officer: License and reg...(sees that it's the Pope). Oh, well....um... let me radio headquarters...um...I'll be right back.

The officer radios headquarters....

Officer: Chief, I just pulled over a very important man. What should I do?

Chief: Well, how important is he? Is he a Governor?

Officer: No, he's more important than that.

Chief: Is he a Congressman?

Officer: Nope...more important than a Congressman.

Chief: Surely he can't be more important than the president!

Officer: Well....

Chief: Good God!! Who did you pull over???

Officer: I dunno who the hell he is, but he's got the Pope driving him around!!

This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food establishment:
 

APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT

NAME:  Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION:  Reclining.  Ha ha.  But seriously, whatever's available.   If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:  $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be
a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing
that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters.  She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face.  Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board.  Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into  the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words:  "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanised when she hears
one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again, I come again, and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time."
"You foul mouthed swine!" retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about sex in public."
"Hey coola down lady," said the man, "Who talkin about sex? I'm justa tellin' my frienda here how to spella Mississippi!"

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.  He's a pretty hip guy with his own car.  When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.   "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says.
"That's cool" says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.  Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds "Why don't you two go out and screw?  I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's Dad  to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.  A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT DADDY!  IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

An old man sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
 
Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
 
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
 
Boy says "Catch some chickens."
 
Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
 
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
 
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
 
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
 
Boy says back "Catch me some ducks."
 
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
 
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
 
Boy says "It's a pussy willow."
 
Old man says "I'll get my hat."

Man Slamming Time....

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

Q: What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A: A candlelit football stadium.

Q: What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
A: One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching its ass and the other's a chimpanzee.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions!

Q: What does PMS stand for?
A: Putting (up with) Men's Stupidity

Q: What do electric toy trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're usually intended for the children, but it's the husbands who end up playing with them.

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.

Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: Why did god make man before woman?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy

Q: Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
A:  To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Q: What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
A:  The man.

Q: Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A: When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

Q:  What do you call a handcuffed man?
A:  Trustworthy.

Q:  What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A:  Men always miss them.

Q:  Why are men like commercials?
A:  You can't believe a word they say.

Q:  Why are men like popcorn?
A:  They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Q:  Why are men like blenders?
A:  You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Q:  Why do so many women fake orgasm?
A:  Because so many men fake foreplay.

Q:  Why are women so bad at mathematics?
A:  Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.

Q:  What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
A:  Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

Q:  What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A:  Sex.

Q:  What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
A:  When the power goes off.

Q:  What do men and women have in common?
A:  They both distrust men.

Q:  How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
A:  Guilt gifts are nicer.

Q:  What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A:  His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q:  How is a man like the weather?
A:  Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Q:  What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
A:  One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

Q:  What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
A:  The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

Q:  Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of?
A:  Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
A:  Slow.

Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They're married.

Q:  What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
A:  An insurance company.

Q:  Why don't men often show their true feelings?
A:  Because they don't have any.

Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A: So oxygen can get to their brains.

Q:  What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A: A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.

Q:  What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
A:  Castrated.

Q:  What's the difference between government bonds and men?
A: Bonds mature.

Q:  What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A:  E.T. phoned home.

Q:  Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
A:  So men can remember them.

 
 A cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning.
"Congratulations!" says the clerk.  Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?"
"Naw, thanks." says the cowboy. "I'll just hold her by the ears till she gets the hang of it."

1998 Bumper Stickers
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Horn broken, watch for finger.

* My kid had sex with your honor student.

* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

* Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

* I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

* Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

* I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

* Keep honking, I'm reloading.

* Hang up and drive.

* Lord save me from your followers.

* Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

* Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

* I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

* Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

* Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.

Max and Ernie are playing racquetball at the local gym. As they are changing clothes in the locker room Ernie takes off his T-shirt and shorts.
He is wearing a bra and a lace garter belt. "My God," exclaims Max. "When did you start wearing women's underwear?"
"Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment."

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey,"  the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.  "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!"

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Mypenis?

Mypenis ate my homework.

Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!

Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.

I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.

Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.

Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.

I love giving Mypenis a bath.

At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.

Mypenis likes it when people pet him.

Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.

Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.

Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?

Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.

I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.

I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.

Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.

I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.

Mother Superior's Constipation

A nun walks into a liquor store and says, "Give me a pint of brandy."
The guy says, "Sister, I've never sold alcohol to a nun."
She says, "It's for the Mother Superior, she's constipated."
So he sells it to her.
Later that night, he walks out, and there's the nun on the stoop, with the empty bottle, drunk as a skunk, singing and laughing.
He says, "Sister, for shame. You told me the bottle was for the Mother Superior's constipation."
The nun says, "It is. She's constipated, and when she sees me, she's gonna shit."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his  wife is thicker.  "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car,"  he laments,  "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.  However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it," he chuckles.  "my wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing
her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a penis!"

Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green.  Each hit their ball anyway.
When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in.
They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes.  Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, "OK, so who was playing the yellow ball ?"
----------------------------------------------
For those who travel regularly this conversation should sound familiar:

Room Service:  Morny. Rune-sore-bees.
Hotel Guest:  Oh, sorry. I thought I dialed Room Service.
RS:    Rye, rune-sore-bees. Morny. Djewish to odor sunteen?
HG:    Uh... yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS:    Ow July then?
HG:    What?
RS:    Aches. Ow July then? Pry, boy, pooch...?
HG:    Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please.
RS:    Ow July thee baycome? Crease?
HG:    Crisp will be fine.
RS:    Okay. An Santos?
HG:    What?
RS:    Santos. July Santos?
HG:    Ugh. I don't know... I don't think so.
RS:    No. Judo one toes?
HG:    Look, I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes" means. I'm sorry.
RS:    Toes! Toes! Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow cenglish mopping we bother?
HG:    English muffin! I've got it! You were saying toast! Fine. An English muffin will be fine.
RS:    We bother?
HG:    No. Just put the bother on the side.
RS:    Wad?
HG:    I'm sorry. I meant butter. Butter on the side.
RS:    Copy?
HG:    I feel terrible about this but...
RS:    Copy. Copy, tea, mill...
HG:    Coffee! Yes, coffee please. And that's all.
RS:    One Minnie. Ass rune torino fee, strangle aches, crease baycome, tossy cenglish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy. Rye?
HG:    Whatever you say.
RS:    Okay. Tendjewberrymud.
HG:    You're welcome.

Subject: Wedding Night Pranks.
 
 
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.

The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.

The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms' buddies received the following note:

"DEAR FRIENDS,
WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED.  THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A
MINOR SETBACK.  BUT BY GOD, I'M GOING TO KILL THE GUY WHO PUT NOVACAINE IN THE VASELINE!"

 In the interest of not keeping this page loading for days on end, this is all of the jokes for this page.... head on to page 3 for more laughs!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

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