Jokes, Jokes, and More and More and More Jokes
Silly Stuff
I got a postcard with a photo of Earth taken from space.... On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
I went to a new general store that just opened.... They wouldn't let me buy anything specific
Did ya ever wonder after they make styrofoam pellets;... what the hell they ship them in?
Somehow, I'd have so much more faith in my financial advisor,... if he weren't still working for a living.
Sex is not the answer -- Sex is the question.... "Yes" is the answer.
Sometimes the best way to convince a man he's wrong... Is to let him have his own way.
Remember if ya can't be kind... At least have the decency to be vague.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control
As long as schools have tests, there will be prayer
Remember you're unique, just like everyone else
Conserve toilet paper, use both sides
Sometimes a girl can attract a man by her mind.... More often though, it's by what she doesn't mind
Personally, I think a "well proportioned girl"... is one with a narrow waist and a broad mind
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.... A successful woman is one who can find such a man
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;... the trouble starts when they try to decide which one
I have an answering machine in my car. It says: ... "I'm home now... But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out.... When she's asleep, I write misspelled words on them.
My house is on the median strip of a highway. It's nice... Except I have to leave the driveway doing 65 MPH.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.... I hit the gas, people behind me start to stop, and I'm gone.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up.... Now I don't know what to feed it
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking"... but I didn't have that much time.
One time I went to a children's museum.... They had all the paintings up on refrigerators
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived to USA by boat and one says to the other, I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards it.
"Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers, then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
The two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was always after the girl to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit." She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."
He replied, "But they stunt your growth."
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he had never.
Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said,
"So, what's your excuse then ?"
Little Johnny has been
having trouble in math for years. Nothing
he or his parents have tried has helped. Not tutors, not
special
classes, not the math version of Hooked on Phonics. In
desparation,
Johnny's mom and dad take him out of public school and
enroll him
in the local Catholic school.
On coming home the first
day, Johnny hugs his mother and runs off
upstairs. "I need to do my homework," he shouts
down to his mother.
He comes down for dinner and then dashes right back to
work.
This continues everynight,
weekends too, for six weeks. Then report
cards come out. Warily, Mom and Dad open the card
and see, much to
their astonishment, that Johnny has made an A+ in
math. Everyone is
exceptionally happy. Mom and Dad and Johnny dance around
the room.
After the celebration quites down, Mom asks Johnny what
was it about
the Catholic School that made a difference. Was it the
teachers?
Was is the text books.
"No," Johnny
replied, "When I walked in the first day and saw
that
guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew these people meant
business..."
A lady is
throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all
out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before
the party started, two bums showed up looking for a
handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them
that she would give them a meal if they will help chop
some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to
the rear of the house.
The
guests arrived, and all was going well with the children
having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up.
After another half a hour, the clown finally called to
report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably
not make the party at all.
The
woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to
entertain the children herself. She happened to look out
the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels
across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree
branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.
She
spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend
is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such
a thing. Do you think your friend would consider
repeating this performance for the children at the party?
I would pay him $50!"
The
other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask
him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF
ANOTHER TOE?"
It was the final
examination for an introductory English course at the
local university. Like many such freshman courses,
it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700
students in
the class!
The examination was two
hours long, and exam booklets were provided.
The professor was very strict and told the class that any
exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would
not be accepted and the student would fail.
1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and
asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will,"
replied the student. He then took a seat and began
writing. After two hours, the professor called for
the exams, and the students filed up and handed them
in. All except the late
student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the
last student came up to the professor who was sitting at
his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted
to put his exam on the stack of
exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not
going to accept that. It's late."
The student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know WHO I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
A traveller named John pulled into a little town for the night to find every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded, "Or just a bed - I don't care where."
"Well I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "And he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained. I'm not sure it would be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveller assured him, "I'll take it."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" he asked.
"Nope," John replied, "I shut him up in no time."
"How did you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said "Goodnight Beautiful."
"With
that, he sat up all night watching me."
Had to happen...
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.
"What is it?" exclaims the President.
"It's this Abortion Bill Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?" the aide replies.
"Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.
Q. Bill and Hilary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
A. The nation.
Q. What does Bill say to Hilary after having sex?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms.
At the bottom of the steps, he says to the honour guardsman, "These are genuine Arkansas Razor-Back Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hilary."
The guardsman replies, "Nice trade, Sir."
One day, Clinton angrily called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office.
He said, "Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!"
"Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replies. "I'll take those mirrors out right away!"
25 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. Makes communication interesting due to mumbling and slurred speech.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Increases your chances of seeing your co-workers drunk and naked.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
22. A list of 25 reasons, does not have to be 25 long.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop the pill in its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same proceedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand & back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw & pop pill in - quickly! Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you are doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you are a woman, have a good cry. If you are a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat & pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the the boss here anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill & ....Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse & think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to the linen closet. Drag back a large beach towl. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter & pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front & back legs over its stomach. (resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time & tabbies wait for no man - or woman!
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth & poke gently. Voila! It's done!
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two asprins & lie down.
True story about the passengers on board a recent Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during Hurricane Bob:
The captain
did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a
pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the
flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into
their seats for about
half
an hour.
When
the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants
unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on
over the intercom:
"Well,
folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it! But we came
through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy
to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip
should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's
flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your
cooperation,
and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in
Boston."
After a
short pause and several clicks, there came a few words
more.
"Damn,
Damn Damn- whadda bitchin' ride! Boy- I sure could use a
cup of good strong coffee and a blow job right about
now."
As a stricken flight attendant dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her: "Don't forget the coffee!"
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